boyhood-第3部分

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t　I　no　longer　felt　afraid　of　itI　felt　only　an　inexpressibly　pleasant　hopefulness　in　proportion；　as　trust　in　life　replaced　the　late　burden　of　fear。　Indeed；　my　heart　was　smiling　like　that　of　refreshed；　revivified　Nature　herself。

Vassili　took　off　his　cloak　and　wrung　the　water　from　it。　Woloda　flung　back　the　apron；　and　I　stood　up　in　the　britchka　to　drink　in　the　new；　fresh；　balm…laden　air。　In　front　of　us　was　the　carriage；　rolling　along　and　looking　as　wet　and　resplendent　in　the　sunlight　as　though　it　had　just　been　polished。　On　one　side　of　the　road　boundless　oatfields；　intersected　in　places　by　small　ravines　which　now　showed　bright　with　their　moist　earth　and　greenery；　stretched　to　the　far　horizon　like　a　checkered　carpet；　while　on　the　other　side　of　us　an　aspen　wood；　intermingled　with　hazel　bushes；　and　parquetted　with　wild　thyme　in　joyous　profusion；　no　longer　rustled　and　trembled；　but　slowly　dropped　rich；　sparkling　diamonds　from　its　newly…bathed　branches　on　to　the　withered　leaves　of　last　year。

From　above　us；　from　every　side；　came　the　happy　songs　of　little　birds　calling　to　one　another　among　the　dripping　brushwood；　while　clear　from　the　inmost　depths　of　the　wood　sounded　the　voice　of　the　cuckoo。　So　delicious　was　the　wondrous　scent　of　the　wood；　the　scent　which　follows　a　thunderstorm　in　spring；　the　scent　of　birch…trees；　violets；　mushrooms；　and　thyme；　that　I　could　no　longer　remain　in　the　britchka。　Jumping　out；　I　ran　to　some　bushes；　and；　regardless　of　the　showers　of　drops　discharged　upon　me；　tore　off　a　few　sprigs　of　thyme；　and　buried　my　face　in　them　to　smell　their　glorious　scent。

Then；　despite　the　mud　which　had　got　into　my　boots；　as　also　the　fact　that　my　stockings　were　soaked；　I　went　skipping　through　the　puddles　to　the　window　of　the　carriage。

〃Lubotshka！　Katenka！〃　I　shouted　as　I　handed　them　some　of　the　thyme；　〃Just　look　how　delicious　this　is！〃

The　girls　smelt　it　and　cried；　〃A…ah！〃　but　Mimi　shrieked　to　me　to　go　away；　for　fear　I　should　be　run　over　by　the　wheels。

〃Oh；　but　smell　how　delicious　it　is！〃　I　persisted。



III。　A　NEW　POINT　OF　VIEW

Katenka　was　with　me　in　the　britchka；　her　lovely　head　inclined　as　she　gazed　pensively　at　the　roadway。　I　looked　at　her　in　silence　and　wondered　what　had　brought　the　unchildlike　expression　of　sadness　to　her　face　which　I　now　observed　for　the　first　time　there。

〃We　shall　soon　be　in　Moscow；〃　I　said　at　last。　〃How　large　do　you　suppose　it　is？〃

〃I　don't　know；〃　she　replied。

〃Well；　but　how　large　do　you　IMAGINE？　As　large　as　Serpukhov？〃

〃What　do　you　say？〃

〃Nothing。〃

Yet　the　instinctive　feeling　which　enables　one　person　to　guess　the　thoughts　of　another　and　serves　as　a　guiding　thread　in　conversation　soon　made　Katenka　feel　that　her　indifference　was　disagreeable　to　me；　wherefore　she　raised　her　head　presently；　and；　turning　round；　said：

〃Did　your　Papa　tell　you　that　we　girls　too　were　going　to　live　at　your　Grandmamma's？〃

〃Yes；　he　said　that　we　should　ALL　live　there；〃

〃ALL　live　there？〃

〃Yes；　of　course。　We　shall　have　one　half　of　the　upper　floor；　and　you　the　other　half；　and　Papa　the　wing；　but　we　shall　all　of　us　dine　together　with　Grandmamma　downstairs。〃

〃But　Mamma　says　that　your　Grandmamma　is　so　very　grave　and　so　easily　made　angry？〃

〃No；　she　only　SEEMS　like　that　at　first。　She　is　grave；　but　not　bad…tempered。　On　the　contrary；　she　is　both　kind　and　cheerful。　If　you　could　only　have　seen　the　ball　at　her　house！〃

〃All　the　same；　I　am　afraid　of　her。　Besides；　who　knows　whether　we〃

Katenka　stopped　short；　and　once　again　became　thoughtful。

〃What？〃　I　asked　with　some　anxiety。

〃Nothing；　I　only　said　that〃

〃No。　You　said；　'Who　knows　whether　we'〃

〃And　YOU　said；　didn't　you；　that　once　there　was　ever　such　a　ball　at　Grandmamma's？〃

〃Yes。　It　is　a　pity　you　were　not　there。　There　were　heaps　of　guestsabout　a　thousand　people；　and　all　of　them　princes　or　generals；　and　there　was　music；　and　I　danced　But；　Katenka〃　I　broke　off；　〃you　are　not　listening　to　me？〃

〃Oh　yes；　I　am　listening。　You　said　that　you　danced？〃

〃Why　are　you　so　serious？〃

〃Well；　one　cannot　ALWAYS　be　gay。〃

〃But　you　have　changed　tremendously　since　Woloda　and　I　first　went　to　Moscow。　Tell　me　the　truth；　now：　why　are　you　so　odd？〃　My　tone　was　resolute。

〃AM　I　so　odd？〃　said　Katenka　with　an　animation　which　showed　me　that　my　question　had　interested　her。　〃I　don't　see　that　I　am　so　at　all。〃

〃Well；　you　are　not　the　same　as　you　were　before；〃　I　continued。　〃Once　upon　a　time　any　one　could　see　that　you　were　our　equal　in　everything；　and　that　you　loved　us　like　relations；　just　as　we　did　you；　but　now　you　are　always　serious；　and　keep　yourself　apart　from　us。〃

〃Oh；　not　at　all。〃

〃But　let　me　finish；　please；〃　I　interrupted；　already　conscious　of　a　slight　tickling　in　my　nosethe　precursor　of　the　tears　which　usually　came　to　my　eyes　whenever　I　had　to　vent　any　long　pent…up　feeling。　〃You　avoid　us；　and　talk　to　no　one　but　Mimi；　as　though　you　had　no　wish　for　our　further　acquaintance。〃

〃But　one　cannot　always　remain　the　sameone　must　change　a　little　sometimes；〃　replied　Katenka；　who　had　an　inveterate　habit　of　pleading　some　such　fatalistic　necessity　whenever　she　did　not　know　what　else　to　say。

I　recollect　that　once；　when　having　a　quarrel　with　Lubotshka；　who　had　called　her　〃a　stupid　girl；〃　she　（Katenka）　retorted　that　EVERYBODY　could　not　be　wise；　seeing　that　a　certain　number　of　stupid　people　was　a　necessity　in　the　world。　However；　on　the　present　occasion；　I　was　not　satisfied　that　any　such　inevitable　necessity　for　〃changing　sometimes〃　existed；　and　asked　further：

〃WHY　is　it　necessary？〃

〃Well；　you　see；　we　MAY　not　always　go　on　living　together　as　we　are　doing　now；〃　said　Katenka；　colouring　slightly；　and　regarding　Philip's　back　with　a　grave　expression　on　her　face。　〃My　Mamma　was　able　to　live　with　your　mother　because　she　was　her　friend；　but　will　a　similar　arrangement　always　suit　the　Countess；　who；　they　say；　is　so　easily　offended？　Besides；　in　any　case；　we　shall　have　to　separate　SOME　day。　You　are　richyou　have　Petrovskoe；　while　we　are　poorMamma　has　nothing。〃

〃You　are　rich；〃　〃we　are　poor〃both　the　words　and　the　ideas　which　they　connoted　seemed　to　me　extremely　strange。　Hitherto；　I　had　conceived　that　only　beggars　and　peasants　were　poor　and　could　not　reconcile　in　my　mind　the　idea　of　poverty　and　the　graceful；　charming　Katenka。　I　felt　that　Mimi　and　her　daughter　ought　to　live　with　us　ALWAYS　and　to　share　everything　that　we　possessed。　Things　ought　never　to　be　otherwise。　Yet；　at　this　moment；　a　thousand　new　thoughts　with　regard　to　their　lonely　position　came　crowding　into　my　head；　and　I　felt　so　remorseful　at　the　notion　that　we　were　rich　and　they　poor；　that　I　coloured　up　and　could　not　look　Katenka　in　the　face。

〃Yet　what　does　it　matter；〃　I　thought；　〃that　we　are　well　off　and　they　are　not？　Why　should　that　necessitate　a　separation？　Why　should　we　not　share　in　common　what　we　possess？〃　Yet；　I　had　a　feeling　that　I　could　not　talk　to　Katenka　on　the　subject；　since　a　certain　practical　instinct；　opposed　to　all　logical　reasoning；　warned　me　that；　right　though　she　possibly　was；　I　should　do　wrong　to　tell　her　so。

〃It　is　impossible　that　you　should　leave　us。　How　could　we　ever　live　apart？〃

〃Yet　what　else　is　there　to　be　done？　Certainly　I　do　not　WANT　to　do　it；　yet；　if　it　HAS　to　be　done；　I　know　what　my　plan　in　life　will　be。〃

〃Yes；　to　become　an　actress！　How　absurd！〃　I　exclaimed　（for　I　knew　that　to　enter　that　profession　had　always　been　her　favourite　dream）。

〃Oh　no。　I　only　used　to　say　that　when　I　was　a　little　girl。〃

〃Well；　then？　What？〃

〃To　go　into　a　convent　and　live　there。　Then　I　could　walk　out　in　a　black　dress　and　velvet　cap！〃　cried　Katenka。

Has　it　ever　befallen　you；　my　readers；　to　become　suddenly　aware　that　your　conception　of　things　has　alteredas　though　every　object　in　life　had　unexpectedly　turned　a　side　towards　you　of　which　you　had　hitherto　remained　unaware？　Such　a　species　of　moral　change　occurred；　as　regards　myself；　during　this　journey；　and　therefore　from　it　I　date　the　beginning　of　my　boyhood。　For　the　first　time　in　my　life；　I　then　envisaged　the　idea　that　wei。e。　our　familywere　not　the　only　persons　in　the　world；　that　not　every　conceivable　interest　was　centred　in　ourselves；　and　that　there　existed　numbers　of　people　who　had　nothing　in　common　with　us；　cared　nothing　for　us；　and　even　knew　nothing　of　our　existence。　No　doubt　I　had　known　all　this　beforeonly　I　had　not　known　it　then　as　I　knew　it　now；　I　had　never　properly　felt　or　understood　it。

Thought　merges　into　conviction　through　paths　of　its　own；　as　well　as；　sometimes；　with　great　suddenness　and　by　methods　wholly　different　from　those　which　have　brought　other　intellects　to　the　same　conclusion。　For　me　the　conversation　with　Katenkastriking　deeply　as　it　did；　and　forcing　me　to　reflect　on　her　future　positionconstituted　such　a　path。　As　I　gazed　at　the　towns　and　villages　through　which　we　passed；　and　in　each　house　of　which　lived　at　least　one　family　like　our　own；　as　well　as　at　the　women　and　children　who　stared　with　curiosity　at　our　carriages　and　then　became　lost　to　sight　for　ever；　and　the　peasants　and　workmen　who　did　not　even　look　at　us；　much　less　make　us　any　obeisance；　the　question　arose　for　the　first　time　in　my　thoughts；　〃Whom　else　do　they　care　for　if　not　for　us？〃　And　this　question　was　followed　by　others；　such　as；　〃To　what　end　do　they　live？〃　〃How　do　they　educate　their　children？〃　〃Do　they　teach　their　children　and　let　them　play？　What　are　their　names？〃　and　so　forth。



IV。　IN　MOSCOW

From　the　time　of　our　arrival　in　Moscow；　the　change　in　my　conception　of　objects；　of　persons；　and　of　my　connection　with　them　became　increasingly　perceptible。　When　at　my　first　meeting　with　Grandmamma；　I　saw　her　thin；　wrinkled　face　and　faded　eyes；　the　mingled　respect　and　fear　with　which　she　had　hitherto　inspired　me　gave　place　to　compassion；　and　when；　laying　her　cheek　against　Lubotshka's　head；　she　sobbed　as　though　she　saw　before　her　the　corpse　of　her　beloved　daughter；　my　compassion　grew　to　love。

I　felt　deeply　sorry　to　see　her　grief　at　our　meeting；　even　though　I　knew　that　in　ourselves　we　represented　nothing　in　her　eyes；　but　were　dear　to　her　only　as　reminders　of　our　motherthat　every　kiss　which　she　imprinted　upon　my　cheeks　expressed　the　one　thought；　〃She　is　no　moreshe　is　dead；　and　I　shall　never　see　her　again。〃

Papa；　who　took　little　notice　of　us　here　in　Moscow；　and　whose　fac