the egoist-第11部分

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〃If　you　lose　me；　Clara！〃

〃But　you　are　strong；　Willoughby。〃

〃I　may　be　cut　off　to…morrow。〃

〃Do　not　talk　in　such　a　manner。〃

〃It　is　as　well　that　it　should　be　faced。〃

〃I　cannot　see　what　purpose　it　serves。〃

〃Should　you　lose　me；　my　love！〃

〃Willoughby！〃

〃Oh；　the　bitter　pang　of　leaving　you！〃

〃Dear　Willoughby；　you　are　distressed；　your　mother　may　recover；　let
us　hope　she　will；　I　will　help　to　nurse　her；　I　have　offered；　you
know；　I　am　ready；　most　anxious。　I　believe　I　am　a　good　nurse。〃

〃It　is　this　beliefthat　one　does　not　die　with　death！〃

〃That　is　our　comfort。〃

〃When　we　love？〃

〃Does　it　not　promise　that　we　meet　again？〃

〃To　walk　the　world　and　see　you　perhapswith　another！〃

〃See　me？Where？　Here？〃

〃Wedded　。。。　to　another。　You！　my　bride；　whom　I　call　mine；　and　you
are！　You　would　be　stillin　that　horror！　But　all　things　are
possible；　women　are　women；　they　swim　in　infidelity；　from　wave　to
wave！　I　know　them。〃

〃Willoughby；　do　not　torment　yourself　and　me；　I　beg　you。〃　

He　meditated　profoundly；　and　asked　her：　〃Could　you　be　such　a　saint
among　women？〃

〃I　think　I　am　a　more　than　usually　childish　girl。〃

〃Not　to　forget　me？〃

〃Oh！　no。〃

〃Still　to　be　mine？〃

〃I　am　yours。〃

〃To　plight　yourself？〃

〃It　is　done。〃

〃Be　mine　beyond　death？〃

〃Married　is　married；　I　think。〃

〃Clara！　to　dedicate　your　life　to　our　love！　Never　one　touch；　not
one　whisper！　not　a　thought；　not　a　dream！　Could　youit　agonizes
me　to　imagine　。。。　be　inviolate？　mine　above？mine　before　all　men；
though　I　am　gone：true　to　my　dust？　Tell　me。　Give　me　that
assurance。　True　to　my　name！Oh；　I　hear　them。　'His　relict！'
Buzzings　about　Lady　Patterne。　'The　widow。'　If　you　knew　their　talk
of　widows！　Shut　your　ears；　my　angel！　But　if　she　holds　them　off
and　keeps　her　path；　they　are　forced　to　respect　her。　The　dead
husband　is　not　the　dishonoured　wretch　they　fancied　him；　because　he
was　out　of　their　way。　He　lives　in　the　heart　of　his　wife。　Clara！　my
Clara！　as　I　live　in　yours；　whether　here　or　away；　whether　you　are　a
wife　or　widow；　there　is　no　distinction　for　loveI　am　your
husbandsay　iteternally。　I　must　have　peace；　I　cannot　endure
the　pain。　Depressed；　yes；　I　have　cause　to　be。　But　it　has　haunted
me　ever　since　we　joined　hands。　To　have　youto　lose　you！〃

〃Is　it　not　possible　that　I　may　be　the　first　to　die？〃　said　Miss
Middleton。

〃And　lose　you；　with　the　thought　that　you；　lovely　as　you　are；　and
the　dogs　of　the　world　barking　round　you；　might　。。。　Is　it　any
wonder　that　I　have　my　feeling　for　the　world？　This　hand！the
thought　is　horrible。　You　would　be　surrounded；　men　are　brutes；　the
scent　of　unfaithfulness　excites　them；　overjoys　them。　And　I
helpless！　The　thought　is　maddening。　I　see　a　ring　of　monkeys
grinning。　There　is　your　beauty；　and　man's　delight　in　desecrating。
You　would　be　worried　night　and　day　to　quit　my　name；　to。　。　。　I　feel
the　blow　now。　You　would　have　no　rest　for　them；　nothing　to　cling　to
without　your　oath。〃

〃An　oath！〃　said　Miss　Middleton。

〃It　is　no　delusion；　my　love；　when　I　tell　you　that　with　this
thought　upon　me　I　see　a　ring　of　monkey　faces　grinning　at　me；　they
haunt　me。　But　you　do　swear　it！　Once；　and　I　will　never　trouble　you
on　the　subject　again。　My　weakness！　if　you　like。　You　will　learn
that　it　is　love；　a　man's　love；　stronger　than　death。〃

〃An　oath？〃　she　said；　and　moved　her　lips　to　recall　what　she
might　have　said　and　forgotten。　〃To　what？　what　oath？〃

〃That　you　will　be　true　to　me　dead　as　well　as　living！　Whisper
it。〃

〃Willoughby；　I　shall　be　true　to　my　vows　at　the　altar。〃

〃To　me！　me！〃

〃It　will　be　to　you。〃

〃To　my　soul。　No　heaven　can　be　for　meI　see　none；　only　torture；
unless　I　have　your　word；　Clara。　I　trust　it。　I　will　trust　it
implicitly。　My　confidence　in　you　is　absolute。〃

〃Then　you　need　not　be　troubled。〃

〃It　is　for　you；　my　love；　that　you　may　be　armed　and　strong
when　I　am　not　by　to　protect　you。〃

〃Our　views　of　the　world　are　opposed；　Willoughby。〃

〃Consent；　gratify　me；　swear　it。　Say：　'Beyond　death。'　Whisper　it。　I
ask　for　nothing　more。　Women　think　the　husband's　grave　breaks　the
bond；　cuts　the　tie；　sets　them　loose。　They　wed　the　fleshpah！
What　I　call　on　you　for　is　nobility；　the　transcendent　nobility　of
faithfulness　beyond　death。　'His　widow！'　let　them　say；　a　saint　in
widowhood。〃

〃My　vows　at　the　altar　must　suffice。〃

〃You　will　not？　Clara！〃

〃I　am　plighted　to　you。〃

〃Not　a　word？a　simple　promise？　But　you　love　me？〃

〃I　have　given　you　the　best　proof　of　it　that　I　can。〃

〃Consider　how　utterly　I　place　confidence　in　you。〃

〃I　hope　it　is　well　placed。〃

〃I　could　kneel　to　you；　to　worship　you；　if　you　would；　Clara！〃

〃Kneel　to　Heaven；　not　to　me；　Willoughby。　I　amI　wish　I　were　able
to　tell　what　I　am。　I　may　be　inconstant；　I　do　not　know　myself。
Think；　question　yourself　whether　I　am　really　the　person　you　should
marry。　Your　wife　should　have　great　qualities　of　mind　and　soul。　I
will　consent　to　hear　that　I　do　not　possess　them；　and　abide　by
the　verdict。〃

〃You　do；　you　do　possess　them！〃　Willoughby　cried。　〃When　you　know
better　what　the　world　is；　you　will　understand　my　anxiety。　Alive；　I
am　strong　to　shield　you　from　it；　dead；　helplessthat　is　all。　You
would　be　clad　in　mail；　steel…proof；　inviolable；　if　you　would　。。。
But　try　to　enter　into　my　mind；　think　with　me；　feel　with　me。　When
you　have　once　comprehended　the　intensity　of　the　love　of　a　man　like
me；　you　will　not　require　asking。　It　is　the　difference　of　the　elect
and　the　vulgar；　of　the　ideal　of　love　from　the　coupling　of　the
herds。　We　will　let　it　drop。　At　least；　I　have　your　hand。　As　long　as
I　live　I　have　your　hand。　Ought　I　not　to　be　satisfied？　I　am；　only　I
see　further　than　most　men；　and　feel　more　deeply。　And　now　I　must
ride　to　my　mother's　bedside。　She　dies　Lady　Patterne！　It　might　have
been　that　she　。　。　。　But　she　is　a　woman　of　women！　With　a
father…in…law！　Just　heaven！　Could　I　have　stood　by　her　then　with
the　same　feelings　of　reverence？　A　very　little；　my　love；　and
everything　gained　for　us　by　civilization　crumbles；　we　fall　back　to
the　first　mortar…bowl　we　were　bruised　and　stirred　in。　My　thoughts；
when　I　take　my　stand　to　watch　by　her；　come　to　this　conclusion；
that；　especially　in　women；　distinction　is　the　thing　to　be　aimed
at。　Otherwise　we　are　a　weltering　human　mass。　Women　must　teach　us
to　venerate　them；　or　we　may　as　well　be　bleating　and　barking　and
bellowing。　So；　now　enough。　You　have　but　to　think　a　little。　I　must
be　off。　It　may　have　happened　during　my　absence。　I　will　write。　I
shall　hear　from　you？　Come　and　see　me　mount　Black　Norman。　My
respects　to　your　father。　I　have　no　time　to　pay　them　in　person。
One！〃

He　took　the　onelove's　mystical　numberfrom　which　commonly
spring　multitudes；　but；　on　the　present　occasion；　it　was　a　single
one；　and　cold。　She　watched　him　riding　away　on　his　gallant　horse；
as　handsome　a　cavalier　as　the　world　could　show；　and　the　contrast
of　his　recent　language　and　his　fine　figure　was　a　riddle　that　froze
her　blood。　Speech　so　foreign　to　her　ears；　unnatural　in　tone；
unmanlike　even　for　a　lover　（who　is　allowed　a　softer　dialect）；　set
her　vainly　sounding　for　the　source　and　drift　of　it。　She　was　glad
of　not　having　to　encounter　eyes　like　Mr。　Vernon　Whitford's。

On　behalf　of　Sir　Willoughby；　it　is　to　be　said　that　his　mother；
without　infringing　on　the　degree　of　respect　for　his　decisions　and
sentiments　exacted　by　him；　had　talked　to　him　of　Miss　Middleton；
suggesting　a　volatility　of　temperament　in　the　young　lady　that
struck　him　as　consentaneous　with　Mrs　Mountstuart's　〃rogue　in
porcelain〃；　and　alarmed　him　as　the　independent　observations　of　two
world…wise　women。　Nor　was　it　incumbent　upon　him　personally　to
credit　the　volatility　in　order；　as　far　as　he　could；　to　effect　the
soul…insurance　of　his　bride；　that　he　might　hold　the　security　of
the　policy。　The　desire　for　it　was　in　him；　his　mother　had　merely
tolled　a　warning　bell　that　he　had　put　in　motion　before。　Clara　was
not　a　Constantia。　But　she　was　a　woman；　and　he　had　been　deceived
by　women；　as　a　man　fostering　his　high　ideal　of　them　will　surely
be。　The　strain　he　adopted　was　quite　natural　to　his　passion　and　his
theme。　The　language　of　the　primitive　sentiments　of　men　is　of　the
same　expression　at　all　times；　minus　the　primitive　colours　when　a
modern　gentleman　addresses　his　lady。

Lady　Patterne　died　in　the　winter　season　of　the　new　year。　In　April
Dr　Middleton　had　to　quit　Upton　Park；　and　he　had　not　found　a　place
of　residence；　nor　did　he　quite　know　what　to　do　with　himself　in　the
prospect　of　his　daughter's　marriage　and　desertion　of　him。　Sir
Willoughby　proposed　to　find　him　a　house　within　a　circuit　of　the
neighbourhood　of　Patterne。　Moreover；　he　invited　the　Rev。　Doctor
and　his　daughter　to　come　to　Patterne　from　Upton　for　a　month；　and
make　acquaintance　with　his　aunts；　the　ladies　Eleanor　and　Isabel
Patterne；　so　that　it　might　not　be　so　strange　to　Clara　to　have　them
as　her　housemates　after　her　marriage。　Dr。　Middleton　omitted　to
consult　his　daughter　before　accepting　the　invitation；　and　it
appeared；　when　he　did　speak　to　her；　that　it　should　have　been　done。
But　she　said；　mildly；　〃Very　well；　papa。〃

Sir　Willoughby　had　to　visit　the　metropolis　and　an　estate　in
another　county；　whence　he　wrote　to　his　betrothed　daily。　He
returned　to　Patterne　in　time　to　arrange　for　the　welcome　of　his
guests；　too　late；　however；　to　ride　over　to　them；　and；　meanwhile；　
during　his　absence；　Miss　Middleton　had　bethought　herself　that　she
ought　to　have　given　her　last　days　of　freedom　to　her　friends。　After
the　weeks　to　be　passed　at　Patterne；　very　few　weeks　were　left　to
her；　and　she　had　a　wish　to　run　to　Switzerland　or　Tyrol　and　see　the
Alps；　a　quaint　idea；　her　father　thought。　She　repeated　it
seriously；　and　Dr。　Middleton　perceived　a　feminine　shuttle　of
indecision　at　work　in　her　head；　frightful　to　him；　considering　that
they　signified　hesitation　between　the　excellent　library　and
capital　wine…cellar　of　Patterne　Hall；　together　with　the　society　of
that　promising　young　scholar；　Mr。　Vernon　Whitford；　on　the　one
side；　and　a　career　of　hotelsequivalent　to　being　rammed　into
monster　artillery　with　a　crowd　every　night；　and　shot　off　on　a
day's　journey　through　space　every　morningon　the　other。

〃You　will　have　your　travelling　and　your　Alps　after　the　ceremony；〃　
he　said。

〃I　think　I　would　rather　stay　at　home；〃　said　she。