lavengro-第95部分

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perplexed；　and　yet　a　ray　of　hope　began　to　dawn　in　my　soul。　　I　

thought　of　consulting　the　good　man；　but　I　was　afraid　he　would　drive　

away　the　small　glimmer。　　I　was　afraid　he　would　say；　〃Oh　yes；　every　

one　is　to　be　saved；　except　a　wretch　like　you；　I　was　not　aware　

before　that　there　was　anything　so　horrible；　…　begone！〃　　Once　or　

twice　the　old　man　questioned　me　on　the　subject　of　my　misery；　but　I　

evaded　him；　once；　indeed；　when　he　looked　particularly　benevolent；　I　

think　I　should　have　unbosomed　myself　to　him；　but　we　were　

interrupted。　　He　never　pressed　me　much；　perhaps　he　was　delicate　in　

probing　my　mind；　as　we　were　then　of　different　persuasions。　　Hence　

he　advised　me　to　seek　the　advice　of　some　powerful　minister　in　my　

own　church；　there　were　many　such　in　it；　he　said。



'I　stayed　several　days　in　the　family；　during　which　time　I　more　than　

once　heard　my　venerable　friend　preach；　each　time　he　preached；　he　

exhorted　his　hearers　not　to　despair。　　The　whole　family　were　kind　to　

me；　his　wife　frequently　discoursed　with　me；　and　also　the　young　

person　to　whom　I　have　already　alluded。　　It　appeared　to　me　that　the　

latter　took　a　peculiar　interest　in　my　fate。



'At　last　my　friend　said　to　me；　〃It　is　now　time　thou　shouldest　

return　to　thy　mother　and　thy　brother。〃　　So　I　arose；　and　departed　to　

my　mother　and　my　brother；　and　at　my　departure　my　old　friend　gave　me　

his　blessing；　and　his　wife　and　the　young　person　shed　tears；　the　

last　especially。　　And　when　my　mother　saw　me；　she　shed　tears；　and　

fell　on　my　neck　and　kissed　me；　and　my　brother　took　me　by　the　hand　

and　bade　me　welcome；　and　when　our　first　emotions　were　subsided；　my　

mother　said；　〃I　trust　thou　art　come　in　a　lucky　hour。　　A　few　weeks　

ago　my　cousin　（whose　favourite　thou　always　wast）　died　and　left　thee　

his　heir　…　left　thee　the　goodly　farm　in　which　he　lived。　　I　trust；　

my　son；　that　thou　wilt　now　settle；　and　be　a　comfort　to　me　in　my　old　

days。〃　　And　I　answered；　〃I　will；　if　so　please　the　Lord〃；　and　I　said　

to　myself；　〃God　grant　that　this　bequest　be　a　token　of　the　Lord's　

favour。〃



'And　in　a　few　days　I　departed　to　take　possession　of　my　farm；　it　was　

about　twenty　miles　from　my　mother's　house；　in　a　beautiful　but　

rather　wild　district；　I　arrived　at　the　fall　of　the　leaf。　　All　day　

long　I　busied　myself　with　my　farm；　and　thus　kept　my　mind　employed。　　

At　night；　however；　I　felt　rather　solitary；　and　I　frequently　wished　

for　a　companion。　　Each　night　and　morning　I　prayed　fervently　unto　

the　Lord；　for　His　hand　had　been　very　heavy　upon　me；　and　I　feared　

Him。



'There　was　one　thing　connected　with　my　new　abode　which　gave　me　

considerable　uneasiness　…　the　want　of　spiritual　instruction。　　There　

was　a　church；　indeed；　close　at　hand；　in　which　service　was　

occasionally　performed；　but　in　so　hurried　and　heartless　a　manner　

that　I　derived　little　benefit　from　it。　　The　clergyman　to　whom　the　

benefice　belonged　was　a　valetudinarian；　who　passed　his　time　in　

London；　or　at　some　watering…place；　entrusting　the　care　of　his　flock　

to　the　curate　of　a　distant　parish；　who　gave　himself　very　little　

trouble　about　the　matter。　　Now　I　wanted　every　Sunday　to　hear　from　

the　pulpit　words　of　consolation　and　encouragement；　similar　to　those　

which　I　had　heard　uttered　from　the　pulpit　by　my　good　and　venerable　

friend；　but　I　was　debarred　from　this　privilege。　　At　length；　one　day　

being　in　conversation　with　one　of　my　labourers；　a　staid　and　serious　

man；　I　spoke　to　him　of　the　matter　which　lay　heavy　upon　my　mind；　

whereupon；　looking　me　wistfully　in　the　face；　he　said；　〃Master；　the　

want　of　religious　instruction　in　my　church　was　what　drove　me　to　the　

Methodists。〃　　〃The　Methodists；〃　said　I；　〃are　there　any　in　these　

parts？〃　　〃There　is　a　chapel；〃　said　he；　〃only　half　a　mile　distant；　

at　which　there　are　two　services　every　Sunday；　and　other　two　during　

the　week。〃　　Now　it　happened　that　my　venerable　friend　was　of　the　

Methodist　persuasion；　and　when　I　heard　the　poor　man　talk　in　this　

manner；　I　said　to　him；　〃May　I　go　with　you　next　Sunday？〃　　〃Why　not？〃　

said　he；　so　I　went　with　the　labourer　on　the　ensuing　Sabbath　to　the　

meeting　of　the　Methodists。



'I　liked　the　preaching　which　I　heard　at　the　chapel　very　well；　

though　it　was　not　quite　so　comfortable　as　that　of　my　old　friend；　

the　preacher　being　in　some　respects　a　different　kind　of　man。　　It；　

however；　did　me　good；　and　I　went　again；　and　continued　to　do　so；　

though　I　did　not　become　a　regular　member　of　the　body　at　that　time。



'I　had　now　the　benefit　of　religious　instruction；　and　also　to　a　

certain　extent　of　religious　fellowship；　for　the　preacher　and　

various　members　of　his　flock　frequently　came　to　see　me。　　They　were　

honest　plain　men；　not　exactly　of　the　description　which　I　wished　

for；　but　still　good　sort　of　people；　and　I　was　glad　to　see　them。　　

Once　on　a　time；　when　some　of　them　were　with　me；　one　of　them　

inquired　whether　I　was　fervent　in　prayer。　　〃Very　fervent；〃　said　I。　　

〃And　do　you　read　the　Scriptures　often？〃　said　he。　　〃No；〃　said　I。　　

〃Why　not？〃　said　he。　　〃Because　I　am　afraid　to　see　there　my　own　

condemnation。〃　　They　looked　at　each　other；　and　said　nothing　at　the　

time。　　On　leaving　me；　however；　they　all　advised　me　to　read　the　

Scriptures　with　fervency　and　prayer。



'As　I　had　told　these　honest　people；　I　shrank　from　searching　the　

Scriptures；　the　remembrance　of　the　fatal　passage　was　still　too　

vivid　in　my　mind　to　permit　me。　　I　did　not　wish　to　see　my　

condemnation　repeated；　but　I　was　very　fervent　in　prayer；　and　almost　

hoped　that　God　would　yet　forgive　me　by　virtue　of　the　blood…shedding　

of　the　Lamb。　　Time　passed　on；　my　affairs　prospered；　and　I　enjoyed　a　

certain　portion　of　tranquillity。　　Occasionally；　when　I　had　nothing　

else　to　do；　I　renewed　my　studies。　　Many　is　the　book　I　read；　

especially　in　my　native　language；　for　I　was　always　fond　of　my　

native　language；　and　proud　of　being　a　Welshman。　　Amongst　the　books　

I　read　were　the　odes　of　the　great　Ab　Gwilym；　whom　thou；　friend；　

hast　never　heard　of；　no；　nor　any　of　thy　countrymen；　for　you　are　an　

ignorant　race；　you　Saxons；　at　least　with　respect　to　all　that　

relates　to　Wales　and　Welshmen。　　I　likewise　read　the　book　of　Master　

Ellis　Wyn。　　The　latter　work　possessed　a　singular　fascination　for　

me；　on　account　of　its　wonderful　delineations　of　the　torments　of　the　

nether　world。



'But　man　does　not　love　to　be　alone；　indeed；　the　Scripture　says　that　

it　is　not　good　for　man　to　be　alone。　　I　occupied　my　body　with　the　

pursuits　of　husbandry；　and　I　improved　my　mind　with　the　perusal　of　

good　and　wise　books；　but；　as　I　have　already　said；　I　frequently　

sighed　for　a　companion　with　whom　I　could　exchange　ideas；　and　who　

could　take　an　interest　in　my　pursuits；　the　want　of　such　a　one　I　

more　particularly　felt　in　the　long　winter　evenings。　　It　was　then　

that　the　image　of　the　young　person　whom　I　had　seen　in　the　house　of　

the　preacher　frequently　rose　up　distinctly　before　my　mind's　eye；　

decked　with　quiet　graces　…　hang　not　down　your　head；　Winifred　…　and　

I　thought　that　of　all　the　women　in　the　world　I　should　wish　her　to　

be　my　partner；　and　then　I　considered　whether　it　would　be　possible　

to　obtain　her。　　I　am　ready　to　acknowledge；　friend；　that　it　was　both　

selfish　and　wicked　in　me　to　wish　to　fetter　any　human　being　to　a　

lost　creature　like　myself；　conscious　of　having　committed　a　crime　

for　which　the　Scriptures　told　me　there　is　no　pardon。　　I　had；　

indeed；　a　long　struggle　as　to　whether　I　should　make　the　attempt　or　

not　…　selfishness　however　prevailed。　　I　will　not　detain　your　

attention　with　relating　all　that　occurred　at　this　period　…　suffice　

it　to　say　that　I　made　my　suit　and　was　successful；　it　is　true　that　

the　old　man；　who　was　her　guardian；　hesitated；　and　asked　several　

questions　respecting　my　state　of　mind。　　I　am　afraid　that　I　partly　

deceived　him；　perhaps　he　partly　deceived　himself；　he　was　pleased　

that　I　had　adopted　his　profession　…　we　are　all　weak　creatures。　　

With　respect　to　the　young　person；　she　did　not　ask　many　questions；　

and　I　soon　found　that　I　had　won　her　heart。　　To　be　brief；　I　married　

her；　and　here　she　is；　the　truest　wife　that　ever　man　had；　and　the　

kindest。　　Kind　I　may　well　call　her；　seeing　that　she　shrinks　not　

from　me；　who　so　cruelly　deceived　her；　in　not　telling　her　at　first　

what　I　was。　　I　married　her；　friend；　and　brought　her　home　to　my　

little　possession；　where　we　passed　our　time　very　agreeably。　　Our　

affairs　prospered；　our　garners　were　full；　and　there　was　coin　in　our　

purse。　　I　worked　in　the　field；　Winifred　busied　herself　with　the　

dairy。　　At　night　I　frequently　read　books　to　her；　books　of　my　own　

country；　friend；　I　likewise　read　to　her　songs　of　my　own；　holy　songs　

and　carols　which　she　admired；　and　which　yourself　would　perhaps　

admire；　could　you　understand　them；　but　I　repeat；　you　Saxons　are　an　

ignorant　people　with　respect　to　us；　and　a　perverse；　inasmuch　as　you　

despise　Welsh　without　understanding　it。　　Every　night　I　prayed　

fervently；　and　my　wife　admired　my　gift　of　prayer。



'One　night；　after　I　had　been　reading　to　my　wife　a　portion　of　Ellis　

Wyn；　my　wife　said；　〃This　is　a　wonderful　book；　and　containing　much　

true　and　pleasant　doctrine；　but　how　is　it　that　you；　who　are　so　fond　

of　good　books；　and　good　things　in　general；　never　read　the　Bible？　　

You　read　me　the　book　of　Master　Ellis　Wyn；　you　read　me　sweet　songs　

of　your　own　composition；　you　edify　me　with　your　gift　of　prayer；　but　

yet　you　never　read　the　Bible。〃　　And　when　I　heard　her　mention　the　

Bible　I　shook；　for　I　thought　of　my　own　condemnation。　　However；　I　

dearly　loved　my　wife；　and　as　she　pressed　me；　I　commenced　on　that　

very　night　reading　the　Bible。　　All　went　on　smoothly　for　a　long　

time；　for　months　and　months　I　did　not　find　the　fatal　passage；　so　

that　I　almost　thought　that　I　had　imagined　it。　　My　affairs　prospered　

much　the　while；　so　that　I　was　almost　happy；　…　taking　pleasure　in　

everything　around　me；　…　in　my　wife；　in　my　farm；　my　books　and　

compositions；　and　the　Welsh　language；　till　one　night；　as　I　wa