father and son-第6部分

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hers　has　said；　'those　testimonies　to　the　Blood　of　Christ；　the　fruits　of　her　pen；　began　to　be　spread　very　widely；　even　to　the　most　distant　parts　of　the　globe'。　My　Father；　too；　was　at　this　time　at　the　height　of　his　activity。　After　breakfast；　each　of　them　was　amply　occupied；　perhaps　until　night…fall；　our　evenings　we　still　always　spent　together。　Sometimes　my　Mother　took　me　with　her　on　her　'unknown　day's　employ'；　I　recollect　pleasant　rambles　through　the　City　by　her　side；　and　the　act　of　looking　up　at　her　figure　soaring　above　me。　But　when　all　was　done；　I　had　hours　and　hours　of　complete　solitude；　in　my　Father's　study；　in　the　back…　garden；　above　all　in　the　garret。

The　garret　was　a　fairy　place。　It　was　a　low　lean…to；　lighted　from　the　roof。　It　was　wholly　unfurnished；　except　for　two　objects；　an　ancient　hat…box　and　a　still　more　ancient　skin…trunk。　The　hat…box　puzzled　me　extremely；　till　one　day；　asking　my　Father　what　it　was；　I　got　a　distracted　answer　which　led　me　to　believe　that　it　was　itself　a　sort　of　hat；　and　I　made　a　laborious　but　repeated　effort　to　wear　it。　The　skin…trunk　was　absolutely　empty；　but　the　inside　of　the　lid　of　it　was　lined　with　sheets　of　what　I　now　know　to　have　been　a　sensational　novel。　It　was；　of　course；　a　fragment；　but　I　read　it；　kneeling　on　the　bare　floor；　with　indescribable　rapture。　It　will　be　recollected　that　the　idea　of　fiction；　of　a　deliberately　invented　story；　had　been　kept　from　me　with　entire　success。　I　therefore　implicitly　believed　the　tale　in　the　lid　of　the　trunk　to　be　a　true　account　of　the　sorrows　of　a　lady　of　title；　who　had　to　flee　the　country；　and　who　was　pursued　into　foreign　lands　by　enemies　bent　upon　her　ruin。　Somebody　had　an　interview　with　a　'minion'　in　a　'mask'；　I　went　downstairs　and　looked　up　these　words　in　Bailey's　English　Dictionary；　but　was　left　in　darkness　as　to　what　they　had　to　do　with　the　lady　of　title。　This　ridiculous　fragment　filled　me　with　delicious　fears；　I　fancied　that　my　Mother；　who　was　out　so　much；　might　be　threatened　by　dangers　of　the　same　sort；　and　the　fact　that　the　narrative　came　abruptly　to　an　end；　in　the　middle　of　one　of　its　most　thrilling　sentences；　wound　me　up　almost　to　a　disorder　of　wonder　and　romance。

The　preoccupation　of　my　parents　threw　me　more　and　more　upon　my　own　resources。　But　what　are　the　resources　of　a　solitary　child　of　six？　I　was　never　inclined　to　make　friends　with　servants；　nor　did　our　successive　maids　proffer；　so　far　as　I　recollect；　any　advances。　Perhaps；　with　my　'dedication'　and　my　grown…up　ways　of　talking；　I　did　not　seem　to　them　at　all　an　attractive　little　boy。　I　continued　to　have　no　companions；　or　even　acquaintances　of　my　own　age。　I　am　unable　to　recollect　exchanging　two　words　with　another　child　till　after　my　Mother's　death。

The　abundant　energy　which　my　Mother　now　threw　into　her　public　work　did　not　affect　the　quietude　of　our　private　life。　We　had　some　visitors　in　the　daytime；　people　who　came　to　consult　one　parent　or　the　other。　But　they　never　stayed　to　a　meal；　and　we　never　returned　their　visits。　I　do　not　quite　know　how　it　was　that　neither　of　my　parents　took　me　to　any　of　the　sights　of　London；　although　I　am　sure　it　was　a　question　of　principle　with　them。　Notwithstanding　all　our　study　of　natural　history；　I　was　never　introduced　to　live　wild　beasts　at　the　Zoo；　nor　to　dead　ones　at　the　British　Museum。　I　can　understand　better　why　we　never　visited　a　picture…gallery　or　a　concert…room。　So　far　as　I　can　recollect；　the　only　time　I　was　ever　taken　to　any　place　of　entertainment　was　when　my　Father　and　I　paid　a　visit；　long　anticipated；　to　the　Great　Globe　in　Leicester　Square。　This　was　a　huge　structure；　the　interior　of　which　one　ascended　by　means　of　a　spiral　staircase。　It　was　a　poor　affair；　that　was　concave　in　it　which　should　have　been　convex；　and　my　imagination　was　deeply　affronted。　I　could　invent　a　far　better　Great　Globe　than　that　in　my　mind's　eye　in　the　garret。

Being　so　restricted；　then；　and　yet　so　active；　my　mind　took　refuge　in　an　infantile　species　of　natural　magic。　This　contended　with　the　definite　ideas　of　religion　which　my　parents　were　continuing；　with　too　mechanical　a　persistency；　to　force　into　my　nature；　and　it　ran　parallel　with　them。　I　formed　strange　superstitions；　which　I　can　only　render　intelligible　by　naming　some　concrete　examples。　I　persuaded　myself　that；　if　I　could　only　discover　the　proper　words　to　say　or　the　proper　passes　to　make；　I　could　induce　the　gorgeous　birds　and　butterflies　in　my　Father's　illustrated　manuals　to　come　to　life；　and　fly　out　of　the　book；　leaving　holes　behind　them。　I　believed　that；　when；　at　the　Chapel；　we　sang；　drearily　and　slowly；　loud　hymns　of　experience　and　humiliation；　I　could　boom　forth　with　a　sound　equal　to　that　of　dozens　of　singers；　if　I　could　only　hit　upon　the　formula。　During　morning　and　evening　prayers；　which　were　extremely　lengthy　and　fatiguing；　I　fancied　that　one　of　my　two　selves　could　flit　up；　and　sit　clinging　to　the　cornice；　and　look　down　on　my　other　self　and　the　rest　of　us；　if　I　could　only　find　the　key。　I　laboured　for　hours　in　search　of　these　formulas；　thinking　to　compass　my　ends　by　means　absolutely　irrational。　For　example；　I　was　convinced　that　if　I　could　only　count　consecutive　numbers　long　enough；　without　losing　one；　I　should　suddenly；　on　reaching　some　far…distant　figure；　find　myself　in　possession　of　the　great　secret。　I　feel　quite　sure　that　nothing　external　suggested　these　ideas　of　magic；　and　I　think　it　probable　that　they　approached　the　ideas　of　savages　at　a　very　early　stage　of　development。

All　this　ferment　of　mind　was　entirely　unobserved　by　my　parents。　But　when　I　formed　the　belief　that　it　was　necessary；　for　the　success　of　my　practical　magic；　that　I　should　hurt　myself；　and　when；　as　a　matter　of　fact；　I　began；　in　extreme　secrecy；　to　run　pins　into　my　flesh　and　bang　my　joints　with　books；　no　one　will　be　surprised　to　hear　that　my　Mother's　attention　was　drawn　to　the　fact　that　I　was　looking　'delicate'。　The　notice　nowadays　universally　given　to　the　hygienic　rules　of　life　was　rare　fifty　years　ago　and　among　deeply　religious　people；　in　particular；　fatalistic　views　of　disease　prevailed。　If　anyone　was　ill；　it　showed　that　'the　Lord's　hand　was　extended　in　chastisement'；　and　much　prayer　was　poured　forth　in　order　that　it　might　be　explained　to　the　sufferer；　or　to　his　relations；　in　what　he　or　they　had　sinned。　People　would；　for　instance；　go　on　living　over　a　cess…　pool；　working　themselves　up　into　an　agony　to　discover　how　they　had　incurred　the　displeasure　of　the　Lord；　but　never　moving　away。　As　I　became　very　pale　and　nervous；　and　slept　badly　at　nights；　with　visions　and　loud　screams　in　my　sleep；　I　was　taken　to　a　physician；　who　stripped　me　and　tapped　me　all　over　（this　gave　me　some　valuable　hints　for　my　magical　practices）；　but　could　find　nothing　the　matter。　He　recommended；whatever　physicians　in　such　cases　always　recommend；but　nothing　was　done。　If　I　was　feeble　it　was　the　Lord's　will；　and　we　must　acquiesce。

It　culminated　in　a　sort　of　fit　of　hysterics；　when　I　lost　all　self…control；　and　sobbed　with　tears；　and　banged　my　head　on　the　table。　While　this　was　proceeding；　I　was　conscious　of　that　dual　individuality　of　which　I　have　already　spoken；　since　while　one　part　of　me　gave　way；　and　could　not　resist；　the　other　part　in　some　extraordinary　sense　seemed　standing　aloof；　much　impressed。　I　was　alone　with　my　Father　when　this　crisis　suddenly　occurred；　and　I　was　interested　to　see　that　he　was　greatly　alarmed。　It　was　a　very　long　time　since　we　had　spent　a　day　out　of　London；　and　I　said；　on　being　coaxed　back　to　calmness；　that　I　wanted　'to　go　into　the　country'。　Like　the　dying　Falstaff；　I　babbled　of　green　fields。　My　Father；　after　a　little　reflection；　proposed　to　take　me　to　Primrose　Hill。　I　had　never　heard　of　the　place；　and　names　have　always　appealed　directly　to　my　imagination。　I　was　in　the　highest　degree　delighted；　and　could　hardly　restrain　my　impatience。　As　soon　as　possible　we　set　forth　westward；　my　hand　in　my　Father's；　with　the　liveliest　anticipations。　I　expected　to　see　a　mountain　absolutely　carpeted　with　primroses；　a　terrestrial　galaxy　like　that　which　covered　the　hill　that　led　up　to　Montgomery　Castle　in　Donne's　poem。　But　at　length；　as　we　walked　from　the　Chalk　Farm　direction；　a　miserable　acclivity　stole　into　viewsurrounded；　even　in　those　days；　on　most　sides　by　houses；　with　its　grass　worn　to　the　buff　by　millions　of　boots；　and　resembling　what　I　meant　by　'the　country'　about　as　much　as　Poplar　resembles　Paradise。　We　sat　down　on　a　bench　at　its　inglorious　summit；　whereupon　I　burst　into　tears；　and　in　a　heart…rending　whisper　sobbed；　'Oh！　Papa；　let　us　go　home！'

This　was　the　lachrymose　epoch　in　a　career　not　otherwise　given　to　weeping；　for　I　must　tell　one　more　tale　of　tears。　About　this　time；the　autumn　of　1855；my　parents　were　disturbed　more　than　once　in　the　twilight；　after　I　had　been　put　to　bed；　by　shrieks　from　my　crib。　They　would　rush　up　to　my　side；　and　find　me　in　great　distress；　but　would　be　unable　to　discover　the　cause　of　it。　The　fact　was　that　I　was　half　beside　myself　with　ghostly　fears；　increased　and　pointed　by　the　fact　that　there　had　been　some　daring　burglaries　on　our　street。　Our　servant…maid；　who　slept　at　the　top　of　the　house；　had　seen；　or　thought　she　saw；　upon　a　moonlight　night　the　figure　of　a　crouching　man；　silhouetted　against　the　sky；　slip　down　from　the　roof　and　leap　into　her　room。　She　screamed；　and　he　fled　away。　Moreover；　as　if　this　were　not　enough　for　my　tender　nerves；　there　had　been　committed　a　horrid　murder　at　a　baker's　shop　just　around　the　corner　in　the　Caledonian　Road；　to　which　murder　actuality　was　given　to　us　by　the　fact　that　my　Mother　had　been　'just　thinking'　of　getting　her　bread　from　this　shop。　Children；　I　think；　were　not　spared　the　details　of　these　affairs　fifty　years　ago；　at　least；　I　was　not；　and　my　nerves　were　a　packet　of　spilikins。

But　what　made　me　scream　at　nights　was　that　when　my　Mother　had　tucked　me　up　in　bed；　and　had　heard　me　say　my　prayer；　and　had　prayed　aloud　on　her　knees　at　my　side；　and　had　stolen　downstairs　noises　immediately　began　in　the　room。　There　was　a　rustling　of　clothes；　and　a　slapping　of　hands；　and　a　gurgling；　and　a　sniffing；　and　a　trotting。　These　horrible　muffled　sounds　would　go　on；　and　die　away；　and　be　resumed；　I　would　pray　very　fervently　to　God　to　save　me　from　my　enemies；　and　sometimes　I　would　go　to　sleep。　But　on　other　occasions；　my　faith　and　fortitude　alike　gave　way；