生命不能承受之轻-第6部分

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d　not　Es　muss　sein！　（It　must　be　so）；　but　rather　Es　konnte　auch　anders　sein　（It　could　just　as　well　be　otherwise）。
Seven　years　earlier；　a　complex　neurological　case　happened　to　have　been　discovered　at　the　hospital　in　Tereza's　town。　They　called　in　the　chief　surgeon　of　Tomas's　hospital　in　Prague　for　consultation；　but　the　chief　surgeon　of　Tomas's　hospital　happened　to　be　suffering　from　sciatica；　and　because　he　could　not　move　he　sent　Tomas　to　the　provincial　hospital　in　his　place。　The　town　had　several　hotels；　but　Tomas　happened　to　be　given　a　room　in　the　one　where　Tereza　was　employed。　He　happened　to　have　had　enough　free　time　before　his　train　left　to　stop　at　the　hotel　restaurant。　Tereza　happened　to　be　on　duty；　and　happened　to　be　serving　Tomas's　table。　It　had　taken　six　chance　happenings　to　push　Tomas　towards　Tereza；　as　if　he　had　little　inclination　to　go　to　her　on　his　own。
He　had　gone　back　to　Prague　because　of　her。　So　fateful　a　decision　resting　on　so　fortuitous　a　love；　a　love　that　would　not　even　have　existed　had　it　not　been　for　the　chief　surgeon's　sciatica　seven　years　earlier。　And　that　woman；　that　personification　of　absolute　fortuity；　now　again　lay　asleep　beside　him；　breathing　deeply。
It　was　late　at　night。　His　stomach　started　acting　up　as　it　tended　to　do　in　times　of　psychic　stress。
Once　or　twice　her　breathing　turned　into　mild　snores。　Tomas　felt　no　compassion。　All　he　felt　was　the　pressure　in　his　stomach　and　the　despair　of　having　returned。


PART　TWO
Soul　and　Body

1
It　would　be　senseless　for　the　author　to　try　to　convince　the　reader　that　his　characters　once　actually　lived。　They　were　not　born　of　a　mother's　womb；　they　were　born　of　a　stimulating　phrase　or　two　or　from　a　basic　situation。　Tomas　was　born　of　the　saying　Einma！　ist　keinmal。　Tereza　was　born　of　the　rumbling　of　a　stomach。
The　first　time　she　went　to　Tomas's　flat；　her　insides　began　to　rumble。　And　no　wonder：　she　had　had　nothing　to　eat　since　breakfast　but　a　quick　sandwich　on　the　platform　before　boarding　the　train。　She　had　concentrated　on　the　daring　journey　ahead　of　her　and　forgotten　about　food。　But　when　we　ignore　the　body；　we　are　more　easily　victimized　by　it。　She　felt　terrible　standing　there　in　front　of　Tomas　listening　to　her　belly　speak　out。　She　felt　like　crying。　Fortunately；　after　the　first　ten　seconds　Tomas　put　his　arms　around　her　and　made　her　forget　her　ventral　voices。

2
Tereza　was　therefore　born　of　a　situation　which　brutally　reveals　the　irreconcilable　duality　of　body　and　soul；　that　fundamental　human　experience。
A　long　time　ago；　man　would　listen　in　amazement　to　the　sound　of　regular　beats　in　his　chest；　never　suspecting　what　they　were。　He　was　unable　to　identify　himself　with　so　alien　and　unfamiliar　an　object　as　the　body。　The　body　was　a　cage；　and　inside　that　cage　was　something　which　looked；　listened；　feared；　thought；　and　marveled；　that　something；　that　remainder　left　over　after　the　body　had　been　accounted　for；　was　the　soul。
Today；　of　course；　the　body　is　no　longer　unfamiliar：　we　know　that　the　beating　in　our　chest　is　the　heart　and　that　the　nose　is　the　nozzle　of　a　hose　sticking　out　of　the　body　to　take　oxygen　to　the　lungs。　The　face　is　nothing　but　an　instrument　panel　registering　all　the　body　mechanisms：　digestion；　sight；　hearing；　respiration；　thought。
Ever　since　man　has　learned　to　give　each　part　of　the　body　a　name；　the　body　has　given　him　less　trouble。　He　has　also　learned　that　the　soul　is　nothing　more　than　the　gray　matter　of　the　brain　in　action。　The　old　duality　of　body　and　soul　has　become　shrouded　in　scientific　terminology；　and　we　can　laugh　at　it　as　merely　an　obsolete　prejudice。
But　just　make　someone　who　has　fallen　in　love　listen　to　his　stomach　rumble；　and　the　unity　of　body　and　soul；　that　lyrical　illusion　of　the　age　of　science；　instantly　fades　away。

3
Tereza　tried　to　see　herself　through　her　body。　That　is　why；　from　girlhood　on；　she　would　stand　before　the　mirror　so　often。　And　because　she　was　afraid　her　mother　would　catch　her　at　it；　every　peek　into　the　mirror　had　a　tinge　of　secret　vice。
It　was　not　vanity　that　drew　her　to　the　mirror；　it　was　amazement　at　seeing　her　own　I。　She　forgot　she　was　looking　at　the　instrument　panel　of　her　body　mechanisms；　she　thought　she　saw　her　soul　shining　through　the　features　of　her　face。　She　forgot　that　the　nose　was　merely　the　nozzle　of　a　hose　that　took　oxygen　to　the　lungs；　she　saw　it　as　the　true　expression　of　her　nature。
Staring　at　herself　for　long　stretches　of　time；　she　was　occasionally　upset　at　the　sight　of　her　mother's　features　in　her　face。　She　would　stare　all　the　more　doggedly　at　her　image　in　an　attempt　to　wish　them　away　and　keep　only　what　was　hers　alone。　Each　time　she　succeeded　was　a　time　of　intoxication：　her　soul　would　rise　to　the　surface　of　her　body　like　a　crew　charging　up　from　the　bowels　of　a　ship；　spreading　out　over　the　deck；　waving　at　the　sky　and　singing　in　jubilation。
4
She　took　after　her　mother；　and　not　only　physically。　I　sometimes　have　the　feeling　that　her　entire　life　was　merely　a　continuation　of　her　mother's；　much　as　the　course　of　a　ball　on　the　billiard　table　is　merely　the　continuation　of　the　player's　arm　movement。
Indeed；　was　she　not　the　principal　culprit　determining　her　mother's　fate？　She；　the　absurd　encounter　of　the　sperm　of　the　most　manly　of　men　and　the　egg　of　the　most　beautiful　of　women？　Yes；　it　was　in　that　fateful　second；　which　was　named　Tereza；　that　the　botched　long…distance　race；　her　mother's　life；　had　begun。
Tereza's　mother　never　stopped　reminding　her　that　being　a　mother　meant　sacrificing　everything。　Her　words　had　the　ring　of　truth；　backed　as　they　were　by　the　experience　of　a　woman　who　had　lost　everything　because　of　her　child。　Tereza　would　listen　and　believe　that　being　a　mother　was　the　highest　value　in　life　and　that　being　a　mother　was　a　great　sacrifice。　If　a　mother　was　Sacrifice　personified；　then　a　daughter　was　Guilt；　with　no　possibility　of　redress。
6
Of　course；　Tereza　did　not　know　the　story　of　the　night　when　her　mother　whispered　Be　careful　into　the　ear　of　her　father。　Her　guilty　conscience　was　as　vague　as　original　sin。　But　she　did　what　she　could　to　rid　herself　of　it。　Her　mother　took　her　out　of　school　at　the　age　of　fifteen；　and　Tereza　went　to　work　as　a　waitress；　handing　over　all　her　earnings。　She　was　willing　to　do　anything　to　gain　her　mother's　love。　She　ran　the　household；　took　care　of　her　siblings；　and　spent　all　day　Sunday　cleaning　house　and　doing　the　family　wash。　It　was　a　pity；　because　she　was　the　brightest　in　her　class。　She　yearned　for　something　higher；　but　in　the　small　town　there　was　nothing　higher　for　her。　Whenever　she　did　the　clothes；　she　kept　a　book　next　to　the　tub。　As　she　turned　the　pages；　the　wash　water　dripped　all　over　them。
At　home；　there　was　no　such　thing　as　shame。　Her　mother　marched　about　the　flat　in　her　underwear；　sometimes　braless　and　sometimes；　on　summer　days；　stark　naked。　Her　stepfather　did　not　walk　about　naked；　but　he　did　go　into　the　bathroom　every　time　Tereza　was　in　the　bath。　Once　she　locked　herself　in　and　her　mother　was　furious。　Who　do　you　think　you　are；　anyway？　Do　you　think　he's　going　to　bite　off　a　piece　of　your　beauty？　
（This　confrontation　shows　clearly　that　hatred　for　her　daughter　outweighed　suspicion　of　her　husband。　Her　daughter's　guilt　was　infinite　and　included　the　husband's　infidelities。　Tereza's　desire　to　be　emancipated　and　insist　on　her　rights—like　the　right　to　lock　herself　in　the　bathroom—was　more　objectionable　to　Tereza's　mother　than　the　possibility　of　her　husband's　taking　a　prurient　interest　in　Tereza。）
Once　her　mother　decided　to　go　naked　in　the　winter　when　the　lights　were　on。　Tereza　quickly　ran　to　pull　the　curtains　so　that　no　one　could　see　her　from　across　the　street。　She　heard　her　mother's　laughter　behind　her。　The　following　day　her　mother　had　some　friends　over：　a　neighbor；　a　woman　she　worked　with；　a　local　schoolmistress；　and　two　or　three　other　women　in　the　habit　of　getting　together　regularly。　Tereza　and　the　sixteen…year…old　son　of　one　of　them　came　in　at　one　point　to　say　hello；　and　her　mother　immediately　took　advantage　of　their　presence　to　tell　how　Tereza　had　tried　to　protect　her　mother's　modesty。　She　laughed；　and　all　the　women　laughed　with　her。　Tereza　can't　reconcile　herself　to　the　idea　that　the　human　body　pisses　and　farts；　she　said。　Tereza　turned　bright　red；　but　her　mother　would　not　stop。　What's　so　terrible　about　that？　and　in　answer　to　her　own　question　she　broke　wind　loudly。　All　the　women　laughed　again。

7
Tereza's　mother　blew　her　nose　noisily；　talked　to　people　in　public　about　her　sex　life；　and　enjoyed　demonstrating　her　false　teeth。　She　was　remarkably　skillful　at　loosening　them　with　her　tongue；　and　in　the　midst　of　a　broad　smile　would　cause　the　uppers　to　drop　down　over　the　lowers　in　such　a　way　as　to　give　her　face　a　sinister　expression。
Her　behavior　was　but　a　single　grand　gesture；　a　casting　off　of　youth　and　beauty。　In　the　days　when　she　had　had　nine　suitors　kneeling　round　her　in　a　circle；　she　guarded　her　nakedness　apprehensively；　as　though　trying　to　express　the　value　of　her　body　in　terms　of　the　modesty　she　accorded　it。　Now　she　had　not　only　lost　that　modesty；　she　had　radically　broken　with　it；　ceremoniously　using　her　new　immodesty　to　draw　a　dividing　line　through　her　life　and　proclaim　that　youth　and　beauty　were　overrated　and　worthless。
Tereza　appears　to　me　a　continuation　of　the　gesture　by　which　her　mother　cast　off　her　life　as　a　young　beauty；　cast　it　far　behind　her。
（And　if　Tereza　has　a　nervous　way　of　moving；　if　her　gestures　lack　a　certain　easy　grace；　we　must　not　be　surprised：　her　mother's　grand；　wild；　and　self…destructive　gesture　has　left　an　indelible　imprint　on　her。）

8
Tereza's　mother　demanded　justice。　She　wanted　to　see　the　culprit　penalized。　That　is　why　she　insisted　her　daughter　remain　with　her　in　the　world　of　immodesty；　where　youth　and　beauty　mean　nothing；　where　the　world　is　nothing　but　a　vast　concentration　camp　of　bodies；　one　like　the　next；　with　souls　invisible。
Now　we　can　better　understand　the　meaning　of　Tereza's　secret　vice；　her　long　looks　and　frequent　glances　in　the　mirror。　It　was　a　battle　with　her　mother。　It　was　a　longing　to　be　a　body　unlike　other　bodies；　to　find　that　the　surface　of　her　face　reflected　the　crew　of　the　soul　charging　up　from　below。　It　was　not　an　easy　task：　her　soul—her　sad；　timid；　self…effacing　soul—lay　concealed　in　the　depths　of　her　bowels　and　was　ashamed　to　show　itself。