father and son-第33部分
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We then came back to dinner；curiously enough to a hot dinner； always； with a joint； vegetables and puddings； so that the cook at least must have been busily at work；and after it my Father and my stepmother took a nap； each in a different room； while I slipped out into the garden for a little while； but never venturing farther afield。 In the middle of the afternoon； my stepmother and I proceeded up the village to Sunday School； where I was early promoted to the tuition of a few very little boys。 We returned in time for tea； immediately after which we all marched forth； again armed as in the morning； with Bibles and hymn…books； and we went though the evening…service； at which my Father preached。 The hour was now already past my weekday bedtime； but we had another service to attend； the Believers' Prayer Meeting； which commonly occupied forty minutes more。 Then we used to creep home； I often so tired that the weariness was like physical pain； and I was permitted； without further 'worship'； to slip upstairs to bed。
What made these Sundays； the observance of which was absolutely uniform； so peculiarly trying was that I was not permitted the indulgence of any secular respite。 I might not open a scientific book； nor make a drawing； nor examine a specimen。 I was not allowed to go into the road； except to proceed with my parents to the Room； nor to discuss worldly subjects at meals； nor to enter the little chamber where I kept my treasures。 I was hotly and tightly dressed in black； all day long； as though ready at any moment to attend a funeral with decorum。 Sometimes； towards evening； I used to feel the monotony and weariness of my position to be almost unendurable； but at this time I was meek； and I bowed to what I supposed to be the order of the universe。
CHAPTER XI
As my mental horizon widened； my Father followed the direction of my spiritual eyes with some bewilderment； and knew not at what I gazed。 Nor could I have put into words； nor can I even now define； the visions which held my vague and timid attention。 As a child develops； those who regard it with tenderness or impatience are seldom even approximately correct in their analysis of its intellectual movements； largely because； if there is anything to record； it defies adult definition。 One curious freak of mentality I must now mention； because it took a considerable part in the enfranchisement of my mind； or rather in the formation of my thinking habits。 But neither my Father nor my stepmother knew what to make of it； and to tell the truth I hardly know what to make of it myself。
Among the books which my new mother had brought with her were certain editions of the poets； an odd assortment。 Campbell was there； and Burns； and Keats； and the 'Tales' of Byron。 Each of these might have been expected to appeal to me； but my emotion was too young； and I did not listen to them yet。 Their imperative voices called me later。 By the side of these romantic classics stood a small； thick volume； bound in black morocco； and comprising four reprinted works of the eighteenth century； gloomy； funereal poems of an order as wholly out of date as are the crossbones and ruffled cherubim on the gravestones in a country churchyard。 The fourand in this order； as I never shall forgetwere 'The Last Day' of Dr Young； Blair's 'Grave'； 'Death' by Bishop Beilby Porteus； and 'The Deity' of Samuel Boyse。 These lugubrious effusions； all in blank verse or in the heroic couplet； represented； in its most redundant form； the artistic theology of the middle of the eighteenth century。 They were steeped in such vengeful and hortatory sentiments as passed for elegant piety in the reign of George II。
How I came to open this solemn volume is explained by the oppressive exclusiveness of our Sundays。 On the afternoon of the Lord's Day； as I have already explained； I might neither walk； nor talk； nor explore our scientific library； nor indulge in furious feats of water…colour painting。 The Plymouth…Brother theology which alone was open to me produced； at length； and particularly on hot afternoons； a faint physical nausea； a kind of secret headache。 But； hitting one day upon the doleful book of verses； and observing its religious character； I asked 'May I read that？' and after a brief； astonished glance at the contents； received '0h certainlyif you can！'
The lawn sloped directly from a verandah at our drawing…room window； and it contained two immense elm trees； which had originally formed part of the hedge of a meadow。 In our trim and polished garden they then remainedthey were soon afterwards cut downrude and obtuse； with something primeval about them； something autochthonous； they were like two peasant ancestors surviving in a family that had advanced to gentility。 They rose each out of a steep turfed hillock； and the root of one of them was long my favourite summer reading…desk； for I could lie stretched on the lawn； with my head and shoulders supported by the elm…tree hillock； and the book in a fissure of the rough turf。 Thither then I escaped with my graveyard poets； and who shall explain the rapture withwhich I followed their austere morality？
Whether I really read consecutively in my black…bound volume I can no longer be sure； but it became a companion whose society I valued； and at worst it was a thousand times more congenial to me than Jukes' On the Pentateuch or than a perfectly excruciating work ambiguously styled The Javelin of Phineas； which lay smouldering in a dull red cover on the drawing…room table。 I dipped my bucket here and there into my poets； and I brought up strange things。 I brought up out of the depths of' The Last Day' the following ejaculation of a soul roused by the trump of resurrection：
Father of mercies！ Why from silent earth Didst thou awake； and curse me into birth？ Tear me from quiet； ravish me from night； And make a thankless present of thy light？ Push into being a reverse of thee； And animate a clod with misery？
I read these lines with a shiver of excitement； and in a sense I suppose little intended by the sanctimonious rector of Welwyn。 I also read in the same piece the surprising description of how
Now charnels rattle； scattered limbs； and all The various bones； obsequious to the call； Self…mov'd； advancethe neck perhaps to meet The distant head； the distant legs the feet；
but rejected it as not wholly supported by the testimony of Scripture。 I think that the rhetoric and vigorous advance of Young's verse were pleasant to me。 Beilby Porteus I discarded from the first as impenetrable。 In 'The Deity'；I knew nothing then of the life of its extravagant and preposterous author；I took a kind of persistent； penitential pleasure； but it was Blair's 'Grave' that really delighted me； and I frightened myself with its melodious doleful images in earnest。
About this time there was a great flow of teatable hospitality in the village； and my friends and their friends used to be asked out； by respective parents and by more than one amiable spinster； to faint little entertainments where those sang who were ambitious to sing； and where all played post and forfeits after a rich tea。 My Father was constantly exercised in mind as to whether I should or should not accept these glittering invitations。 There hovered before him a painful sense of danger in resigning the soul to pleasures which savoured of 'the world'。 These； though apparently innocent in themselves； might give an appetite for yet more subversive dissipations。 I remember； on one occasion；when the Browns； a family of Baptists who kept a large haberdashery shop in the neighbouring town； asked for the pleasure of my company 'to tea and games'； and carried complacency so far as to offer to send that local vehicle； 'the midge'； to fetch me and bring me back；my Father's conscience was so painfully perplexed； that he desired me to come up with him to the now…deserted 'boudoir' of the departed Marks； that we might 'lay the matter before the Lord'。 We did so； kneeling side by side； with our backs to the window and our foreheads pressed upon the horsehair cover of the small； coffin…like sofa。 My Father prayed aloud； with great fervour； that it might be revealed to me； by the voice of God； whether it was or was not the Lord's will that I should attend the Browns' party。 My Father's attitude seemed to me to be hardly fair； since he did not scruple to remind the Deity of various objections to a life of pleasure and of the snakes that lie hidden in the grass of evening parties。 It would have been more scrupulous； I thought； to give no sort of hint of the kind of answer he desired and expected。
It will be justly said that my life was made up of very trifling things； since I have to confess that this incident of the Browns' invitation was one of its landmarks。 As I knelt； feeling very small； by the immense bulk of my Father； there gushed though my veins like a wine the determination to rebel。 Never before； in all these years of my vocation； had I felt my resistance take precisely this definite form。 We rose presently from the sofa； my forehead and the backs of my hands still chafed by the texture of the horsehair； and we faced one another in the dreary light。 My Father； perfectly confident in the success of what had really been a sort of incantation； asked me in a loud wheedling voice； 'Well； and what is the answer which our Lord vouchsafes？' I said nothing； and so my Father； more sharply； continued； 'We have asked Him to direct you to a true knowledge of His will。 We have desired Him to let you know whether it is； or is not； in accordance with His wishes that you should accept this invitation from the Browns。' He positively beamed down at me； he had no doubt of the reply。 He was already； I believe； planning some little treat to make up to me for the material deprivation。 But my answer came； in the high…piping accents of despair： 'The Lord says I may go to the Browns。' My Father gazed at me in speechless horror。 He was caught in his own trap； and though he was certain that the Lord had said nothing of the kind； there was no road open for him but just sheer retreat。 Yet surely it was an error in tactics to slam the door。
It was at this party at the Brownsto which I duly went； although in sore disgracethat my charnel poets played me a
