the egoist-第102部分

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insincere。　It　is　no　lofty　ambition　to　desire　to　be　remembered　in
that　character；　but　such　is　your　Clara；　she　discovers。　I　will　tell
you。　It　is　his　wish　。。。　his　wish　that　I　should　promise　to　give　my
hand　to　Mr。　Whitford。　You　see　the　kindness。〃

Laetitia's　eyes　widened　and　fixed：

〃You　think　it　kindness？〃

〃The　intention。　He　sent　Mr。　Whitford　to　me；　and　I　was　taught　to
expect　him。〃

〃Was　that　quite　kind　to　Mr。　Whitford？〃

〃What　an　impression　I　must　have　made　on　you　during　that　walk　to
the　cottage；　Laetitia！　I　do　not　wonder；　I　was　in　a　fever。〃

〃You　consented　to　listen？〃

〃I　really　did。　It　astonishes　me　now；　but　I　thought　I　could　not
refuse。〃

〃My　poor　friend　Vernon　Whitford　tried　a　love　speech？〃

〃He？　no：　Oh！　no。〃

〃You　discouraged　him？〃

〃I？　No。〃

〃Gently；　I　mean。〃

〃No。〃

〃Surely　you　did　not　dream　of　trifling？　He　has　a　deep　heart。〃

〃Has　he？〃

〃You　ask　that：　and　you　know　something　of　him。

〃He　did　not　expose　it　to　me；　dear；　not　even　the　surface　of　the
mighty　deep。〃

Laetitia　knitted　her　brows。

〃No；〃　said　Clara；　〃not　a　coquette：　she　is　not　a　coquette；　I　assure
you。

With　a　laugh；　Laetitia　replied：　〃You　have　still　the　'dreadful
power'　you　made　me　feel　that　day。〃

〃I　wish　I　could　use　it　to　good　purpose！〃

〃He　did　not　speak？〃

〃Of　Switzerland；　Tyrol；　the　Iliad；　Antigone。〃

〃That　was　all？〃

〃No；　Political　Economy。　Our　situation；　you　will　own；　was
unexampled：　or　mine　was。　Are　you　interested　in　me？〃

〃I　should　be　if　I　knew　your　sentiments。〃

〃I　was　grateful　to　Sir　Willoughby：　grieved　for　Mr。　Whitford。〃

〃Real　grief？〃

〃Because　the　task　unposed　on　him　of　showing　me　politely　that　he
did　not　enter　into　his　cousin's　ideas　was　evidently　very　great；
extremely　burdensome。〃

〃You；　so　quick…eyed　in　some　things；　Clara！〃

〃He　felt　for　me。　I　saw　that　in　his　avoidance　of。。。　And　he　was；　as
he　always　is；　pleasant。　We　rambled　over　the　park　for　I　know　not
how　long；　though　it　did　not　seem　long。〃

〃Never　touching　that　subject？〃

〃Not　ever　neighbouring　it；　dear。　A　gentleman　should　esteem　the　girl
he　would　ask　。。。　certain　questions。　I　fancy　he　has　a　liking　for　me
as　a　volatile　friend。〃

〃If　he　had　offered　himself？〃

〃Despising　me？〃

〃You　can　be　childish；　Clara。　Probably　you　delight　to　tease。　He
had　his　time　of　it；　and　it　is　now　my　turn。〃

〃But　he　must　despise　me　a　little。〃

〃Are　you　blind？〃

〃Perhaps；　dear；　we　both　are；　a　little。〃

The　ladies　looked　deeper　into　one　another。

〃Will　you　answer　me？〃　said　Laetitia。

〃Your　if？　If　he　had；　it　would　have　been　an　act　of　condescension。〃

〃You　are　too　slippery。〃

〃Stay；　dear　Laetitia。　He　was　considerate　in　forbearing　to　pain
me。〃

〃That　is　an　answer。　You　allowed　him　to　perceive　that　it　would　have
pained　you。〃

〃Dearest；　if　I　may　convey　to　you　what　I　was；　in　a　simile　for
comparison：　I　think　I　was　like　a　fisherman's　float　on　the　water；
perfectly　still；　and　ready　to　go　down　at　any　instant；　or　up。　So
much　for　my　behaviour。〃

〃Similes　have　the　merit　of　satisfying　the　finder　of　them；　and
cheating　the　hearer；〃　said　Laetitia。　〃You　admit　that　your　feelings
would　have　been　painful。〃

〃I　was　a　fisherman's　float：　please　admire　my　simile；　any　way　you
like；　this　way　or　that；　or　so　quiet　as　to　tempt　the　eyes　to　go　to
sleep。　And　suddenly　I　might　have　disappeared　in　the　depths；　or
flown　in　the　air。　But　no　fish　bit。〃

〃Well；　then；　to　follow　you；　supposing　the　fish　or　the　fisherman；　
for　I　don't　know　which　is　which　。　。　。　Oh！　no；　no：　this　is　too
serious　for　imagery。　I　am　to　understand　that　you　thanked　him　at
least　for　his　reserve。〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Without　the　slightest　encouragement　to　him　to　break　it？〃

〃A　fisherman's　float；　Laetitia！〃　

Baffled　and　sighing；　Laetitia　kept　silence　for　a　space。　The　simile
chafed　her　wits　with　a　suspicion　of　a　meaning　hidden　in　it。

〃If　he　had　spoken？〃　she　said。

〃He　is　too　truthful　a　man。〃

〃And　the　railings　of　men　at　pussy　women　who　wind　about　and　will
not　be　brought　to　a　mark；　become　intelligible　to　me。〃

〃Then　Laetitia；　if　he　had　spoken；　if；　and　one　could　have　imagined
him　sincere　。　。　〃

〃So　truthful　a　man？〃

〃I　am　looking　at　myself　If！why；　then；　I　should　have　burnt　to
death　with　shame。　Where　have　I　read？some　storyof　an
inextinguishable　spark。　That　would　have　been　shot　into　my　heart。〃

〃Shame；　Clara？　You　are　free。〃

〃As　much　as　remains　of　me。〃

〃I　could　imagine　a　certain　shame；　in　such　a　position；　where　there
was　no　feeling　but　pride。〃

〃I　could　not　imagine　it　where　there　was　no　feeling　but　pride。〃

Laetitia　mused。　〃And　you　dwell　on　the　kindness　of　a　proposition　so
extraordinary！〃　Gaining　some　light；　impatiently　she　cried：　〃Vernon
loves　you。〃

〃Do　not　say　it！〃

〃I　have　seen　it。〃

〃I　have　never　had　a　sign　of　it。〃

〃There　is　the　proof。〃

〃When　it　might　have　been　shown　again　and　again！〃

〃The　greater　proof！〃

〃Why　did　he　not　speak　when　he　was　privileged？strangely；　but
privileged。〃

〃He　feared。〃

〃Me？〃

〃Feared　to　wound　youand　himself　as　well；　possibly。　Men　may　be
pardoned　for　thinking　of　themselves　in　these　cases。〃

〃But　why　should　he　fear？〃

〃That　another　was　dearer　to　you？〃

〃What　cause　had　I　given　。。。　Ah　I　see！　He　could　fear　that；　suspect
it！　See　his　opinion　of　me！　Can　he　care　for　such　a　girl？　Abuse
me；　Laetitia。　I　should　like　a　good　round　of　abuse。　I　need
purification　by　fire。　What　have　I　been　in　this　house？　I　have　a
sense　of　whirling　through　it　like　a　madwoman。　And　to　be　loved；
after　it　all！No！　we　must　be　hearing　a　tale　of　an　antiquary　
prizing　a　battered　relic　of　the　battle…field　that　no　one　else
would　look　at。　To　be　loved；　I　see；　is　to　feel　our　littleness；
hollownessfeel　shame。　We　come　out　in　all　our　spots。　Never　to
have　given　me　one　sign；　when　a　lover　would　have　been　so　tempted！
Let　me　be　incredulous；　my　own　dear　Laetitia。　Because　he　is　a　man
of　honour；　you　would　say！　But　are　you　unconscious　of　the　torture
you　inflict？　For　if　I　amyou　say　itloved　by　this　gentleman；
what　an　object　it　is　he　lovesthat　has　gone　clamouring　about
more　immodestly　than　women　will　bear　to　hear　of；　and　she　herself
to　think　of！　Oh；　I　have　seen　my　own　heart。　It　is　a　frightful
spectre。　I　have　seen　a　weakness　in　me　that　would　have　carried　me
anywhere。　And　truly　I　shall　be　charitable　to　womenI　have　gained
that。　But　loved！　by　Vernon　Whitford！　The　miserable　little　me　to　be
taken　up　and　loved　after　tearing　myself　to　pieces！　Have　you　been
simply　speculating？　You　have　no　positive　knowledge　of　it！　Why　do
you　kiss　me？〃

〃Why　do　you　tremble　and　blush　so？〃

Clara　looked　at　her　as　clearly　as　she　could。　She　bowed　her　head。
〃It　makes　my　conduct　worse！〃

She　received　a　tenderer　kiss　for　that。　It　was　her　avowal；　and　it
was　understood：　to　know　that　she　had　loved　or　had　been　ready　to
love　him；　shadowed　her　in　the　retrospect。

〃Ah！　you　read　me　through　and　through；〃　said　Clara；　sliding　to　her
for　a　whole　embrace。

〃Then　there　never　was　cause　for　him　to　fear？〃　Laetitia　whispered。

Clara　slid　her　head　more　out　of　sight。　〃Not　that　my　heart　。。。　But
I　said　I　have　seen　it；　and　it　is　unworthy　of　him。　And　if；　as　I
think　now；　I　could　have　been　so　rash；　so　weak；　wicked；　unpardonable
such　thoughts　were　in　me！then　to　hear　him　speak　would　make
it　necessary　for　me　to　uncover　myself　and　tell　himincredible　to
you；　yes！that　while　。。。　yes；　Laetitia；　all　this　is　true：　and
thinking　of　him　as　the　noblest　of　men；　I　could　have　welcomed　any
help　to　cut　my　knot。　So　there；〃　said　Clara；　issuing　from　her　nest
with　winking　eyelids；　〃you　see　the　pain　I　mentioned。〃

〃Why　did　you　not　explain　it　to　me　at　once？〃

〃Dearest；　I　wanted　a　century　to　pass。〃

〃And　you　feel　that　it　has　passed？〃

〃Yes；　in　Purgatorywith　an　angel　by　me。　My　report　of　the　place
will　be　favourable。　Good　angel；　I　have　yet　to　say　something。〃

〃Say　it；　and　expiate。〃

〃I　think　I　did　fancy　once　or　twice；　very　dimly；　and　especially　
to…day　。。。　properly　I　ought　not　to　have　had　any　idea：　but　his
coming　to　me；　and　his　not　doing　as　another　would　have　done；　seemed
。。。　A　gentleman　of　real　nobleness　does　not　carry　the　common　light
for　us　to　read　him　by。　I　wanted　his　voice；　but　silence；　I　think；
did　tell　me　more：　if　a　nature　like　mine　could　only　have　had　faith
without　bearing　the　rattle　of　a　tongue。

A　knock　at　the　door　caused　the　ladies　to　exchange　looks。　Laetitia
rose　as　Vernon　entered。

〃I　am　just　going　to　my　father　for　a　few　minutes；〃　she　said。

〃And　I　have　just　come　from　yours。〃　Vernon　said　to　Clara。　She
observed　a　very　threatening　expression　in　him。　The　sprite
of　contrariety　mounted　to　her　brain　to　indemnify　her　for　her　recent
self…abasement。　Seeing　the　bedroom　door　shut　on　Laetitia；　she
said：　〃And　of　course　papa　has　gone　to　bed〃；　implying；　〃otherwise　。
。　。〃

〃Yes；　he　has　gone。　He　wished　me　well。〃

〃His　formula　of　good…night　would　embrace　that　wish。〃

〃And　failing；　it　will　be　good…night　for　good　to　me！〃

Clara's　breathing　gave　a　little　leap。　〃We　leave　early　tomorrow。

〃I　know。　I　have　an　appointment　at　Bregenz　for　June。〃

〃So　soon？　With　papa？〃

〃And　from　there　we　break　into　Tyrol；　and　round　away　to　the　right；
Southward。〃

〃To　the　Italian　Alps！　And　was　it　assumed　that　I　should　be　of　this
expedition？〃

〃Your　father　speaks　dubiously。〃

〃You　have　spoken　of　me；　then？〃

〃I　ventured　to　speak　of　you。　I　am　not　over…bold；　as　you　know。〃

Her　lovely　eyes　troubled　the　lids　to　hide　their　softness。

〃Papa　should　not　think　of　my　presence　with　him　dubiously。〃

〃He　leaves　it　to　you　to　decide。〃

〃Yes；　then：　many　times：　all　that　can　be　uttered。〃

〃Do　you　consider　what　you　are　saying？〃

〃Mr。　Whitford；　I　shut　my　eyes　and　say　Yes。〃

〃Beware。　I　give　you　one　warning。　If　you　shut　your　eyes　。　。　。〃

〃Of　course；〃　she　flew　from　him；　〃big　mountains　must　be　satisfied
with　my　admiration　at　their　feet。〃

〃That　will　do　for　a　beginning。〃

〃They　speak　encouragingly。〃

〃One　of　them。〃　Vernon's　breast　heaved　high。

〃To　be　at　your　feet　makes　a　mountain　of　you？〃　said　she。

〃With　the　heart　of　a　mouse　if　that　satisfies　me！〃

〃You　tower　too　high；　you　are　inaccessible。〃

〃I　give　you　a　second　warning。　You　may　he　seized　and　lifted。〃

〃Some　one　would　stoop；　then。〃

〃To　plant　you　like　the　flag　on　the　conquered　peak！〃

〃You　have　indeed　been　talking　to　papa；　Mr。　W