villa rubein and other stories-第41部分

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were　silent　toogreat　trees　have　that　effect　on　me。。。。



〃Who　can　say　when　changes　come？　　Like　a　shift　of　the　wind；　the　old

passes；　the　new　is　on　you。　　I　am　telling　you　now　of　a　change　like

that。　　Without　a　sign　of　warning；　Eilie　put　her　horse　into　a　gallop。

'What　are　you　doing？'　I　shouted。　　She　looked　back　with　a　smile；　then

he　dashed　past　me　too。　　A　hornet　might　have　stung　them　both：　they

galloped　over　fallen　trees；　under　low　hanging　branches；　up　hill　and

down。　　I　had　to　watch　that　madness！　　My　horse　was　not　so　fast。　　I

rode　like　a　demon；　but　fell　far　behind。　　I　am　not　a　man　who　takes

things　quietly。　　When　I　came　up　with　them　at　last；　I　could　not　speak

for　rage。　　They　were　riding　side　by　side；　the　reins　on　the　horses'

necks；　looking　in　each　other's　faces。　　'You　should　take　care；'　I

said。　　'Care！'　she　cried；　'life　is　not　all　taking　care！'　　My　anger

left　me。　　I　dropped　behind；　as　grooms　ride　behind　their　mistresses。。。

Jealousy！　　No　torture　is　so　ceaseless　or　so　black。。。。　　In　those

minutes　a　hundred　things　came　up　in　mea　hundred　memories；　true；

untrue；　what　do　I　know？　　My　soul　was　poisoned。　　I　tried　to　reason

with　myself。　　It　was　absurd　to　think　such　things！　　It　was　unmanly。。。。

Even　if　it　were　true；　one　should　try　to　be　a　gentleman！　　But　I　found

myself　laughing；　yes；　sir；　laughing　at　that　word。〃　　He　spoke　faster；

as　if　pouring　his　heart　out　not　to　a　live　listener；　but　to　the　night。

〃I　could　not　sleep　that　night。　　To　lie　near　her　with　those　thoughts

in　my　brain　was　impossible！　　I　made　an　excuse；　and　sat　up　with　some

papers。　　The　hardest　thing　in　life　is　to　see　a　thing　coming　and　be

able　to　do　nothing　to　prevent　it。　　What　could　I　do？　　Have　you　noticed

how　people　may　become　utter　strangers　without　a　word？　　It　only　needs

a　thought。。。。　　The　very　next　day　she　said：　'I　want　to　go　to　Lucy's。'

'Alone？'　　'Yes。'　　I　had　made　up　my　mind　by　then　that　she　must　do　just

as　she　wished。　　Perhaps　I　acted　wrongly；　I　do　not　know　what　one　ought

to　do　in　such　a　case；　but　before　she　went　I　said　to　her：　'Eilie；　what

is　it？'　　'I　don't　know；'　she　answered；　and　I　kissed　herthat　was

all。。。。　　A　month　passed；　I　wrote　to　her　nearly　every　day；　and　I　had

short　letters　from　her；　telling　me　very　little　of　herself。　　Dalton

was　a　torture　to　me；　for　I　could　not　tell　him；　he　had　a　conviction

that　she　was　going　to　become　a　mother。　　'Ah；　Brune！'　he　said；　'my

poor　wife　was　just　like　that。'　　Life；　sir；　is　a　somewhat　ironical

affair。。。！　　HeI　find　it　hard　to　speak　his　namecame　to　the　school

two　or　three　times　a　week。　　I　used　to　think　I　saw　a　change；　a　purpose

growing　up　through　his　recklessness；　there　seemed　a　violence　in　him

as　if　he　chafed　against　my　blade。　　I　had　a　kind　of　joy　in　feeling　I

had　the　mastery；　and　could　toss　the　iron　out　of　his　hand　any　minute

like　a　straw。　　I　was　ashamed；　and　yet　I　gloried　in　it。　　Jealousy　is　a

low　thing；　sira　low；　base　thing！　　When　he　asked　me　where　my　wife

was；　I　told　him；　I　was　too　proud　to　hide　it。　　Soon　after　that　he　came

no　more　to　the　school。



〃One　morning；　when　I　could　bear　it　no　longer；　I　wrote；　and　said　I　was

coming　down。　　I　would　not　force　myself　on　her；　but　I　asked　her　to

meet　me　in　the　orchard　of　the　old　house　we　called　the　Convent。　　I

asked　her　to　be　there　at　four　o'clock。　　It　has　always　been　my；　belief

that　a　man　must　neither　beg　anything　of　a　woman；　nor　force　anything

from　her。　　Women　are　generousthey　will　give　you　what　they　can。　　I

sealed　my　letter；　and　posted　it　myself。　　All　the　way　down　I　kept　on

saying　to　myself；　'She　must　comesurely　she　will　come！'









VII



〃I　was　in　high　spirits；　but　the　next　moment　trembled　like　a　man　with

ague。　　I　reached　the　orchard　before　my　time。　　She　was　not　there。　　You

know　what　it　is　like　to　wait？　　I　stood　still　and　listened；　I　went　to

the　point　whence　I　could　see　farthest；　I　said　to　myself；　'A　watched

pot　never　boils；　if　I　don't　look　for　her　she　will　come。'　　I　walked　up

and　down　with　my　eyes　on　the　ground。　　The　sickness　of　it！　　A　hundred

times　I　took　out　my　watch。。。。　Perhaps　it　was　fast；　perhaps　hers　was

slowI　can't　tell　you　a　thousandth　part　of　my　hopes　and　fears。

There　was　a　spring　of　water；　in　one　corner。　　I　sat　beside　it；　and

thought　of　the　last　time　I　had　been　thereand　something　seemed　to

burst　in　me。　　It　was　five　o'clock　before　I　lost　all　hope；　there　comes

a　time　when　you're　glad　that　hope　is　dead；　it　means　rest。　　'That's

over；'　you　say；　'now　I　can　act。'　　But　what　was　I　to　do？　　I　lay　down

with　my　face　to　the　ground；　when　one's　in　trouble；　it's　the　only

thing　that　helpssomething　to　press　against　and　cling　to　that　can't

give　way。　　I　lay　there　for　two　hours；　knowing　all　the　time　that　I

should　play　the　coward。　　At　seven　o'clock　I　left　the　orchard　and　went

towards　the　inn；　I　had　broken　my　word；　but　I　felt　happy。。。。　I　should

see　herand；　sir；　nothingnothing　seemed　to　matter　beside　that。

Tor　was　in　the　garden　snipping　at　his　roses。　　He　came　up；　and　I　could

see　that　he　couldn't　look　me　in　the　face。　　'Where's　my　wife？'　I　said。

He　answered；　'Let's　get　Lucy。'　　I　ran　indoors。　　Lucy　met　me　with　two

letters；　the　firstmy　ownunopened；　and　the　second；　this：



〃'I　have　left　you。　　You　were　good　to　me；　but　nowit　is　no　use。

　　　　　　　　　　EILIE。'〃



〃She　told　me　that　a　boy　had　brought　a　letter　for　my　wife　the　day

before；　from　a　young　gentleman　in　a　boat。　　When　Lucy　delivered　it　she

asked；　'Who　is　he；　Miss　Eilie？　　What　will　Mr。　Brune　say？'　　My　wife

looked　at　her　angrily；　but　gave　her　no　answerand　all　that　day　she

never　spoke。　　In　the　evening　she　was　gone；　leaving　this　note　on　the

bed。。。。　　Lucy　cried　as　if　her　heart　would　break。　　I　took　her　by　the

shoulders　and　put　her　from　the　room；　I　couldn't　bear　the　noise。　　I

sat　down　and　tried　to　think。　　While　I　was　sitting　there　Tor　came　in

with　a　letter。　　It　was　written　on　the　notepaper　of　an　inn　twelve

miles　up　the　river：　these　were　the　words。



〃'Eilie　is　mine。　　I　am　ready　to　meet　you　where　you　like。'〃



He　went　on　with　a　painful　evenness　of　speech。　　〃When　I　read　those

words；　I　had　only　one　thoughtto　reach　them；　I　ran　down　to　the

river；　and　chose　out　the　lightest　boat。　　Just　as　I　was　starting；　Tor

came　running。　　'You　dropped　this　letter；　sir；'　be　said。　　'Two　pair　of

arms　are　better　than　one。'　　He　came　into　the　boat。　　I　took　the　sculls

and　I　pulled　out　into　the　stream。　　I　pulled　like　a　madman；　and　that

great　man；　with　his　bare　arms　crossed；　was　like　a　huge；　tawny　bull

sitting　there　opposite　me。　　Presently　he　took　my　place；　and　I　took

the　rudder　lines。　　I　could　see　his　chest；　covered　with　hair；　heaving

up　and　down；　it　gave　me　a　sort　of　comfortit　meant　that　we　were

getting　nearer。　　Then　it　grew　dark；　there　was　no　moon；　I　could　barely

see　the　bank；　there's　something　in　the　dark　which　drives　one　into

oneself。　　People　tell　you　there　comes　a　moment　when　your　nature　is

decided'saved'　or　'lost'　as　they　call　itfor　good　or　evil。　　That

is　not　true；　your　self　is　always　with　you；　and　cannot　be　altered；

but；　sir；　I　believe　that　in　a　time　of　agony　one　finds　out　what　are

the　things　one　can　do；　and　what　are　those　one　cannot。　　You　get　to

know　yourself；　that's　all。　　And　so　it　was　with　me。　　Every　thought　and

memory　and　passion　was　so　clear　and　strong！　　I　wanted　to　kill　him。　　I

wanted　to　kill　myself。　　But　herno！　　We　are　taught　that　we　possess

our　wives；　body　and　soul；　we　are　brought　up　in　that　faith；　we　are

commanded　to　believe　itbut　when　I　was　face　to　face　with　it；　those

words　had　no　meaning；　that　belief；　those　commands；　they　were　without

meaning　to　me；　they　werevile。　　Oh　yes；　I　wanted　to　find　comfort　in

them；　I　wanted　to　hold　on　to　thembut　I　couldn't。　　You　may　force　a

body；　how　can　you　force　a　soul？　　No；　nocowardly！　　But　I　wanted　to

I　wanted　to　kill　him　and　force　her　to　come　back　to　me！　　And　then；

suddenly；　I　felt　as　if　I　were　pressing　right　on　the　most　secret　nerve

of　my　heart。　　I　seemed　to　see　her　face；　white　and　quivering；　as　if

I'd　stamped　my　heel　on　it。　　They　say　this　world　is　ruled　by　force；　it

may　be　trueI　know　I　have　a　weak　spot　in　me。。。。　　I　couldn't　bear　it。

At　last　I　Jumped　to　my　feet　and　shouted　out；　'Turn　the　boat　round！'

Tor　looked　up　at　me　as　if　I　had　gone　mad。　　And　I　had　gone　mad。　　I

seized　the　boat…hook　and　threatened　him；　I　called　him　fearful　names。

'Sir；'　he　said；　'I　don't　take　such　names　from　any　one！'　　'You'll　take

them　from　me；'　I　shouted；　'turn　the　boat　round；　you　idiot；　you　hound；

you　fish！。。。'　　I　have　a　terrible　temper；　a　perfect　curse　to　me。　　He

seemed　amazed；　even　frightened；　he　sat　down　again　suddenly　and　pulled

the　boat　round。　　I　fell　on　the　seat；　and　hid　my　face。　　I　believe　the

moon　came　up；　there　must　have　been　a　mist　too；　for　I　was　cold　as

death。　　In　this　life；　sir；　we　cannot　hide　our　facesbut　by　degrees

the　pain　of　wounds　grows　less。　　Some　will　have　it　that　such　blows　are

mortal；　it　is　not　so。　　Time　is　merciful。



〃In　the　early　morning　I　went　back　to　London。　　I　had　fever　on　meand

was　delirious。　　I　dare　say　I　should　have　killed　myself　if　I　had　not

been　so　used　to　weaponsthey　and　I　were　too　old　friends；　I　suppose

I　can't　explain。　　It　was　a　long　while　before　I　was　up　and　about。

Dalton　nursed　me　through　it；　his　great　heavy　moustache　had　grown

quite　white。　　We　never　mentioned　her；　what　was　the　good？　　There　were

things　to　settle　of　course；　the　lawyerthis　was　unspeakably

distasteful　to　me。　　I　told　him　it　was　to　be　as　she　wished；　but　the

fellow　would　come　to　me；　with　histhere；　I　don't　want　to　be　unkind。

I　wished　him　to　say　it　was　my　fault；　but　he　saidI　remember　his

smile　nowhe　said；　that　was　impossible；　would　be　seen　through；

talked　of　collusionI　don't　understand　these　things；　and　what's

more；　I　can't　bear　them；　they　aredirty。



〃Two　years　later；　when　I　had　come　back　to　London；　after　the　Russo…

Turkish　war；　I　received　a　letter　from　her。　　I　have　it　here。〃　　He　took

an　old；　yellow　sheet　of　paper　out　of　a　leathern　pocketbook；　spread　it

in　his　fingers；　and　sat　staring　at　it。　　For　some　minutes　he　did　not

speak。