villa rubein and other stories-第22部分

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same　trustyet　it　sometimes　seems　as　if　I　were　a　criminal　in　loving

you。　　You　know　what　he　thinkshe　is　too　honest　not　to　have　shown

you。　　He　has　talked　to　me；　he　likes　you　in　a　way；　but　you　are　a

foreignerhe　says…your　life　is　not　my　life。　　'He　is　not　the　man　for

you！'　　Those　were　his　words。　　And　now　he　doesn't　talk　to　me；　but　when

I　am　in　the　room　he　looks　at　methat's　worsea　thousand　times；　when

he　talks　it　rouses　me　to　fightwhen　it's　his　eyes　only；　I'm　a　coward

at　once；　I　feel　I　would　do　anything；　anything；　only　not　to　hurt　him。

Why　can't　he　see？　　Is　it　because　he's　old　and　we　are　young？　　He　may

consent；　but　he　will　never；　never　see；　it　will　always　hurt　him。



〃I　want　to　tell　you　everything；　I　have　had　worse　thoughts　than　these…

…sometimes　I　have　thought　that　I　should　never　have　the　courage　to

face　the　struggle　which　you　have　to　face。　　Then　I　feel　quite　broken；

it　is　like　something　giving　way　in　me。　　Then　I　think　of　you；　and　it

is　over；　but　it　has　been　there；　and　I　am　ashamedI　told　you　I　was　a

coward。　　It's　like　the　feeling　one　would　have　going　out　into　a　storm

on　a　dark　night；　away　from　a　warm　fireonly　of　the　spirit　not　the

bodywhich　makes　it　worse。　　I　had　to　tell　you　this；　you　mustn't

think　of　it　again；　I　mean　to　fight　it　away　and　forget　that　it　has

ever　been　there。　　But　Uncle　Nicwhat　am　I　to　do？　　I　hate　myself

because　I　am　young；　and　he　is　old　and　weaksometimes　I　seem　even　to

hate　him。　　I　have　all　sorts　of　thoughts；　and　always　at　the　end　of

them；　like　a　dark　hole　at　the　end　of　a　passage；　the　thought　that　I

ought　to　give　you　up。　　Ought　I？　　Tell　me。　　I　want　to　know；　I　want　to

do　what　is　right；　I　still　want　to　do　that；　though　sometimes　I　think　I

am　all　made　of　evil。



〃Do　you　remember　once　when　we　were　talking；　you　said：　'Nature　always

has　an　answer　for　every　question；　you　cannot　get　an　answer　from　laws；

conventions；　theories；　words；　only　from　Nature。'　　What　do　you　say　to

me　now；　do　you　tell　me　it　is　Nature　to　come　to　you　in　spite　of

everything；　and　so；　that　it　must　be　right？　　I　think　you　would；　but

can　it　be　Nature　to　do　something　which　will　hurt　terribly　one　whom　I

love　and　who　loves　me？　　If　it　isNature　is　cruel。　　Is　that　one　of

the　'lessons　of　life'？　　Is　that　what　Aunt　Constance　means　when　she

says：　'If　life　were　not　a　paradox；　we　could　not　get　on　at　all'？　　I　am

beginning　to　see　that　everything　has　its　dark　side；　I　never　believed

that　before。



〃Uncle　Nic　dreads　the　life　for　me；　he　doesn't　understand　（how　should

he？he　has　always　had　money）　how　life　can　be　tolerable　without　money

it　is　horrible　that　the　accident　of　money　should　make　such

difference　in　our　lives。　　I　am　sometimes　afraid　myself；　and　I　can't

outface　that　fear　in　him；　he　sees　the　shadow　of　his　fear　in　mehis

eyes　seem　to　see　everything　that　is　in　me　now；　the　eyes　of　old　people

are　the　saddest　things　in　the　world。　　I　am　writing　like　a　wretched

coward；　but　you　will　never　see　this　letter　I　suppose；　and　so　it

doesn't　matter；　but　if　you　do；　and　I　pray　that　you　maywell；　if　I　am

only　worth　taking　at　my　best；　I　am　not　worth　taking　at　all。　　I　want

you　to　know　the　worst　of　meyou；　and　no　one　else。



〃With　Uncle　Nic　it　is　not　as　with　my　stepfather；　his　opposition　only

makes　me　angry；　mad；　ready　to　do　anything；　but　with　Uncle　Nic　I　feel

so　bruisedso　sore。　　He　said：　'It　is　not　so　much　the　money；　because

there　is　always　mine。'　　I　could　never　do　a　thing　he　cannot　bear；　and

take　his　money；　and　you　would　never　let　me。　　One　knows　very　little　of

anything　in　the　world　till　trouble　comes。　　You　know　how　it　is　with

flowers　and　trees；　in　the　early　spring　they　look　so　quiet　and　self…

contained；　then　all　in　a　moment　they　changeI　think　it　must　be　like

that　with　the　heart。　　I　used　to　think　I　knew　a　great　deal；　understood

why　and　how　things　came　about；　I　thought　self…possession　and　reason

so　easy；　now　I　know　nothing。　　And　nothing　in　the　world　matters　but　to

see　you　and　hide　away　from　that　look　in　Uncle　Nic's　eyes。　　Three

months　ago　I　did　not　know　you；　now　I　write　like　this。　　Whatever　I

look　at；　I　try　to　see　as　you　would　see；　I　feel；　now　you　are　away　even

more　than　when　you　were　with　me；　what　your　thoughts　would　be；　how　you

would　feel　about　this　or　that。　　Some　things　you　have　said　seem　always

in　my　mind　like　lights〃



A　slanting　drift　of　rain　was　striking　the　veranda　tiles　with　a　cold；

ceaseless　hissing。　　Christian　shut　the　window；　and　went　into　her

uncle's　room。



He　was　lying　with　closed　eyes；　growling　at　Dominique；　who　moved　about

noiselessly；　putting　the　room　ready　for　the　night。　　When　he　had

finished；　and　with　a　compassionate　bow　had　left　the　room；　Mr。　Treffry

opened　his　eyes；　and　said：



〃This　is　beastly　stuff　of　the　doctor's；　Chris；　it　puts　my　monkey　up；

I　can't　help　swearing　after　I've　taken　it；　it's　as　beastly　as　a

vulgar　woman's　laugh；　and　I　don't　know　anything　beastlier　than　that！〃



〃I　have　a　letter　from　Greta；　Uncle　Nic；　shall　I　read　it？〃



He　nodded；　and　Christian　read　the　letter；　leaving　out　the　mention　of

Harz；　and　for　some　undefined　reason　the　part　about　Sarelli。



〃Ay！〃　said　Mr。　Treffry　with　a　feeble　laugh；　〃Greta　and　her　money！

Send　her　some　more；　Chris。　　Wish　I　were　a　youngster　again；　that's　a

beast　of　a　proverb　about　a　dog　and　his　day。　　I'd　like　to　go　fishing

again　in　the　West　Country！　　A　fine　time　we　had　when　we　were

youngsters。　　You　don't　get　such　times　these　days。　　'Twasn't　often　the

fishing…smacks　went　out　without　us。　　We'd　watch　their　lights　from　our

bedroom　window；　when　they　were　swung　aboard　we　were　out　and　down　to

the　quay　before　you　could　say　'knife。'　　They　always　waited　for　us；

but　your　Uncle　Dan　was　the　favourite；　he　was　the　chap　for　luck。　　When

I　get　on　my　legs；　we　might　go　down　there；　you　and　I？　　For　a　bit；　just

to　see？　　What　d'you　say；　old　girl？〃



Their　eyes　met。



〃I'd　like　to　look　at　the　smack　lights　going　to　sea　on　a　dark　night；

pity　you're　such　a　duffer　in　a　boatwe　might　go　out　with　them。　　Do

you　a　power　of　good！　　You're　not　looking　the　thing；　my　dear。〃



His　voice　died　wistfully；　and　his　glance；　sweeping　her　face；　rested

on　her　hands；　which　held　and　twisted　Greta's　letter。　　After　a　minute

or　two　of　silence　he　boomed　out　again　with　sudden　energy：



〃Your　aunt'll　want　to　come　and　sit　with　me；　after　dinner；　don't　let

her；　Chris；　I　can't　stand　it。　　Tell　her　I'm　asleepthe　doctor'll　be

here　directly；　ask　him　to　make　up　some　humbug　for　youit's　his

business。〃



He　was　seized　by　a　violent　fit　of　pain　which　seemed　to　stab　his

breath　away；　and　when　it　was　over　signed　that　he　would　be　left　alone。

Christian　went　back　to　her　letter　in　the　other　room；　and　had　written

these　words；　when　the　gong　summoned　her　to　dinner：



'I'm　like　a　leaf　in　the　wind；　I　put　out　my　hand　to　one　thing；　and

it's　seized　and　twisted　and　flung　aside。　　I　want　youI　want　you；　if

I　could　see　you　I　think　I　should　know　what　to　do〃









XXII



The　rain　drove　with　increasing　fury。　　The　night　was　very　black。

Nicholas　Treffry　slept　heavily。　　By　the　side　of　his　bed　the　night…

lamp　cast　on　to　the　opposite　wall　a　bright　disc　festooned　by　the

hanging　shadow　of　the　ceiling。　　Christian　was　leaning　over　him。　　For

the　moment　he　filled　all　her　heart；　lying　there；　so　helpless。　Fearful

of　waking　him　she　slipped　into　the　sitting…room。　　Outside　the　window

stood　a　man　with　his　face　pressed　to　the　pane。　　Her　heart　thumped；

she　went　up　and　unlatched　the　window。　　It　was　Harz；　with　the　rain

dripping　off　him。　　He　let　fall　his　hat　and　cape。



〃You！〃　she　said；　touching　his　sleeve。　　〃You！　　You！〃



He　was　sodden　with　wet；　his　face　drawn　and　tired；　a　dark　growth　of

beard　covered　his　cheeks　and　chin。



〃Where　is　your　uncle？〃　he　said；　〃I　want　to　see　him。〃



She　put　her　hand　up　to　his　lips；　but　he　caught　it　and　covered　it　with

kisses。



〃He's　asleepillspeak　gently！〃



〃I　came　to　him　first；〃　he　muttered。



Christian　lit　the　lamp；　and　he　looked　at　her　hungrily　without　a　word。



〃It's　not　possible　to　go　on　like　this；　I　came　to　tell　your　uncle　so。

He　is　a　man。　　As　for　the　other；　I　want　to　have　nothing　to　do　with

him！　　I　came　back　on　foot　across　the　mountains。　　It's　not　possible　to

go　on　like　this；　Christian。〃



She　handed　him　her　letter。　　He　held　it　to　the　light；　clearing　his

brow　of　raindrops。　　When　he　had　read　to　the　last　word　he　gave　it　her

back；　and　whispered：　〃Come！〃



Her　lips　moved；　but　she　did　not　speak。



〃While　this　goes　on　I　can't　work；　I　can　do　nothing。　　I　can'tI　won't

bargain　with　my　work；　if　it's　to　be　that；　we　had　better　end　it。　　What

are　we　waiting　for？　　Sooner　or　later　we　must　come　to　this。　　I'm　sorry

that　he's　ill；　God　knows！　　But　that　changes　nothing。　　To　wait　is

tying　me　hand　and　footit's　making　me　afraid！　　Fear　kills！　　It　will

kill　you！　　It　kills　work；　and　I　must　work；　I　can't　waste　timeI

won't！　　I　will　sooner　give　you　up。〃　　He　put　his　hands　on　her

shoulders。　　〃I　love　you！　　I　want　you！　　Look　in　my　eyes　and　see　if　you

dare　hold　back！〃



Christian　stood　with　the　grip　of　his　strong　hands　on　her　shoulders；

without　a　movement　or　sign。　　Her　face　was　very　white。　　And　suddenly

he　began　to　kiss　that　pale；　still　face；　to　kiss　its　eyes　and　lips；　to

kiss　it　from　its　chin　up　to　its　hair；　and　it　stayed　pale；　as　a　white

flower；　beneath　those　kissesas　a　white　flower；　whose　stalk　the

fingers　bend　back　a　little。



There　was　a　sound　of　knocking　on　the　wall；　Mr。　Treffry　called　feebly。

Christian　broke　away　from　Harz。



〃To…morrow！〃　he　whispered；　and　picking　up　his　hat　and　cloak；　went　out

again　into　the　rain。









XXIII



It　was　not　till　morning　that　Christian　fell　into　a　troubled　sleep。

She　dreamed　that　a　voice　was　calling　her；　and　she　was　filled　with　a

helpless；　dumb　dream　terror。



When　she　woke　the　light　was　streaming　in；　it　was　Sunday；　and　the

cathedral　bells　were　chiming。　　Her　first　thought　was　of　Harz。　　One

step；　one　moment　of　courage！　　Why　had　she　not　told　her　uncle？　　If　he

had　only　as