the red badge of courage(红色英勇勋章)-第16部分
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tattered man； and could have strangled him。 His companions seemed
ever to play intolerable parts。 They were ever uprais… ing the ghost of
shame on the stick of their curiosity。 He turned toward the tattered man
as one at bay。 〃Now； don't bother me；〃 he re… peated with desperate
menace。
〃Well； Lord knows I don't wanta bother any… body；〃 said the other。
There was a little accent of despair in his voice as he replied； 〃Lord knows
I 've gota 'nough m' own t' tend to。〃
The youth； who had been holding a bitter de… bate with himself and
casting glances of hatred and contempt at the tattered man； here spoke in a
hard voice。 〃Good…by；〃 he said。
The tattered man looked at him in gaping amazement。 〃Whywhy；
pardner； where yeh goin'？〃 he asked unsteadily。 The youth looking at
him； could see that he； too； like that other one； was beginning to act dumb
and animal…like。 His thoughts seemed to be floundering about in his
head。 〃Nownowlookahere； you Tom JamisonnowI won't have
thisthis here won't do。 Wherewhere yeh goin'？〃
The youth pointed vaguely。 〃Over there；〃 he replied。
〃Well； now lookaherenow；〃 said the tattered man； rambling on in
idiot fashion。 His head was hanging forward and his words were slurred。
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〃This thing won't do； now； Tom Jami… son。 It won't do。 I know yeh； yeh
pig…headed devil。 Yeh wanta go trompin' off with a bad hurt。 It ain't
rightnowTom Jamisonit ain't。 Yeh wanta leave me take keer of yeh；
Tom Jami… son。 It ain'trightit ain'tfer yeh t' go trompin' offwith a
bad hurtit ain'tain't ain't rightit ain't。〃
In reply the youth climbed a fence and started away。 He could hear
the tattered man bleating plaintively。
Once he faced about angrily。 〃What？〃
〃Lookahere； now； Tom Jamisonnow it ain't〃
The youth went on。 Turning at a distance he saw the tattered man
wandering about helplessly in the field。
He now thought that he wished he was dead。 He believed that he
envied those men whose bodies lay strewn over the grass of the fields and
on the fallen leaves of the forest。
The simple questions of the tattered man had been knife thrusts to him。
They asserted a society that probes pitilessly at secrets until all is apparent。
His late companion's chance persist… ency made him feel that he could not
keep his crime concealed in his bosom。 It was sure to be brought plain
by one of those arrows which cloud the air and are constantly pricking；
dis… covering； proclaiming those things which are willed to be forever
hidden。 He admitted that he could not defend himself against this agency。
It was not within the power of vigilance。
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CHAPTER XI。
HE became aware that the furnace roar of the battle was growing
louder。 Great brown clouds had floated to the still heights of air before
him。 The noise； too； was approaching。 The woods filtered men and the
fields became dotted。
As he rounded a hillock； he perceived that the roadway was now a
crying mass of wagons； teams； and men。 From the heaving tangle issued
exhortations； commands； imprecations。 Fear was sweeping it all along。
The cracking whips bit and horses plunged and tugged。 The white…
topped wagons strained and stumbled in their exertions like fat sheep。
The youth felt comforted in a measure by this sight。 They were all
retreating。 Perhaps； then； he was not so bad after all。 He seated himself
and watched the terror…stricken wagons。 They fled like soft； ungainly
animals。 All the roarers and lashers served to help him to magnify the
dangers and horrors of the engagement that he
107 might try to prove to himself that the thing with which men could
charge him was in truth a symmetrical act。 There was an amount of
pleas… ure to him in watching the wild march of this vindication。
Presently the calm head of a forward…going column of infantry
appeared in the road。 It came swiftly on。 Avoiding the obstructions
gave it the sinuous movement of a serpent。 The men at the head butted
mules with their musket stocks。 They prodded teamsters indifferent to all
howls。 The men forced their way through parts of the dense mass by
strength。 The blunt head of the column pushed。 The raving team… sters
swore many strange oaths。
The commands to make way had the ring of a great importance in
them。 The men were going forward to the heart of the din。 They were
to confront the eager rush of the enemy。 They felt the pride of their
onward movement when the remainder of the army seemed trying to
dribble down this road。 They tumbled teams about with a fine feeling
that it was no matter so long as their column got to the front in time。
This importance made their faces grave and stern。 And the backs of the
officers were very rigid。
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As the youth looked at them the black weight of his woe returned to
him。 He felt that he was regarding a procession of chosen beings。 The
separation was as great to him as if they had marched with weapons of
flame and banners of sunlight。 He could never be like them。 He could
have wept in his longings。
He searched about in his mind for an ade… quate malediction for the
indefinite cause； the thing upon which men turn the words of final blame。
Itwhatever it waswas responsible for him； he said。 There lay the fault。
The haste of the column to reach the battle seemed to the forlorn
young man to be some… thing much finer than stout fighting。 Heroes； he
thought； could find excuses in that long seething lane。 They could retire
with perfect self…respect and make excuses to the stars。
He wondered what those men had eaten that they could be in such
haste to force their way to grim chances of death。 As he watched his
envy grew until he thought that he wished to change lives with one of
them。 He would have liked to have used a tremendous force； he said；
throw off himself and become a better。 Swift pictures of himself； apart；
yet in himself； came to hima blue desperate figure leading lurid charges
with one knee forward and a broken blade higha blue； determined figure
standing before a crimson and steel assault； getting calmly killed on a high
place before the eyes of all。 He thought of the magnificent pathos of his
dead body。
These thoughts uplifted him。 He felt the quiver of war desire。 In
his ears； he heard the ring of victory。 He knew the frenzy of a rapid
successful charge。 The music of the trampling feet； the sharp voices； the
clanking arms of the column near him made him soar on the red wings of
war。 For a few moments he was sublime。
He thought that he was about to start for the front。 Indeed； he saw a
picture of himself； dust… stained； haggard； panting； flying to the front at the
proper moment to seize and throttle the dark； leering witch of calamity。
Then the difficulties of the thing began to drag at him。 He hesitated；
balancing awkwardly on one foot。
He had no rifle； he could not fight with his hands； said he resentfully
to his plan。 Well； rifles could be had for the picking。 They were
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extraordinarily profuse。
Also； he continued； it would be a miracle if he found his regiment。
Well； he could fight with any regiment。
He started forward slowly。 He stepped as if he expected to tread
upon some explosive thing。 Doubts and he were struggling。
He would truly be a worm if any of his com… rades should see him
returning thus； the marks of his flight upon him。 There was a reply that
the intent fighters did not care for what happened rearward saving that no
hostile bayonets ap… peared there。 In the battle…blur his face would； in a
way be hidden； like the face of a cowled man。
But then he said that his tireless fate would bring forth； when the strife
lulled for a moment； a man to ask of him an explanation。 In imagina…
tion he felt the scrutiny of his companions as he painfully labored through
some lies。
Eventua
