father and son-第42部分

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'　from　cover　to　cover；　and　not　learn　that　Jeremy　Taylor　would　have　thought　that　any　activity　of　the　district…visitor　or　the　Salvation　lassie　came　within　the　category　of　saintliness。

My　Father；　then；　like　an　old　divine；　concentrated　on　thoughts　upon　the　intellectual　part　of　faith。　In　his　obsession　about　me；　he　believed　that　if　my　brain　could　be　kept　unaffected　by　any　of　the　seductive　errors　of　the　age；　and　my　heart　centred　in　the　adoring　love　of　God；　all　would　be　well　with　me　in　perpetuity。　He　was　still　convinced　that　by　intensely　directing　my　thoughts；　he　could　compel　them　to　flow　in　a　certain　channel；　since　he　had　not　begun　to　learn　the　lesson；　so　mournful　for　saintly　men　of　his　complexion；　that　'virtue　would　not　be　virtue；　could　it　be　given　by　one　fellow　creature　to　another'。　He　had　recognized；　with　reluctance；　that　holiness　was　not　hereditary；　but　he　continued　to　hope　that　it　might　be　compulsive。　I　was　still　'the　child　of　many　prayers'；　and　it　was　not　to　be　conceded　that　these　prayers　could　remain　unanswered。

The　great　panacea　was　now；　as　always；　the　study　of　the　Bible；　and　this　my　Father　never　ceased　to　urge　upon　me。　He　presented　to　me　a　copy　of　Dean　Alford's　edition　of　the　Greek　New　Testament；　in　four　great　volumes；　and　these　he　had　had　so　magnificently　bound　in　full　morocco　that　the　work　shone　on　my　poor　shelf　of　sixpenny　poets　like　a　duchess　among　dairy　maids。　He　extracted　from　me　a　written　promise　that　I　would　translate　and　meditate　upon　a　portion　of　the　Greek　text　every　morning　before　I　started　for　business。　This　promise　I　presently　failed　to　keep；　my　good　intentions　being　undermined　by　an　invincible　ennui；　I　concealed　the　dereliction　from　him；　and　the　sense　that　I　was　deceiving　my　Father　ate　into　my　conscience　like　a　canker。　But　the　dilemma　was　now　before　me　that　I　must　either　deceive　my　Father　in　such　things　or　paralyse　my　own　character。

My　growing　distaste　for　the　Holy　Scriptures　began　to　occupy　my　thoughts；　and　to　surprise　as　much　as　it　scandalized　me。　My　desire　was　to　continue　to　delight　in　those　sacred　pages；　for　which　I　still　had　an　instinctive　veneration。　Yet　I　could　not　but　observe　the　difference　between　the　zeal　with　which　I　snatched　at　a　volume　of　Carlyle　or　Ruskinsince　these　magicians　were　now　first　revealing　themselves　to　meand　the　increasing　languor　with　which　I　took　up　Alford　for　my　daily　'passage'。　Of　course；　although　I　did　not　know　it；　and　believed　my　reluctance　to　be　sinful；　the　real　reason　why　I　now　found　the　Bible　so　difficult　to　read　was　my　familiarity　with　its　contents。　These　had　the　colourless　triteness　of　a　story　retold　a　hundred　times。　I　longed　for　something　new；　something　that　would　gratify　curiosity　and　excite　surprise。　Whether　the　facts　and　doctrines　contained　in　the　Bible　were　true　or　false　was　not　the　question　that　appealed　to　me；　it　was　rather　that　they　had　been　presented　to　me　so　often　and　had　sunken　into　me　so　far　that；　as　someone　has　said；　they　'lay　bedridden　in　the　dormitory　of　the　soul'；　and　made　no　impression　of　any　kind　upon　me。

It　often　amazed　me；　and　I　am　still　unable　to　understand　the　fact；　that　my　Father；　through　his　long　lifeor　until　nearly　the　close　of　itcontinued　to　take　an　eager　pleasure　in　the　text　of　the　Bible。　As　I　think　I　have　already　said；　before　he　reached　middle　life；　he　had　committed　practically　the　whole　of　it　to　memory；　and　if　started　anywhere；　even　in　a　Minor　Prophet；　he　could　go　on　without　a　break　as　long　as　ever　he　was　inclined　for　that　exercise。　He；　therefore；　at　no　time　can　have　been　assailed　by　the　satiety　of　which　I　have　spoken；　and　that　it　came　so　soon　to　me　I　must　take　simply　as　an　indication　of　difference　of　temperament。　It　was　not　possible；　even　through　the　dark　glass　of　correspondence；　to　deceive　his　eagle　eye　in　this　matter；　and　his　suspicions　accordingly　took　another　turn。　He　conceived　me　to　have　become；　or　to　be　becoming；　a　victim　of　'the　infidelity　of　the　age。'　In　this　new　difficulty；　he　appealed　to　forms　of　modern　literature　by　the　side　of　which　the　least　attractive　pages　of　Leviticus　or　Deuteronomy　struck　me　as　even　thrilling。　In　particular；　he　urged　upon　me　a　work；　then　just　published；　called　The　Continuity　of　Scripture　by　William　Page　Wood；　afterwards　Lord　Chancellor　Hatherley。　I　do　not　know　why　he　supposed　that　the　lucubrations　of　an　exemplary　lawyer；　delivered　in　a　style　that　was　like　the　trickling　of　sawdust；　would　succeed　in　rousing　emotions　which　the　glorious　rhetoric　of　the　Orient　had　failed　to　awaken；　but　Page　Wood　had　been　a　Sunday　School　teacher　for　thirty　years；　and　my　Father　was　always　unduly　impressed　by　the　acumen　of　pious　barristers。

As　time　went　on；　and　I　grew　older　and　more　independent　in　mind；　my　Father's　anxiety　about　what　he　called　'the　pitfalls　and　snares　which　surround　on　every　hand　the　thoughtless　giddy　youth　of　London'　became　extremely　painful　to　himself。　By　harping　in　private　upon　these　'pitfalls'which　brought　to　my　imagination　a　funny　rough　woodcut　in　an　old　edition　of　Bunyan；　where　a　devil　was　seen　capering　over　a　sort　of　box　let　neatly　into　the　ground　he　worked　himself　up　into　a　frame　of　mind　which　was　not　a　little　irritating　to　his　hapless　correspondent；　who　was　now　'snared'　indeed；　limed　by　the　pen　like　a　bird　by　the　feet；　and　could　not　by　any　means　escape。　To　a　peck　or　a　flutter　from　the　bird　the　implacable　fowler　would　reply：

You　charge　me　with　being　suspicious；　and　I　fear　I　cannot　deny　the　charge。　But　I　can　appeal　to　your　own　sensitive　and　thoughtful　mind　for　a　considerable　allowance。　My　deep　and　tender　love　for　you；　your　youth　and　inexperience；　the　examples　of　other　young　men；　your　distance　from　parental　counsel；　our　absolute　and　painful　ignorance　of　all　the　details　of　your　daily　life；　except　what　you　yourself　tell　us：try　to　throw　yourself　into　the　standing　of　a　parent；　and　say　if　my　suspiciousness　is　unreasonable。　I　rejoicingly　acknowledge　that　from　all　I　see　you　are　pursuing　a　virtuous；　steady；　worthy　course。　One　good　thing　my　suspiciousness　does：ever　and　anon　it　brings　out　from　you　assurances；　which　greatly　refresh　and　comfort　me。　And　again；　it　carries　me　ever　to　God's　Throne　of　Grace　on　your　behalf　Holy　Job　suspected　that　his　sons　might　have　sinned；　and　cursed　God　in　their　heart。　Was　not　his　suspicion　much　like　mine；　grounded　on　the　same　reasons　and　productive　of　the　same　results？　For　it　drove　him　to　God　in　intercession。　I　have　adduced　the　example　of　this　Patriarch　before；　and　he　will　endure　being　looked　at　again。

In　fact；　Holy　Job　continued　to　be　frequently　looked　at；　and　for　this　Patriarch　I　came　to　experience　a　hatred　which　was　as　venomous　as　it　was　undeserved。　But　what　youth　of　eighteen　would　willingly　be　compared　with　the　sons　of　Job　And　indeed；　for　my　part；　I　felt　much　more　like　that　justly　exasperated　character；　Elihu　the　Buzite；　of　the　kindred　of　Ram。

As　time　went　on；　the　peculiar　strain　of　inquisition　was　relaxed；　and　I　endured　fewer　and　fewer　of　the　torments　of　religious　correspondence。　Nothing　abides　in　one　tense　projection；　and　my　Father；　resolute　as　he　was；　had　other　preoccupations。　His　orchids；　his　microscope；　his　physiological　researches；　his　interpretations　of　prophecy；　filled　up　the　hours　of　his　active　and　strenuous　life；　and；　out　of　his　sight；　I　became　not　indeed　out　of　his　mind；　but　no　longer　ceaselessly　in　the　painful　foreground　of　it。　Yet；　although　the　reiteration　of　his　anxiety　might　weary　him　a　little　as　it　had　wearied　me　well　nigh　to　groans　of　despair；　there　was　not　the　slightest　change　in　his　real　attitude　towards　the　subject　or　towards　me。

I　have　already　had　occasion　to　say　that　he　had　nothing　of　the　mystic　or　the　visionary　about　him。　At　certain　times　and　on　certain　points；　he　greatly　desired　that　signs　and　wonders；　such　as　had　astonished　and　encouraged　the　infancy　of　the　Christian　Church；　might　again　be　vouchsafed　to　it；　but　he　did　not　pretend　to　see　such　miracles　himself；　nor　give　the　slightest　credence　to　others　who　asserted　that　they　did。　He　often　congratulated　himself　on　the　fact　that　although　his　mind　dwelt　so　constantly　on　spiritual　matters　it　was　never　betrayed　into　any　suspension　of　the　rational　functions。

Cross…examination　by　letter　slackened；　but　on　occasion　of　my　brief　and　usually　summer　visits　to　Devonshire　I　suffered　acutely　from　my　Father's　dialectical　appetites。　He　was　surrounded　by　peasants；　on　whom　the　teeth　of　his　arguments　could　find　no　purchase。　To　him；　in　that　intellectual　Abdera；　even　an　unwilling　youth　from　London　offered　opportunities　of　pleasant　contest。　He　would　declare　himself　ready；　nay　eager；　for　argument。　With　his　mental　sleeves　turned　up；　he　would　adopt　a　fighting　attitude；　and　challenge　me　to　a　round　on　any　portion　of　the　Scheme　of　Grace。　His　alacrity　was　dreadful　to　me；　his　well…aimed　blows　fell　on　what　was　rather　a　bladder　or　a　pillow　than　a　vivid　antagonist。

He　was；　indeed；　most　unfairly　handicapped；I　was　naked；　he　in　a　suit　of　chain　armour；for　he　had　adopted　a　method　which　I　thought；　and　must　still　think；　exceedingly　unfair。　He　assumed　that　he　had　private　knowledge　of　the　Divine　Will；　and　he　would　meet　my　temporizing　arguments　by　asseverations；'So　sure　as　my　God　liveth！'　or　by　appeals　to　a　higher　authority；'But　what　does　my　Lord　tell　me　in　Paul's　Letter　to　the　Philippians？'　It　was　the　prerogative　of　his　faith　to　know；　and　of　his　character　to　overpower　objection；　between　these　two　millstones　I　was　rapidly　ground　to　powder。

These　'discussions'；　as　they　were　rather　ironically　called；　invariably　ended　for　me　in　disaster。　I　was　driven　out　of　my　papier…mache　fastnesses；　my　canvas　walls　rocked　at　the　first　peal　from　my　Father's　clarion；　and　the　foe　pursued　me　across　the　plains　of　Jericho　until　I　lay　down　ignominiously　and　covered　my　face。　I　seemed　to　be　pushed　with　horns　of　iron；　such　as　those　which　Zedekiah　the　son　of　Chenaanah　prepared　for　the　encouragement　of　Ahab。

When　I　acknowledged　defeat　and　cried　for　quarter；　my　Father　would　become　radiant；　and　I　still　seem　to　hear　the　sound　of　his　full　voice；　so　thrilling；　so　warm；　so　painful　to　my　over…strained　nerves；　bursting　forth　in　a　sort　of　benediction　at　the　end　of　each　of　these　one…sided　contentions；　with　'I　bow　my　knees　unto　the　Father　of　our　Lord　Jesus　Christ；　that　He　would　grant　you；　according　to　the　riches　of　His　glory；　to　be　strengthened　with　might　by　His　Spirit　in　the　inne