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O; walk humbly!
CURTAIN
Play: MACAIRE … A MELODRAMATIC FARCE IN THREE ACTS
PERSONS REPRESENTED
ROBERT MACAIRE。
BERTRAND。
DUMONT; Landlord of the AUBERGE DES ADRETS。
CHARLES; a Gendarme; Dumont's supposed son。
GORIOT。
THE MARQUIS; Charles's Father。
THE BRIGADIER of Gendarmerie。
THE CURATE。
THE NOTARY。
A WAITER。
ERNESTINE; Goriot's Daughter。
ALINE。
MAIDS; PEASANTS (MALE AND FEMALE); GENDARMES。
The Scene is laid in the Courtyard of the AUBERGE DES ADRETS; on
the frontier of France and Savoy。 The time 1800。 The action
occupies an interval of from twelve to fourteen hours: from four
in the afternoon till about five in the morning。
NOTE。 … THE TIME BETWEEN THE ACTS SHOULD BE AS BRIEF AS POSSIBLE;
AND THE PIECE PLAYED; WHERE IT IS MERELY COMIC; IN A VEIN OF
PATTER。
MACAIRE
ACT I。
The Stage represents the courtyard of the Auberge des Adrets。 It
is surrounded by the buildings of the inn; with a gallery on the
first story; approached; C。; by a straight flight of stairs。 L。
C。; the entrance doorway。 A little in front of this; a small
grated office; containing business table; brass…bound cabinet;
and portable cash…box。 In front; R。 and L。; tables and benches;
one;L。; partially laid for a considerable party。
SCENE I
ALINE and MAIDS; to whom FIDDLERS; afterwards DUMONT and CHARLES。
As the curtain rises; the sound of the violins is heard
approaching。 ALINE and the inn servants; who are discovered
laying the table; dance up to door L。 C。; to meet the FIDDLERS;
who enter likewise dancing to their own music。 Air: 'Haste to
the Wedding。' The FIDDLERS exeunt playing into house; R。 U。 E。
ALINE and MAIDS dance back to table; which they proceed to
arrange。
ALINE。 Well; give me fiddles: fiddles and a wedding feast。 It
tickles your heart till your heels make a runaway match of it。 I
don't mind extra work; I don't; so long as there's fun about it。
Hand me up that pile of plates。 The quinces there; before the
bride。 Stick a pink in the Notary's glass: that's the girl he's
courting。
DUMONT (ENTERING; WITH CHARLES)。 Good girls; good girls!
Charles; in ten minutes from now what happy faces will smile
around that board!
CHARLES。 Sir; my good fortune is complete; and most of all in
this; that my happiness has made my father happy。
DUMONT。 Your father? Ah; well; upon that point we shall have
more to say。
CHARLES。 What more remains that has not been said already? For
surely; sir; there are few sons more fortunate in their father:
and; since you approve of this marriage; may I not conceive you
to be in that sense fortunate in your son?
DUMONT。 Dear boy; there is always a variety of considerations。
But the moment is ill chosen for dispute; to…night; at least; let
our felicity be unalloyed。 (LOOKING OFF L。 C。) Our guests
arrive: here is our good Curate; and here our cheerful Notary。
CHARLES。 His old infirmity; I fear。
DUMONT。 But Charles … dear boy! … at your wedding feast! I
should have taken it unneighbourly had he come strictly sober。
SCENE II
To these; by the door L。 C。; the CURATE and the NOTARY; arm in
arm; the latter owl…like and titubant。
CURATE。 Peace be on this house!
NOTARY (SINGING)。 'Prove an excuse for the glass。'
DUMONT。 Welcome; excellent neighbours! The Church and the Law。
CURATE。 And you; Charles; let me hope your feelings are in
solemn congruence with this momentous step。
NOTARY (DIGGING CHARLES IN THE RIBS)。 Married? Lovely bride?
Prove an excuse!
DUMONT (TO CURATE)。 I fear our friend? perhaps? as usual? eh?
CURATE。 Possibly: I had not yet observed it。
DUMONT。 Well; well; his heart is good。
CURATE。 He doubtless meant it kindly。
NOTARY。 Where's Aline?
ALINE。 Coming; sir! (NOTARY MAKES FOR HER。)
CURATE (CAPTURING HIM)。 You will infallibly expose yourself to
misconstruction。 (TO CHARLES。) Where is your commanding
officer?
CHARLES。 Why; sir; we have quite an alert。 Information has been
received from Lyons that the notorious malefactor; Robert
Macaire; has broken prison; and the Brigadier is now scouring the
country in his pursuit。 I myself am instructed to watch the
visitors to our house。
DUMONT。 That will do; Charles: you may go。 (EXIT CHARLES。)
You have considered the case I laid before you?
NOTARY。 Considered a case?
DUMONT。 Yes; yes。 Charles; you know; Charles。 Can he marry?
under these untoward and peculiar circumstances; can he marry?
NOTARY。 Now; lemme tell you: marriage is a contract to which
there are two constracting parties。 That being clear; I am
prepared to argue categorically that your son Charles … who; it
appears; is not your son Charles … I am prepared to argue that
one party to a contract being null and void; the other party to a
contract cannot by law oblige or constrain the first party to
constract or bind himself to any contract; except the other party
be able to see his way clearly to constract himself with him。 I
donno if I make myself clear?
DUMONT。 No。
NOTARY。 Now; lemme tell you: by applying justice of peace might
possibly afford relief。
DUMONT。 But how?
NOTARY。 Ay; there's the rub。
DUMONT。 But what am I to do? He's not my son; I tell you:
Charles is not my son。
NOTARY。 I know。
DUMONT。 Perhaps a glass of wine would clear him?
NOTARY。 That's what I want。 (THEY GO OUT; L。 U。 E。)
ALINE。 And now; if you've done deranging my table; to the cellar
for the wine; the whole pack of you。 (MANET SOLA; CONSIDERING
TABLE。) There: it's like a garden。 If I had as sweet a table
for my wedding; I would marry the Notary。
SCENE III
The Stage remains vacant。 Enter; by door L。 C。; MACAIRE;
followed by BERTRAND with bundle; in the traditional costume。
MACAIRE。 Good! No police。
BERTRAND (LOOKING OFF; L。 C。)。 Sold again!
MACAIRE。 This is a favoured spot; Bertrand: ten minutes from
the frontier: ten minutes from escape。 Blessings on that
frontier line! The criminal hops across; and lo! the reputable
man。 (READING) 'AUBERGE DES ADRETS; by John Paul Dumont。' A
table set for company; this is fate: Bertrand; are we the first
arrivals? An office; a cabinet; a cash…box … aha! and a
cash…box; golden within。 A money…box is like a Quaker beauty:
demure without; but what a figure of a woman! Outside gallery:
an architectural feature I approve; I count it a convenience both
for love and war: the troubadour … twang…twang; the craftsmen …
(MAKES AS IF TURNING KEY。) The kitchen window: humming with
cookery; truffles; before Jove! I was born for truffles。 Cock
your hat: meat; wine; rest; and occupation; men to gull; women
to fool; and still the door open; the great unbolted door of the
frontier!
BERTRAND。 Macaire; I'm hungry。
MACAIRE。 Bertrand; excuse me; you are a sensualist。 I should
have left you in the stone…yard at Lyons; and written no
passport but my own。 Your soul is incorporate with your
stomach。 Am I not hungry; too? My body; thanks to immortal
Jupiter; is but the boy that holds the kite…string; my
aspirations and designs swim like the kite sky…high; and overlook
an empire。
BERTRAND。 If I could get a full meal and a pound in my pocket I
would hold my tongue。
MACAIRE。 Dreams; dreams! We are what we are; and what are we?
Who are you? who cares? Who am I? myself。 What do we come from?
an accident。 What's a mother? an old woman。 A father? the
gentleman who beats her。 What is crime? discovery。 Virtue?
opportunity。 Politics? a pretext。 Affection? an affectation。
Morality? an affair of latitude。 Punishment? this side the
frontier。 Reward? the other。 Property? plunder。 Business?
other people's money … not mine; by God! and the end of life to
live till we are hanged。
BERTRAND。 Macaire; I came into this place with my tail between
my legs already; and hungry besides; and then you get to
flourishing; and it depresses me worse than the chaplain in the
jail。
MACAIRE。 What is a chaplain? A man they pay to say what you
don't want to hear。
BERTRAND。 And who are you after all? and what right have you to
talk like that? By what I can hear; you've been the best part of
your life in quod; and as for me; since I've followed you; what
sort of luck have I had? Sold again! A boose; a blue fright;
two years' hard; and the police hot…foot after us even now。
MACAIRE。 What is life? A boose and the police。
BERTRAND。 Of course; I know you're clever; I admire you down to
the ground; and I'll starve without you。 But I can't stand it;
and I'm off。 Good…bye: good luck to you; old man! and if you
want the bundle …
MACAIRE。 I am a gentleman of a mild disposition and; I thank my
maker; elegant manners; but rather than be betrayed by such a
thing as you are; with the courage of a hare; and the manners; by
the Lord Harry; of a jumping…Jack … (HE SHOWS HIS KNIFE。)
BERTRAND。 Put it up; put it up: I'll do what you want。
MACAIRE。 What is obedience? fear。 So march straight; or look
for mischief。 It's not BON TON; I know; and far from friendly。
But what is friendship? convenience。 But we lose time in this
amiable dalliance。 Come; now an effort of deportment: the head
thrown back; a jaunty carriage of the leg; crook gracefully the
elbow。 Thus。 'Tis better。 (CALLING。) House; house here!
BERTRAND。 Are you mad? We haven't a brass farthing。
MACAIRE。 Now! … But before we leave!
SCENE IV
TO THESE; DUMONT
DUMONT。 Gentlemen; what can a plain man do for your service?
MACAIRE。 My good man; in a roadside inn one cannot look for the
impossible。 Give one what small wine and what country fare you
can produce。
DUMONT。 Gentlemen; you come here upon a most auspicious day; a
red…letter day for me and my poor house; when all are welcome。
Suffer me; with all delicacy; to inquire if you are not in
somewhat narrow circumstances?
MACAIRE。 My good creature; you are strangely in error; one is
rolling in gold。
BERTRAND。 And very hungry。
DUMONT。 Dear me; and on this happy occasion I had registered a
vow that every poor traveller should have his k