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hurdy…gurdy。　　The　Momuses　on　either　side　of　him　had　each　another

instrument　peculiar　to　the　Father　of　Waters；　which　may　be　likened

to　a　stringed　weather…glass　held　upside　down。　　There　were　likewise

a　little　flute　and　a　violin。　　All　went　well　for　awhile；　and　we　had

had　several　sparkling　repartees　exchanged　between　the　performers　on

the　tambourine　and　bones；　when　the　black　of　melancholy　aspect；

turning　to　the　latter；　and　addressing　him　in　a　deep　and　improving

voice　as　'Bones；　sir；'　delivered　certain　grave　remarks　to　him

concerning　the　juveniles　present；　and　the　season　of　the　year；

whereon　I　perceived　that　I　was　in　the　presence　of　Mr。　Barlow　…

corked！



Another　night　…　and　this　was　in　London　…　I　attended　the

representation　of　a　little　comedy。　　As　the　characters　were　lifelike

（and　consequently　not　improving）；　and　as　they　went　upon　their

several　ways　and　designs　without　personally　addressing　themselves

to　me；　I　felt　rather　confident　of　coming　through　it　without　being

regarded　as　Tommy；　the　more　so；　as　we　were　clearly　getting　close　to

the　end。　　But　I　deceived　myself。　　All　of　a　sudden；　Apropos　of

nothing；　everybody　concerned　came　to　a　check　and　halt；　advanced　to

the　foot…lights　in　a　general　rally　to　take　dead　aim　at　me；　and

brought　me　down　with　a　moral　homily；　in　which　I　detected　the　dread

hand　of　Barlow。



Nay；　so　intricate　and　subtle　are　the　toils　of　this　hunter；　that　on

the　very　next　night　after　that；　I　was　again　entrapped；　where　no

vestige　of　a　spring　could　have　been　apprehended　by　the　timidest。

It　was　a　burlesque　that　I　saw　performed；　an　uncompromising

burlesque；　where　everybody　concerned；　but　especially　the　ladies；

carried　on　at　a　very　considerable　rate　indeed。　　Most　prominent　and

active　among　the　corps　of　performers　was　what　I　took　to　be　（and　she

really　gave　me　very　fair　opportunities　of　coming　to　a　right

conclusion）　a　young　lady　of　a　pretty　figure。　　She　was　dressed　as　a

picturesque　young　gentleman；　whose　pantaloons　had　been　cut　off　in

their　infancy；　and　she　had　very　neat　knees　and　very　neat　satin

boots。　　Immediately　after　singing　a　slang　song　and　dancing　a　slang

dance；　this　engaging　figure　approached　the　fatal　lamps；　and；

bending　over　them；　delivered　in　a　thrilling　voice　a　random　eulogium

on；　and　exhortation　to　pursue；　the　virtues。　　'Great　Heaven！'　was　my

exclamation；　'Barlow！'



There　is　still　another　aspect　in　which　Mr。　Barlow　perpetually

insists　on　my　sustaining　the　character　of　Tommy；　which　is　more

unendurable　yet；　on　account　of　its　extreme　aggressiveness。　　For　the

purposes　of　a　review　or　newspaper；　he　will　get　up　an　abstruse

subject　with　definite　pains；　will　Barlow；　utterly　regardless　of　the

price　of　midnight　oil；　and　indeed　of　everything　else；　save　cramming

himself　to　the　eyes。



But　mark。　　When　Mr。　Barlow　blows　his　information　off；　he　is　not

contented　with　having　rammed　it　home；　and　discharged　it　upon　me；

Tommy；　his　target；　but　he　pretends　that　he　was　always　in　possession

of　it；　and　made　nothing　of　it；　…　that　he　imbibed　it　with　mother's

milk；　…　and　that　I；　the　wretched　Tommy；　am　most　abjectly　behindhand

in　not　having　done　the　same。　　I　ask；　why　is　Tommy　to　be　always　the

foil　of　Mr。　Barlow　to　this　extent？　　What　Mr。　Barlow　had　not　the

slightest　notion　of　himself；　a　week　ago；　it　surely　cannot　be　any

very　heavy　backsliding　in　me　not　to　have　at　my　fingers'　ends　to…

day！　　And　yet　Mr。　Barlow　systematically　carries　it　over　me　with　a

high　hand；　and　will　tauntingly　ask　me；　in　his　articles；　whether　it

is　possible　that　I　am　not　aware　that　every　school…boy　knows　that

the　fourteenth　turning　on　the　left　in　the　steppes　of　Russia　will

conduct　to　such　and　such　a　wandering　tribe？　with　other　disparaging

questions　of　like　nature。　　So；　when　Mr。　Barlow　addresses　a　letter

to　any　journal　as　a　volunteer　correspondent　（which　I　frequently

find　him　doing）；　he　will　previously　have　gotten　somebody　to　tell

him　some　tremendous　technicality；　and　will　write　in　the　coolest

manner；　'Now；　sir；　I　may　assume　that　every　reader　of　your　columns；

possessing　average　information　and　intelligence；　knows　as　well　as　I

do　that'　…　say　that　the　draught　from　the　touch…hole　of　a　cannon　of

such　a　calibre　bears　such　a　proportion　in　the　nicest　fractions　to

the　draught　from　the　muzzle；　or　some　equally　familiar　little　fact。

But　whatever　it　is；　be　certain　that　it　always　tends　to　the

exaltation　of　Mr。　Barlow；　and　the　depression　of　his　enforced　and

enslaved　pupil。



Mr。　Barlow's　knowledge　of　my　own　pursuits　I　find　to　be　so　profound；

that　my　own　knowledge　of　them　becomes　as　nothing。　　Mr。　Barlow

（disguised　and　bearing　a　feigned　name；　but　detected　by　me）　has

occasionally　taught　me；　in　a　sonorous　voice；　from　end　to　end　of　a

long　dinner…table；　trifles　that　I　took　the　liberty　of　teaching　him

five…and…twenty　years　ago。　　My　closing　article　of　impeachment

against　Mr。　Barlow　is；　that　he　goes　out　to　breakfast；　goes　out　to

dinner；　goes　out　everywhere；　high　and　low；　and　that　he　WILL　preach

to　me；　and　that　I　CAN'T　get　rid　of　him。　　He　makes　me　a　Promethean

Tommy；　bound；　and　he　is　the　vulture　that　gorges　itself　upon　the

liver　of　my　uninstructed　mind。







CHAPTER　XXXV　…　ON　AN　AMATEUR　BEAT







It　is　one　of　my　fancies；　that　even　my　idlest　walk　must　always　have

its　appointed　destination。　　I　set　myself　a　task　before　I　leave　my

lodging　in　Covent…garden　on　a　street　expedition；　and　should　no　more

think　of　altering　my　route　by　the　way；　or　turning　back　and　leaving

a　part　of　it　unachieved；　than　I　should　think　of　fraudulently

violating　an　agreement　entered　into　with　somebody　else。　　The　other

day；　finding　myself　under　this　kind　of　obligation　to　proceed　to

Limehouse；　I　started　punctually　at　noon；　in　compliance　with　the

terms　of　the　contract　with　myself　to　which　my　good　faith　was

pledged。



On　such　an　occasion；　it　is　my　habit　to　regard　my　walk　as　my　beat；

and　myself　as　a　higher　sort　of　police…constable　doing　duty　on　the

same。　　There　is　many　a　ruffian　in　the　streets　whom　I　mentally

collar　and　clear　out　of　them；　who　would　see　mighty　little　of

London；　I　can　tell　him；　if　I　could　deal　with　him　physically。



Issuing　forth　upon　this　very　beat；　and　following　with　my　eyes　three

hulking　garrotters　on　their　way　home；　…　which　home　I　could

confidently　swear　to　be　within　so　many　yards　of　Drury…lane；　in　such

a　narrow　and　restricted　direction　（though　they　live　in　their

lodging　quite　as　undisturbed　as　I　in　mine）；　…　I　went　on　duty　with　a

consideration　which　I　respectfully　offer　to　the　new　Chief

Commissioner；　…　in　whom　I　thoroughly　confide　as　a　tried　and

efficient　public　servant。　　How　often　（thought　I）　have　I　been　forced

to　swallow；　in　police…reports；　the　intolerable　stereotyped　pill　of

nonsense；　how　that　the　police…constable　informed　the　worthy

magistrate　how　that　the　associates　of　the　prisoner　did；　at　that

present　speaking；　dwell　in　a　street　or　court　which　no　man　dared　go

down；　and　how　that　the　worthy　magistrate　had　heard　of　the　dark

reputation　of　such　street　or　court；　and　how　that　our　readers　would

doubtless　remember　that　it　was　always　the　same　street　or　court

which　was　thus　edifyingly　discoursed　about；　say　once　a　fortnight。



Now；　suppose　that　a　Chief　Commissioner　sent　round　a　circular　to

every　division　of　police　employed　in　London；　requiring　instantly

the　names　in　all　districts　of　all　such　much…puffed　streets　or

courts　which　no　man　durst　go　down；　and　suppose　that　in　such

circular　he　gave　plain　warning；　'If　those　places　really　exist；　they

are　a　proof　of　police　inefficiency　which　I　mean　to　punish；　and　if

they　do　not　exist；　but　are　a　conventional　fiction；　then　they　are　a

proof　of　lazy　tacit　police　connivance　with　professional　crime；

which　I　also　mean　to　punish'　…　what　then？　　Fictions　or　realities；

could　they　survive　the　touchstone　of　this　atom　of　common　sense？　　To

tell　us　in　open　court；　until　it　has　become　as　trite　a　feature　of

news　as　the　great　gooseberry；　that　a　costly　police…system　such　as

was　never　before　heard　of；　has　left　in　London；　in　the　days　of　steam

and　gas　and　photographs　of　thieves　and　electric　telegraphs；　the

sanctuaries　and　stews　of　the　Stuarts！　　Why；　a　parity　of　practice；

in　all　departments；　would　bring　back　the　Plague　in　two　summers；　and

the　Druids　in　a　century！



Walking　faster　under　my　share　of　this　public　injury；　I　overturned　a

wretched　little　creature；　who；　clutching　at　the　rags　of　a　pair　of

trousers　with　one　of　its　claws；　and　at　its　ragged　hair　with　the

other；　pattered　with　bare　feet　over　the　muddy　stones。　　I　stopped　to

raise　and　succour　this　poor　weeping　wretch；　and　fifty　like　it；　but

of　both　sexes；　were　about　me　in　a　moment；　begging；　tumbling；

fighting；　clamouring；　yelling；　shivering　in　their　nakedness　and

hunger。　　The　piece　of　money　I　had　put　into　the　claw　of　the　child　I

had　over…turned　was　clawed　out　of　it；　and　was　again　clawed　out　of

that　wolfish　gripe；　and　again　out　of　that；　and　soon　I　had　no　notion

in　what　part　of　the　obscene　scuffle　in　the　mud；　of　rags　and　legs

and　arms　and　dirt；　the　money　might　be。　　In　raising　the　child；　I　had

drawn　it　aside　out　of　the　main　thoroughfare；　and　this　took　place

among　some　wooden　hoardings　and　barriers　and　ruins　of　demolished

buildings；　hard　by　Temple　Bar。



Unexpectedly；　from　among　them　emerged　a　genuine　police…constable；

before　whom　the　dreadful　brood　dispersed　in　various　directions；　he

making　feints　and　darts　in　this　direction　and　in　that；　and　catching

nothing。　　When　all　were　frightened　away；　he　took　off　his　hat；

pulled　out　a　handkerchief　from　it；　wiped　his　heated　brow；　and

restored　the　handkerchief　and　hat　to　their　places；　with　the　air　of

a　man　who　had　discharged　a　great　moral　duty；　…　as　indeed　he　had；　in

doing　what　was　set　down　for　him。　　I　looked　at　him；　and　I　looked

about　at　the　disorderly　traces　in　the　mud；　and　I　thought　of　the

drops　of　rain　and　the　footprints　of　an　extinct　creature；　hoary　ages

upon　ages　old；　that　geologists　have　identified　on　the　face　of　a

cliff；　and　this　specul