面纱 英文原本-第6部分
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candle…light disappearedseemed to melt away into a background of light；
the green serpent with the diamond eyes remaining a dark image on the
retina。 Then I had a sense of my eyelids quivering； and the living
daylight broke in upon me； I saw gardens； and heard voices； I was seated
on the steps of the Belvedere Terrace； and my friends were round me。
The tumult of mind into which I was thrown by this hideous vision
made me ill for several days； and prolonged our stay at Vienna。 I
shuddered with horror as the scene recurred to me； and it recurred
constantly； with all its minutiae； as if they had been burnt into my memory；
and yet； such is the madness of the human heart under the influence of its
immediate desires； I felt a wild hell…braving joy that Bertha was to be mine；
for the fulfilment of my former prevision concerning her first appearance
before me； left me little hope that this last hideous glimpse of the future
was the mere diseased play of my own mind； and had no relation to
external realities。 One thing alone I looked towards as a possible means
of casting doubt on my terrible convictionthe discovery that my vision of
Prague had been falseand Prague was the next city on our route。
Meanwhile； I was no sooner in Bertha's society again than I was as
pletely under her sway as before。 What if I saw into the heart of
Bertha； the matured womanBertha； my wife？ Bertha； the GIRL； was a
fascinating secret to me still： I trembled under her touch； I felt the
witchery of her presence； I yearned to be assured of her love。 The fear of
poison is feeble against the sense of thirst。 Nay； I was just as jealous of my
brother as beforejust as much irritated by his small patronizing ways； for
my pride； my diseased sensibility； were there as they had always been； and
winced as inevitably under every offence as my eye winced from an
intruding mote。 The future； even when brought within the pass of
feeling by a vision that made me shudder； had still no more than the force
of an idea； pared with the force of present emotionof my love for
Bertha； of my dislike and jealousy towards my brother。
It is an old story； that men sell themselves to the tempter； and sign a
bond with their blood； because it is only to take effect at a distant day；
then rush on to snatch the cup their souls thirst after with an impulse not
the less savage because there is a dark shadow beside them for evermore。
There is no short cut； no patent tram…road； to wisdom： after all the
centuries of invention； the soul's path lies through the thorny wilderness
which must be still trodden in solitude； with bleeding feet； with sobs for
help； as it was trodden by them of old time。
My mind speculated eagerly on the means by which I should bee
my brother's successful rival； for I was still too timid； in my ignorance of
Bertha's actual feeling； to venture on any step that would urge from her an
avowal of it。 I thought I should gain confidence even for this； if my
vision of Prague proved to have been veracious； and yet； the horror of that
certitude！ Behind the slim girl Bertha； whose words and looks I watched
for； whose touch was bliss； there stood continually that Bertha with the
fuller form； the harder eyes； the more rigid mouthwith the barren； selfish
soul laid bare； no longer a fascinating secret； but a measured fact； urging
itself perpetually on my unwilling sight。 Are you unable to give me your
sympathyyou who react this？ Are you unable to imagine this double
consciousness at work within me； flowing on like two parallel streams
which never mingle their waters and blend into a mon hue？ Yet you
must have known something of the presentiments that spring from an
insight at war with passion； and my visions were only like presentiments
intensified to horror。 You have known the powerlessness of ideas before
the might of impulse； and my visions； when once they had passed into
memory； were mere ideaspale shadows that beckoned in vain； while my
hand was grasped by the living and the loved。
In after…days I thought with bitter regret that if I had foreseen
something more or something differentif instead of that hideous vision
which poisoned the passion it could not destroy； or if even along with it I
could have had a foreshadowing of that moment when I looked on my
brother's face for the last time； some softening influence would have been
shed over my feeling towards him： pride and hatred would surely have
been subdued into pity； and the record of those hidden sins would have
been shortened。 But this is one of the vain thoughts with which we men
flatter ourselves。 We try to believe that the egoism within us would have
easily been melted； and that it was only the narrowness of our knowledge
which hemmed in our generosity； our awe； our human piety； and hindered
them from submerging our hard indifference to the sensations and
emotions of our fellows。 Our tenderness and self…renunciation seem
strong when our egoism has had its daywhen； after our mean striving for
a triumph that is to be another's loss； the triumph es suddenly； and we
shudder at it； because it is held out by the chill hand of death。
Our arrival in Prague happened at night； and I was glad of this； for it
seemed like a deferring of a terribly decisive moment； to be in the city for
hours without seeing it。 As we were not to remain long in Prague； but to
go on speedily to Dresden； it was proposed that we should drive out the
next morning and take a general view of the place； as well as visit some of
its specially interesting spots； before the heat became oppressivefor we
were in August； and the season was hot and dry。 But it happened that the
ladies were rather late at their morning toilet； and to my father's politely…
repressed but perceptible annoyance； we were not in the carriage till the
morning was far advanced。 I thought with a sense of relief； as we entered
the Jews' quarter； where we were to visit the old synagogue； that we
should be kept in this flat； shut…up part of the city； until we should all be
too tired and too warm to go farther； and so we should return without
seeing more than the streets through which we had already passed。 That
would give me another day's suspensesuspense； the only form in which a
fearful spirit knows the solace of hope。 But； as I stood under the
blackened； groined arches of that old synagogue； made dimly visible by
the seven thin candles in the sacred lamp； while our Jewish cicerone
reached down the Book of the Law； and read to us in its ancient tongueI
felt a shuddering impression that this strange building； with its shrunken
lights； this surviving withered remnant of medieval Judaism； was of a
piece with my vision。 Those darkened dusty Christian saints； with their
loftier arches and their larger candles； needed the consolatory scorn with
which they might point to a more shrivelled death…in…life than their own。
As I expected； when we left the Jews' quarter the elders of our party
wished to return to the hotel。 But now； instead of rejoicing in this； as I
had done beforehand； I felt a sudden overpowering impulse to go on at
once to the bridge； and put an end to the suspense I had been wishing to
protract。 I declared； with unusual decision； that I would get out of the
carriage and walk on alone； they might return without me。 My father；
thinking this merely a sample of my usual 〃poetic nonsense；〃 objected that
I should only do myself harm by walking in the heat； but when I persisted；
he said angrily that I might follow my own absurd devices； but that
Schmidt （our courier） must go with me。 I assented to this； and set off
with Schmidt towards the bridge。 I had no sooner passed from under the
archway of the grand old gate leading an to the bridge； than a trembling
seized me； and I turned cold under the mid…day sun； yet I went on； I was in
search of somethinga small detail which I remembered with special
intensity as part of my vision。 There it wasthe patch of rainbow light on
the pavement transmitted through a lamp in the shape of a star。
Before the autumn was at an end； and while the brown leaves still
stood thick on the beeches in our park； my brother and Bertha were
engaged to each other； and it was understood that their marriage was to
take place early in the next spring。 In spite of the certainty I had felt
from that moment on the bridge at Prague； that Bertha would one day be
my wife； my constitutional timidity and distrust had continued to benumb
me； and the words in which I had sometimes premeditated a confession of
my love； had died away unuttered。 The same conflict had gone on within
me as beforethe longing for an assurance of love from Bertha's lips； the
dread lest a word of contempt and denial should fall upon me like a
corrosive acid。 What was the conviction of a distant necessity to me？ l
trembled under a pres
