lavengro-第103部分

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outgrown　it；　that　I　might　almost　bid　defiance　to　it；　and　I　had　even　

begun　to　think　of　it　without　horror；　as　we　are　in　the　habit　of　

doing　of　horrors　of　which　we　conceive　we　run　no　danger；　and　lo！　

when　least　thought　of；　it　had　seized　me　again。　　Every　moment　I　felt　

it　gathering　force；　and　making　me　more　wholly　its　own。　　What　should　

I　do？　…　resist；　of　course；　and　I　did　resist。　　I　grasped；　I　tore；　

and　strove　to　fling　it　from　me；　but　of　what　avail　were　my　efforts？　　

I　could　only　have　got　rid　of　it　by　getting　rid　of　myself：　　it　was　a　

part　of　myself；　or　rather　it　was　all　myself。　　I　rushed　amongst　the　

trees；　and　struck　at　them　with　my　bare　fists；　and　dashed　my　head　

against　them；　but　I　felt　no　pain。　　How　could　I　feel　pain　with　that　

horror　upon　me？　　And　then　I　flung　myself　on　the　ground；　gnawed　the　

earth；　and　swallowed　it；　and　then　I　looked　round；　it　was　almost　

total　darkness　in　the　dingle；　and　the　darkness　added　to　my　horror。　　

I　could　no　longer　stay　there；　up　I　rose　from　the　ground；　and　

attempted　to　escape。　　At　the　bottom　of　the　winding　path　which　led　

up　the　acclivity　I　fell　over　something　which　was　lying　on　the　

ground；　the　something　moved；　and　gave　a　kind　of　whine。　　It　was　my　

little　horse；　which　had　made　that　place　its　lair；　my　little　horse；　

my　only　companion　and　friend　in　that　now　awful　solitude。　　I　reached　

the　mouth　of　the　dingle；　the　sun　was　just　sinking　in　the　far　west　

behind　me；　the　fields　were　flooded　with　his　last　gleams。　　How　

beautiful　everything　looked　in　the　last　gleams　of　the　sun！　　I　felt　

relieved　for　a　moment；　I　was　no　longer　in　the　horrid　dingle。　　In　

another　minute　the　sun　was　gone；　and　a　big　cloud　occupied　the　place　

where　he　had　been：　　in　a　little　time　it　was　almost　as　dark　as　it　

had　previously　been　in　the　open　part　of　the　dingle。　　My　horror　

increased；　what　was　I　to　do？　…　it　was　of　no　use　fighting　against　

the　horror　…　that　I　saw；　the　more　I　fought　against　it；　the　stronger　

it　became。　　What　should　I　do：　　say　my　prayers？　　Ah！　why　not？　　So　I　

knelt　down　under　the　hedge；　and　said；　'Our　Father'；　but　that　was　of　

no　use；　and　now　I　could　no　longer　repress　cries　…　the　horror　was　

too　great　to　be　borne。　　What　should　I　do？　run　to　the　nearest　town　

or　village；　and　request　the　assistance　of　my　fellow…men？　　No！　that　

I　was　ashamed　to　do；　notwithstanding　the　horror　was　upon　me；　I　was　

ashamed　to　do　that。　　I　knew　they　would　consider　me　a　maniac；　if　I　

went　screaming　amongst　them；　and　I　did　not　wish　to　be　considered　a　

maniac。　　Moreover；　I　knew　that　I　was　not　a　maniac；　for　I　possessed　

all　my　reasoning　powers；　only　the　horror　was　upon　me　…　the　

screaming　horror！　　But　how　were　indifferent　people　to　distinguish　

between　madness　and　the　screaming　horror？　　So　I　thought　and　

reasoned；　and　at　last　I　determined　not　to　go　amongst　my　fellow…men；　

whatever　the　result　might　be。　　I　went　to　the　mouth　of　the　dingle；　

and　there；　placing　myself　on　my　knees；　I　again　said　the　Lord's　

Prayer；　but　it　was　of　no　use　…　praying　seemed　to　have　no　effect　

over　the　horror；　the　unutterable　fear　appeared　rather　to　increase　

than　diminish；　and　I　again　uttered　wild　cries；　so　loud　that　I　was　

apprehensive　they　would　be　heard　by　some　chance　passenger　on　the　

neighbouring　road；　I　therefore　went　deeper　into　the　dingle。　　I　sat　

down　with　my　back　against　a　thorn　bush；　the　thorns　entered　my　

flesh；　and　when　I　felt　them；　I　pressed　harder　against　the　bush；　I　

thought　the　pain　of　the　flesh　might　in　some　degree　counteract　the　

mental　agony；　presently　I　felt　them　no　longer　…　the　power　of　the　

mental　horror　was　so　great　that　it　was　impossible；　with　that　upon　

me；　to　feel　any　pain　from　the　thorns。　　I　continued　in　this　posture　

a　long　time；　undergoing　what　I　cannot　describe；　and　would　not　

attempt　if　I　were　able。　　Several　times　I　was　on　the　point　of　

starting　up　and　rushing　anywhere；　but　I　restrained　myself；　for　I　

knew　I　could　not　escape　from　myself；　so　why　should　I　not　remain　in　

the　dingle？　　So　I　thought　and　said　to　myself；　for　my　reasoning　

powers　were　still　uninjured。　　At　last　it　appeared　to　me　that　the　

horror　was　not　so　strong；　not　quite　so　strong；　upon　me。　　Was　it　

possible　that　it　was　relaxing　its　grasp；　releasing　its　prey？　　Oh　

what　a　mercy！　but　it　could　not　be；　and　yet　…　I　looked　up　to　heaven；　

and　clasped　my　hands；　and　said；　'Our　Father。'　　I　said　no　more　…　I　

was　too　agitated；　and　now　I　was　almost　sure　that　the　horror　had　

done　its　worst。



After　a　little　time　I　arose；　and　staggered　down　yet　farther　into　

the　dingle。　　I　again　found　my　little　horse　on　the　same　spot　as　

before。　　I　put　my　hand　to　his　mouth　…　he　licked　my　hand。　　I　flung　

myself　down　by　him；　and　put　my　arms　round　his　neck；　the　creature　

whinnied；　and　appeared　to　sympathise　with　me。　　What　a　comfort　to　

have　any　one；　even　a　dumb　brute；　to　sympathise　with　me　at　such　a　

moment！　　I　clung　to　my　little　horse；　as　if　for　safety　and　

protection。　　I　laid　my　head　on　his　neck；　and　felt　almost　calm。　　

Presently　the　fear　returned；　but　not　so　wild　as　before；　it　

subsided；　came　again；　again　subsided；　then　drowsiness　came　over　me；　

and　at　last　I　fell　asleep；　my　head　supported　on　the　neck　of　the　

little　horse。　　I　awoke；　it　was　dark；　dark　night　…　not　a　star　was　to　

be　seen　…　but　I　felt　no　fear；　the　horror　had　left　me。　　I　arose　from　

the　side　of　the　little　horse；　and　went　into　my　tent；　lay　down；　and　

again　went　to　sleep。



I　awoke　in　the　morning　weak　and　sore；　and　shuddering　at　the　

remembrance　of　what　I　had　gone　through　on　the　preceding　day；　the　

sun　was　shining　brightly；　but　it　had　not　yet　risen　high　enough　to　

show　its　head　above　the　trees　which　fenced　the　eastern　side　of　the　

dingle；　on　which　account　the　dingle　was　wet　and　dank　from　the　dews　

of　the　night。　　I　kindled　my　fire；　and；　after　sitting　by　it　for　some　

time　to　warm　my　frame；　I　took　some　of　the　coarse　food　which　I　have　

already　mentioned；　notwithstanding　my　late　struggle；　and　the　

coarseness　of　the　fare；　I　ate　with　appetite。　　My　provisions　had　by　

this　time　been　very　much　diminished；　and　I　saw　that　it　would　be　

speedily　necessary；　in　the　event　of　my　continuing　to　reside　in　the　

dingle；　to　lay　in　a　fresh　store。　　After　my　meal；　I　went　to　the　pit　

and　filled　a　can　with　water；　which　I　brought　to　the　dingle；　and　

then　again　sat　down　on　my　stone。　　I　considered　what　I　should　next　

do：　　it　was　necessary　to　do　something；　or　my　life　in　this　solitude　

would　be　insupportable。　　What　should　I　do？　rouse　up　my　forge　and　

fashion　a　horse…shoe？　　But　I　wanted　nerve　and　heart　for　such　an　

employment；　moreover；　I　had　no　motive　for　fatiguing　myself　in　this　

manner；　my　own　horse　was　shod；　no　other　was　at　hand；　and　it　is　hard　

to　work　for　the　sake　of　working。　　What　should　I　do？　read？　　Yes；　but　

I　had　no　other　book　than　the　Bible　which　the　Welsh　Methodist　had　

given　me。　　Well；　why　not　read　the　Bible？　I　was　once　fond　of　reading　

the　Bible；　ay；　but　those　days　were　long　gone　by。　　However；　I　did　

not　see　what　else　I　could　well　do　on　the　present　occasion　…　so　I　

determined　to　read　the　Bible　…　it　was　in　Welsh；　at　any　rate　it　

might　amuse　me。　　So　I　took　the　Bible　out　of　the　sack；　in　which　it　

was　lying　in　the　cart；　and　began　to　read　at　the　place　where　I　

chanced　to　open　it。　　I　opened　it　at　that　part　where　the　history　of　

Saul　commences。　　At　first　I　read　with　indifference；　but　after　some　

time　my　attention　was　riveted；　and　no　wonder；　I　had　come　to　the　

visitations　of　Saul　…　those　dark　moments　of　his；　when　he　did　and　

said　such　unaccountable　things；　it　almost　appeared　to　me　that　I　was　

reading　of　myself；　I；　too；　had　my　visitations；　dark　as　ever　his　

were。　　Oh；　how　I　sympathised　with　Saul；　the　tall　dark　man！　　I　had　

read　his　life　before；　but　it　had　made　no　impression　on　me；　it　had　

never　occurred　to　me　that　I　was　like　him；　but　I　now　sympathised　

with　Saul；　for　my　own　dark　hour　was　but　recently　passed；　and；　

perhaps；　would　soon　return　again；　the　dark　hour　came　frequently　on　

Saul。



Time　wore　away；　I　finished　the　book　of　Saul；　and；　closing　the　

volume；　returned　it　to　its　place。　　I　then　returned　to　my　seat　on　

the　stone；　and　thought　of　what　I　had　read；　and　what　I　had　lately　

undergone。　　All　at　once　I　thought　I　felt　well…known　sensations；　a　

cramping　of　the　breast；　and　a　tingling　of　the　soles　of　the　feet；　

they　were　what　I　had　felt　on　the　preceding　day　…　they　were　the　

forerunners　of　the　fear。　　I　sat　motionless　on　my　stone；　the　

sensations　passed　away；　and　the　fear　came　not。　　Darkness　was　now　

coming　again　over　the　earth；　the　dingle　was　again　in　deep　shade；　I　

roused　the　fire　with　the　breath　of　the　bellows；　and　sat　looking　at　

the　cheerful　glow；　it　was　cheering　and　comforting。　　My　little　horse　

came　now　and　lay　down　on　the　ground　beside　the　forge；　I　was　not　

quite　deserted。　　I　again　ate　some　of　the　coarse　food；　and　drank　

plentifully　of　the　water　which　I　had　fetched　in　the　morning。　　I　

then　put　fresh　fuel　on　the　fire；　and　sat　for　a　long　time　looking　on　

the　blaze；　I　then　went　into　my　tent。



I　awoke；　on　my　own　calculation；　about　midnight　…　it　was　pitch　dark；　

and　there　was　much　fear　upon　me。







CHAPTER　LXXXV







Free　and　independent　…　I　don't　see　why　…　Oats　…　A　noise　…　Unwelcome　

visitors　…　What's　the　matter？　…　Good…day　to　ye　…　The　tall　girl　…　

Dovrefeld　…　Blow　on　the　face　…　Civil　enough　…　What's　this？　…　Vulgar　

woman　…　Hands　off　…　Gasping　for　breath　…　Long　Melford　…　A　pretty　

manoeuvre　…　A　long　draught　…　Signs　of　animation　…　It　won't　do　…　No　

malice　…　Bad　people。



Two　mornings　after　the　period　to　which　I　have　brought　the　reader　in　

the　preceding　chapter；　I　sat　by　my　fire　at　the　bottom　of　the　

dingle；　I　had　just　breakfasted；　and　had　finished　the　last　morsel　of　

food　which　I　had　brought　with　me　to　that　solitude。



'What　shall　I　now　do？'　said　I　to　myself；　'shall　I　continue　here；　or　

decamp？　…　this　is　a　sad　lonely　spot　…　perhaps　I　had　better　quit　it；　

but　whither　shall　I　go？　the　wide　world　is　before　me；　but　what　can　I