roundabout papers-第22部分

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pounds　of　sugar　consumed　during　the　illness〃Often　'ad　sugar　and　water；　always　was　a　callin'　for　it；〃　says　John；　wagging　his　head　quite　gravely。　　You　are　dead；　years　and　years　ago；　poor　Johnso　patient；　so　friendly；　so　kind；　so　cheerful　to　the　invalid　in　the　fever。　　But　confess；　now；　wherever　you　are；　that　seventeen　pounds　of　sugar　to　make　six　glasses　of　eau　sucree　was　a　LITTLE　too　strong；　wasn't　it；　John？　　Ah；　how　frankly；　how　trustily；　how　bravely　he　lied；　poor　John！　　One　evening；　being　at　Brighton；　in　the　convalescence；　I　remember　John's　step　was　unsteady；　his　voice　thick；　his　laugh　queerand　having　some　quinine　to　give　me；　John　brought　the　glass　to　menot　to　my　mouth；　but　struck　me　with　it　pretty　smartly　in　the　eye；　which　was　not　the　way　in　which　Dr。　Elliotson　had　intended　his　prescription　should　be　taken。　Turning　that　eye　upon　him；　I　ventured　to　hint　that　my　attendant　had　been　drinking。　　Drinking！　　I　never　was　more　humiliated　at　the　thought　of　my　own　injustice　than　at　John's　reply。　　〃Drinking！　　Sulp　me！　　I　have　had　only　one　pint　of　beer　with　my　dinner　at　one　o'clock！〃and　he　retreats；　holding　on　by　a　chair。　　These　are　fibs；　you　see；　appertaining　to　the　situation。　　John　is　drunk。　　〃SULP　him；　he　has　only　had　an　'alf…pint　of　beer　with　his　dinner　six　hours　ago；〃　and　none　of　his　fellow…servants　will　say　other　wise。　　Polly　is　smuggled　on　board　ship。　　Who　tells　the　lieutenant　when　he　comes　his　rounds？　　Boys　are　playing　cards　in　the　bedroom。　　The　outlying　fag　announces　master　comingout　go　candlescards　popped　into　bedboys　sound　asleep。　　Who　had　that　light　in　the　dormitory？　　Law　bless　you！　the　poor　dear　innocents　are　every　one　snoring。　　Every　one　snoring；　and　every　snore　is　a　lie　told　through　the　nose！　　Suppose　one　of　your　boys　or　mine　is　engaged　in　that　awful　crime；　are　we　going　to　break　our　hearts　about　it？　　Come；　come。　　We　pull　a　long　face；　waggle　a　grave　head；　and　chuckle　within　our　waistcoats。　Between　me　and　those　fellow…creatures　of　mine　who　are　sitting　in　the　room　below；　how　strange　and　wonderful　is　the　partition！　　We　meet　at　every　hour　of　the　daylight；　and　are　indebted　to　each　other　for　a　hundred　offices　of　duty　and　comfort　of　life；　and　we　live　together　for　years；　and　don't　know　each　other。　　John's　voice　to　me　is　quite　different　from　John's　voice　when　it　addresses　his　mates　below。　　If　I　met　Hannah　in　the　street　with　a　bonnet　on；　I　doubt　whether　I　should　know　her。　　And　all　these　good　people　with　whom　I　may　live　for　years　and　years；　have　cares；　interests；　dear　friends　and　relatives；　mayhap　schemes；　passions；　longing　hopes；　tragedies　of　their　own；　from　which　a　carpet　and　a　few　planks　and　beams　utterly　separate　me。　　When　we　were　at　the　seaside；　and　poor　Ellen　used　to　look　so　pale；　and　run　after　the　postman's　bell；　and　seize　a　letter　in　a　great　scrawling　hand；　and　read　it；　and　cry　in　a　corner；　how　should　we　know　that　the　poor　little　thing's　heart　was　breaking？　　She　fetched　the　water；　and　she　smoothed　the　ribbons；　and　she　laid　out　the　dresses；　and　brought　the　early　cup　of　tea　in　the　morning；　just　as　if　she　had　had　no　cares　to　keep　her　awake。　　Henry　（who　lived　out　of　the　house）　was　the　servant　of　a　friend　of　mine　who　lived　in　chambers。　　There　was　a　dinner　one　day；　and　Harry　waited　all　through　the　dinner。　　The　champagne　was　properly　iced；　the　dinner　was　excellently　served；　every　guest　was　attended　to；　the　dinner　disappeared；　the　dessert　was　set；　the　claret　was　in　perfect　order；　carefully　decanted；　and　more　ready。　　And　then　Henry　said；　〃If　you　please；　sir；　may　I　go　home？〃　He　had　received　word　that　his　house　was　on　fire；　and；　having　seen　through　his　dinner；　he　wished　to　go　and　look　after　his　children；　and　little　sticks　of　furniture。　　Why；　such　a　man's　livery　is　a　uniform　of　honor。　　The　crest　on　his　button　is　a　badge　of　bravery。　Do　you　seeI　imagine　I　do　myselfin　these　little　instances；　a　tinge　of　humor？　　Ellen's　heart　is　breaking　for　handsome　Jeames　of　Buckley　Square；　whose　great　legs　are　kneeling；　and　who　has　given　a　lock　of　his　precious　powdered　head；　to　some　other　than　Ellen。　　Henry　is　preparing　the　sauce　for　his　master's　wild…ducks　while　the　engines　are　squirting　over　his　own　little　nest　and　brood。　　Lift　these　figures　up　but　a　story　from　the　basement　to　the　ground…floor；　and　the　fun　is　gone。　　We　may　be　en　pleine　tragedie。　　Ellen　may　breathe　her　last　sigh　in　blank　verse；　calling　down　blessings　upon　James　the　profligate　who　deserts　her。　　Henry　is　a　hero；　and　epaulettes　are　on　his　shoulders。　　Atqui　sciebat；　&c。；　whatever　tortures　are　in　store　for　him；　he　will　be　at　his　post　of　duty。　You　concede；　however；　that　there　is　a　touch　of　humor　in　the　two　tragedies　here　mentioned。　　Why？　　Is　it　that　the　idea　of　persons　at　service　is　somehow　ludicrous？　　Perhaps　it　is　made　more　so　in　this　country　by　the　splendid　appearance　of　the　liveried　domestics　of　great　people。　　When　you　think　that　we　dress　in　black　ourselves；　and　put　our　fellow…creatures　in　green；　pink；　or　canary…colored　breeches；　that　we　order　them　to　plaster　their　hair　with　flour；　having　brushed　that　nonsense　out　of　our　own　heads　fifty　years　ago；　that　some　of　the　most　genteel　and　stately　among　us　cause　the　men　who　drive　their　carriages　to　put　on　little　Albino　wigs；　and　sit　behind　great　nosegaysI　say　I　suppose　it　is　this　heaping　of　gold　lace；　gaudy　colors；　blooming　plushes；　on　honest　John　Trot；　which　makes　the　man　absurd　in　our　eyes；　who　need　be　nothing　but　a　simple　reputable　citizen　and　in…door　laborer。　　Suppose；　my　dear　sir；　that　you　yourself　were　suddenly　desired　to　put　on　a　full　dress；　or　even　undress；　domestic　uniform　with　our　friend　Jones's　crest　repeated　in　varied　combinations　of　button　on　your　front　and　back？　　Suppose；　madam；　your　son　were　told；　that　he　could　not　get　out　except　in　lower　garments　of　carnation　or　amber…colored　plushwould　you　let　him？　。　。　。　But　as　you　justly　say；　this　is　not　the　question；　and　besides　it　is　a　question　fraught　with　danger；　sir；　and　radicalism；　sir；　and　subversion　of　the　very　foundations　of　the　social　fabric；　sir。　。　。　。　Well；　John；　we　won't　enter　on　your　great　domestic　question。　　Don't　let　us　disport　with　Jeames's　dangerous　strength；　and　the　edge…tools　about　his　knife…board：　but　with　Betty　and　Susan　who　wield　the　playful　mop；　and　set　on　the　simmering　kettle。　　Surely　you　have　heard　Mrs。　Toddles　talking　to　Mrs。　Doddles　about　their　mutual　maids。　　Miss　Susan　must　have　a　silk　gown；　and　Miss　Betty　must　wear　flowers　under　her　bonnet　when　she　goes　to　church　if　you　please；　and　did　you　ever　hear　such　impudence？　　The　servant　in　many　small　establishments　is　a　constant　and　endless　theme　of　talk。　　What　small　wage；　sleep；　meal；　what　endless　scouring；　scolding；　tramping　on　messages　fall　to　that　poor　Susan's　lot；　what　indignation　at　the　little　kindly　passing　word　with　the　grocer's　young　man；　the　pot…boy；　the　chubby　butcher！　　Where　such　things　will　end；　my　dear　Mrs。　　Toddles；　I　don't　know。　　What　wages　they　will　want　next；　my　dear　Mrs。　Doddles；　&c。　Here；　dear　ladies；　is　an　advertisement　which　I　cut　out　of　The　Times　a　few　days　since；　expressly　for　you：

〃A　lady　is　desirous　of　obtaining　a　SITUATION　for　a　very　respectable　young　woman　as　HEAD　KITCHEN…MAID　under　a　man…cook。　　She　has　lived　four　years　under　a　very　good　cook　and　housekeeper。　　Can　make　ice；　and　is　an　excellent　baker。　　She　will　only　take　a　place　in　a　very　good　family；　where　she　can　have　the　opportunity　of　improving　herself；　and；　if　possible；　staying　for　two　years。　　Apply　by　letter　to；〃　&c。　&c。

There；　Mrs。　Toddles；　what　do　you　think　of　that；　and　did　you　ever？　Well；　no；　Mrs。　Doddles。　　Upon　my　word　now；　Mrs。　T。；　I　don't　think　I　ever　did。　　A　respectable　young　womanas　head　kitchen…maidunder　a　man…cook；　will　only　take　a　place　in　a　very　good　family；　where　she　can　improve；　and　stay　two　years。　　Just　note　up　the　conditions；　Mrs。　Toddles；　mum；　if　you　please；　mum；　and　THEN　let　us　see：

1。　　This　young　woman　is　to　be　HEAD　kitchen…maid；　that　is　to　say　there　is　to　be　a　chorus　of　kitchen…maids；　of　which　Y。　W。　is　to　be　chief。　2。　　She　will　only　be　situated　under　a　man…cook。　　（A）　Ought　he　to　be　a　French　cook；　and　（B）；　if　so；　would　the　lady　desire　him　to　be　a　Protestant？　3。　　She　will　only　take　a　place　in　a　VERY　GOOD　FAMILY。　　How　old　ought　the　family　to　be；　and　what　do　you　call　good？　that　is　the　question。　How　long　after　the　Conquest　will　do？　　Would　a　banker's　family　do；　or　is　a　baronet's　good　enough？　　Best　say　what　rank　in　the　peerage　would　be　sufficiently　high。　　But　the　lady　does　not　say　whether　she　would　like　a　High　Church　or　a　Low　Church　family。　　Ought　there　to　be　unmarried　sons；　and　may　they　follow　a　profession？　and　please　say　how　many　daughters；　and　would　the　lady　like　them　to　be　musical？　　And　how　many　company　dinners　a　week？　　Not　too　many；　for　fear　of　fatiguing　the　upper　kitchen…maid；　but　sufficient；　so　as　to　keep　the　upper　kitchen…maid's　hand　in。　　＇N。B。I　think　I　can　see　a　rather　bewildered　expression　on　the　countenances　of　Mesdames　Doddles　and　Toddles　as　I　am　prattling　on　in　this　easy　bantering　way。＇　4。　　The　head　kitchen…maid　wishes　to　stay　for　two　years；　and　improve　herself　under　the　man…cook；　and　having　of　course　sucked　the　brains　（as　the　phrase　is）　from　under　the　chefs　nightcap；　then　the　head　kitchen…maid　wishes　to　go。

And　upon　my　word；　Mrs。　Toddles；　mum；　I　will　go　and　fetch　the　cab　for　her。　　The　cab？　　Why　not　her　ladyship's　own　carriage　and　pair；　and　the　head　coachman　to　drive　away　the　head　kitchen…maid？　　You　see　she　stipulates　for　everythingthe　time　to　come；　the　time　to　stay；　the　family　she　will　be　with；　and　as　soon　as　she　has　improved　herself　enough；　of　course　the　upper　kitchen…maid　will　step　into　the　carriage　and　drive　off。　Well；　upon　my　word　and　conscience；　if　things　are　coming　to　THIS　pass；　Mrs。　Toddles　and　Mrs。　Doddles；　mum；　I　think　I　will　go　up　stairs　and　get　a　basin　and　a　sponge；　and　then　down　stairs　and　get　some　hot　water；　and　then　I　will　go　and　scrub　that　chalk…mark　off　my　own　door　with　my　own　hands。　It　is　wiped　off；　I　declare！　　After　ever　so　many　weeks！　　Who　has　done　it？　　It　was　just　a　little　round…about　mark；　you　know；　and　it　was　there　for　days　and　weeks；　before　I　ever　thought　it　would　be　the　text　of　a　Roundabout　Paper。

ON　BEING　FOUND　OUT。

At　the　close　（let　us　say）　of　Queen　Anne's　reign；　when　I　was　a　boy　at　a　private　and　preparatory　school　for　young　gentlemen；　I　remember　the　wiseacre　of　a　master　ordering　us　all；　one　nigh