50 bab ballads-第14部分
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He had achieved (as he believed)
Particularly neatly。
The actor rang the surgeon's bell。
〃Observe my wounded finger;
Be good enough to strap it well;
And prithee do not linger。
That I; dear sir; may fill again
The Theatre Royal Drury Lane:
This very night I have to fight …
So prithee do not linger。〃
〃I don't strap fingers up for doles;〃
Replied the haughty surgeon;
〃To use your cant; I don't play ROLES
Utility that verge on。
First amputation … nothing less …
That is my line of business:
We surgeon nobs despise all jobs
Utility that verge on
〃When in your hip there lurks disease〃
(So dreamt this lively dreamer);
〃Or devastating CARIES
In HUMERUS or FEMUR;
If you can pay a handsome fee;
Oh; then you may remember me …
With joy elate I'll amputate
Your HUMERUS or FEMUR。〃
The disconcerted actor ceased
The haughty leech to pester;
But when the wound in size increased;
And then began to fester;
He sought a learned Counsel's lair;
And told that Counsel; then and there;
How COBB'S neglect of his defect
Had made his finger fester。
〃Oh; bring my action; if you please;
The case I pray you urge on;
And win me thumping damages
From COBB; that haughty surgeon。
He culpably neglected me
Although I proffered him his fee;
So pray come down; in wig and gown;
On COBB; that haughty surgeon!〃
That Counsel learned in the laws;
With passion almost trembled。
He just had gained a mighty cause
Before the Peers assembled!
Said he; 〃How dare you have the face
To come with Common Jury case
To one who wings rhetoric flings
Before the Peers assembled?〃
Dispirited became our friend …
Depressed his moral pecker …
〃But stay! a thought! … I'll gain my end;
And save my poor exchequer。
I won't be placed upon the shelf;
I'll take it into Court myself;
And legal lore display before
The Court of the Exchequer。〃
He found a Baron … one of those
Who with our laws supply us …
In wig and silken gown and hose;
As if at NISI PRIUS。
But he'd just given; off the reel;
A famous judgment on Appeal:
It scarce became his heightened fame
To sit at NISI PRIUS。
Our friend began; with easy wit;
That half concealed his terror:
〃Pooh!〃 said the Judge; 〃I only sit
In BANCO or in Error。
Can you suppose; my man; that I'd
O'er NISI PRIUS Courts preside;
Or condescend my time to spend
On anything but Error?〃
〃Too bad;〃 said GIBBS; 〃my case to shirk!
You must be bad innately;
To save your skill for mighty work
Because it's valued greatly!〃
But here he woke; with sudden start。
* * * * * * * *
He wrote to say he'd play the part。
I've but to tell he played it well …
The author's words … his native wit
Combined; achieved a perfect 〃hit〃 …
The papers praised him greatly。
Ballad: THE TWO MAJORS。
AN excellent soldier who's worthy the name
Loves officers dashing and strict:
When good; he's content with escaping all blame;
When naughty; he likes to be licked。
He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed;
Or imprisoned for several days;
And hates; for a duty correctly performed;
To be slavered with sickening praise。
No officer sickened with praises his CORPS
So little as MAJOR LA GUERRE …
No officer swore at his warriors more
Than MAJOR MAKREDI PREPERE。
Their soldiers adored them; and every grade
Delighted to hear their abuse;
Though whenever these officers came on parade
They shivered and shook in their shoes。
For; oh! if LA GUERRE could all praises withhold;
Why; so could MAKREDI PREPERE;
And; oh! if MAKREDI could bluster and scold;
Why; so could the mighty LA GUERRE。
〃No doubt we deserve it … no mercy we crave …
Go on … you're conferring a boon;
We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave;
Than praised by a wretched poltroon!〃
MAKREDI would say that in battle's fierce rage
True happiness only was met:
Poor MAJOR MAKREDI; though fifty his age;
Had never known happiness yet!
LA GUERRE would declare; 〃With the blood of a foe
No tipple is worthy to clink。〃
Poor fellow! he hadn't; though sixty or so;
Yet tasted his favourite drink!
They agreed at their mess … they agreed in the glass …
They agreed in the choice of their 〃set;〃
And they also agreed in adoring; alas!
The Vivandiere; pretty FILLETTE。
Agreement; you see; may be carried too far;
And after agreeing all round
For years … in this soldierly 〃maid of the bar;〃
A bone of contention they found!
It may seem improper to call such a pet …
By a metaphor; even … a bone;
But though they agreed in adoring her; yet
Each wanted to make her his own。
〃On the day that you marry her;〃 muttered PREPERE
(With a pistol he quietly played);
〃I'll scatter the brains in your noddle; I swear;
All over the stony parade!〃
〃I cannot do THAT to you;〃 answered LA GUERRE;
〃Whatever events may befall;
But this I CAN do … IF YOU wed her; MON CHER!
I'll eat you; moustachios and all!〃
The rivals; although they would never engage;
Yet quarrelled whenever they met;
They met in a fury and left in a rage;
But neither took pretty FILLETTE。
〃I am not afraid;〃 thought MAKREDI PREPERE:
〃For country I'm ready to fall;
But nobody wants; for a mere Vivandiere;
To be eaten; moustachios and all!
〃Besides; though LA GUERRE has his faults; I'll allow
He's one of the bravest of men:
My goodness! if I disagree with him now;
I might disagree with him then。〃
〃No coward am I;〃 said LA GUERRE; 〃as you guess …
I sneer at an enemy's blade;
But I don't want PREPERE to get into a mess
For splashing the stony parade!〃
One day on parade to PREPERE and LA GUERRE
Came CORPORAL JACOT DEBETTE;
And trembling all over; he prayed of them there
To give him the pretty FILLETTE。
〃You see; I am willing to marry my bride
Until you've arranged this affair;
I will blow out my brains when your honours decide
Which marries the sweet Vivandiere!〃
〃Well; take her;' said both of them in a duet
(A favourite form of reply);
〃But when I am ready to marry FILLETTE。
Remember you've promised to die!〃
He married her then: from the flowery plains
Of existence the roses they cull:
He lived and he died with his wife; and his brains
Are reposing in peace in his skull。
Ballad: EMILY; JOHN; JAMES; AND I。 A DERBY LEGEND。
EMILY JANE was a nursery maid;
JAMES was a bold Life Guard;
JOHN was a constable; poorly paid
(And I am a doggerel bard)。
A very good girl was EMILY JANE;
JIMMY was good and true;
JOHN was a very good man in the main
(And I am a good man too)。
Rivals for EMMIE were JOHNNY and JAMES;
Though EMILY liked them both;
She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims
(And I couldn't take my oath)。
But sooner or later you're certain to find
Your sentiments can't lie hid …
JANE thought it was time that she made up her mind
(And I think it was time she did)。
Said JANE; with a smirk; and a blush on her face;
〃I'll promise to wed the boy
Who takes me to…morrow to Epsom Race!〃
(Which I would have done; with joy)。
From JOHNNY escaped an expression of pain;
But Jimmy said; 〃Done with you!
I'll take you with pleasure; my EMILY JANE!〃
(And I would have said so too)。
JOHN lay on the ground; and he roared like mad
(For JOHNNY was sore perplexed);
And he kicked very hard at a very small lad
(Which I often do; when vexed)。
For JOHN was on duty next day with the Force;
To punish all Epsom crimes;
Young people WILL cross when they're clearing the course
(I do it myself; sometimes)。
* * * * * * * *
The Derby Day sun glittered gaily on cads;
On maidens with gamboge hair;
On sharpers and pickpockets; swindlers and pads;
(For I; with my harp; was there)。
And JIMMY went down with his JANE that day;
And JOHN by the collar or nape
Seized everybody who came in his way
(And I had a narrow escape)。
He noticed his EMILY JANE with JIM;
And envied the well…made elf;
And people remarked that he muttered 〃Oh; dim!〃
(I often say 〃dim!〃 myself)。
JOHN dogged them all day; without asking their leaves;
For his sergeant he told; aside;
That JIMMY and JANE were notorious thieves
(And I think he was justified)。
But JAMES wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork;
And JENNY would blush with shame
At stealing so much as a bottle or cork
(A bottle I think fair game)。
But; ah! there's another more serious crime!
They wickedly strayed upon
The course; at a critical moment of time
(I pointed them out to JOHN)。
The constable fell on the pair in a crack …
And then; with a demon smile;
Let JENNY cross over; but sent JIMMY back
(I played on my harp the while)。
Stern JOHNNY their agony loud derides
With a very triumphant sneer …
They weep and they wail from the opposite sides
(And I shed a silent tear)。
And JENNY is crying away like mad;
And JIMMY is swearing hard;
And JOHNNY is looking uncommonly glad
(And I am a doggerel bard)。
But JIMMY he ventured on crossing again
The scenes of our Isthmian Games …
JOHN caught him; and collared him; giving him pain
(I felt very much for JAMES)。
JOHN led him away with a victor's hand;
And JIMMY was shortly seen
In the station…house under the grand Grand Stand
(As many a time I'VE been)。
And JIMMY; bad boy; was imprisoned for life;
Though EMILY pleaded hard;
And JOHNNY had EMILY JANE to wife
(And I am a doggerel bard)。
Ballad: THE PERILS OF INVISIBILITY。
OLD PETER led a wretched life …
Old PETER had a furious wife;
Old PETER too was truly stout;
He measured several yards about。
The little fairy PICKLEKIN
One summer afternoon looked in;
And said; 〃Old PETER; how de do?
Can I do anything for you?
〃I have t