cabin fever-第14部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


ng　the　short；　quick　breaths　of　emotion　focussed　upon　one　object；　excluding　all　else。　Once；　when　Frank　moved　his　body　a　little　in　the　next　seat；　Bud's　hand　went　out　that　way　involuntarily。　The　touch　of　Frank's　rough　coat　sleeve　recalled　him　brutally；　so　that　he　drew　away　with　a　wincing　movement　as　though　he　bad　been　hurt。

All　those　months　in　the　desert；　all　those　months　of　the　slow　journeying　northward；　all　the　fought　battles　with　memory；　when　he　thought　that　he　had　wonall　gone　for　nothing；　their　slow　anodyne　serving　but　to　sharpen　now　the　bite　of　merciless　remembering。　His　hand　shook　upon　his　knee。　Small　beads　of　moisture　oozed　out　upon　his　forehead。　He　sat　stunned　before　the　amazing　revelation　of　how　little　time　and　distance　had　done　to　heal　his　hurt。

He　wanted　Marie。　He　wanted　her　more　than　he　had　ever　wanted　her　in　the　old　days；　with　a　tenderness；　an　impulse　to　shield　her　from　her　own　weaknesses；　her　own　mistakes。　Thenin　those　old　days　there　had　been　the　glamor　of　mystery　that　is　called　romance。　That　was　gone；　worn　away　by　the　close　intimacies　of　matrimony。　He　knew　her　faults；　he　knew　how　she　looked　when　she　was　angry　and　petulant。　He　knew　how　little　the　real　Marie　resembled　the　speciously　amiable；　altogether　attractive　Marie　who　faced　a　smiling　world　when　she　went　pleasuring。　He　knew；　buthe　wanted　her　just　the　same。　He　wanted　to　tell　her　so　many　things　about　the　burros；　and　about　the　desertthings　that　would　make　her　laugh；　and　things　that　would　make　her　blink　back　the　tears。　He　was　homesick　for　her　as　he　had　never　been　homesick　in　his　life　before。　The　picture　flickered　on　through　scene　after　scene　that　Bud　did　not　see　at　all；　though　he　was　staring　unwinkingly　at　the　screen　all　the　while。　The　love　scenes　at　the　last　were　poignantly　real；　but　they　passed　before　his　eyes　unnoticed。　Bud's　mind　was　dwelling　upon　certain　love　scenes　of　his　own。　He　was　feeling　Marie's　presence　beside　him　there　in　the　dusk。

〃Poor　kidshe　wasn't　so　much　to　blame；〃　he　muttered　just　above　his　breath；　when　the　screen　was　swept　clean　and　blank　at　the　end　of　the　last　reel。

〃Huh？　Oh；　he　was　the　big　mutt；　right　from　the　start；〃　Frank　replied　with　the　assured　air　of　a　connoisseur。　〃He　didn't　have　the　brains　of　a　bluejay；　or　he'd　have　known　all　the　time　she　was　strong　for　him。〃

〃I　guess　that's　right；〃　Bud　mumbled；　but　he　did　not　mean　what　Frank　thought　he　meant。　〃Let's　go。　I　want　a　drink。〃

Frank　was　willing　enough；　too　willing；　if　the　truth　were　known。　They　went　out　into　the　cool　starlight；　and　hurried　across　the　side　street　that　was　no　more　than　a　dusty　roadway；　to　the　saloon　where　they　had　spent　the　afternoon。　Bud　called　for　whisky；　and　helped　himself　twice　from　the　bottle　which　the　bartender　placed　between　them。　He　did　not　speak　until　the　second　glass　was　emptied；　and　then　he　turned　to　Frank　with　a　purple　glare　in　his　eyes。

〃Let's　have　a　game　of　pool　or　something；〃　he　suggested。

〃There's　a　good　poker　game　going；　back　there；〃　vouchsafed　the　bartender；　turning　his　thumb　toward　the　rear；　where　half　a　dozen　men　were　gathered　in　a　close　group　around　a　table。　〃There's　some　real　money　in　sight；　to…night。〃

〃All　right；　let's　go　see。〃　Bud　turned　that　way；　Frank　following　like　a　pet　dog　at　his　heels。

At　dawn　the　next　morning；　Bud　got　up　stiffly　from　the　chair　where　he　had　spent　the　night。　His　eyeballs　showed　a　network　of　tiny　red　veins；　swollen　with　the　surge　of　alcohol　in　his　blood　and　with　the　strain　of　staring　all　night　at　the　cards。　Beneath　his　eyes　were　puffy　ridges。　His　cheekbones　flamed　with　the　whisky　flush。　He　cashed　in　a　double…handful　of　chips；　stuffed　the　money　he　had　won　into　his　coat　pocket；　walked；　with　that　stiff　precision　of　gait　by　which　a　drunken　man　strives　to　hide　his　drunkenness；　to　the　bar　and　had　another　drink。　Frank　was　at　his　elbow。　Frank　was　staggering；　garrulous；　laughing　a　great　deal　over　very　small　jokes。

〃I'm　going　to　bed；〃　said　Bud；　his　tongue　forming　the　words　with　a　slow　carefulness。

〃Come　over　to　my　shack；　Budrotten　hotel。　My　bed's　clean；　anyway。〃　Frank　laughed　and　plucked　him　by　the　sleeve。

〃All　right；〃　Bud　consented　gravely。　〃We'll　take　a　bottle　along。〃



CHAPTER　TEN。　EMOTIONS　ARE　TRICKY　THINGS

A　man's　mind　is　a　tricky　thingor；　speaking　more　exactly；　a　man's　emotions　are　tricky　things。　Love　has　come　rushing　to　the　beck　of　a　tip…tilted　chin；　or　the　tone　of　a　voice；　or　the　droop　of　an　eyelid。　It　has　fled　for　cause　as　slight。　Sometimes　it　runs　before　resentment　for　a　real　or　fancied　wrong；　but　then；　if　you　have　observed　it　closely；　you　will　see　that　quite　frequently；　when　anger　grows　slow　of　foot；　or　dies　of　slow　starvation；　love　steals　back；　all　unsuspected　and　unbiddenand　mayhap　causes　much　distress　by　his　return。　It　is　like　a　sudden　resurrection　of　all　the　loved；　long…mourned　dead　that　sleep　so　serenely　in　their　tended　plots。　Loved　though　they　were　and　long　mourned；　think　of　the　consternation　if　they　all　came　trooping　back　to　take　their　old　places　in　life！　The　old　places　that　have　been　filled；　most　of　them；　by　others　who　are　loved　as　dearly；　who　would　be　mourned　if　they　were　taken　away。

Psychologists　will　tell　us　all　about　the　subconscious　mind；　the　hidden　loves　and　hates　and　longings　which　we　believe　are　dead　and　long　forgotten。　When　one　of　those　emotions　suddenly　comes　alive　and　stands；　terribly　real　and　intrusive；　between　our　souls　and　our　everyday　lives；　the　strongest　and　the　best　of　us　may　stumble　and　grope　blindly　after　content；　or　reparation；　or　forgetfulness；　or　whatever　seems　most　likely　to　give　relief。

I　am　apologizing　now　for　Bud；　who　had　spent　a　good　many　months　in　pushing　all　thoughts　of　Marie　out　of　his　mind；　all　hunger　for　her　out　of　his　heart。　He　had　kept　away　from　towns；　from　women；　lest　he　be　reminded　too　keenly　of　his　matrimonial　wreck。　He　had　stayed　with　Cash　and　had　hunted　gold；　partly　because　Cash　never　seemed　conscious　of　any　need　of　a　home　or　love　or　wife　or　children；　and　therefore　never　reminded　Bud　of　the　home　and　the　wife　and　the　love　and　the　child　he　had　lost　out　of　his　own　life。　Cash　seldom　mentioned　women　at　all；　and　when　he　did　it　was　in　a　purely　general　way；　as　women　touched　some　other　subject　he　was　discussing。　He　never　paid　any　attention　to　the　children　they　met　casually　in　their　travels。　He　seemed　absolutely　self…sufficient；　interested　only　in　the　prospect　of　finding　a　paying　claim。　What　he　would　do　with　wealth；　if　so　be　he　attained　it；　he　never　seemed　to　know　or　care。　He　never　asked　Bud　any　questions　about　his　private　affairs；　never　seemed　to　care　how　Bud　had　lived；　or　where。　And　Bud　thankfully　left　his　past　behind　the　wall　of　silence。　So　he　had　come　to　believe　that　he　was　almost　as　emotion…　proof　as　Cash　appeared　to　be；　and　had　let　it　go　at　that。

Now　here　be　was；　with　his　heart　and　his　mind　full　of　Marie　after　more　than　a　year　and　a　half　of　forgetting　her！　Getting　drunk　and　playing　poker　all　night　did　not　help　him　at　all；　for　when　he　woke　it　was　from　a　sweet；　intimate　dream　of　her；　and　it　was　to　a　tormenting　desire　for　her；　that　gnawed　at　his　mind　as　hunger　gnaws　at　the　stomach。　Bud　could　not　understand　it。　Nothing　like　that　had　ever　happened　to　him　before。　By　all　his　simple　rules　of　reckoning　he　ought　to　be　〃over　it〃　by　now。　He　had　been；　until　he　saw　that　picture。

He　was　so　very　far　from　being　over　his　trouble　that　he　was　under　it；　a　beaten　dog　wincing　under　the　blows　of　memory；　stung　by　the　lash　of　his　longing。　He　groaned；　and　Frank　thought　it　was　the　usual　〃morning　after〃　headache；　and　laughed　ruefully。

〃Same　here；〃　he　said。　〃I've　got　one　like　a　barrel；　and　I　didn't　punish　half　the　booze　you　did。〃

Bud　did　not　say　anything；　but　he　reached　for　the　bottle；　tilted　it　and　swallowed　three　times　before　he　stopped。

〃Gee！〃　whispered　Frank；　a　little　enviously。

Bud　glanced　somberly　across　at　Frank；　who　was　sitting　by　the　stove　with　his　jaws　between　his　palms　and　his　hair　toweled；　regarding　his　guest　speculatively。

〃I'm　going　to　get　drunk　again；〃　Bud　announced　bluntly。　〃If　you　don't　want　to；　you'd　better　duck。　You're　too　easy　ledI　saw　that　last　night。　You　follow　anybody's　lead　that　you　happen　to　be　with。　If　you　follow　my　lead　to…day；　you'll　be　petrified　by　night。　You　better　git；　and　let　me　go　it　alone。〃

Frank　laughed　uneasily。　〃Aw；　I　guess　you　ain't　all　that　fatal；　Bud。　Let's　go　over　and　have　some　breakfastonly　it'll　be　dinner。〃

〃You　go；　if　you　want　to。〃　Bud　tilted　the　bottle　again；　his　eyes　half　closed　while　he　swallowed。　When　he　had　finished；　he　shuddered　violently　at　the　taste　of　the　whisky。　He　got　up；　went　to　the　water　bucket　and　drank　half　a　dipper　of　water。　〃Good　glory！　I　hate　whisky；〃　he　grumbled。　〃Takes　a　barrel　to　have　any　effect　on　me　too。〃　He　turned　and　looked　down　at　Frank　with　a　morose　kind　of　pity。　〃You　go　on　and　get　your　breakfast；　kid。　I　don't　want　any。　I'll　stay　here　for　awhile。〃

He　sat　down　on　the　side　of　the　cheap；　iron　bedstead；　and　emptied　his　pockets　on　the　top　quilt。　He　straightened　the　crumpled　bills　and　counted　them；　and　sorted　the　silver　pieces。　All　told；　he　had　sixty…three　dollars　and　twenty　cents。　He　sat　fingering　the　money　absently；　his　mind　upon　other　things。　Upon　Marie　and　the　baby；　to　be　exact。　He　was　fighting　the　impulse　to　send　Marie　the　money。　She　might　need　it　for　the　kid。　If　he　was　sure　her　mother　wouldn't　get　any　of　it。。。　A　year　and　a　half　was　quite　a　while；　and　fifteen　hundred　dollars　wasn't　much　to　live　on　these　days。　She　couldn't　work；　with　the　baby　on　her　hands。。。

Frank　watched　him　curiously；　his　jaws　still　resting　between　his　two　palms；　his　eyes　red…rimmed　and　swollen；　his　lips　loose　and　trembling。　A　dollar　alarm　clock　ticked　resonantly；　punctuated　now　and　then　by　the　dull　clink　of　silver　as　Bud　lifted　a　coin　and　let　it　drop　on　the　little　pile。

〃Pretty　good　luck　you　had　last　night；〃　Frank　ventured　wishfully。　〃They　cleaned　me。〃

Bud　straightened　his　drooping　shoulders　and　scooped　the　money　into　his　hand。　He　laughed　recklessly；　and　got　up。　〃We'll　try　her　another　whirl；　and　see　if　luck'll　bring　luck。　Come　onlet's　go　hunt　up　some　of　them　marks　that　got　all　the　dough　last　night。　We'll　split；　fifty…fifty；　and　the　same　with　what　we　win。　Huh？〃

〃You're　on；　bolet's　go。〃　Bud　had　gauged　him　correctly　Frank　would　follow　any　one　who　would　lead。　He　got　up　and　came　to　the　table　where　Bud　was　dividin