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alarmed　consideration。　　Again；　we　observed　him；　with　terror；　to　be

much　overcome　by　our　sole's　being　aired　in　a　temporary　retreat

close　to　him；　while　the　waiter　went　out　（as　we　conceived）　to　see

his　friends。　　And　when　the　curry　made　its　appearance　he　suddenly

retired　in　great　disorder。



In　fine；　for　the　uneatable　part　of　this　little　dinner　（as

contradistinguished　from　the　undrinkable）　we　paid　only　seven

shillings　and　sixpence　each。　　And　Bullfinch　and　I　agreed

unanimously；　that　no　such　ill…served；　ill…appointed；　ill…cooked；

nasty　little　dinner　could　be　got　for　the　money　anywhere　else　under

the　sun。　　With　that　comfort　to　our　backs；　we　turned　them　on　the

dear　old　Temeraire；　the　charging　Temeraire；　and　resolved　（in　the

Scotch　dialect）　to　gang　nae　mair　to　the　flabby　Temeraire。







CHAPTER　XXXIV　…　MR。　BARLOW







A　great　reader　of　good　fiction　at　an　unusually　early　age；　it　seems

to　me　as　though　I　had　been　born　under　the　superintendence　of　the

estimable　but　terrific　gentleman　whose　name　stands　at　the　head　of

my　present　reflections。　　The　instructive　monomaniac；　Mr。　Barlow；

will　be　remembered　as　the　tutor　of　Master　Harry　Sandford　and　Master

Tommy　Merton。　　He　knew　everything；　and　didactically　improved　all

sorts　of　occasions；　from　the　consumption　of　a　plate　of　cherries　to

the　contemplation　of　a　starlight　night。　　What　youth　came　to　without

Mr。　Barlow　was　displayed　in　the　history　of　Sandford　and　Merton；　by

the　example　of　a　certain　awful　Master　Mash。　　This　young　wretch　wore

buckles　and　powder；　conducted　himself　with　insupportable　levity　at

the　theatre；　had　no　idea　of　facing　a　mad　bull　single…handed　（in

which　I　think　him　less　reprehensible；　as　remotely　reflecting　my　own

character）；　and　was　a　frightful　instance　of　the　enervating　effects

of　luxury　upon　the　human　race。



Strange　destiny　on　the　part　of　Mr。　Barlow；　to　go　down　to　posterity

as　childhood's　experience　of　a　bore！　　Immortal　Mr。　Barlow；　boring

his　way　through　the　verdant　freshness　of　ages！



My　personal　indictment　against　Mr。　Barlow　is　one　of　many　counts。　　I

will　proceed　to　set　forth　a　few　of　the　injuries　he　has　done　me。



In　the　first　place；　he　never　made　or　took　a　joke。　　This

insensibility　on　Mr。　Barlow's　part　not　only　cast　its　own　gloom　over

my　boyhood；　but　blighted　even　the　sixpenny　jest…books　of　the　time；

for；　groaning　under　a　moral　spell　constraining　me　to　refer　all

things　to　Mr。　Barlow；　I　could　not　choose　but　ask　myself　in　a

whisper　when　tickled　by　a　printed　jest；　'What　would　HE　think　of　it？

What　would　HE　see　in　it？'　　The　point　of　the　jest　immediately　became

a　sting；　and　stung　my　conscience。　　For　my　mind's　eye　saw　him

stolid；　frigid；　perchance　taking　from　its　shelf　some　dreary　Greek

book；　and　translating　at　full　length　what　some　dismal　sage　said

（and　touched　up　afterwards；　perhaps；　for　publication）；　when　he

banished　some　unlucky　joker　from　Athens。



The　incompatibility　of　Mr。　Barlow　with　all　other　portions　of　my

young　life　but　himself；　the　adamantine　inadaptability　of　the　man　to

my　favourite　fancies　and　amusements；　is　the　thing　for　which　I　hate

him　most。　　What　right　had　he　to　bore　his　way　into　my　Arabian

Nights？　　Yet　he　did。　　He　was　always　hinting　doubts　of　the　veracity

of　Sindbad　the　Sailor。　　If　he　could　have　got　hold　of　the　Wonderful

Lamp；　I　knew　he　would　have　trimmed　it　and　lighted　it；　and　delivered

a　lecture　over　it　on　the　qualities　of　sperm…oil；　with　a　glance　at

the　whale　fisheries。　　He　would　so　soon　have　found　out　…　on

mechanical　principles　…　the　peg　in　the　neck　of　the　Enchanted　Horse；

and　would　have　turned　it　the　right　way　in　so　workmanlike　a　manner；

that　the　horse　could　never　have　got　any　height　into　the　air；　and

the　story　couldn't　have　been。　　He　would　have　proved；　by　map　and

compass；　that　there　was　no　such　kingdom　as　the　delightful　kingdom

of　Casgar；　on　the　frontiers　of　Tartary。　　He　would　have　caused　that

hypocritical　young　prig　Harry　to　make　an　experiment；　…　with　the　aid

of　a　temporary　building　in　the　garden　and　a　dummy；　…　demonstrating

that　you　couldn't　let　a　choked　hunchback　down　an　Eastern　chimney

with　a　cord；　and　leave　him　upright　on　the　hearth　to　terrify　the

sultan's　purveyor。



The　golden　sounds　of　the　overture　to　the　first　metropolitan

pantomime；　I　remember；　were　alloyed　by　Mr。　Barlow。　　Click　click；

ting　ting；　bang　bang；　weedle　weedle　weedle；　bang！　　I　recall　the

chilling　air　that　ran　across　my　frame　and　cooled　my　hot　delight；　as

the　thought　occurred　to　me；　'This　would　never　do　for　Mr。　Barlow！'

After　the　curtain　drew　up；　dreadful　doubts　of　Mr。　Barlow's

considering　the　costumes　of　the　Nymphs　of　the　Nebula　as　being

sufficiently　opaque；　obtruded　themselves　on　my　enjoyment。　　In　the

clown　I　perceived　two　persons；　one　a　fascinating　unaccountable

creature　of　a　hectic　complexion；　joyous　in　spirits　though　feeble　in

intellect；　with　flashes　of　brilliancy；　the　other　a　pupil　for　Mr。

Barlow。　　I　thought　how　Mr。　Barlow　would　secretly　rise　early　in　the

morning；　and　butter　the　pavement　for　HIM；　and；　when　he　had　brought

him　down；　would　look　severely　out　of　his　study　window　and　ask　HIM

how　he　enjoyed　the　fun。



I　thought　how　Mr。　Barlow　would　heat　all　the　pokers　in　the　house；

and　singe　him　with　the　whole　collection；　to　bring　him　better

acquainted　with　the　properties　of　incandescent　iron；　on　which　he

（Barlow）　would　fully　expatiate。　　I　pictured　Mr。　Barlow's

instituting　a　comparison　between　the　clown's　conduct　at　his

studies；　…　drinking　up　the　ink；　licking　his　copy…book；　and　using

his　head　for　blotting…paper；　…　and　that　of　the　already　mentioned

young　prig　of　prigs；　Harry；　sitting　at　the　Barlovian　feet；

sneakingly　pretending　to　be　in　a　rapture　of　youthful　knowledge。　　I

thought　how　soon　Mr。　Barlow　would　smooth　the　clown's　hair　down；

instead　of　letting　it　stand　erect　in　three　tall　tufts；　and　how；

after　a　couple　of　years　or　so　with　Mr。　Barlow；　he　would　keep　his

legs　close　together　when　he　walked；　and　would　take　his　hands　out　of

his　big　loose　pockets；　and　wouldn't　have　a　jump　left　in　him。



That　I　am　particularly　ignorant　what　most　things　in　the　universe

are　made　of；　and　how　they　are　made；　is　another　of　my　charges

against　Mr。　Barlow。　　With　the　dread　upon　me　of　developing　into　a

Harry；　and　with　a　further　dread　upon　me　of　being　Barlowed　if　I　made

inquiries；　by　bringing　down　upon　myself　a　cold　shower…bath　of

explanations　and　experiments；　I　forbore　enlightenment　in　my　youth；

and　became；　as　they　say　in　melodramas；　'the　wreck　you　now　behold。'

That　I　consorted　with　idlers　and　dunces　is　another　of　the

melancholy　facts　for　which　I　hold　Mr。　Barlow　responsible。　　That

pragmatical　prig；　Harry；　became　so　detestable　in　my　sight；　that；　he

being　reported　studious　in　the　South；　I　would　have　fled　idle　to　the

extremest　North。　　Better　to　learn　misconduct　from　a　Master　Mash

than　science　and　statistics　from　a　Sandford！　　So　I　took　the　path；

which；　but　for　Mr。　Barlow；　I　might　never　have　trodden。　　Thought　I；

with　a　shudder；　'Mr。　Barlow　is　a　bore；　with　an　immense　constructive

power　of　making　bores。　　His　prize　specimen　is　a　bore。　　He　seeks　to

make　a　bore　of　me。　　That　knowledge　is　power　I　am　not　prepared　to

gainsay；　but；　with　Mr。　Barlow；　knowledge　is　power　to　bore。'

Therefore　I　took　refuge　in　the　caves　of　ignorance；　wherein　I　have

resided　ever　since；　and　which　are　still　my　private　address。



But　the　weightiest　charge　of　all　my　charges　against　Mr。　Barlow　is；

that　he　still　walks　the　earth　in　various　disguises；　seeking　to　make

a　Tommy　of　me；　even　in　my　maturity。　　Irrepressible；　instructive

monomaniac；　Mr。　Barlow　fills　my　life　with　pitfalls；　and　lies　hiding

at　the　bottom　to　burst　out　upon　me　when　I　least　expect　him。



A　few　of　these　dismal　experiences　of　mine　shall　suffice。



Knowing　Mr。　Barlow　to　have　invested　largely　in　the　moving　panorama

trade；　and　having　on　various　occasions　identified　him　in　the　dark

with　a　long　wand　in　his　hand；　holding　forth　in　his　old　way　（made

more　appalling　in　this　connection　by　his　sometimes　cracking　a　piece

of　Mr。　Carlyle's　own　Dead…Sea　fruit　in　mistake　for　a　joke）；　I

systematically　shun　pictorial　entertainment　on　rollers。　　Similarly；

I　should　demand　responsible　bail　and　guaranty　against　the

appearance　of　Mr。　Barlow；　before　committing　myself　to　attendance　at

any　assemblage　of　my　fellow…creatures　where　a　bottle　of　water　and　a

note…book　were　conspicuous　objects；　for　in　either　of　those

associations；　I　should　expressly　expect　him。　　But　such　is　the

designing　nature　of　the　man；　that　he　steals　in　where　no　reasoning

precaution　or　provision　could　expect　him。　　As　in　the　following

case：…



Adjoining　the　Caves　of　Ignorance　is　a　country　town。　　In　this

country　town　the　Mississippi　Momuses；　nine　in　number；　were

announced　to　appear　in　the　town…hall；　for　the　general　delectation；

this　last　Christmas　week。　　Knowing　Mr。　Barlow　to　be　unconnected

with　the　Mississippi；　though　holding　republican　opinions；　and

deeming　myself　secure；　I　took　a　stall。　　My　object　was　to　hear　and

see　the　Mississippi　Momuses　in　what　the　bills　described　as　their

'National　ballads；　plantation　break…downs；　nigger　part…songs；

choice　conundrums；　sparkling　repartees；　&c。'　　I　found　the　nine

dressed　alike；　in　the　black　coat　and　trousers；　white　waistcoat；

very　large　shirt…front；　very　large　shirt…collar；　and　very　large

white　tie　and　wristbands；　which　constitute　the　dress　of　the　mass　of

the　African　race；　and　which　has　been　observed　by　travellers　to

prevail　over　a　vast　number　of　degrees　of　latitude。　　All　the　nine

rolled　their　eyes　exceedingly；　and　had　very　red　lips。　　At　the

extremities　of　the　curve　they　formed；　seated　in　their　chairs；　were

the　performers　on　the　tambourine　and　bones。　　The　centre　Momus；　a

black　of　melancholy　aspect　（who　inspired　me　with　a　vague　uneasiness

for　which　I　could　not　then　account）；　performed　on　a　Mississippi

instrument　closely　resembling　what　was　once　called　in　this　island　a

hurdy…gurdy。　　The　Momuses　on　either　side　of　him　had　each　another

instru