the dwelling place of ligh-第36部分

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the　best；　the　immediate　capitulation　he　had　expected　would　have　made
matters　far　less　difficult。　　But　these　scruples　of　hers；　so　startlingly
his　own；　her　disquieting　insight　into　his　entire　mental　process　had　a
momentary　checking　effect；　summoned　up　the　vague　presage　of　a　future　that
might　become　extremely　troublesome　and　complicated。　　His　very　reluctance
to　discuss　with　her　the　problem　she　had　raised　warned　him　that　he　had
been　swept　into　deep　waters。　　On　the　other　hand；　her　splendid　resistance
appealed　to　him；　enhanced　her　value。　　And　accustomed　as　he　had　been　to　a
lifelong　self…gratification；　the　thought　of　being　balked　in　this　supreme
desire　was　not　to　be　borne。　　Such　were　the　shades　of　his　feeling　as　he
listened　to　her。

〃That's　nonsense！〃　he　exclaimed；　when　she　had　finished。　　〃You're　a　lady
I　know　all　about　your　family；　I　remember　hearing　about　it　when　your
father　came　hereit's　as　good　as　any　in　New　England。　　What　do　you
suppose　I　care；　Janet？　　We　love　each　otherI've　got　to　have　you。　　We'll
be　married　in　the　spring；　when　the　rush　is　over。〃

He　drew　her　to　him　once　more；　and　suddenly；　in　the　ardour　of　that
embrace；　he　felt　her　tenseness　suddenly　relaxas　though；　against　her
willand　her　passion；　as　she　gave　her　lips；　vied　with　his　own。　　Her
lithe　body　trembled　convulsively；　her　cheeks　were　wet　as　she　clung　to　him
and　hid　her　face　in　his　shoulder。　　His　sensations　in　the　presence　of　this
thing　he　had　summoned　up　in　her　were　incomprehensible；　surpassing　any　he
had　ever　known。　　It　was　no　longer　a　woman　he　held　in　his　arms；　the　woman
he　craved；　but　something　greater；　more　fearful；　the　mystery　of　sorrow　and
suffering；　of　creation　and　lifeof　the　universe　itself。

〃Janetaren't　you　happy？〃　he　said　again。

She　released　herself　and　smiled　at　him　wistfully　through　her　tears。

〃I　don't　know。　　What　I　feel　doesn't　seem　like　happiness。　　I　can't　believe
in　it；　somehow。〃

〃You　must　believe　in　it；〃　he　said。

〃I　can't；perhaps　I　may；　later。　　You'd　better　go　now；〃　she　begged。
〃You'll　miss　your　train。〃

He　glanced　at　the　office　clock。　　〃Confound　it；　I　have　to。　　Listen！　　I'll
be　back　this　evening；　and　I'll　get　that　little　car　of　mine〃

〃No；　not　to…nightI　don't　want　to　goto…night。〃

〃Why　not？〃

〃Not　to…night；〃　she　repeated。

　Well　then；　to…morrow。　　To…morrow's　Sunday。　　Do　you　know　where　the　Boat
Club　is　on　the　River　Boulevard？　　I'll　be　there；　to…morrow　morning　at　ten。
I'd　come　for　you；　to　your　house；〃　he　added　quickly；　〃but　we　don't　want
any　one　to　know；　yetdo　we？〃

She　shook　her　head。

〃We　must　keep　it　secret　for　a　while；〃　he　said。　　〃Wear　your　new　dressthe
blue　one。　　Good…byesweetheart。〃

He　kissed　her　again　and　hurried　out　of　the　office。。。。　　Boarding　the　train
just　as　it　was　about　to　start；　he　settled　himself　in　the　back　seat　of　the
smoker；　lit　a　cigar；　inhaling　deep　breaths　of　the　smoke　and　scarcely
noticing　an　acquaintance　who　greeted　him　from　the　aisle。　　Well；　he　had
done　it！　　He　was　amazed。　　He　had　not　intended　to　propose　marriage；　and
when　he　tried　to　review　the　circumstances　that　had　led　to　this　he　became
confused。　　But　when　he　asked　himself　whether　indeed　he　were　willing　to
pay　such　a　price；　to　face　the　revolution　marriageand　this　marriage　in
particularwould　mean　in　his　life；　the　tumult　in　his　blood　beat　down　his
incipient　anxieties。　　Besides；　he　possessed　the　kind　of　mind　able　to
throw　off　the　consideration　of　possible　consequences；　and　by　the　time　the
train　had　slowed　down　in　the　darkness　of　the　North　Station　in　Boston　all
traces　of　worry　had　disappeared。　　The　future　would　take　care　of　itself。

For　the　Bumpus　family；　supper　that　evening　was　an　unusually　harmonious
meal。　　Hannah's　satisfaction　over　the　new　stove　had　by　no　means　subsided；
and　Edward　ventured；　without　reproof；　to　praise　the　restored　quality　of
the　pie　crust。　　And　in　contrast　to　her　usual　moroseness　and　self…
absorption；　even　Lise　was　gaylargely　because　her　pet　aversion；　the
dignified　and　allegedly　amorous　Mr。　Waiters；　floor…walker　at　the
Bagatelle；　had　fallen　down　the　length　of　the　narrow　stairway　leading　from
the　cashier's　cage。　　She　became　almost　hysterical　with　glee　as　she
pictured　him　lying　prone　beneath　the　counter　dedicated　to　lingerie；
draped　with　various　garments　from　the　pile　that　toppled　over　on　him。
〃Ruby　Nash　picked　a　brassiere　off　his　whiskers！〃　Lise　shrieked。　　〃She
gave　the　pile　a　shove　when　he　landed。　　He's　got　her　number　all　right。
But　say；　it　was　worth　the　price　of　admission　to　see　that　old　mutt　when　he
got　up；　he　looked　like　Santa　Claus。　　All　the　girls　in　the　floor　were
there　we　nearly　split　trying　to　keep　from　giving　him　the　ha…ha。　　And　Ruby
says；　sympathetic；　as　she　brushed　him　off；　‘I　hope　you　ain't　hurt；　Mr。
Waiters。'　He　was　sore！　　He　went　around　all　afternoon　with　a　bunch　on　his
coco　as　big　as　a　potato。〃　　So　vivid　was　Lise's　account　of　this　affair
which　apparently　she　regarded　as　compensation　for　many　days　of　drudgery…
that　even　Hannah　laughed；　though　deploring　a　choice　of　language　symbolic
of　a　world　she　feared　and　detested。

〃If　I　talked　like　you；〃　said　Lise；　〃they　wouldn't　understand　me。〃

Janet；　too；　was　momentarily　amused；　drawn　out　of　that　reverie　in　which
she　had　dwelt　all　day；　ever　since　Ditmar　had　left　for　Boston。　　Now　she
began　to　wonder　what　would　happen　if　she　were　suddenly　to　announce　〃I'm
going　to　marry　Mr。　Ditmar。〃　　After　the　first　shock　of　amazement；　she
could　imagine　her　father's　complete　and　complacent　acceptance　of　the　news
as　a　vindication　of　au　inherent　quality　in　the　Bumpus　blood。　　He　would
begin　to　talk　about　the　family。　　For；　despite　what　might　have　been　deemed
a　somewhat　disillusionizing　experience；　in　the　depths　of　his　being　he
still　believed　in　the　Providence　who　had　presided　over　the　perilous
voyage　of　the　Mayflower　and　the　birth　of　Peregrine　White；　whose
omniscient　mind　was　peculiarly　concerned　with　the　family　trees　of
Puritans。　　And　what　could　be　a　more　striking　proof　of　the　existence　of
this　Providence；　or　a　more　fitting　acknowledgment　on　his　part　of　the
Bumpus　virtues；　than　that　Janet　should　become　the　wife　of　the　agent　of
the　Chippering　Mills？　　Janet　smiled。　　She　was　amused；　too；　by　the　thought
that　Lise's　envy　would　be　modified　by　the　prospect　of　a　heightened　social
status；　since　Lise；　it　will　be　remembered；　had　her　Providence　likewise。
Hannah's　god　was　not　a　Providence；　but　one　deeply　skilled　in　persecution；
in　ingenious　methods　of　torture；　one　who　would　not　hesitate　to　dangle
baubles　before　the　eyes　of　his　childrenonly　to　snatch　them　away　again。
Hannah's　pessimism　would　persist　as　far　as　the　altar；　and　beyond！

On　the　whole；　such　was　Janet's　notion　of　the　Deity；　though　deep　within
her　there　may　have　existed　a　hope　that　he　might　be　outwitted；　that；　by
dint　of　energy　and　brains；　the　fair　things　of　life　might　be　obtained
despite　a　malicious　opposition。　　And　she　loved　Ditmar。　　This　must　be　love
she　felt；　this　impatience　to　see　him　again；　this　desire　to　be　with　him；
this　agitation　possessing　her　so　utterly　that　all　day　long　she　had　dwelt
in　an　unwonted　state　like　a　somnambulism：　it　must　be　love；　though　not
resembling　in　the　least　the　generally　accepted；　virginal　ideal。　　She　saw
him　as　he　was；　crude；　powerful；　relentless　in　his　desire；　his　very　faults
appealed。　　His　passion　had　overcome　his　prudence；　he　had　not　intended　to
propose；　but　any　shame　she　felt　on　this　score　was　put　to　flight　by　a
fierce　exultation　over　the　fact　that　she　had　brought　him　to　her　feet；
that　he　wanted　her　enough　to　marry　her。　　It　was　wonderful　to　be　wanted
like　that！　　But　she　could　not　achieve　the　mental　picture　of　herself　as
Ditmar's　wifeespecially　when；　later　in　the　evening；　she　walked　up
Warren　Street　and　stood　gazing　at　his　house　from　the　opposite　pavement。
She　simply　could　not　imagine　herself　living　in　that　house　as　its
mistress。　　Notwithstanding　the　testimony　of　the　movies；　such　a
Cinderella…like　transition　was　not　within　the　realm　of　probable　facts；
things　just　didn't　happen　that　way。

She　recalled　the　awed　exclamation　of　Eda　when　they　had　walked　together
along　Warren　Street　on　that　evening　in　summer：　〃How　would　you　like　to
live　there！〃and　hot　with　sudden　embarrassment　and　resentment　she　had
dragged　her　friend　onward；　to　the　corner。　　In　spite　of　its　size；　of　the
spaciousness　of　existence　it　suggested；　the　house　had　not　appealed　to　her
then。　　Janet　did　not　herself　realize　or　estimate　the　innate　if
undeveloped　sense　of　form　she　possessed；　the　artist…instinct　that　made
her　breathless　on　first　beholding　Silliston　Common。　　And　then　the　vision
of　Silliston　had　still　been　bright；　but　now　the　light　of　a　slender　moon
was　as　a　gossamer　silver　veil　through　which　she　beheld　the　house；　as　in　a
stage　setting；　softening　and　obscuring　its　lines；　lending　it　qualities　of
dignity　and　glamour　that　made　it　seem　remote；　unreal；　unattainable。　　And
she　felt　a　sudden；　overwhelming　longing；　as　though　her　breast　would
burst。。。。

Through　the　drawn　blinds　the　lights　in　the　second　storey　gleamed　yellow。
A　dim　lamp　burned　in　the　deep　vestibule；　as　in　a　sanctuary。　　And　then；　as
though　some　supernaturally　penetrating　ray　had　pierced　a　square　hole　in
the　lower　walls；　a　glimpse　of　the　interior　was　revealed　to　her；　of　the
living　room　at　the　north　end　of　the　house。　　Two　figures　chased　one
another　around　the　centre　tableDitmar's　children！　　Was　Ditmar　there？
Impelled　irresistibly　by　a　curiosity　overcoming　repugnance　and　fear；　she
went　forward　slowly　across　the　street；　gained　the　farther　pavement；
stepped　over　the　concrete　coping；　and　stood；　shivering　violently；　on　the
lawn；　feeling　like　an　interloper　and　a　thief；　yet　held　by　morbid
fascination。　　The　children　continued　to　romp。　　The　boy　was　strong　and
swift；　the　girl　stout　and　ungainly　in　her　movements；　not　mistress　of　her
body；　he　caught　her　and　twisted　her　arm；　roughlyJanet　could　hear　her
cries　through　the　window…=when　an　elderly　woman　entered；　seized　him；
struggling　with　him。　　He　put　out　his　tongue　at　her；　but　presently
released　his　sister；　who　stood　rubbing　her　arm；　her　lips　moving　in
evident　recrimination　and　complaint。　　The　faces　of　the　two　were　plain
now；　the　boy　resembled　Ditmar；　but　the　features　of　the　girl；　heavy　and
stamped　with　self…indulgence；　were　evidently　remini