father and son-第40部分

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My　spirits　were　divided　pathetically　between　the　wish　to　stay　on；　a　guarded　child；　and　to　proceed　into　the　world；　a　budding　man；　and；　in　my　utter　ignorance；　I　sought　in　vain　to　conjure　up　what　my　immediate　future　would　be。　My　Father　threw　no　light　upon　the　subject；　for　he　had　not　formed　any　definite　idea　of　what　I　could　possibly　do　to　earn　an　honest　living。　As　a　matter　of　fact　I　was　to　stay　another　year　at　school　and　home。

This　last　year　of　my　boyish　life　passed　rapidly　and　pleasantly。　My　sluggish　brain　waked　up　at　last　and　I　was　able　to　study　with　application。　In　the　public　examinations　I　did　pretty　well；　and　may　even　have　been　thought　something　of　a　credit　to　the　school。　Yet　I　formed　no　close　associations；　and　I　even　contrived　to　avoid；　as　I　had　afterwards　occasion　to　regret；　such　lessons　as　were　distasteful　to　me；　and　therefore　particularly　valuable。　But　I　read　with　unchecked　voracity；　and　in　several　curious　directions。　Shakespeare　now　passed　into　my　possession　entire；　in　the　shape　of　a　reprint　more　hideous　and　more　offensive　to　the　eyesight　than　would　in　these　days　appear　conceivable。　I　made　acquaintance　with　Keats；　who　entirely　captivated　me；　with　Shelley；　whose　'Queen　Mab'　at　first　repelled　me　from　the　threshold　of　his　edifice；　and　with　Wordsworth；　for　the　exercise　of　whose　magic　I　was　still　far　too　young。　My　Father　presented　me　with　the　entire　bulk　of　Southey's　stony　verse；　which　I　found　it　impossible　to　penetrate；　but　my　stepmother　lent　me　The　Golden　Treasury；　in　which　almost　everything　seemed　exquisite。

Upon　this　extension　of　my　intellectual　powers；　however；　there　did　not　follow　any　spirit　of　doubt　or　hostility　to　the　faith。　On　the　contrary；　at　first　there　came　a　considerable　quickening　of　fervour。　My　prayers　became　less　frigid　and　mechanical；　I　no　longer　avoided　as　far　as　possible　the　contemplation　of　religious　ideas；　I　began　to　search　the　Scriptures　for　myself　with　interest　and　sympathy；　if　scarcely　with　ardour。　I　began　to　perceive；　without　animosity；　the　strange　narrowness　of　my　Father's　system；　which　seemed　to　take　into　consideration　only　a　selected　circle　of　persons；　a　group　of　disciples　peculiarly　illuminated；　and　to　have　no　message　whatever　for　the　wider　Christian　community。

On　this　subject　I　had　some　instructive　conversations　with　my　Father；　whom　I　found　not　reluctant　to　have　his　convictions　pushed　to　their　logical　extremity。　He　did　not　wish　to　judge；　he　protested；　but　he　could　not　admit　that　a　single　Unitarian　（or　'Socinian'；　as　he　preferred　to　say）　could　possibly　be　redeemed；　and　he　had　no　hope　of　eternal　salvation　for　the　inhabitants　of　Catholic　countries。　I　recollect　his　speaking　of　Austria。　He　questioned　whether　a　single　Austrian　subject；　except；　as　he　said；　here　and　there　a　pious　and　extremely　ignorant　individual；　who　had　not　comprehended　the　errors　of　the　Papacy；　but　had　humbly　studied　his　Bible；　could　hope　to　find　eternal　life。　He　thought　that　the　ordinary　Chinaman　or　savage　native　of　Fiji　had　a　better　chance　of　salvation　than　any　cardinal　in　the　Vatican。　And　even　in　the　priesthood　of　the　Church　of　England　he　believed　that　while　many　were　called；　few　indeed　would　be　found　to　have　been　chosen。

I　could　not　sympathize；　even　in　my　then　state　of　ignorance；　with　so　rigid　a　conception　of　the　Divine　mercy。　Little　inclined　as　I　was　to　be　sceptical；　I　still　thought　it　impossible；　that　a　secret　of　such　stupendous　importance　should　have　been　entrusted　to　a　little　group　of　Plymouth　Brethren；　and　have　been　hidden　from　millions　of　disinterested　and　pious　theologians。　That　the　leaders　of　European　Christianity　were　sincere；　my　Father　did　not　attempt　to　question。　But　they　were　all　of　them　wrong；　incorrect；　and　no　matter　how　holy　their　lives；　how　selfsacrificing　their　actions；　they　would　have　to　suffer　for　their　inexactitude　through　aeons　of　undefined　torment。　He　would　speak　with　a　solemn　complacency　of　the　aged　nun；　who；　after　a　long　life　of　renunciation　and　devotion；　died　at　last；　'only　to　discover　her　mistake'。

He　who　was　so　tender…hearted　that　he　could　not　bear　to　witness　the　pain　or　distress　of　any　person；　however　disagreeable　or　undeserving；　was　quite　acquiescent　in　believing　that　God　would　punish　human　beings；　in　millions；　for　ever；　for　a　purely　intellectual　error　of　comprehension。　My　Father's　inconsistencies　of　perception　seem　to　me　to　have　been　the　result　of　a　curious　irregularity　of　equipment。　Taking　for　granted；　as　he　did；　the　absolute　integrity　of　the　Scriptures；　and　applying　to　them　his　trained　scientific　spirit；　he　contrived　to　stifle；　with　a　deplorable　success；　alike　the　function　of　the　imagination；　the　sense　of　moral　justice；　and　his　own　deep　and　instinctive　tenderness　of　heart。

There　presently　came　over　me　a　strong　desire　to　know　what　doctrine　indeed　it　was　that　the　other　Churches　taught。　I　expressed　a　wish　to　be　made　aware　of　the　practices　of　Rome；　or　at　least　of　Canterbury；　and　I　longed　to　attend　the　Anglican　and　the　Roman　services。　But　to　do　so　was　impossible。　My　Father　did　not；　indeed；　forbid　me　to　enter　the　fine　parish　church　of　our　village；　or　the　stately　Puginesque　cathedral　which　Rome　had　just　erected　at　its　side；　but　I　knew　that　I　could　not　be　seen　at　either　service　without　his　immediately　knowing　it；　or　without　his　being　deeply　wounded。　Although　I　was　sixteen　years　of　age；　and　although　I　was　treated　with　indulgence　and　affection；　I　was　still　but　a　bird　fluttering　in　the　net…work　of　my　Father's　will；　and　incapable　of　the　smallest　independent　action。　I　resigned　all　thought　of　attending　any　other　services　than　those　at　our　'Room'；　but　I　did　no　longer　regard　this　exclusion　as　a　final　one。　I　bowed；　but　it　was　in　the　house　of　Rimmon；　from　which　I　now　knew　that　I　must　inevitably　escape。　All　the　liberation；　however；　which　I　desired　or　dreamed　of　was　only　just　so　much　as　would　bring　me　into　communion　with　the　outer　world　of　Christianity　without　divesting　me　of　the　pure　and　simple　principles　of　faith。

Of　so　much　emancipation；　indeed；　I　now　became　ardently　desirous；　and　in　the　contemplation　of　it　I　rose　to　a　more　considerable　degree　of　religious　fervour　than　I　had　ever　reached　before　or　was　ever　to　experience　later。　Our　thoughts　were　at　this　time　abundantly　exercised　with　the　expectation　of　the　immediate　coming　of　the　Lord；　who；　as　my　Father　and　those　who　thought　with　him　believed；　would　suddenly　appear；　without　the　least　warning；　and　would　catch　up　to　be　with　Him　in　everlasting　glory　all　whom　acceptance　of　the　Atonement　had　sealed　for　immortality。　These　were；　on　the　whole；　not　numerous；　and　our　belief　was　that　the　world；　after　a　few　days'　amazement　at　the　total　disappearance　of　these　persons；　would　revert　to　its　customary　habits　of　life；　merely　sinking　more　rapidly　into　a　moral　corruption　due　to　the　removal　of　these　souls　of　salt。　This　event　an　examination　of　prophecy　had　led　my　Father　to　regard　as　absolutely　imminent；　and　sometimes；　when　we　parted　for　the　night；　he　would　say　with　a　sparkling　rapture　in　his　eyes；　'Who　knows？　We　may　meet　next　in　the　air；　with　all　the　cohorts　of　God's　saints！'

This　conviction　I　shared；　without　a　doubt；　and；　indeed；in　perfect　innocency；　I　hope；　but　perhaps　with　a　touch　of　slyness　too；I　proposed　at　the　end　of　the　summer　holidays　that　I　should　stay　at　home。　'What　is　the　use　of　my　going　to　school？　Let　me　be　with　you　when　we　rise　to　meet　the　Lord　in　the　air！'　To　this　my　Father　sharply　and　firmly　replied　that　it　was　our　duty　to　carry　on　our　usual　avocations　to　the　last；　for　we　knew　not　the　moment　of　His　coming；　and　we　should　be　together　in　an　instant　on　that　day；　how　far　soever　we　might　be　parted　upon　earth。　I　was　ashamed；　but　his　argument　was　logical；　and；　as　it　proved；　judicious。　My　Father　lived　for　nearly　a　quarter　of　a　century　more；　never　losing　the　hope　of　'not　tasting　death'；　and　as　the　last　moments　of　mortality　approached；　he　was　bitterly　disappointed　at　what　he　held　to　be　a　scanty　reward　of　his　long　faith　and　patience。　But　if　my　own　life's　work　had　been；　as　I　proposed；　shelved　in　expectation　of　the　Lord's　imminent　advent；　I　should　have　cumbered　the　ground　until　this　day。

To　school；　therefore；　I　returned　with　a　brain　full　of　strange　discords；　in　a　huddled　mixture　of'　Endymion'　and　the　Book　of　Revelation；　John　Wesley's　hymns　and　'Midsummer　Night's　Dream'。　Few　boys　of　my　age；　I　suppose；　carried　about　with　them　such　a　confused　throng　of　immature　impressions　and　contradictory　hopes。　I　was　at　one　moment　devoutly　pious；　at　the　next　haunted　by　visions　of　material　beauty　and　longing　for　sensuous　impressions。　In　my　hot　and　silly　brain；　Jesus　and　Pan　held　sway　together；　as　in　a　wayside　chapel　discordantly　and　impishly　consecrated　to　Pagan　and　to　Christian　rites。　But　for　the　present；　as　in　the　great　chorus　which　so　marvellously　portrays　our　double　nature；　'the　folding…star　of　Bethlehem'　was　still　dominant。　I　became　more　and　more　pietistic。　Beginning　now　to　versify；　I　wrote　a　tragedy　in　pale　imitation　of　Shakespeare；　but　on　a　Biblical　and　evangelistic　subject；　and　odes　that　were　parodies　of　those　in　'Prometheus　Unbound'；　but　dealt　with　the　approaching　advent　of　our　Lord　and　the　rapture　of　His　saints。　My　unwholesome　excitement；　bubbling　up　in　this　violent　way；　reached　at　last　a　climax　and　foamed　over。

It　was　a　summer　afternoon；　and；　being　now　left　very　free　in　my　movements；　I　had　escaped　from　going　out　with　the　rest　of　my　school…fellows　in　their　formal　walk　in　charge　of　an　usher。　I　had　been　reading　a　good　deal　of　poetry；　but　my　heart　had　translated　Apollo　and　Bacchus　into　terms　of　exalted　Christian　faith。　I　was　alone；　and　I　lay　on　a　sofa；　drawn　across　a　large　open　window　at　the　top　of　the　school…house；　in　a　room　which　was　used　as　a　study　by　the　boys　who　were　'going　up　for　examination'。　I　gazed　down　on　a　labyrinth　of　garden　sloping　to　the　sea；　which　twinkled　faintly　beyond　the　towers　of　the　town。　Each　of　these　gardens　held　a　villa　in　it；　but　all　the　near　landscape　below　me　was　drowned　in　foliage。　A　wonderful　warm　light　of　approaching　sunset　modelled　the　shadows　and　set　the　broad　summits　of　the　trees　in　a　rich　glow。　There　was　an　absolute　silence　below　and　around　me；　a　magic　of　suspense　seemed　to　keep　every　topmost　twig　from　waving。

Over　my　soul　there　swept　an　immense　wave　of　emotion。　Now；　surely；　now　the　great　final　change　must　be　approaching。　I　gazed　up　into　the　tend