the awakening and selected short stories(苏醒)-第35部分
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It lay in a long braid on the sofa pillow； coiled like a golden serpent。 The
nurse； a comfortable looking Griffe woman in white apron and cap； was
urging her to return to her bedroom。
〃There is no use； there is no use；〃 she said at once to Edna。 〃We must
get rid of Mandelet； he is getting too old and careless。 He said he would be
here at half…past seven； now it must be eight。 See what time it is；
Josephine。〃
The woman was possessed of a cheerful nature； and refused to take
any situation too seriously； especially a situation withwhich she was so
familiar。 She urged Madame to have courage and patience。 But
Madame only set her teeth hard into her under lip； and Edna saw the sweat
gather in beads on her white forehead。 After a moment or two she
uttered a profound sigh and wiped her face with the handkerchief rolled in
a ball。 She appeared exhausted。 The nurse gave her a fresh
handkerchief； sprinkled with cologne water。
〃This is too much！〃 she cried。 〃Mandelet ought to be killed！ Where
is Alphonse？ Is it possible I am to be abandoned like this…neglected by
every one？〃
〃Neglected； indeed！〃 exclaimed the nurse。 Wasn't she there？ And
here was Mrs。 Pontellier leaving； no doubt； a pleasant evening at home to
devote to her？ And wasn't Monsieur Ratignolle coming that very instant
through the hall？ And Josephine was quite sure she had heard Doctor
Mandelet's coupe。 Yes； there it was； down at the door。
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Adele consented to go back to her room。 She sat on the edge of a
little low couch next to her bed。
Doctor Mandelet paid no attention to Madame Ratignolle's
upbraidings。 He was accustomed to them at such times； and was too well
convinced of her loyalty to doubt it。
He was glad to see Edna； and wanted her to go with him into the salon
and entertain him。 But Madame Ratignolle would not consent that Edna
should leave her for an instant。 Between agonizing moments； she chatted
a little； and said it took her mind off her sufferings。
Edna began to feel uneasy。 She was seized with a vague dread。 Her
own like experiences seemed far away； unreal； and only half remembered。
She recalled faintly an ecstasy of pain； the heavy odor of chloroform； a
stupor which had deadened sensation； and an awakening to find a little
new life to which she had given being； added to the great unnumbered
multitude of souls that come and go。
She began to wish she had not come； her presence was not necessary。
She might have invented a pretext for staying away； she might even invent
a pretext now for going。 But Edna did not go。 With an inward agony；
with a flaming； outspoken revolt against the ways of Nature； she witnessed
the scene of torture。
She was still stunned and speechless with emotion when later she
leaned over her friend to kiss her and softly say good…by。 Adele； pressing
her cheek； whispered in an exhausted voice： 〃Think of the children； Edna。
Oh think of the children！ Remember them！〃
XXXVIII
Edna still felt dazed when she got outside in the open air。 The Doctor's
coupe had returned for him and stood before the porte cochere。 She did
not wish to enter the coupe； and told Doctor Mandelet she would walk； she
was not afraid； and would go alone。 He directed his carriage to meet him
at Mrs。 Pontellier's； and he started to walk home with her。
Upaway up； over the narrow street between the tall houses； the stars
were blazing。 The air was mild and caressing； but cool with the breath of
spring and the night。 They walked slowly； the Doctor with a heavy；
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measured tread and his hands behind him； Edna； in an absent…minded way；
as she had walked one night at Grand Isle； as if her thoughts had gone
ahead of her and she was striving to overtake them。
〃You shouldn't have been there； Mrs。 Pontellier；〃 he said。 〃That was no
place for you。 Adele is full of whims at such times。 There were a dozen
women she might have had with her； unimpressionable women。 I felt
that it was cruel； cruel。 You shouldn't have gone。〃
〃Oh； well！〃 she answered； indifferently。 〃I don't know that it matters
after all。 One has to think of the children some time or other； the sooner
the better。〃
〃When is Leonce coming back？〃
〃Quite soon。 Some time in March。〃
〃And you are going abroad？〃
〃Perhapsno； I am not going。 I'm not going to be forced into doing
things。 I don't want to go abroad。 I want to be let alone。 Nobody has
any rightexcept children； perhapsand even then； it seems to meor it
did seem〃 She felt that her speech was voicing the incoherency of her
thoughts； and stopped abruptly。
〃The trouble is；〃 sighed the Doctor； grasping her meaning intuitively；
〃that youth is given up to illusions。 It seems to be a provision of Nature；
a decoy to secure mothers for the race。 And Nature takes no account of
moral consequences； of arbitrary conditions which we create； and which
we feel obliged to maintain at any cost。〃
〃Yes；〃 she said。 〃The years that are gone seem like dreamsif one
might go on sleeping and dreamingbut to wake up and findoh！ well！
perhaps it is better to wake up after all； even to suffer； rather than to
remain a dupe to illusions all one's life。〃
〃It seems to me； my dear child；〃 said the Doctor at parting； holding her
hand； 〃you seem to me to be in trouble。 I am not going to ask for your
confidence。 I will only say that if ever you feel moved to give it to me；
perhaps I might help you。 I know I would understand； And I tell you
there are not many who wouldnot many； my dear。〃
〃Some way I don't feel moved to speak of things that trouble me。
Don't think I am ungrateful or that I don't appreciate your sympathy。
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There are periods of despondency and suffering which take possession of
me。 But I don't want anything but my own way。 That is wanting a good
deal； of course； when you have to trample upon the lives； the hearts； the
prejudices of othersbut no matter…still； I shouldn't want to trample upon
the little lives。 Oh！ I don't know what I'm saying； Doctor。 Good night。
Don't blame me for anything。〃
〃Yes； I will blame you if you don't come and see me soon。 We will talk
of things you never have dreamt of talking about before。 It will do us
both good。 I don't want you to blame yourself； whatever comes。 Good
night； my child。〃
She let herself in at the gate； but instead of entering she sat upon the
step of the porch。 The night was quiet and soothing。 All the tearing
emotion of the last few hours seemed to fall away from her like a somber；
uncomfortable garment； which she had but to loosen to be rid of。 She went
back to that hour before Adele had sent for her； and her senses kindled
afresh in thinking of Robert's words； the pressure of his arms； and the
feeling of his lips upon her own。 She could picture at that moment no
greater bliss on earth than possession of the beloved one。 His expression
of love had already given him to her in part。 When she thought that he
was there at hand； waiting for her； she grew numb with the intoxication of
expectancy。 It was so late； he would be asleep perhaps。 She would
awaken him with a kiss。 She hoped he would be asleep that she might
arouse him with her caresses。
Still； she remembered Adele's voice whispering； 〃Think of the children；
think of them。〃 She meant to think of them； that determination had driven
into her soul like a death woundbut not to…night。 To…morrow would be
time to think of everything。
Robert was not waiting for her in the little parlor。 He was nowhere at
hand。 The house was empty。 But he had scrawled on a piece of paper
that lay in the lamplight：
〃I love you。 Good…bybecause I love you。〃
Edna grew faint when she read the words。 She went and sat on the
sofa。 Then she stretched herself out there； never uttering a sound。 She
did not sleep。 She did not go to bed。 The lamp sputtered and went out。
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She was still awake in the morning； when Celestine unlocked the kitchen
door and came in to light the fire。
XXXIX
Victor； with hammer and nails and scraps
