the life of charlotte bronte-1-第48部分

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e　on　our　account。　　Depend　upon　it；　if　you　were　to　persuade　a　mamma　to　bring　her　child　to　Haworth；　the　aspect　of　the　place　would　frighten　her；　and　she　would　probably　take　the　dear　girl　back　with　her；　instanter。　　We　are　glad　that　we　have　made　the　attempt；　and　we　will　not　be　cast　down　because　it　has　not　succeeded。〃


There　were；　probably；　growing　up　in　each　sister's　heart；　secret　unacknowledged　feelings　of　relief；　that　their　plan　had　not　succeeded。　　Yes！　a　dull　sense　of　relief　that　their　cherished　project　had　been　tried　and　had　failed。　　For　that　house；　which　was　to　be　regarded　as　an　occasional　home　for　their　brother；　could　hardly　be　a　fitting　residence　for　the　children　of　strangers。　　They　had；　in　all　likelihood；　become　silently　aware　that　his　habits　were　such　as　to　render　his　society　at　times　most　undesirable。　Possibly；　too；　they　had；　by　this　time；　heard　distressing　rumours　concerning　the　cause　of　that　remorse　and　agony　of　mind；　which　at　times　made　him　restless　and　unnaturally　merry；　at　times　rendered　him　moody　and　irritable。

In　January；　1845；　Charlotte　says：…　〃Branwell　has　been　quieter　and　less　irritable；　on　the　whole；　this　time　than　he　was　in　summer。　Anne　is；　as　usual；　always　good；　mild；　and　patient。〃　　The　deep…　seated　pain　which　he　was　to　occasion　to　his　relations　had　now　taken　a　decided　form；　and　pressed　heavily　on　Charlotte's　health　and　spirits。　　Early　in　this　year；　she　went　to　H。　to　bid　good…bye　to　her　dear　friend　〃Mary；〃　who　was　leaving　England　for　Australia。

Branwell；　I　have　mentioned；　had　obtained　the　situation　of　a　private　tutor。　　Anne　was　also　engaged　as　governess　in　the　same　family；　and　was　thus　a　miserable　witness　to　her　brother's　deterioration　of　character　at　this　period。　　Of　the　causes　of　this　deterioration　I　cannot　speak；　but　the　consequences　were　these。　　He　went　home　for　his　holidays　reluctantly；　stayed　there　as　short　a　time　as　possible；　perplexing　and　distressing　them　all　by　his　extraordinary　conductat　one　time　in　the　highest　spirits；　at　another；　in　the　deepest　depressionaccusing　himself　of　blackest　guilt　and　treachery；　without　specifying　what　they　were；　and　altogether　evincing　an　irritability　of　disposition　bordering　on　insanity。

Charlotte　and　Emily　suffered　acutely　from　his　mysterious　behaviour。　　He　expressed　himself　more　than　satisfied　with　his　situation；　he　was　remaining　in　it　for　a　longer　time　than　he　had　ever　done　in　any　kind　of　employment　before；　so　that　for　some　time　they　could　not　conjecture　that　anything　there　made　him　so　wilful；　and　restless；　and　full　of　both　levity　and　misery。　　But　a　sense　of　something　wrong　connected　with　him；　sickened　and　oppressed　them。　They　began　to　lose　all　hope　in　his　future　career。　　He　was　no　longer　the　family　pride；　an　indistinct　dread；　caused　partly　by　his　own　conduct；　partly　by　expressions　of　agonising　suspicion　in　Anne's　letters　home；　was　creeping　over　their　minds　that　he　might　turn　out　their　deep　disgrace。　　But；　I　believe；　they　shrank　from　any　attempt　to　define　their　fears；　and　spoke　of　him　to　each　other　as　little　as　possible。　　They　could　not　help　but　think；　and　mourn；　and　wonder。

〃Feb。　20th；　1845。

〃I　spent　a　week　at　H。；　not　very　pleasantly；　headache；　sickliness；　and　flatness　of　spirits；　made　me　a　poor　companion；　a　sad　drag　on　the　vivacious　and　loquacious　gaiety　of　all　the　other　inmates　of　the　house。　　I　never　was　fortunate　enough　to　be　able　to　rally；　for　as　much　as　a　single　hour；　while　I　was　there。　　I　am　sure　all；　with　the　exception　perhaps　of　Mary；　were　very　glad　when　I　took　my　departure。　　I　begin　to　perceive　that　I　have　too　little　life　in　me；　now…a…days；　to　be　fit　company　for　any　except　very　quiet　people。　Is　it　age；　or　what　else；　that　changes　me　so？〃

Alas！　she　hardly　needed　to　have　asked　this　question。　　How　could　she　be　otherwise　than　〃flat…spirited；〃　〃a　poor　companion；〃　and　a　〃sad　drag〃　on　the　gaiety　of　those　who　were　light…hearted　and　happy！　　Her　honest　plan　for　earning　her　own　livelihood　had　fallen　away；　crumbled　to　ashes；　after　all　her　preparations；　not　a　pupil　had　offered　herself；　and；　instead　of　being　sorry　that　this　wish　of　many　years　could　not　be　realised；　she　had　reason　to　be　glad。　　Her　poor　father；　nearly　sightless；　depended　upon　her　cares　in　his　blind　helplessness；　but　this　was　a　sacred　pious　charge；　the　duties　of　which　she　was　blessed　in　fulfilling。　　The　black　gloom　hung　over　what　had　once　been　the　brightest　hope　of　the　familyover　Branwell；　and　the　mystery　in　which　his　wayward　conduct　was　enveloped。　　Somehow　and　sometime；　he　would　have　to　turn　to　his　home　as　a　hiding　place　for　shame；　such　was　the　sad　foreboding　of　his　sisters。　　Then　how　could　she　be　cheerful；　when　she　was　losing　her　dear　and　noble　〃Mary；〃　for　such　a　length　of　time　and　distance　of　space　that　her　heart　might　well　prophesy　that　it　was　〃for　ever〃？　　Long　before；　she　had　written　of　Mary　T。；　that　she　〃was　full　of　feelings　noble；　warm；　generous；　devoted；　and　profound。　God　bless　her！　　I　never　hope　to　see　in　this　world　a　character　more　truly　noble。　　She　would　die　willingly　for　one　she　loved。　　Her　intellect　and　attainments　are　of　the　very　highest　standard。〃　　And　this　was　the　friend　whom　she　was　to　lose！　　Hear　that　friend's　account　of　their　final　interview：…

〃When　I　last　saw　Charlotte　（Jan。　1845）；　she　told　me　she　had　quite　decided　to　stay　at　home。　　She　owned　she　did　not　like　it。　　Her　health　was　weak。　　She　said　she　should　like　any　change　at　first；　as　she　had　liked　Brussels　at　first；　and　she　thought　that　there　must　be　some　possibility　for　some　people　of　having　a　life　of　more　variety　and　more　communion　with　human　kind；　but　she　saw　none　for　her。　　I　told　her　very　warmly；　that　she　ought　not　to　stay　at　home；　that　to　spend　the　next　five　years　at　home；　in　solitude　and　weak　health；　would　ruin　her；　that　she　would　never　recover　it。　　Such　a　dark　shadow　came　over　her　face　when　I　said；　'Think　of　what　you'll　be　five　years　hence！'　that　I　stopped；　and　said；　'Don't　cry；　Charlotte！'　　She　did　not　cry；　but　went　on　walking　up　and　down　the　room；　and　said　in　a　little　while；　'But　I　intend　to　stay；　Polly。'〃

A　few　weeks　after　she　parted　from　Mary；　she　gives　this　account　of　her　days　at　Haworth。

〃March　24th；　1845。

〃I　can　hardly　tell　you　how　time　gets　on　at　Haworth。　　There　is　no　event　whatever　to　mark　its　progress。　　One　day　resembles　another；　and　all　have　heavy；　lifeless　physiognomies。　　Sunday；　baking…day；　and　Saturday；　are　the　only　ones　that　have　any　distinctive　mark。　Meantime；　life　wears　away。　　I　shall　soon　be　thirty；　and　I　have　done　nothing　yet。　　Sometimes　I　get　melancholy　at　the　prospect　before　and　behind　me。　　Yet　it　is　wrong　and　foolish　to　repine。　Undoubtedly；　my　duty　directs　me　to　stay　at　home　for　the　present。　There　was　a　time　when　Haworth　was　a　very　pleasant　place　to　me；　it　is　not　so　now。　　I　feel　as　if　we　were　all　buried　here。　　I　long　to　travel；　to　work；　to　live　a　life　of　action。　　Excuse　me；　dear；　for　troubling　you　with　my　fruitless　wishes。　　I　will　put　by　the　rest；　and　not　trouble　you　with　them。　　You　must　write　to　me。　　If　you　knew　how　welcome　your　letters　are；　you　would　write　very　often。　　Your　letters；　and　the　French　newspapers；　are　the　only　messengers　that　come　to　me　from　the　outer　world　beyond　our　moors；　and　very　welcome　messengers　they　are。〃

One　of　her　daily　employments　was　to　read　to　her　father；　and　it　required　a　little　gentle　diplomacy　on　her　part　to　effect　this　duty；　for　there　were　times　when　the　offer　of　another　to　do　what　he　had　been　so　long　accustomed　to　do　for　himself；　only　reminded　him　too　painfully　of　the　deprivation　under　which　he　was　suffering。　And；　in　secret；　she；　too；　dreaded　a　similar　loss　for　herself。　Long…continued　ill　health；　a　deranged　condition　of　the　liver；　her　close　application　to　minute　drawing　and　writing　in　her　younger　days；　her　now　habitual　sleeplessness　at　nights；　the　many　bitter　noiseless　tears　she　had　shed　over　Branwell's　mysterious　and　distressing　conductall　these　causes　were　telling　on　her　poor　eyes；　and　about　this　time　she　thus　writes　to　M。　Heger：…

〃Il　n'y　a　rien　que　je　crains　comme　le　desoeuvrement；　l'inertie；　la　lethargie　des　facultes。　　Quand　le　corps　est　paresseux　l'esprit　souffre　cruellement；　je　ne　connaitrais　pas　cette　lethargie；　si　je　pouvais　ecrire。　　Autrefois　je　passais　des　journees；　des　semaines；　des　mois　entiers　e　ecrire；　et　pas　tout…e…fait　sans　fruit；　puisque　Southey　et　Coleridge；　deux　de　nos　meilleurs　auteurs；　e　qui　j'ai　envoye　certains　manuscrits；　en　ont　bien　voulu　temoigner　leur　approbation；　mais　e　present；　j'ai　la　vue　trop　faible；　si　j'ecrivais　beaueoup　je　deviendrais　aveugle。　　Cette　faiblesse　de　vue　est　pour　moi　une　terrible　privation；　sans　cela；　savez…vous　ce　que　je　ferais；　Monsieur？　　J'ecrirais　un　livre　et　je　le　dedierais　e　mon　maitre　de　litterature；　au　seul　maitre　que　j'aie　jamais　eue　vous；　Monsieur！　　Je　vous　ai　dit　souvent　en　francais　combien　je　vous　respecte；　combien　je　suis　redevable　e　votre　bonte；　e　vos　conseils。　　Je　voudrais　le　dire　une　fois　en　anglais。　　Cela　ne　se　peut　pas；　il　ne　faut　pas　y　penser。　　La　carriere　des　lettres　m'est　fermee　。　。　。　N'oubliez　pas　de　me　dire　comment　vous　vous　portez；　comment　Madame　et　les　enfants　se　portent。　　Je　compte　bientot　avoir　de　vos　nouvelles；　cette　idee　me　souris；　car　le　souvenir　de　vos　bontes　ne　s'effacera　jamais　de　ma　memoire；　et　tant　que　ce　souvenir　durera；　le　respect　que　vous　m'avez　inspire　durera　aussi。　　Agreez；　Monsieur；〃　&c。


It　is　probable；　that　even　her　sisters　and　most　intimate　friends　did　not　know　of　this　dread　of　ultimate　blindness　which　beset　her　at　this　period。　　What　eyesight　she　had　to　spare　she　reserved　for　the　use　of　her　father。　　She　did　but　little　plain…sewing；　not　more　writing　than　could　be　avoided；　and　employed　herself　principally　in　knitting。

〃April　2nd；　1845。

〃I　see　plainly　it　is　proved　to　us　that　there　is　scarcely　a　draught　of　unmingled　happiness　to　be　had　in　this　world。　　…'s　illness　comes　with　…'s　marriage。　　Mary　T。　finds　herself　free；　and　on　that　path　to　adventure　and　exertion　to　which　she　has　so　long　been　seeking　admission。　　Sickness；　hardship；　danger　are　her　fellow　travellers　her　inseparable　companions。　　She　may　have　been　out　of　the　reach　of　these　S。　W。　N。　W。　gales；　before　they　began　to　blow；　or　they　may　have　spent　their　fury　on　land；　and　not　ruffled　the　sea　much。　　If　it　has　been　otherwise；　she　has　been　sorely　tossed；　while　we　have　been　sleeping　in　our　beds；　or　lying　awake　thin