the expedition of humphry clinker-第29部分
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from my sleep； at the horrid noise of the watchmen bawling the
hour through every street； and thundering at every door； a set of
useless fellows； who serve no other purpose but that of
disturbing the repose of the inhabitants； and by five o'clock I
start out of bed； in consequence of the still more dreadful alarm
made by the country carts； and noisy rustics bellowing green
pease under my window。 If I would drink water； I must quaff the
maukish contents of an open aqueduct； exposed to all manner of
defilement； or swallow that which comes from the river Thames；
impregnated with all the filth of London and Westminster Human
excrement is the least offensive part of the concrete； which is
composed of all the drugs； minerals； and poisons； used in
mechanics and manufacture； enriched with the putrefying carcasses
of beasts and men； and mixed with the scourings of all the wash…tubs；
kennels； and common sewers； within the bills of mortality。
This is the agreeable potation； extolled by the Londoners； as the
finest water in the universe As to the intoxicating potion； sold
for wine； it is a vile； unpalatable； and pernicious
sophistication； balderdashed with cyder； corn…spirit； and the
juice of sloes。 In an action at law； laid against a carman for
having staved a cask of port； it appeared from the evidence of
the cooper； that there were not above five gallons of real wine
in the whole pipe； which held above a hundred； and even that had
been brewed and adulterated by the merchant at Oporto。 The bread
I cat in London； is a deleterious paste； mixed up with chalk；
alum； and bone…ashes； insipid to the taste； and destructive to
the constitution。 The good people are not ignorant of this
adulteration but they prefer it to wholesome bread； because it
is whiter than the meal of corn： thus they sacrifice their taste
and their health； and the lives of their tender infants； to a
most absurd gratification of a mis…judging eye； and the miller；
or the baker； is obliged to poison them and their families； in
order to live by his profession。 The same monstrous depravity
appears in their veal； which is bleached by repeated bleedings；
and other villainous arts； till there is not a drop of juice left
in the body； and the poor animal is paralytic before it dies； so
void of all taste； nourishment； and savour； that a man might dine
as comfortably on a white fricassee of kid…skin gloves； or chip
hats from Leghorn。
As they have discharged the natural colour from their bread；
their butchers…meat； and poultry； their cutlets； ragouts；
fricassees and sauces of all kinds； so they insist upon having
the complexion of their potherbs mended； even at the hazard of
their lives。 Perhaps； you will hardly believe they can be so mad
as to boil their greens with brass halfpence； in order to improve
their colour； and yet nothing is more true Indeed； without this
improvement in the colour； they have no personal merit。 They are
produced in an artificial soil； and taste of nothing but the
dunghills； from whence they spring。 My cabbage； cauliflower； and
'sparagus in the country； are as much superior in flavour to
those that are sold in Covent…garden； as my heath…mutton is to
that of St James's…market； which in fact； is neither lamb nor
mutton； but something betwixt the two； gorged in the rank fens of
Lincoln and Essex； pale； coarse； and frowzy As for the pork； it
is an abominable carnivorous animal； fed with horse…flesh and
distillers' grains； and the poultry is all rotten； in consequence
of a fever； occasioned by the infamous practice of sewing up the
gut； that they may be the sooner fattened in coops； in
consequence of this cruel retention。
Of the fish； I need say nothing in this hot weather； but that it
comes sixty； seventy； fourscore； and a hundred miles by land…carriage；
a circumstance sufficient without any comment； to turn
a Dutchman's stomach； even if his nose was not saluted in every
alley with the sweet flavour of fresh mackarel； selling by retail。
This is not the season for oysters； nevertheless； it may not be
amiss to mention； that the right Colchester are kept in slime…pits；
occasionally overflowed by the sea； and that the green
colour； so much admired by the voluptuaries of this metropolis；
is occasioned by the vitriolic scum； which rises on the surface
of the stagnant and stinking water Our rabbits are bred and fed
in the poulterer's cellar； where they have neither air nor
exercise； consequently they must be firm in flesh； and delicious
in flavour； and there is no game to be had for love or money。
It must be owned； the Covent…garden affords some good fruit；
which； however； is always engrossed by a few individuals of
overgrown fortune； at an exorbitant price； so that little else
than the refuse of the market falls to the share of the
community； and that is distributed by such filthy hands； as I
cannot look at without loathing。 It was but yesterday that I saw
a dirty barrow…bunter in the street； cleaning her dusty fruit
with her own spittle； and； who knows but some fine lady of St
James's parish might admit into her delicate mouth those very
cherries； which had been rolled and moistened between the filthy；
and； perhaps； ulcerated chops of a St Giles's huckster I need
not dwell upon the pallid； contaminated mash； which they call
strawberries； soiled and tossed by greasy paws through twenty
baskets crusted with dirt； and then presented with the worst
milk； thickened with the worst flour； into a bad likeness of
cream： but the milk itself should not pass unanalysed； the
produce of faded cabbage…leaves and sour draff； lowered with hot
water； frothed with bruised snails； carried through the streets
in open pails； exposed to foul rinsings； discharged from doors
and windows； spittle； snot； and tobacco…quids from foot
passengers； overflowings from mud carts； spatterings from coach
wheels； dirt and trash chucked into it by roguish boys for the
joke's sake； the spewings of infants； who have slabbered in the
tin…measure； which is thrown back in that condition among the
milk； for the benefit of the next customer； and； finally； the
vermin that drops from the rags of the nasty drab that vends this
precious mixture； under the respectable denomination of milk…maid。
I shall conclude this catalogue of London dainties； with that
table…beer； guiltless of hops and malt； vapid and nauseous； much
fitter to facilitate the operation of a vomit； than to quench
thirst and promote digestion； the tallowy rancid mass； called
butter； manufactured with candle grease and kitchen stuff； and
their fresh eggs； imported from France and Scotland。 Now； all
these enormities might be remedied with a very little attention
to the article of police； or civil regulation； but the wise
patriots of London have taken it into their heads； that all
regulation is inconsistent with liberty； and that every man ought
to live in his own way； without restraint Nay； as there is not
sense enough left among them； to be discomposed by the nuisance I
have mentioned； they may； for aught I care； wallow in the mire of
their own pollution。
A companionable man will； undoubtedly put up with many
inconveniences for the sake of enjoying agreeable society。 A
facetious friend of mine used to say； the wine could not be bad；
where the company was agreeable； a maxim which； however； ought to
be taken cum grano salis： but what is the society of London； that
I should be tempted； for its sake； to mortify my senses； and
compound with such uncleanness as my soul abhors？ All the people
I see； are too much engrossed by schemes of interest or ambition；
to have any room left for sentiment or friendship。 Even in some of
my old acquaintance； those schemes and pursuits have obliterated
all traces of our former connexion Conversation is reduced to
party disputes； and illiberal altercation Social commerce； to
formal visits and card…playing If you pick up a diverting
original by accident； it may be dangerous to amuse yourself with
his oddities He is generally a tartar at bottom； a sharper； a
spy； or a lunatic。 Every person you deal with endeavours to
overreach you in the way of business； you are preyed upon by idle
mendicants； who beg in the phrase of borrowing； and live upon the
spoils of the stranger Your tradesmen are without conscience；
your friends without affection； and your dependents without
fidelity。
My letter would swell into a treatise； were I to particularize
every cause of offence that fills up the measure of my aversion
to this； and every other crowded city Thank Heaven！ I am not so
far sucked into the vortex； but that I can disengage myself
without any great effort of philosophy From this wild uproar of
knavery； folly； and impertinence； I shall fly with double relish
to the serenity of retirement； the cordial effusions of
unreserved friendship； the hospitality and protection of the
rural gods； in a word； the jucunda oblivia Vitae； which Horace
himself had not taste enough to enjoy。
I have agreed for a good travelling…coach and four； at a guinea a
day； for three months certain； and next week we intend to begin
our journey to the North； hoping still to be with you by the
latter end of October I shall continue to write from every stage
where we make any considerable halt； as often as anything occurs；
which I think can afford you the least amusement。 In the mean
time； I must beg you will superintend the oeconomy of Barns； with
respect to my hay and corn harvests； assured that my ground
produces nothing but what you may freely call your own On any
other terms I should be ashamed to subscribe myself
Your unvariable friend；
MATT。 BRAMBLE
LONDON； June 8。
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS； Bart。 of Jesus college； Oxon。
DEAR PHILLIPS；
In my last； I mentioned my having spent an evening with a society
of authors； who seemed to be jealous and afraid of one another。
My uncle was not at all surprised to hear me say I was
disappointed in their conversation。 'A man may be very
entertaining and instructive upon paper （said he）； and
exceedingly dull in common discourse。 I have observed； that those
who shine most in private company； are but secondary stars in the
constellation of ge
