roundabout papers-第9部分

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　to　good；　and　said；　〃Didn't　I　tell　you　so？〃　when　he　assaulted　the　Egyptian。　Never　mind　then；　Mr。　S。　Solomon；　I　say；　because　a　critic　pooh…poohs　your　work　of　artyour　Mosesyour　childyour　foundling。　　Why；　did　not　a　wiseacre　in　Blackwood's　Magazine　lately　fall　foul　of　〃Tom　Jones？〃　　O　hypercritic！　　So；　to　be　sure；　did　good　old　Mr。　Richardson；　who　could　write　novels　himselfbut　you；　and　I；　and　Mr。　Gibbon；　my　dear　sir；　agree　in　giving　our　respect；　and　wonder；　and　admiration；　to　the　brave　old　master。　In　these　last　words　I　am　supposing　the　respected　reader　to　be　endowed　with　a　sense　of　humor；　which　he　may　or　may　not　possess；　indeed；　don't　we　know　many　an　honest　man　who　can　no　more　comprehend　a　joke　than　he　can　turn　a　tune。　　But　I　take　for　granted；　my　dear　sir；　that　you　are　brimming　over　with　funyou　mayn't　make　jokes；　but　you　could　if　you　wouldyou　know　you　could：　and　in　your　quiet　way　you　enjoy　them　extremely。　　Now　many　people　neither　make　them；　nor　understand　them　when　made；　nor　like　them　when　understood；　and　are　suspicious；　testy；　and　angry　with　jokers。　　Have　you　ever　watched　an　elderly　male　or　femalean　elderly　〃party；〃　so　to　speak；　who　begins　to　find　out　that　some　young　wag　of　the　company　is　〃chaffing〃　him？　Have　you　ever　tried　the　sarcastic　or　Socratic　method　with　a　child？　Little　simple　he　or　she；　in　the　innocence　of　the　simple　heart；　plays　some　silly　freak；　or　makes　some　absurd　remark；　which　you　turn　to　ridicule。　　The　little　creature　dimly　perceives　that　you　are　making　fun　of　him；　writhes；　blushes；　grows　uneasy；　bursts　into　tears；upon　my　word　it　is　not　fair　to　try　the　weapon　of　ridicule　upon　that　innocent　young　victim。　　The　awful　objurgatory　practice　he　is　accustomed　to。　　Point　out　his　fault；　and　lay　bare　the　dire　consequences　thereof：　expose　it　roundly；　and　give　him　a　proper；　solemn；　moral　whippingbut　do　not　attempt　to　castigare　ridendo。　　Do　not　laugh　at　him　writhing；　and　cause　all　the　other　boys　in　the　school　to　laugh。　　Remember　your　own　young　days　at　school；　my　friend　the　tingling　cheeks；　burning　ears；　bursting　heart；　and　passion　of　desperate　tears；　with　which　you　looked　up；　after　having　performed　some　blunder；　whilst　the　doctor　held　you　to　public　scorn　before　the　class；　and　cracked　his　great　clumsy　jokes　upon　youhelpless；　and　a　prisoner！　　Better　the　block　itself；　and　the　lictors；　with　their　fasces　of　birch…twigs；　than　the　maddening　torture　of　those　jokes！　Now　with　respect　to　jokesand　the　present　company　of　course　exceptedmany　people；　perhaps　most　people；　are　as　infants。　　They　have　little　sense　of　humor。　　They　don't　like　jokes。　　Raillery　in　writing　annoys　and　offends　them。　　The　coarseness　apart；　I　think　I　have　met　very；　very　few　women　who　liked　the　banter　of　Swift　and　Fielding。　　Their　simple；　tender　natures　revolt　at　laughter。　　Is　the　satyr　always　a　wicked　brute　at　heart；　and　are　they　rightly　shocked　at　his　grin；　his　leer；　his　horns；　hoofs；　and　ears？　　Fi　donc；　le　vilain　monstre；　with　his　shrieks；　and　his　capering　crooked　legs！　Let　him　go　and　get　a　pair　of　well…wadded　black　silk　stockings；　and　pull　them　over　those　horrid　shanks；　put　a　large　gown　and　bands　over　beard　and　hide；　and　pour　a　dozen　of　lavender…water　into　his　lawn　handkerchief；　and　cry；　and　never　make　a　joke　again。　　It　shall　all　be　highly…distilled　poesy；　and　perfumed　sentiment；　and　gushing　eloquence；　and　the　foot　SHAN'T　peep　out；　and　a　plague　take　it。　Cover　it　up　with　the　surplice。　　Out　with　your　cambric；　dear　ladies；　and　let　us　all　whimper　together。　Now；　then；　hand　on　heart；　we　declare　that　it　is　not　the　fire　of　adverse　critics　which　afflicts　or　frightens　the　editorial　bosom。　They　may　be　right；　they　may　be　rogues　who　have　a　personal　spite；　they　may　be　dullards　who　kick　and　bray　as　their　nature　is　to　do；　and　prefer　thistles　to　pineapples；　they　may　be　conscientious；　acute；　deeply　learned；　delightful　judges；　who　see　your　joke　in　a　moment；　and　the　profound　wisdom　lying　underneath。　　Wise　or　dull；　laudatory　or　otherwise；　we　put　their　opinions　aside。　　If　they　applaud；　we　are　pleased：　if　they　shake　their　quick　pens；　and　fly　off　with　a　hiss；　we　resign　their　favors　and　put　on　all　the　fortitude　we　can　muster。　　I　would　rather　have　the　lowest　man's　good　word　than　his　bad　one；　to　be　sure；　but　as　for　coaxing　a　compliment；　or　wheedling　him　into　good…　humor；　or　stopping　his　angry　mouth　with　a　good　dinner；　or　accepting　his　contributions　for　a　certain　Magazine；　for　fear　of　his　barking　or　snapping　elsewhereallons　donc！　　These　shall　not　be　our　acts。　　Bow…　wow；　Cerberus！　　Here　shall　be　no　sop　for　thee；　unlessunless　Cerberus　is　an　uncommonly　good　dog；　when　we　shall　bear　no　malice　because　he　flew　at　us　from　our　neighbor's　gate。　What；　then；　is　the　main　grief　you　spoke　of　as　annoying　youthe　toothache　in　the　Lord　Mayor's　jaw；　the　thorn　in　the　cushion　of　the　editorial　chair？　　It　is　there。　　Ah！　it　stings　me　now　as　I　write。　　It　comes　with　almost　every　morning's　post。　　At　night　I　come　home　and　take　my　letters　up　to　bed　（not　daring　to　open　them）；　and　in　the　morning　I　find　one；　two；　three　thorns　on　my　pillow。　　Three　I　extracted　yesterday；　two　I　found　this　morning。　　They　don't　sting　quite　so　sharply　as　they　did；　but　a　skin　is　a　skin；　and　they　bite；　after　all；　most　wickedly。　　It　is　all　very　fine　to　advertise　on　the　Magazine；　〃Contributions　are　only　to　be　sent　to　Messrs。　Smith；　Elder　and　Co。；　and　not　to　the　Editor's　private　residence。〃　　My　dear　sir；　how　little　you　know　man…　or　woman…kind；　if　you　fancy　they　will　take　that　sort　of　warning！　　How　am　I　to　know；　（though；　to　be　sure；　I　begin　to　know　now；）　as　I　take　the　letters　off　the　tray；　which　of　those　envelopes　contains　a　real　bona　fide　letter；　and　which　a　thorn？　One　of　the　best　invitations　this　year　I　mistook　for　a　thorn…letter；　and　kept　it　without　opening。　　This　is　what　I　call　a　thorn…letter：

〃CAMBERWELL；　June　4。　〃SIRMay　I　hope；　may　I　entreat；　that　you　will　favor　me　by　perusing　the　enclosed　lines；　and　that　they　may　be　found　worthy　of　insertion　in　the　Cornhill　Magazine。　　We　have　known　better　days；　sir。　　I　have　a　sick　and　widowed　mother　to　maintain；　and　little　brothers　and　sisters　who　look　to　me。　　I　do　my　utmost　as　a　governess　to　support　them。　　I　toil　at　night　when　they　are　at　rest；　and　my　own　hand　and　brain　are　alike　tired。　　If　I　could　add　but　a　LITTLE　to　our　means　by　my　pen；　many　of　my　poor　invalid's　wants　might　be　supplied；　and　I　could　procure　for　her　comforts　to　which　she　is　now　a　stranger。　　Heaven　knows　it　is　not　for　want　of　WILL　or　for　want　of　ENERGY　on　my　part；　that　she　is　now　in　ill…health；　and　our　little　household　almost　without　bread。　　Dodo　cast　a　kind　glance　over　my　poem；　and　if　you　can　help　us；　the　widow；　the　orphans　will　bless　you！　　I　remain；　sir；　in　anxious　expectancy；　〃Your　faithful　servant；　〃S。　S。　S。〃

And　enclosed　is　a　little　poem　or　two；　and　an　envelope　with　its　penny　stampheaven　help　us！and　the　writer's　name　and　address。　Now　you　see　what　I　mean　by　a　thorn。　　Here　is　the　case　put　with　true　female　logic。　　〃I　am　poor；　I　am　good；　I　am　ill；　I　work　hard；　I　have　a　sick　mother　and　hungry　brothers　and　sisters　dependent　on　me。　　You　can　help　us　if　you　will。〃　　And　then　I　look　at　the　paper；　with　the　thousandth　part　of　a　faint　hope　that　it　may　be　suitable；　and　I　find　it　won't　do：　and　I　knew　it　wouldn't　do：　and　why　is　this　poor　lady　to　appeal　to　my　pity　and　bring　her　poor　little　ones　kneeling　to　my　bedside；　and　calling　for　bread　which　I　can　give　them　if　I　choose？　No　day　passes　but　that　argument　ad　misericordiam　is　used。　　Day　and　night　that　sad　voice　is　crying　out　for　help。　　Thrice　it　appealed　to　me　yesterday。　　Twice　this　morning　it　cried　to　me：　and　I　have　no　doubt　when　I　go　to　get　my　hat；　I　shall　find　it　with　its　piteous　face　and　its　pale　family　about　it；　waiting　for　me　in　the　hall。　　One　of　the　immense　advantages　which　women　have　over　our　sex　is；　that　they　actually　like　to　read　these　letters。　　Like　letters？　　O　mercy　on　us！　Before　I　was　an　editor　I　did　not　like　the　postman　much：but　now！　A　very　common　way　with　these　petitioners　is　to　begin　with　a　fine　flummery　about　the　merits　and　eminent　genius　of　the　person　whom　they　are　addressing。　　But　this　artifice；　I　state　publicly；　is　of　no　avail。　　When　I　see　THAT　kind　of　herb；　I　know　the　snake　within　it；　and　fling　it　away　before　it　has　time　to　sting。　　Away；　reptile；　to　the　waste…paper　basket；　and　thence　to　the　flames！　But　of　these　disappointed　people；　some　take　their　disappointment　and　meekly　bear　it。　　Some　hate　and　hold　you　their　enemy　because　you　could　not　be　their　friend。　　Some；　furious　and　envious；　say：　〃Who　is　this　man　who　refuses　what　I　offer；　and　how　dares　he；　the　conceited　coxcomb；　to　deny　my　merit？〃　Sometimes　my　letters　contain　not　mere　thorns；　but　bludgeons。　　How　are　two　choice　slips　from　that　noble　Irish　oak；　which　has　more　than　once　supplied　alpeens　for　this　meek　and　unoffending　skull：

〃THEATRE　ROYAL；　DONNYBROOK。　〃SIR；I　have　just　finished　reading　the　first　portion　of　your　Tale；　Lovel　the　Widower；　and　am　much　surprised　at　the　unwarrantable　strictures　you　pass　therein　on　the　corps　de　ballet。　〃I　have　been　for　more　than　ten　years　connected　with　the　theatrical　profession；　and　I　beg　to　assure　you　that　the　majority　of　the　corps　de　ballet　are　virtuous；　well…conducted　girls；　and；　consequently；　that　snug　cottages　are　not　taken　for　them　in　the　Regent's　Park。　〃I　also　have　to　inform　you　that　theatrical　managers　are　in　the　habit　of　speaking　good　English；　possibly　better　English　than　authors。　〃You　either　know　nothing　of　the　subject　in　question；　or　you　assert　a　wilful　falsehood。　〃I　am　happy　to　say　that　the　characters　of　the　corps　de　ballet；　as　also　those　of　actors　and　actresses；　are　superior　to　the　snarlings　of　dyspeptic　libellers；　or　the　spiteful　attacks　and　brutum　fulmen　of　ephemeral　authors。　〃I　am；　sir；　your　obedient　servant；　〃A。　B。　C。〃　The　Editor　of　the　Cornhill　Magazine。

〃THEATRE　ROYAL；　DONNYBROOK。　〃SIR；I　have　just　read　in　the　Cornhill　Magazine　for　January；　the　first　portion　of　a　Tale　written　by　you；　and　entitled　Lovel　the　Widower。　〃In　the　production　in　question　you　employ　all　your　malicious　spite　（and　you　have　great　capabilities　that　way）　in　trying　to　degrade　the　character　of　the　corps　de　ballet。　　When　you　imply　that　the　majority　of　ballet…girls　have　villas　taken　for　them　in　the　Regent's　Park；　I　SAY　YOU　TELL　A　DELIBERATE　FALSEHOOD。　〃Haveing　been　brought　up　to　the　stage　from　infancy；　and　though　now　an　actress；　haveing　b