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　consented　to　　have　what　was　left　of　it　tightly　curled　with　a　pair　of　tongs。　　　I　cannot　say　that　I　shared　in　any　sensible　degree　the　　pleasure　which　this　operation　seemed　to　give　to　the　artist。　　　But　when　I　got　back　to　the　ship　the　sight　of　my　adornment　　kept　my　messmates　in　an　uproar　for　the　rest　of　the　afternoon。

Whether　the　touching　appeal　to　my　mother　produced　tears；　or　　of　what　kind；　matters　little；　it　effectually　determined　my　　career。　　Before　my　new　ship　sailed　for　China；　I　was　home　　again；　and　in　full　possession　of　my　coveted　freedom　as　a　　civilian。



CHAPTER　VIII



IT　was　settled　that　after　a　course　of　three　years　at　a　　private　tutor's　I　was　to　go　to　Cambridge。　　The　life　I　had　led　　for　the　past　three　years　was　not　the　best　training　for　the　　fellow…pupil　of　lads　of　fifteen　or　sixteen　who　had　just　left　　school。　　They　were　much　more　ready　to　follow　my　lead　than　I　　theirs；　especially　as　mine　was　always　in　the　pursuit　of　　pleasure。

I　was　first　sent　to　Mr。　B。's；　about　a　couple　of　miles　from　　Alnwick。　　Before　my　time；　Alnwick　itself　was　considered　out　　of　bounds。　　But　as　nearly　half　the　sin　in　this　world　consists　　in　being　found　out；　my　companions　and　I　managed　never　to　　commit　any　in　this　direction。

We　generally　returned　from　the　town　with　a　bottle　of　some　　noxious　compound　called　'port'　in　our　pockets；　which　was　　served　out　in　our　'study'　at　night；　while　I　read　aloud　the　　instructive　adventures　of　Mr。　Thomas　Jones。　　We　were；　of　　course；　supposed　to　employ　these　late　hours　in　preparing　our　　work　for　the　morrow。　　One　boy　only　protested　that；　under　the　　combined　seductions　of　the　port　and　Miss　Molly　Seagrim；　he　　could　never　make　his　verses　scan。

Another　of　our　recreations　was　poaching。　　From　my　earliest　　days　I　was　taught　to　shoot；　myself　and　my　brothers　being　each　　provided　with　his　little　single…barrelled　flint　and　steel　　'Joe　Manton。'　　At　…　we　were　surrounded　by　grouse　moors　on　one　　side；　and　by　well…preserved　coverts　on　the　other。　　The　grouse　　I　used　to　shoot　in　the　evening　while　they　fed　amongst　the　　corn　stooks；　for　pheasants　and　hares；　I　used　to　get　the　other　　pupils　to　walk　through　the　woods；　while　I　with　a　gun　walked　　outside。　　Scouts　were　posted　to　look　out　for　keepers。

Did　our　tutor　know？　　Of　course　he　knew。　　But　think　of　the　　saving　in　the　butcher's　bill！　　Besides　which；　Mr。　B。　was　　otherwise　preoccupied；　he　was　in　love　with　Mrs。　B。　　I　say　'in　　love；'　for　although　I　could　not　be　sure　of　it　then；　（having　　no　direct　experience　of　the　AMANTIUM　IRAE；）　subsequent　　observation　has　persuaded　me　that　their　perpetual　quarrels　　could　mean　nothing　else。　　This　was　exceedingly　favourable　to　　the　independence　of　Mr。　B。's　pupils。　　But　when　asked　by　Mr。　　Ellice　how　I　was　getting　on；　I　was　forced　in　candour　to　admit　　that　I　was　in　a　fair　way　to　forget　all　I　ever　knew。

By　the　advice　of　Lord　Spencer　I　was　next　placed　under　the　　tuition　of　one　of　the　minor　canons　of　Ely。　　The　Bishop　of　Ely　　…　Dr。　Allen　…　had　been　Lord　Spencer's　tutor；　hence　his　　elevation　to　the　see。　　The　Dean　…　Dr。　Peacock；　of　algebraic　　and　Trinity　College　fame　…　was　good　enough　to　promise　'to　　keep　an　eye'　on　me。　　Lord　Spencer　himself　took　me　to　Ely；　and　　there　I　remained　for　two　years。　　They　were　two　very　important　　years　of　my　life。　　Having　no　fellow　pupil　to　beguile　me；　I　　was　the　more　industrious。　　But　it　was　not　from　the　better　　acquaintance　with　ancient　literature　that　I　mainly　benefited；　　…　it　was　from　my　initiation　to　modern　thought。　　I　was　a　　constant　guest　at　the　Deanery；　where　I　frequently　met　such　　men　as　Sedgwick；　Airey　the　Astronomer…Royal；　Selwyn；　Phelps　　the　Master　of　Sydney；　Canon　Heaviside　the　master　of　　Haileybury；　and　many　other　friends　of　the　Dean's；　　distinguished　in　science；　literature；　and　art。　　Here　I　heard　　discussed　opinions　on　these　subjects　by　some　of　their　leading　　representatives。　　Naturally；　as　many　of　them　were　Churchmen；　　conversation　often　turned　on　the　bearing　of　modern　science；　　of　geology　especially　if　Sedgwick　were　of　the　party；　upon　　Mosaic　cosmogony；　or　Biblical　exegesis　generally。

The　knowledge　of　these　learned　men；　the　lucidity　with　which　　they　expressed　their　views；　and　the　earnestness　with　which　　they　defended　them；　captivated　my　attention；　and　opened　to　me　　a　new　world　of　surpassing　interest　and　gravity。

What　startled　me　most　was　the　spirit　in　which　a　man　of　　Sedgwick's　intellectual　power　protested　against　the　possible　　encroachments　of　his　own　branch　of　science　upon　the　orthodox　　tenets　of　the　Church。　　Just　about　this　time　an　anonymous　book　　appeared；　which；　though　long　since　forgotten；　caused　no　　slight　disturbance　amongst　dogmatic　theologians。　　The　　tendency　of　this　book；　'Vestiges　of　the　Creation；'　was；　or　　was　then　held　to　be；　antagonistic　to　the　arguments　from　　design。　　Familiar　as　we　now　are　with　the　theory　of　evolution；　　such　a　work　as　the　'Vestiges'　would　no　more　stir　the　ODIUM　　THEOLOGICUM　than　Franklin's　kite。　　Sedgwick；　however；　　attacked　it　with　a　vehemence　and　a　rancour　that　would　　certainly　have　roasted　its　author　had　the　professor　held　the　　office　of　Grand　Inquisitor。

Though　incapable　of　forming　any　opinion　as　to　the　scientific　　merits　of　such　a　book；　or　of　Hugh　Miller's　writings；　which　he　　also　attacked　upon　purely　religious　grounds；　I　was　staggered　　by　the　fact　that　the　Bible　could　possibly　be　impeached；　or　　that　it　was　not　profanity　to　defend　it　even。　　Was　it　not　the　　'Word　of　God'？　　And　if　so；　how　could　any　theories　of　　creation；　any　historical；　any　philological　researches；　shake　　its　eternal　truth？

Day　and　night　I　pondered　over　this　new　revelation。　　I　bought　　the　books　…　the　wicked　books　…　which　nobody　ought　to　read。　　　The　INDEX　EXPURGATORIUS　became　my　guide　for　books　to　be　　digested。　　I　laid　hands　on　every　heretical　work　I　could　hear　　of。　　By　chance　I　made　the　acquaintance　of　a　young　man　who；　　together　with　his　family；　were　Unitarians。　　I　got；　and　　devoured；　Channing's　works。　　I　found　a　splendid　copy　of　　Voltaire　in　the　Holkham　library；　and　hunted　through　the　　endless　volumes；　till　I　came　to　the　'Dialogues　　Philosophiques。'　　The　world　is　too　busy；　fortunately；　to　　disturb　its　peace　with　such　profane　satire；　such　withering　　sarcasm　as　flashes　through　an　'entretien'　like　that　between　　'Frere　Rigolet'　and　'L'Empereur　de　la　Chine。'　　Every　French　　man　of　letters　knows　it　by　heart；　but　it　would　wound　our　　English　susceptibilities　were　I　to　cite　it　here。　　Then；　too；　　the　impious　paraphrase　of　the　Athanasian　Creed；　with　its　　terrible　climax；　from　the　converting　Jesuit：　　'Or　vous　voyez　　bien　。　。　。　qu'un　homme　qui　ne　croit　pas　cette　histoire　doit　　etre　brule　dans　ce　monde　ci；　et　dans　l'autre。'　　To　which　　'L'Empereur'　replies：　　'Ca　c'est　clair　comme　le　jour。'

Could　an　ignorant　youth；　fevered　with　curiosity　and　the　first　　goadings　of　the　questioning　spirit；　resist　such　logic；　such　　scorn；　such　scathing　wit；　as　he　met　with　here？

Then　followed　Rousseau；　'Emile'　became　my　favourite。　　　Froude's　'Nemesis　of　Faith'　I　read；　and　many　other　books　of　a　　like　tendency。　　Passive　obedience；　blind　submission　to　　authority；　was　never　one　of　my　virtues；　and　once　my　faith　was　　shattered；　I　knew　not　where　to　stop　…　what　to　doubt；　what　to　　believe。　　If　the　injunction　to　'prove　all　things'　was　　anything　more　than　an　empty　apophthegm；　inquiry；　in　St。　　Paul's　eyes　at　any　rate；　could　not　be　sacrilege。

It　was　not　happiness　I　sought；　…　not　peace　of　mind　at　least；　　for　assuredly　my　thirst　for　knowledge；　for　truth；　brought　me　　anything　but　peace。　　I　never　was　more　restless；　or；　at　times；　　more　unhappy。　　Shallow；　indeed；　must　be　the　soul　that　can　　lightly　sever　itself　from　beliefs　which　lie　at　the　roots　of　　our　moral；　intellectual；　and　emotional　being；　sanctified　too　　by　associations　of　our　earliest　love　and　reverence。　　I　used　　to　wander　about　the　fields；　and　sit　for　hours　in　sequestered　　spots；　longing　for　some　friend；　some　confidant　to　take　　counsel　with。　　I　knew　no　such　friend。　　I　did　not　dare　to　　speak　of　my　misgivings　to　others。　　In　spite　of　my　earnest　　desire　for　guidance；　for　more　light；　the　strong　grip　of　　childhood's　influences　was　impossible　to　shake　off。　　I　could　　not　rid　my　conscience　of　the　sin　of　doubt。

It　is　this　difficulty；　this　primary　dependence　on　others；　　which　develops　into　the　child's　first　religion；　that　　perpetuates　the　infantile　character　of　human　creeds；　and；　　what　is　worse；　generates　the　hideous　bigotry　which　justifies　　that　sad　reflection　of　Lucretius：　　'Tantum　Religio　potuit　　suadere　malorum！'



CHAPTER　IX



TO　turn　again　to　narrative；　and　to　far　less　serious　thoughts。　　　The　last　eighteen　months　before　I　went　to　Cambridge；　I　was　　placed；　or　rather　placed　myself；　under　the　tuition　of　Mr。　　Robert　Collyer；　rector　of　Warham；　a　living　close　to　Holkham　　in　the　gift　of　my　brother　Leicester。　　Between　my　Ely　tutor　　and　myself　there　was　but　little　sympathy。　　He　was　a　man　of　　much　refinement；　but　with　not　much　indulgence　for　such　　aberrant　proclivities　as　mine。　　Without　my　knowledge；　he　　wrote　to　Mr。　Ellice　lamenting　my　secret　recusancy；　and　its　　moral　dangers。　　Mr。　Ellice　came　expressly　from　London；　and　　stayed　a　night　at　Ely。　　He　dined　with　us　in　the　cloisters；　　and　had　a　long　private　conversation　with　my　tutor；　and；　　before　he　left；　with　me。　　I　indignantly　resented　the　　clandestine　representations　of　Mr。　S。；　and；　without　a　word　to　　Mr。　Ellice　or　to　anyone　else；　wrote　next　day　to　Mr。　Collyer　　to　beg　him　to　take　me　in　at　Warham；　and　make　what　he　could　of　　me；　before　I　went　to　Cambridge。　　It　may　here　be　said　that　Mr。　　Collyer　had　been　my　father's　chaplain；　and　had　lived　at　　Holkham　for　several　years　as　family　tutor　to　my　brothers　and　　myself；　as　we　in　turn　left　the　nursery。　　Mr。　Collyer；　upon　　receipt　of　my　letter；　referred　the　matter　to　Mr。　Ellice；　with　　his　approval　I　was　duly　installed　at　Warham。　　Before　　describing　my　time　there；　I　must　tell　of　an　incident　which　　came　near　to　affecting　me　in　a　rather　important　way。

My　mother　lived　at　Longford　in　Derbyshire；　an　old　place；　now　　my　home；　which　had　come　into　the　Coke　family　in　James　I。's　　reign；　through　the　marriage　of　a　son　of　Chief　Justice　Coke's　　with　the　heiress　of　the　De　Langfords；　an　ancient　family　from　　that　time　extinct。　　While　staying　there　during　my　summer　　holidays；　my　mother　confided　to　me　that　she　had　had　an