bickerstaff-partridge papers(比克一帕特拉奇文件)-第9部分
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compleated men and women that very night。 To prevent the disorders that
may happen upon this occasion； is the chief design of this paper。
Gentlemen have begun already to make use of this conjunction to
compass their filthy purposes。 They tell the ladies forsooth； that it is only
parting with a perishable commodity； hardly of so much value as a callico
under…petticoat； since； like its mistress； it will be useless in the form it is
now in。 If the ladies have no regard to the dishonour and immorality of the
action； I desire they will consider； that nature who never destroys her own
productions； will exempt big…belly'd women till the time of their lying…in；
so that not to be transformed； will be the same as to be pregnant。 If they
don't think it worth while to defend a fortress that is to be demolish'd in a
few days； let them reflect that it will be a melancholy thing nine months
hence； to be brought to bed of a bastard； a posthumous bastard as it were；
to which the quondam father can be no more than a dry nurse。
This wonderful transformation is the instrument of nature； to balance
matters between the sexes。 The cruelty of scornful mistresses shall be
return'd； the slighted maid shall grow into an imperious gallant； and
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reward her undoer with a big belly； and a bastard。
It is hardly possible to imagine the revolutions that this wonderful
phaenomenon will occasion over the face of the earth。 I long impatiently
to see the proceedings of the Parliament of Paris； as to the title of
succession to the crown； this being a case not provided for by the salique
law。 There will be no preventing disorders amongst friars and monks； for
certainly vows of chastity do not bind but under the sex in which they
were made。 The same will hold good with marriages； tho' I think it will be
a scandal amongst Protestants for husbands and wives to part； since there
remains still a possibility to perform the debitus conjugale； by the husband
being femme couverte。 I submit it to the judgment of the gentlemen of the
long robe； whether this transformation does not discharge all suits of
rapes？
The Pope must undergo a new groping； but the false prophet Mahomet
has contriv'd matters well for his successors； for as the Grand Signior has
now a great many fine women； he will then have as many fine young
gentelmen； at his devotion。
These are surprizing scenes； but I beg leave to affirm； that the solemn
operations of nature are subjects of contemplation； not of ridicule。
Therefore I make it my earnest request to the merry fellows； and giggling
girls about town； that they would not put themselves in a high twitter；
when they go to visit a general lying…in of his first child； his officers
serving as midwives； nurses and rockers dispensing caudle； or if they
behold the reverend prelates dressing the heads and airing the linnen at
court； I beg they will remember that these offices must be fill'd with
people of the greatest regularity； and best characters。 For the same reason；
I am sorry that a certain prelate； who notwithstanding his confinement （in
December 1723）； still preserves his healthy； chearful countenance； cannot
come in time to be a nurse at court。
I likewise earnestly intreat the maids of honour； （then ensigns and
captains of the guard） that； at their first setting out； they have some regard
to their former station； and do not run wild through all the infamous
houses about town： That the present grooms of the bed…chamber （then
maids of honour） would not eat chalk and lime in their green…sickness：
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And in general； that the men would remember they are become
retromingent； and not by inadvertency lift up against walls and posts。
Petticoats will not be burdensome to the clergy； but balls and
assemblies will be indecent for some time。
As for you； coquettes； bawds； and chamber…maids； （the future
ministers； plenipotentiaries； and cabinet…counsellors to the princes of the
earth；） manage the great intrigues that will be committed to your charge；
with your usual secrecy and conduct； and the affairs of your masters will
go better than ever。
O ye exchange women！ （our right worshipful representatives that are
to be） be not so griping in the sale of your ware as your predecessors； but
consider that the nation； like a spend…thrift heir； has run out： Be likewise a
little more continent in your tongues than you are at present； else the
length of debates will spoil your dinners。
You housewifely good women； who not preside over the confectionary；
（henceforth commissioners of the Treasury） be so good as to dispense the
sugar…plumbs of the Government with a more impartial and frugal hand。
Ye prudes and censorious old maids； （the hopes of the Bench） exert but
your usual talent of finding faults； and the laws will be strictly executed；
only I would not have you proceed upon such slender evidences as you
have done hitherto。
It is from you； eloquent oyster…merchants of Billingsgate； （just ready to
be called to the Bar； and quoif'd like your sister…serjants；） that we expect
the shortening the time； and lessening the expences of law…suits： For I
think you are observ'd to bring your debates to a short issue； and even
custom will restrain you from taking the oyster； and leaving only the shell
to your client。
O ye physicians； （who in the figure of old women are to clean the tripe
in the markets） scour it as effectually as you have done that of your
patients； and the town will fare most deliciously on Saturdays。
I cannot but congratulate human nature； upon this happy
transformation； the only expedient left to restore the liberties and
tranquillity of mankind。 This is so evident； that it is almost an affront to
common sense to insist upon the proof： If there can be any such stupid
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creature as to doubt it； I desire he will make but the following obvious
reflection。 There are in Europe alone； at present； about a million of sturdy
fellows； under the denomination of standing forces； with arms in their
hands： That those are masters of the lives； liberties and fortunes of all the
rest； I believe no body will deny。 It is no less true in fact； that reams of
paper； and above a square mile of skins of vellum have been employ'd to
no purpose； to settle peace among those sons of violence。 Pray； who is he
that will say unto them； Go and disband yourselves？ But lo！ by this
transformation it is done at once； and the halcyon days of publick
tranquillity return： For neither the military temper nor discipline can taint
the soft sex for a whole age to come： Bellaque matribus invisa； War odious
to mothers； will not grow immediately palatable in their paternal state。
Nor will the influence of this transformation be less in family
tranquillity； than it is in national。 Great faults will be amended； and
frailties forgiven； on both sides。 A wife who has been disturb'd with late
hours； and choak'd with the hautgout of a sot； will remember her
sufferings； and avoid the temptations； and will； for the same reason；
indulge her mate in his female capacity in some passions； which she is
sensible from experience are natural to the sex。 Such as vanity of fine
cloaths； being admir'd； etc。 And how tenderly must she use her mate under
the breeding qualms and labour…pains which she hath felt her self？ In short；
all unreasonable demands upon husbands must cease； because they are
already satisfy'd from natural experience that they are impossible。
That the ladies may govern the affairs of the world； and the gentlemen
those of their houshold； better than either of them have hitherto done； is
the hearty desire of； Their most sincere well…wisher； M。S。
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