louisa of prussia and her times-第75部分

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you　do　not　love　me。　But　let　us　speak　of　what　brought　me　here　to…day…
…of　the　past。　You　know　that；　before　our　marriage；　you　afforded　me
the　happiness　of　a　long　and　confidential　interview；　that　you
permitted　me　to　look　down　into　the　depths　of　your　pure　and　noble
soul；　that　you　unveiled　to　me　your　innocent　heart；　that　did　not　yet
exhibit　either　scars　or　wounds；　nor　even　an　image；　a　souvenir；　and
allowed　me　to　be　your　brother　and　your　friend；　as　you　would　not
accept　me　as　a　lover　and　husband。　Before　the　world；　however；　I
became　your　husband；　and　took　you　to　Vienna；　to　my　house；　of　which
you　were　to　be　the　mistress　and　queen。　The　whole　house　was　gayly
decorated；　and　all　the　rooms　were　opened；　for　your　arrival　was　to　be
celebrated　by　a　ball。　Only　one　door　was　locked；　it　was　the　door　of
this　cabinet。　I　conducted　you　hither　and　said　to　you；　'This　is　your
sanctuary；　and　no　one　shall　enter　it　without　your　permission。　In
this　boudoir　you　are　not　the　Baroness　Arnstein；　not　my　wife；　but
here　you　are　Fanny　Itzig；　the　free　and　unshackled　young　girl；　who　is
mistress　of　her　will　and　affections。　I　shall　never　dare　myself；
without　being　expressly　authorized　by　you；　to　enter　this　room；　and
when　I　shall　be　allowed　to　do　so；　I　shall　only　come　as　a　cavalier；
who　has　the　honor　to　pay　a　polite　visit　to　a　beautiful　lady；　to　whom
he　is　not　connected　in　any　manner　whatever。　Before　the　world　I　am
your　husband；　but　not　in　this　room。　Hence　I　shall　never　permit
myself　to　ask　what　you　are　doing　in　this　room；　whom　you　are
receiving　here；　for　here　you　are　only　responsible　to　God　and
yourself。'　Do　you　now　remember　that　I　said　this　to　you　at　that
time？〃

〃I　do。〃

〃I　told　you　further　that　I　begged　you　to　continue　with　me　one　day
here　in　this　room　the　confidential　conversation　which　we　held　before
our　marriage。　I　begged　you　to　fix　a　period　of　five　years　for　this
purpose　and；　during　this　time；　to　examine　your　heart　and　to　see
whether　life　at　my　side　was　at　least　a　tolerable　burden；　or　whether
you　wished　to　shake　it　off。　I　asked　you　to　promise　me　that　I　might
enter　this　room　on　the　fifth　anniversary　of　our　wedding…day；　for　the
purpose　of　settling　then　with　you　our　future　mode　of　living。　You
were　kind　enough　to　grant　my　prayer；　and　to　promise　what　I　asked。　Do
you　remember　it？〃

〃I　do；〃　said　Fanny；　blushing；　〃I　must　confess；　however；　that　I　did
not　regard　those　words　in　so　grave　a　light　as　to　consider　them　as　a
formal　obligation　on　your　part。　You　would　have　been　every　day　a
welcome　guest　in　this　room；　and　it　was　unnecessary　for　you　to　wait
for　a　particular　day　in　accordance　with　an　agreement　made　five　years
ago。〃

〃Your　answer　is　an　evasive　one；〃　said　the　baron；　sadly。　〃I　implore
you；　let　us　now　again　speak　as　frankly　and　honestly　as　we　did　five
years　ago　to…day！　Will　you　grant　my　prayer？〃

〃I　will；〃　replied　Fanny；　eagerly；　〃and　I　am　going　to　prove
immediately　that　I　am　in　earnest。　You　alluded　a　few　minutes　ago　to
our　past；　and　asked　me　wonderingly　if　I　had　forgotten　that　interview
on　our　wedding…day。　I　remember　it　so　well；　however；　that　I　must
direct　your　attention　to　the　fact　that　you　have　forgotten　the
principal　portion　of　what　we　said　to　each　other　at　that　time；　or
rather　that；　in　your　generous　delicacy；　and　with　that　magnanimous
kindness　which　you　alone　may　boast　of；　you　have　intentionally
omitted　that　portion　of　it。　You　remembered　that　I　told　you　I　did　not
love　you；　but　you　forgot　that　you　then　asked　me　if　I　loved　another
man。　I　replied　to　you　that　I　loved　no　one；　and　never　shall　I　forget
the　mournful　voice　in　which　you　then　said；　'It　is　by　far　easier　to
marry　with　a　cold　heart　than　to　do　so　with　a　broken　heart；　for　the
cold　heart　may　grow　warm；　but　the　broken　heartnever！'　Oh；　do　not
excuse　yourself；〃　she　continued；　with　greater　warmth；　〃do　not　take
me　for　so　conceited　and　narrow…minded　a　being　that　I　should　have
regarded　those　words　of　yours　as　an　insult　offered　to　me！　It　was；　at
the　best；　but　a　pang　that　I　felt。〃

〃A　pang？〃　asked　the　baron；　in　surprise；　and　he　fixed　his　dark　eyes；
with　a　wondrously　impassioned　expression；　on　the　face　of　his
beautiful　wife。

〃Yes；　I　felt　a　pang；〃　she　exclaimed；　vividly；　〃for；　on　hearing　your
words；　which　evidently　issued　from　the　depths　of　your　soul；　on
witnessing　your　unaffected　and　passionate　grief；　your　courageous
self…abnegation；　I　felt　that　your　heart　had　received　a　wound　which
never　would　close　again；　and　that　you　never　would　faithlessly　turn
from　your　first　love　to　a　second　one。〃

〃Oh；　my　God；〃　murmured　the　baron；　and　he　averted　his　face　in　order
not　to　let　her　see　the　blush　suddenly　mantling　it。

Fanny　did　not　notice　it；　and　continued：　〃But　this　dead　love　of　yours
laid　itself　like　the　cold　hand　of　a　corpse　upon　my　breast　and　doomed
it　to　everlasting　coldness。　With　the　consciousness　that　you　never
would　love　me；　I　had　to　cease　striving　for　it；　and　give　up　the　hope
of　seeing；　perhaps；　one　day　my　heart　awake　in　love　for　you；　and　the
wondrous　flower　of　a　tenderness　after　marriage　unfold　itself；　the
gradual　budding　of　which　had　been　denied　to　us　by　the　arbitrary
action　of　our　parents；　who　had　not　consulted　our　wishes；　but　only
our　fortunes。　I　became　your　wife　with　the　full　conviction　that　I
should　have　to　lead　a　life　cold；　dreary；　and　devoid　of　love；　and
that　I　could　not　be　for　you　but　an　everlasting　burden；　a　chain；　an
obstacle。　My　pride；　that　was　revolting　against　it；　told　me　that　I
should　be　able　to　bear　this　life　in　a　dignified　manner；　but　that　I
never　ought　to　make　even　an　attempt　to　break　through　this　barrier
which　your　love　for　another　had　erected　between　us；　and　which　you
tried　to　raise　as　high　as　possible。〃

〃I！〃　exclaimed　the　baron；　sadly。

〃Yes；　you；〃　she　said；　gravely。　〃Or　did　you　believe；　perhaps；　I　did
not　comprehend　your　rigorous　reserve　toward　me？　I　did　not　understand
that　you　were　wrapping　around　your　aversion　to　me　but　a　delicate
veil？　You　conducted　me　to　this　room　and　told　me　that　you　never　would
enter　it；　and　that　you　would　only　come　here　when　specially　invited
by　myself　to　do　so。　Well；　sir；　you　managed　very　skilfully　to　conceal
your　intention　never　to　be　alone　with　me；　and　to　lead　an　entirely
separate　life　from　me　under　this　phrase；　for　you　knew　very　well　that
my　pride　never　would　permit　me　to　invite　you　here　against　your
will。〃

〃Oh；　is　it　possible　that　I　should　have　been　misunderstood　in　this
manner？〃　sighed　the　baron；　but　in　so　low　a　voice　that　Fanny　did　not
hear　him。

〃You　further　told　me；〃　she　continued；　eagerly；　〃that　I　should　only
bear　the　name　of　your　wife　before　the　world；　but　not　in　this　room
where　I　was　always　to　be　Fanny　Itzig。　You　were　kind　enough　to　give
to　this　moral　divorce；　which　you　pronounced　in　this　manner；　the
semblance　as　though　YOU　were　the　losing　party；　and　as　though　you
were　only　actuated　by　motives　of　delicacy　toward　me。　I　understood　it
all；　however；　and　when　you　left　this　room　after　that　conversation；
sir；　I　sank　down　on　my　knees　and　implored　God　that　He　might　remain
with　me　in　this　loneliness　to　which　you　had　doomed　me；　and　I
implored　my　pride　to　sustain　and　support　me；　and　I　swore　to　my
maidenly　honor　that　I　would　preserve　it　unsullied　and　sacred　to　my
end。〃

〃Oh；　good　Heaven！〃　groaned　the　baron；　tottering　backward　like　a　man
suddenly　seized　with　vertigo。

Fanny；　in　her　own　glowing　excitement；　did　not　notice　it。

〃And　thus　I　commenced　my　new　life；〃　she　said；　〃a　life　of　splendor
and　magnificence；　it　was　glittering　without；　but　dreary　within；　and
in　the　midst　of　our　most　brilliant　circles　I　constantly　felt　lonely；
surrounded　by　hundreds　who　called　themselves　friends　of　our　house；　I
was　always　aloneI；　the　wife　of　your　reception…room；　the　disowned
of　my　boudoir！　Oh；　it　is　true　I　have　obtained　many　triumphs；　I　have
seen　this　haughty　world；　that　only　received　me　hesitatingly；　at　last
bow　to　me；　the　Jewess　has　become　the　centre　of　society；　and　no　one
on　entering　our　house　believes　any　longer　that　he　is　conferring　a
favor　upon　us；　but；　on　the　contrary；　receiving　one　from　us。　It　is
the　TON　now　to　visit　our　house；　we　are　being　overwhelmed　with
invitations；　with　flattering　attentions。　But　tell　me；　sir；　is　all
this　a　compensation　for　the　happiness　which　we　are　lacking　and　which
we　never　will　obtain？　Oh；　is　it　not　sad　to　think　that　both　of　us；　so
young；　so　capable　of　enjoying　happiness；　should　already　be　doomed　to
eternal　resignation　and　eternal　loneliness？　Is　it　not　horrible　to
see　us；　and　ought　not　God　Himself　to　pity　us；　if　from　the　splendor
of　His　starry　heavens　He　should　look　down　for　a　moment　into　our
gloomy　breasts？　I　bear　in　it　a　cold；　frozen　heart；　and　you　a　coffin。
Oh；　sir；　do　not　laugh　at　me　because　you　see　tears　in　my　eyesit　is
only　Fanny　Itzig　who　is　weeping；　Baroness　von　Arnstein　will　receive
your　guests　to…night　in　your　saloons　with　a　smiling　face；　and　no　one
will　believe　that　her　eyes　also　know　how　to　weep。　But　here；　here　in
my　widow…room；　here　in　my　nun's　cell；　I　may　be　permitted　to　weep
over　you　and　me；　who　have　been　chained　together　with　infrangible
fetters；　of　which　both　of　us　feel　the　burden　and　oppression　with
equal　bitterness　and　wrath。　May　God　forgive　our　parents　for　having
sacrificed　our　hearts　on　the　altar　of　THEIR　God；　who　is　Mammon；　_I_
shall　ever　hate　them　for　it；　I　shall　never　forgive　them；　for　they
who　knew　life　must　have　known　that　there　is　nothing　more　unhappy；
more　miserable；　and　more　deplorable　than　a　wife　who　does　not　love
her　husband；　is　not　beloved　by　him。〃

〃Is　not　beloved　by　him！〃　repeated　the　baron；　approaching　his　wife
who；　like　a　broken　reed；　had　sunk　down　on　a　chair；　and　seizing　her
hand；　he　said：　〃You　say　that　I　do　not　love　you；　Fanny！　Do　you　know
my　heart；　then？　Have　you　deemed　it　worth　while　only　a　single　time　to
fix　your　proud　eyes　on　my　poor　heart？　Did　you　ever　show　me　a　symptom
of　sympathy　when　I　was　sick；　a　trace　of　compassion　when　you　saw　me
suffering？　But　no；　you　did　not　even　see　that　I　was　suffering；　or
that　I　was　sad。　Your　proud；　cold　glance　always　glided　past　me；　it
saw　me　rarely；　it　never　sought　me！　What　can　you　know；　then；　about　my
heart；　and　what　would　you　care　if　I　should　tell　you　now　that　there
is　no　longer　a　coffin　in　it；　that　it　has　awoke　to　a　new　life；　and〃

〃Baron