father and son-第31部分

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In　nothing　did　I　gain　from　the　advent　of　my　stepmother　more　than　in　the　encouragement　she　gave　to　my　friendships　with　a　group　of　boys　of　my　own　age；　of　whom　I　had　now　lately　formed　the　acquaintance。　These　friendships　she　not　merely　tolerated；　but　fostered；　it　was　even　due　to　her　kind　arrangements　that　they　took　a　certain　set　form；　that　our　excursions　started　from　this　house　or　from　that　on　regular　days。　I　hardly　know　by　what　stages　I　ceased　to　be　a　lonely　little　creature　of　mock…monographs　and　mud…　pies；　and　became　a　member　of　a　sort　of　club　of　eight　or　ten　active　boys。　The　long　summer　holidays　of　1861　were　set　in　an　enchanting　brightness。

Looking　back；　I　cannot　see　a　cloud　on　the　terrestrial　horizonI　see　nothing　but　a　blaze　of　sunshine；　descents　of　slippery　grass　to　moons　of　snow…white　shingle；　cold　to　the　bare　flesh；　red　promontories　running　out　into　a　sea　that　was　like　sapphire；　and　our　happy　clan　climbing；　bathing；　boating；　lounging；　chattering；　all　the　hot　day　through。　Once　more　I　have　to　record　the　fact；　which　I　think　is　not　without　interest；　that　precisely　as　my　life　ceases　to　be　solitary；　it　ceases　to　be　distinct。　I　have　no　difficulty　in　recalling；　with　the　minuteness　of　a　photograph；　scenes　in　which　my　Father　and　I　were　the　sole　actors　within　the　four　walls　of　a　room；　but　of　the　glorious　life　among　wild　boys　on　the　margin　of　the　sea　I　have　nothing　but　vague　and　broken　impressions；　delicious　and　illusive。

It　was　a　remarkable　proof　of　my　Father's　temporary　lapse　into　indulgence　that　he　made　no　effort　to　thwart　my　intimacy　with　these　my　new　companions。　He　was　in　an　unusually　humane　mood　himself。　His　marriage　was　one　proof　of　it；　another　was　the　composition　at　this　time　of　the　most　picturesque；　easy　and　graceful　of　all　his　writings；　The　Romance　of　Natural　History；　even　now　a　sort　of　classic。　Everything　combined　to　make　him　believe　that　the　blessing　of　the　Lord　was　upon　him；　and　to　clothe　the　darkness　of　the　world　with　at　least　a　mist　of　rose…colour。　I　do　not　recollect　that　ever　at　this　time　he　bethought　him；　when　I　started　in　the　morning　for　a　long　day　with　my　friends　on　the　edge　of　the　sea；　to　remind　me　that　I　must　speak　to　them；　in　season　and　out　of　season；　of　the　Blood　of　Jesus。　And　I；　young　coward　that　I　was；　let　sleeping　dogmas　lie。

My　companions　were　not　all　of　them　the　sons　of　saints　in　our　communion；　their　parents　belonged　to　that　professional　class　which　we　were　only　now　beginning　to　attract　to　our　services。　They　were　brought　up　in　religious；　but　not　in　fanatical；　families；　and　I　was　the　only　'converted'　one　among　them。　Mrs。　Paget；　of　whom　I　shall　have　presently　to　speak；characteristically　said　that　it　grieved　her　to　see　'one　lamb　among　so　many　kids'。　But　'kid'　is　a　word　of　varied　significance　and　the　symbol　did　not　seem　to　us　effectively　applied。　As　a　matter　of　fact；　we　made　what　I　still　feel　was　an　excellent　tacit　compromise。　My　young　companions　never　jeered　at　me　for　being　'in　communion　with　the　saints'；　and　I；　on　my　part；　never　urged　the　Atonement　upon　them。　I　began；　in　fact；　more　and　more　to　keep　my　own　religion　for　use　on　Sundays。

It　will；　I　hope；　have　been　observed　that　among　the　very　curious　grown…up　people　into　whose　company　I　was　thrown；　although　many　were　frail　and　some　were　foolish；　none；　so　far　as　I　can　discern；　were　hypocritical。　I　am　not　one　of　those　who　believe　that　hypocrisy　is　a　vice　that　grows　on　every　bush。　Of　course；　in　religious　more　than　in　any　other　matters；　there　is　a　perpetual　contradiction　between　our　thoughts　and　our　deeds　which　is　inevitable　to　our　social　order；　and　is　bound　to　lead　to　cette　tromperie　mutuelle　of　which　Pascal　speaks。　But　I　have　often　wondered；　while　admiring　the　splendid　portrait　of　Tartuffe；　whether　such　a　monster　ever；　or　at　least　often；　has　walked　the　stage　of　life；　whether　Moliere　observed；　or　only　invented　him。

To　adopt　a　scheme　of　religious　pretension；　with　no　belief　whatever　in　its　being　true；　merely　for　sensuous　advantage；　openly　acknowledging　to　one's　inner　self　the　brazen　system　of　deceit；　such　a　course　may；　and　doubtless　has　been；　trodden；　yet　surely　much　less　frequently　than　cynics　love　to　suggest。　But　at　the　juncture　which　I　have　now　reached　in　my　narrative；　I　had　the　advantage　of　knowing　a　person　who　was　branded　before　the　whole　world；　and　punished　by　the　law　of　his　country；　as　a　felonious　hypocrite。　My　Father　himself　could　only　sigh　and　admit　the　charge。　And　yetI　doubt。

About　half…way　between　our　village　and　the　town　there　lay　a　comfortable　villa　inhabited　by　a　retired　solicitor；　or　perhaps　attorney；　whom　I　shall　name　Mr。　Dormant。　We　often　called　at　his　half…way　house；　and；　although　he　was　a　member　of　the　town…　meeting；　he　not　unfrequently　came　up　to　us　for　'the　breaking　of　bread'。　Mr。　Dormant　was　a　solid；　pink　man；　of　a　cosy　habit。　He　had　beautiful　white　hair；　a　very　soft　voice；　and　a　welcoming；　wheedling　manner；　he　was　extremely　fluent　and　zealous　in　using　the　pious　phraseology　of　the　sect。　My　Father　had　never　been　very　much　attracted　to　him；　but　the　man　professed；　and　I　think　felt；　an　overwhelming　admiration　for　my　Father。　Mr。　Dormant　was　not　very　well　off；　and　in　the　previous　year　he　had　persuaded　an　aged　gentleman　of　wealth　to　come　and　board　with　him。　When；　in　the　course　of　the　winter；　this　gentleman　died；　much　surprise　was　felt　at　the　report　that　he　had　left　almost　his　entire　fortune；　which　was　not　inconsiderable；　to　Mr。　Dormant。

Much　surprisefor　the　old　gentleman　had　a　son　to　whom　he　had　always　been　warmly　attached；　who　was　far　away；　I　think　in　South　America；　practising　a　perfectly　respectable　profession　of　which　his　father　entirely　approved。　My　own　Father　always　preserved　a　delicacy　and　a　sense　of　honour　about　money　which　could　not　have　been　more　sensitive　if　he　had　been　an　ungodly　man；　and　I　am　very　much　pleased　to　remember　that　when　the　legacy　was　first　spoken　of；　he　regretted　that　Mr。　Dormant　should　have　allowed　the　old　gentleman　to　make　this　will。　If　he　knew　the　intention；　my　Father　said；　it　would　have　shown　a　more　proper　sense　of　his　responsibility　if　he　had　dissuaded　the　testator　from　so　unbecoming　a　disposition。　That　was　long　before　any　legal　question　arose；　and　now　Mr。　Dormant　came　into　his　fortune；　and　began　to　make　handsome　gifts　to　missionary　societies；　and　to　his　own　meeting　in　the　town。　If　I　do　not　mistake；　he　gave；　unsolicited；　a　sum　to　our　building　fund；　which　my　Father　afterwards　returned。　But　in　process　of　time　we　heard　that　the　son　had　come　back　from　the　Antipodes；　and　was　making　investigations。　Before　we　knew　where　we　were；　the　news　burst　upon　us；　like　a　bomb…shell；　that　Mr。　Dormant　had　been　arrested　on　a　criminal　charge　and　was　now　in　jail　at　Exeter。

Sympathy　was　at　first　much　extended　amongst　us　to　the　prisoner。　But　it　was　lessened　when　we　understood　that　the　old　gentleman　had　been　'converted'　while　under　Dormant's　roof；　and　had　given　the　fact　that　his　son　was　'an　unbeliever'　as　a　reason　for　disinheriting　him。　All　doubt　was　set　aside　when　it　was　divulged；　under　pressure；　by　the　nurse　who　attended　on　the　old　gentleman；　herself　one　of　the　'saints'；　that　Dormant　had　traced　the　signature　to　the　will　by　drawing　the　fingers　of　the　testator　over　the　document　when　he　was　already　and　finally　comatose。

My　Father；　setting　aside　by　a　strong　effort　of　will　the　repugnance　which　he　felt；　visited　the　prisoner　in　gaol　before　this　final　evidence　had　been　extracted。　When　he　returned　he　said　that　Dormant　appeared　to　be　enjoying　a　perfect　confidence　of　heart；　and　had　expressed　a　sense　of　his　joy　and　peace　in　the　Lord；　my　Father　regretted　that　he　had　not　been　able　to　persuade　him　to　admit　any　error；　even　of　judgement。　But　the　prisoner's　attitude　in　the　dock；　when　the　facts　were　proved；　and　not　by　him　denied；　was　still　more　extraordinary。　He　could　be　induced　to　exhibit　no　species　of　remorse；　and；　to　the　obvious　anger　of　the　judge　himself；　stated　that　he　had　only　done　his　duty　as　a　Christian；　in　preventing　this　wealth　from　coming　into　the　hands　of　an　ungodly　man；　who　would　have　spent　it　in　the　service　of　the　flesh　and　of　the　devil。　Sternly　reprimanded　by　the　judge；　he　made　the　final　statement　that　at　that　very　moment　he　was　conscious　of　his　Lord's　presence；　in　the　dock　at　his　side；　whispering　to　him　'Well　done；　thou　good　and　faithful　servant！'　In　this　frame　of　conscience；　and　with　a　glowing　countenance；　he　was　hurried　away　to　penal　servitude。

This　was　a　very　painful　incident；　and　it　is　easy　to　see　how　compromising；　how　cruel；　it　was　in　its　effect　upon　our　communion；　what　occasion　it　gave　to　our　enemies　to　blaspheme。　No　one；　in　either　meeting；　could　or　would　raise　a　voice　to　defend　Mr。　Dormant。　We　had　to　bow　our　heads　when　we　met　our　enemies　in　the　gate。　The　blow　fell　more　heavily　on　the　meeting　of　which　he　had　been　a　prominent　and　communicating　member；　but　it　fell　on　us　too；　and　my　Father　felt　it　severely。　For　many　years　he　would　never　mention　the　man's　name；　and　he　refused　all　discussion　of　the　incident。

Yet　I　was　never　sure；　and　I　am　not　sure　now；　that　the　wretched　being　was　a　hypocrite。　There　are　as　many　vulgar　fanatics　as　there　are　distinguished　ones；　and　I　am　not　convinced　that　Dormant；　coarse　and　narrow　as　he　was；　may　not　have　sincerely　believed　that　it　was　better　for　the　money　to　be　used　in　religious　propaganda　than　in　the　pleasures　of　the　world；　of　which　he　doubtless　formed　a　very　vague　idea。　On　this　affair　I　meditated　much；　and　it　awakened　in　my　mind；　for　the　first　time；　a　doubt　whether　our　exclusive　system　of　ethics　was　an　entirely　salutary　one；　if　it　could　lead　the　conscience　of　a　believer　to　tolerate　such　acts　as　these；　acts　which　my　Father　himself　had　denounced　as　dishonourable　and　disgraceful。

My　stepmother　brought　with　her　a　little　library　of　such　books　as　we　had　not　previously　seen；　but　which　yet　were　known　to　all　the　world　except　us。　Prominent　among　these　was　a　set　of　the　poems　of　Walter　Scott；　and　in　his　unwonted　geniality　and　provisional　spirit　of　compromise；　my　Father　must　do　no　less　than　read　these　works　aloud　to　my　stepmother　in　the　quiet　spring　evenings。　This　was　a　sort　of　aftermath　of　courtship；　a　tribute　of　song　to　his　bride；　very　sentimental　and　pretty。　She　would　sit；　sedately；　at　her　workbox；　while　he；　facing　her；　poured　forth　the　verses　at　her　like　a　blackbird。　I　was　not　considered　in　this　arrangeme