the expedition of humphry clinker-第15部分

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with　chaff；　and　flatly　rejected　the　proposal：　so　that　Mrs　Tabitha
was　content　to　exert　her　patience　once　more；　after　having
endeavoured　in　vain　to　effect　a　rupture　betwixt　the　two　friends；
and　now　she　thinks　proper　to　be　very　civil　to　Lewis；　who　is
become　necessary　to　her　in　the　way　of　his　profession。

These；　however；　are　not　the　only　efforts　she　has　made　towards　a
nearer　conjunction　with　our　sex。　Her　fortune　was　originally　no
more　than　a　thousand　pounds；　but　she　gained　an　accession　of　five
hundred　by　the　death　of　a　sister；　and　the　lieutenant　left　her
three　hundred　in　his　will。　These　sums　she　has　more　than　doubled；
by　living　free　of　all　expence；　in　her　brother's　house；　and
dealing　in　cheese　and　Welsh　flannel；　the　produce　of　his　flocks
and　dairy。　At　present　her　capital　is　increased　to　about　four
thousand　pounds；　and　her　avarice　seems　to　grow　every　day　more　and
more　rapacious：　but　even　this　is　not　so　intolerable　as　the
perverseness　of　her　nature；　which　keeps　the　whole　family　in
disquiet　and　uproar。　She　is　one　of　those　geniuses　who　find　some
diabolical　enjoyment　in　being　dreaded　and　detested　by　their
fellow…creatures。

I　once　told　my　uncle；　I　was　surprised　that　a　man　of　his
disposition　could　bear　such　a　domestic　plague；　when　it　could　be
so　easily　removed。　The　remark　made　him　sore；　because　it　seemed　to
tax　him　with　want　of　resolution　　Wrinkling　up　his　nose；　and
drawing　down　his　eye…brows；　'A　young　fellow　（said　he）　when　he
first　thrusts　his　snout　into　the　world；　is　apt　to　be　surprised　at
many　things　which　a　man　of　experience　knows　to　be　ordinary　and
unavoidable　　This　precious　aunt　of　yours　is　become　insensibly　a
part　of　my　constitution　　Damn　her！　She's　a　noli　me　tangere　in　my
flesh；　which　I　cannot　bear　to　be　touched　or　tampered　with。'　I　made　no
reply；　but　shifted　the　conversation。　He　really　has　an　affection
for　this　original；　which　maintains　its　ground　in　defiance　of
common　sense；　and　in　despite　of　that　contempt　which　he　must
certainly　feel　for　her　character　and　understanding。　Nay；　I　am
convinced；　that　she　has　likewise　a　most　virulent　attachment　to
his　person；　though　her　love　never　shews　itself　but　in　the　shape
of　discontent；　and　she　persists　in　tormenting　him　out　of　pure
tenderness　　The　only　object　within　doors　upon　which　she　bestows
any　marks　of　affection；　in　the　usual　stile；　is　her　dog　Chowder；　a
filthy　cur　from　Newfoundland；　which　she　had　in　a　present　from　the
wife　of　a　skipper　in　Swansey。　One　would　imagine　she　had
distinguished　this　beast　with　her　favour　on　account　of　his
ugliness　and　ill…nature；　if　it　was　not；　indeed；　an　instinctive
sympathy；　between　his　disposition　and　her　own。　Certain　it　is；　she
caresses　him　without　ceasing；　and　even　harasses　the　family　in　the
service　of　this　cursed　animal；　which；　indeed；　has　proved　the
proximate　cause　of　her　breach　with　Sir　Ulic　Mackilligut。

You　must　know；　she　yesterday　wanted　to　steal　a　march　of　poor
Liddy；　and　went　to　breakfast　in　the　Room　without　any　other
companion　than　her　dog；　in　expectation　of　meeting　with　the
Baronet；　who　had　agreed　to　dance　with　her　in　the　evening　　Chowder
no　sooner　made　his　appearance　in　the　Room；　than　the　Master　of　the
Ceremonies；　incensed　at　his　presumption；　ran　up　to　drive　him
away；　and　threatened　him　with　his　foot；　but　the　other　seemed　to
despise　his　authority；　and　displaying　a　formidable　case　of　long；
white；　sharp　teeth；　kept　the　puny　monarch　at　bay　　While　he　stood
under　some　trepidation；　fronting　his　antagonist；　and　bawling　to
the　waiter；　Sir　Ulic　Mackilligut　came　to　his　assistance；　and
seeming　ignorant　of　the　connexion　between　this　intruder　and　his
mistress；　gave　the　former　such　a　kick　in　the　jaws；　as　sent　him
howling　to　the　door　　Mrs　Tabitha；　incensed　at　this　outrage；　ran
after　him；　squalling　in　a　tone　equally　disagreeable；　while　the
Baronet　followed　her　on　one　side；　making　apologies　for　his
mistake；　and　Derrick　on　the　other；　making　remonstrances　upon　the
rules　and　regulations　of　the　place。

Far　from　being　satisfied　with　the　Knight's　excuses；　she　said　she
was　sure　he　was　no　gentleman；　and　when　the　Master　of　the
Ceremonies　offered　to　hand　her　into　the　chair；　she　rapped　him
over　the　knuckles　with　her　fan。　My　uncle's　footman　being　still　at
the　door；　she　and　Chowder　got　into　the　same　vehicle；　and　were
carried　off　amidst　the　jokes　of　the　chairmen　and　other　populace　
I　had　been　riding　out　on　Clerkendown；　and　happened　to　enter　just
as　the　fracas　was　over　　The　Baronet；　coming　up　to　me　with　an
affected　air　of　chagrin；　recounted　the　adventure；　at　which　I
laughed　heartily；　and　then　his　countenance　cleared　up。　'My　dear
soul　（said　he）　when　I　saw　a　sort　of　a　wild　baist；　snarling　with
open　mouth　at　the　Master　of　the　Ceremonies；　like　the　red　cow
going　to　devour　Tom　Thumb；　I　could　do　no　less　than　go　to　the
assistance　of　the　little　man；　but　I　never　dreamt　the　baist　was
one　of　Mrs　Bramble's　attendants　　O！　if　I　had；　he　might　have　made
his　breakfast　upon　Derrick　and　welcome　　But　you　know；　my　dear
friend；　how　natural　it　is　for　us　Irishmen　to　blunder；　and　to　take
the　wrong　sow　by　the　ear　　However；　I　will　confess　judgment；　and
cry　her　mercy；　and　it　is　to　be　hoped；　a　penitent　sinner　may　be
forgiven。'　I　told　him；　that　as　the　offence　was　not　voluntary　of
his　side；　it　was　to　be　hoped　he　would　not　find　her　implacable。

But；　in　truth；　all　this　concern　was　dissembled。　In　his　approaches
of　gallantry　to　Mrs　Tabitha；　he　had　been　misled　by　a　mistake　of
at　least　six　thousand　pounds；　in　the　calculation　of　her　fortune；
and　in　this　particular　he　was　just　undeceived。　He；　therefore；
seized　the　first　opportunity　of　incurring　her　displeasure
decently；　in　such　a　manner　as　would　certainly　annihilate　the
correspondence；　and　he　could　not　have　taken　a　more　effectual
method；　than　that　of　beating　her　dog。　When　he　presented　himself
at　our　door；　to　pay　his　respects　to　the　offended　fair；　he　was
refused　admittance；　and　given　to　understand　that　he　should　never
find　her　at　home　for　the　future。　She　was　not　so　inaccessible　to
Derrick；　who　came　to　demand　satisfaction　for　the　insult　she　had
offered　to　him；　even　in　the　verge　of　his　own　court。　She　knew　it
was　convenient　to　be　well　with　the　Master　of　the　Ceremonies；
while　she　continued　to　frequent　the　Rooms；　and；　having　heard　he
was　a　poet；　began　to　be　afraid　of　making　her　appearance　in　a
ballad　or　lampoon。　　She　therefore　made　excuses　for　what　she　had
done；　imputing　it　to　the　flutter　of　her　spirits；　and　subscribed
handsomely　for　his　poems：　so　that　he　was　perfectly　appeased；　and
overwhelmed　her　with　a　profusion　of
compliment。　He　even　solicited　a　reconciliation　with　Chowder；
which；　however；　the　latter　declined；　and　he　declared；　that　if　he
could　find　a　precedent　in　the　annals　of　the　Bath；　which　he　would
carefully　examine　for　that　purpose；　her　favourite　should　be
admitted　to　the　next　public　breakfasting　　But；　I；　believe；　she
will　not　expose　herself　or　him　to　the　risque　of　a　second
disgrace　　Who　will　supply　the　place　of　Mackilligut　in　her
affections；　I　cannot　foresee；　but　nothing　in　the　shape　of　man　can
come　amiss。　Though　she　is　a　violent　church…woman；　of　the　most
intolerant　zeal；　I　believe　in　my　conscience　she　would　have　no
objection；　at　present；　to　treat　on　the　score　of　matrimony　with　an
Anabaptist；　Quaker；　or　Jew；　and　even　ratify　the　treaty　at　the
expense　of　her　own　conversion。　But；　perhaps；　I　think　too　hardly
of　this　kinswoman；　who；　I　must　own；　is　very　little　beholden　to
the　good　opinion　of

Yours；
J。　MELFORD
BATH；　May　6。



To　Dr　LEWIS。

You　ask　me；　why　I　don't　take　the　air　a…horseback；　during　this
fine　weather？　　In　which　of　the　avenues　of　this　paradise　would　you
have　me　take　that　exercise？　Shall　I　commit　myself　to　the　high…roads
of　London　or　Bristol；　to　be　stifled　with　dust；　or　pressed
to　death　in　the　midst　of　post…chaises；　flying…machines；　waggons；
and　coal…horses；　besides　the　troops　of　fine　gentlemen　that　take
to　the　highway；　to　shew　their　horsemanship；　and　the　coaches　of
fine　ladies；　who　go　thither　to　shew　their　equipages？　Shall　I
attempt　the　Downs；　and　fatigue　myself　to　death　in　climbing　up　an
eternal　ascent；　without　any　hopes　of　reaching　the　summit？　Know
then；　I　have　made　divers　desperate　leaps　at　those　upper　regions；
but　always　fell　backward　into　this　vapour…pit；　exhausted　and
dispirited　by　those　ineffectual　efforts；　and　here　we　poor
valetudinarians　pant　and　struggle；　like　so　many　Chinese　gudgeons；
gasping　in　the　bottom　of　a　punch…bowl。　By　Heaven　it　is　a　kind　of
enchantment！　If　I　do　not　speedily　break　the　spell；　and　escape；　I
may　chance　to　give　up　the　ghost　in　this　nauseous　stew　of
corruption　　It　was　but　two　nights　ago；　that　I　had　like　to　have
made　my　public　exit；　at　a　minute's　warning。　One　of　my　greatest
weaknesses　is　that　of　suffering　myself　to　be　over…ruled　by　the
opinion　of　people；　whose　judgment　I　despise　　I　own；　with　shame
and　confusion　of　face；　that　importunity　of　any　kind　I　cannot
resist。　This　want　of　courage　and　constancy　is　an　original　flaw　in
my　nature；　which　you　must　have　often　observed　with　compassion；　if
not　with　contempt。　I　am　afraid　some　of　our　boasted　virtues　maybe
traced　up　to　this　defect。

Without　further　preamble；　I　was　persuaded　to　go　to　a　ball；　on
purpose　to　see　Liddy　dance　a　minuet　with　a　young　petulant
jackanapes；　the　only　son　of　a　wealthy　undertaker　from　London；
whose　mother　lodges　in　our　neighbourhood；　and　has　contracted　an
acquaintance　with　Tabby。　I　sat　a　couple　of　long　hours；　half
stifled；　in　the　midst　of　a　noisome　crowd；　and　could　not　help
wondering　that　so　many　hundreds　of　those　that　rank　as　rational
creatures；　could　find　entertainment　in　seeing　a　succession　of
insipid　animals；　describing　the　same　dull　figure　for　a　whole
evening；　on　an　area；　not　much　bigger　than　a　taylor's　shop…board。
If　there　had　been　any　beauty；　grace；　activity；　magnificent　dress；
or　variety　of　any　kind　howsoever　absurd；　to　engage　the　attention；
and　amuse　the　fancy；　I　should　not　have　been　surprised；　but　there
was　no　such　object：　it　was　a　tiresome　repetition　of　the　same
languid；　frivolous　scene；　performed　by　actors　that　seemed　to
sleep　in　all　their　motions。　The　continual　swimming　of　these
phantoms　before　my　eyes；　gave　me　a　swimming　of　the　head；　which
was　also　affected　by　the　fouled　air；　circulating　thro