grace abounding to the chief of sinners-第14部分
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； SHOULDST MARK INIQUITIES； O LORD； WHO SHOULD STAND？ BUT THERE IS FORGIVENESS WITH THEE； THAT THOU MAYEST BE FEARED。 Psalm cxxx。 3； 4。 These were good words to me； especially the latter part thereof； to wit； that there is forgiveness with the Lord； that He might be feared； that is； as then I understood it； that He might be loved； and had in reverence； for it was thus made out to me； THAT THE GREAT GOD DID SET SO HIGH AN ESTEEM UPON THE LOVE OF HIS POOR CREATURES； THAT RATHER THAN HE WOULD GO WITHOUT THEIR LOVE； HE WOULD PARDON THEIR TRANSGRESSIONS。
194。 And now was that word fulfilled on me； and I was also refreshed by it； THAT THOU MAYEST REMEMBER AND BE CONFOUNDED； AND NEVER OPEN THY MOUTH ANY MORE； BECAUSE OF THY SHAME； WHEN I AM PACIFIED TOWARD THEE FOR ALL THAT THOU HAST DONE； SAITH THE LORD GOD。 Ezek。 xvi。 63。 Thus was my soul at this time （and as I then did think for ever） set at liberty from being afflicted with my former guilt and amazement。
195。 But before many weeks were gone； I began to despond again； fearing； lest； notwithstanding all that I had enjoyed； that I might be deceived and destroyed at the last； for this consideration came strong into my mind； THAT WHATEVER COMFORT AND PEACE I THOUGHT I MIGHT HAVE FROM THE WORD OF THE PROMISE OF LIFE； YET UNLESS THERE COULD BE FOUND IN MY REFRESHMENT； A CONCURRENCE AND AGREEMENT IN THE SCRIPTURES； LET ME THINK WHAT I WILL THEREOF； AND HOLD IT NEVER SO FAST； I SHOULD FIND NO SUCH THING AT THE END； AND THE SCRIPTURE CANNOT BE BROKEN。 John x。 35。
196。 Now began my heart again to ache； and fear I might meet with a disappointment at last。 Wherefore I began with all seriousness to examine my former comfort； and to consider whether one that had sinned as I had done； might with confidence trust upon the faithfulness of God； laid down in those words； by which I had been comforted； and on which I had leaned myself： but now were brought those sayings to my mind。 FOR IT IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR THOSE WHO WERE ONCE ENLIGHTENED； AND HAVE TASTED OF THE HEAVENLY GIFT； AND WERE MADE PARTAKERS OF THE HOLY GHOST； AND HAVE TASTED THE GOOD WORD OF GOD； AND THE POWERS OF THE WORLD TO COME； IF THEY SHALL FALL AWAY； TO RENEW THEM AGAIN UNTO REPENTANCE。 Heb。 vi。 4…6。 FOR； IF WE SIN WILFULLY； AFTER WE HAVE RECEIVED THE KNOWLEDGE OF THE TRUTH； THERE REMAINS NO MORE SACRIFICE FOR SIN； BUT A CERTAIN FEARFUL LOOKING FOR OF JUDGMENT； AND FIERY INDIGNATION； WHICH SHALL DEVOUR THE ADVERSARIES。 Heb。 x。 26； 27。 AS ESAU； WHO FOR ONE MORSEL OF MEAT； SOLD HIS BIRTHRIGHT。 FOR YE KNOW HOW THAT AFTERWARD； WHEN HE WOULD HAVE INHERITED THE BLESSING； HE WAS REJECTED； FOR HE FOUND NO PLACE OF REPENTANCE； THOUGH HE SOUGHT IT CAREFULLY WITH TEARS。 Heb。 xii。 16； 17。
197。 Now was the word of the gospel forced from my soul； so that no promise or encouragement was to be found in the Bible for me： and now would that saying work upon my spirit to afflict me； REJOICE NOT； O ISRAEL； FOR JOY； AS OTHER PEOPLE。 Hos。 ix。 1。 For I saw indeed； there was cause of rejoicing for those that held to Jesus； but for me； I had cut myself off by my transgressions； and left myself neither foot…hold； or hand…hold； among all the stays and props in the precious word of life。
198。 And truly； I did now feel myself to sink into a gulph； as an house whose foundation is destroyed； I did liken myself in this condition； unto the case of some child that was fallen into a mill… pit； who though it could make some shift to scramble and sprawl in the water； yet because it could find neither hold for hand nor foot； therefore at last it must die in that condition。 So soon as this fresh assault had fastened on my soul； that scripture came into my heart； This FOR MANY DAYS。 Dan。 x。 14。 And indeed I found it was so； for I could not be delivered； nor brought to peace again； until well nigh two years and a half were completely finished。 Wherefore these words； though in themselves； they tended to discouragement； yet to me； who feared this condition would be eternal； they were at some times as an help and refreshment to me。
199。 For； thought I； MANY DAYS are not for ever； MANY DAYS will have an end； therefore seeing I was to be afflicted not a few but MANY DAYS； yet I was glad it was but FOR MANY DAYS。 Thus； I say； I would recall myself sometimes； and give myself an help； for as soon as ever the words came into my mind； at first； I knew my trouble would be long； yet this would be but sometimes； for I could not always think on this； nor ever be helped by it； though I did。
200。 Now while the scriptures lay before me； and laid sin anew at my door； that saying； in Luke xviii。 1； with others； did encourage me to prayer： then the tempter laid again at me very sore； suggesting； THAT NEITHER THE MERCY OF GOD； NOR YET THE BLOOD OF CHRIST； DID AT ALL CONCERN ME； NOR COULD THEY HELP ME FOR MY SIN； THEREFORE IT WAS BUT IN VAIN TO PRAY。 Yet； thought I； I WILL PRAY。 BUT； said the tempter； YOUR SIN IS UNPARDONABLE。 Well； said I； I WILL PRAY。 'Tis to no boot； said he。 Yet said I； I WILL PRAY。 So I went to prayer to God； and while I was at prayer； I uttered words to this effect： LORD； SATAN TELLS ME； THAT NEITHER THY MERCY； NOR CHRIST'S BLOOD； IS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY SOUL： LORD； SHALL I HONOUR THEE MOST； BY BELIEVING THOU WILT； AND CANST？ OR HIM； BY BELIEVING THOU NEITHER WILT NOT NOR CANST？ LORD； I WOULD FAIN HONOUR THEE； BY BELIEVING THOU WILT AND CANST。
201。 And as I was thus before the Lord； that scripture fastened on my heart （O man； great is thy faith）； Matt。 xv。 28； even as if one had clapped me on the back； as I was on my knees before God： yet I was not able to believe this； that this was a prayer of faith； till almost six months after； for I could not think that I had faith； or that there should be a word for me to act faith on； therefore I should still be； as sticking in the jaws of desperation； and went mourning up and down in a sad condition。
202。 There was nothing now that I longed for more than to be put out of doubt； as to this thing in question； and as I was vehemently desiring to know； if there was indeed hope for me； these words came rolling into my mind； WILL THE LORD CAST OFF FOR EVER？ AND WILL HE BE FAVOURABLE NO MORE？ IS HIS MERCY CLEAN GONE FOR EVER？ DOTH HIS PROMISE FAIL FOR EVERMORE？ HATH GOD FORGOTTEN TO BE GRACIOUS？ HATH HE IN ANGER SHUT UP HIS TENDER MERCIES？ Ps。 lxxvii。 7…9。 And all the while they run in my mind； methought I had still this as the answer； 'TIS A QUESTION WHETHER HE HATH OR NO： IT MAY BE HE HATH NOT。 Yea； the interrogatory seemed to me to carry in it a sure affirmation that indeed He had not； nor would so cast off； but would be favourable： that His promise doth not fail； and that He had not forgotten to be gracious； nor would in anger shut up tender mercy。 Something also there was upon my heart at the same time； which I cannot now call to mind； which； with this text； did sweeten my heart； and make me conclude； that His mercy might not be quite gone； nor clean gone for ever。
203。 At another time I remembered； I was again much under this question； WHETHER THE BLOOD OF CHRIST WAS SUFFICIENT TO SAVE MY SOUL？ in which doubt I continued from morning； till about seven or eight at night： and at last； when I was； as it were； quite worn out with fear； lest it should not lay hold on me； these words did sound suddenly within my heart： HE IS ABLE。 But methought； this word ABLE； was spoke loud unto me； it showed a GREAT WORD； it seemed to be writ in GREAT LETTERS； and gave such a jostle to my fear and doubt （I mean for the time it tarried with me； which was about a day） as I never had from that； all my life； either before or after。 Heb。 vii。 25。
204。 But one morning as I was again at prayer； and trembling under the fear of this； THAT NO WORD OF GOD COULD HELP ME； that piece of a sentence darted in upon me； MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT。 At this； methought I felt some stay； as if there might be hopes。 But； oh！ how good a thing it is for God to send His word！ for； about a fortnight before； I was looking on this very place； and then I thought it could not come near my soul with comfort； therefore I threw down my book in a pet： then I thought it was not large enough for me； no； not large enough； but now it was as if it had arms of grace so wide； that it could not only enclose me； but many more such as I besides。
205。 By these words I was sustained； yet not without exceeding conflicts； for the space of seven or eight weeks； for my peace would be in it； and out； sometimes twenty times a day； comfort now； and trouble presently； peace now； and before I could go a furlong； as full of fear and guilt as ever heart could hold。 And this was not only now and then； but my whole seven weeks' experience： for this about THE SUFFICIENCY OF GRACE； and THAT of ESAU'S parting with his birthright； would be like a pair of scales within my mind； sometimes one end would be uppermost； and sometimes again the other； according to which would be my peace or trouble。
206。 Therefore I did still pray to God； that He would come in with this scripture more fully on my heart； to wit； that He would help me to apply the whole sentence； for as yet I could not： that He gave； that I gathered； but farther I could not go； for as yet it only helped me to hope there might be mercy for me； MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT： And though it came no farther； it answered my former question； to wit； That there was hope； yet because FOR THEE was left out； I was not contented； but prayed to God for that also。 Wherefore； one day； when I was in a meeting of God's people； full of sadness and terror； for my fears again were strong upon me； and； as I was now thinking； my soul was never the better； but my case most sad and fearful； these words did with great power suddenly break in upon me； MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE； MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE； MY GRACE IS SUFFICIENT FOR THEE； three times together： And oh！ methought that every word was a mighty word unto me； as MY； and GRACE； and SUFFICIENT； and FOR THEE； they were then； and sometimes are still； far bigger than others be。
207。 At whic
