the egoist-第13部分

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She　did　but　criticize　him　and　wonder　that　a　man　was　unable　to
perceive；　or　was　not　arrested　by　perceiving；　unwillingness；
discordance；　dull　compliance；　the　bondwoman's　due　instead　of　the
bride's　consent。　Oh；　sharp　distinction；　as　between　two　spheres！

She　meted　him　justice；　she　admitted　that　he　had　spoken　in　a
lover…like　tone。　Had　it　not　been　for　the　iteration　of　〃the　world〃；
she　would　not　have　objected　critically　to　his　words；　though　they
were　words　of　downright　appropriation。　He　had　the　right　to　use
them；　since　she　was　to　be　married　to　him。　But　if　he　had　only
waited　before　playing　the　privileged　lover！

Sir　Willoughby　was　enraptured　with　her。　Even　so　purely　coldly；
statue…like；　Dian…like；　would　he　have　prescribed　his　bride's
reception　of　his　caress。　The　suffusion　of　crimson　coming　over　her
subsequently；　showing　her　divinely　feminine　in　reflective
bashfulness；　agreed　with　his　highest　definitions　of　female
character。

〃Let　me　conduct　you　to　the　garden；　my　love；〃　he　said。

She　replied：　〃I　think　I　would　rather　go　to　my　room。〃

〃I　will　send　you　a　wild…flower　posy。〃

〃Flowers；　no；　I　do　not　like　them　to　be　gathered。〃

〃I　will　wait　for　you　on　the　lawn。〃

〃My　head　is　rather　heavy。〃

His　deep　concern　and　tenderness　brought　him　close。

She　assured　him　sparklingly　that　she　was　well。　She　was　ready　to
accompany　him　to　the　garden　and　stroll　over　the　park。

〃Headache　it　is　not；〃　she　added。

But　she　had　to　pay　the　fee　for　inviting　a　solicitous　accepted
gentleman's　proximity。

This　time　she　blamed　herself　and　him；　and　the　world　he　abused；　and
destiny　into　the　bargain。　And　she　cared　less　about　the　probation；
but　she　craved　for　liberty。　With　a　frigidity　that　astonished　her；
she　marvelled　at　the　act　of　kissing；　and　at　the　obligation　it
forced　upon　an　inanimate　person　to　be　an　accomplice。　Why　was　she
not　free？　By　what　strange　right　was　it　that　she　was　treated　as　a
possession？

〃I　will　try　to　walk　off　the　heaviness；〃　she　said。

〃My　own　girl　must　not　fatigue　herself。〃

〃Oh；　no；　I　shall　not。〃

〃Sit　with　me。　Your　Willoughby　is　your　devoted　attendant。〃

〃I　have　a　desire　for　the　air。〃

〃Then　we　will　walk　out。〃

She　was　horrified　to　think　how　far　she　had　drawn　away　from　him；
and　now　placed　her　hand　on　his　arm　to　appease　her　self…accusations
and　propitiate　duty。　He　spoke　as　she　had　wished；　his　manner　was
what　she　had　wished；　she　was　his　bride；　almost　his　wife；　her
conduct　was　a　kind　of　madness；　she　could　not　understand　it。

Good　sense　and　duty　counselled　her　to　control　her　wayward
spirit。

He　fondled　her　hand；　and　to　that　she　grew　accustomed；　her　hand　was
at　a　distance。　And　what　is　a　hand？　Leaving　it　where　it　was；　she
treated　it　as　a　link　between　herself　and　dutiful　goodness。　Two
months　hence　she　was　a　bondwoman　for　life！　She　regretted　that　she
had　not　gone　to　her　room　to　strengthen　herself　with　a　review　of
her　situation；　and　meet　him　thoroughly　resigned　to　her　fate。　She
fancied　she　would　have　come　down　to　him　amicably。　It　was　his
present　respectfulness　and　easy　conversation　that　tricked　her
burning　nerves　with　the　fancy。　Five　weeks　of　perfect　liberty　in
the　mountains；　she　thought；　would　have　prepared　her　for　the　days
of　bells。　All　that　she　required　was　a　separation　offering　new
scenes；　where　she　might　reflect　undisturbed；　feel　clear　again。

He　led　her　about　the　flower…beds；　too　much　as　if　he　were　giving　a
convalescent　an　airing。　She　chafed　at　it；　and　pricked　herself　with
remorse。　In　contrition　she　expatiated　on　the　beauty　of　the　garden。

〃All　is　yours；　my　Clara。〃

An　oppressive　load　it　seemed　to　her！　She　passively　yielded　to　the
man　in　his　form　of　attentive　courtier；　his　mansion；　estate；　and
wealth　overwhelmed　her。　They　suggested　the　price　to　be　paid。　Yet
she　recollected　that　on　her　last　departure　through　the　park　she
had　been　proud　of　the　rolling　green　and　spreading　trees。　Poison　of
some　sort　must　be　operating　in　her。　She　had　not　come　to　him
to…day　with　this　feeling　of　sullen　antagonism；　she　had　caught　it
here。

〃You　have　been　well；　my　Clara？〃

〃Quite。〃

〃Not　a　hint　of　illness？〃

〃None。〃

〃My　bride　must　have　her　health　if　all　the　doctors　in　the
kingdom　die　for　it！　My　darling！〃

〃And　tell　me：　the　dogs？〃

〃Dogs　and　horses　are　in　very　good　condition。〃

〃I　am　glad。　Do　you　know；　I　love　those　ancient　French　chateaux　and
farms　in　one；　where　salon　windows　look　on　poultry…yard　and
stalls。　I　like　that　homeliness　with　beasts　and　peasants。〃

He　bowed　indulgently。

〃I　am　afraid　we　can't　do　it　for　you　in　England；　my　Clara。〃

〃No。〃

〃And　I　like　the　farm；〃　said　he。　〃But　I　think　our　drawing…rooms
have　a　better　atmosphere　off　the　garden。　As　to　our　peasantry；　we
cannot；　I　apprehend；　modify　our　class　demarcations　without　risk　of
disintegrating　the　social　structure。〃

〃Perhaps。　I　proposed　nothing。〃

〃My　love；　I　would　entreat　you　to　propose　if　I　were　convinced　
that　I　could　obey。〃

〃You　are　very　good。〃

〃I　find　my　merit　nowhere　but　in　your　satisfaction。〃

Although　she　was　not　thirsting　for　dulcet　sayings；　the　peacefulness
of　other　than　invitations　to　the　exposition　of　his　mysteries　and
of　their　isolation　in　oneness；　inspired　her　with　such　calm　that
she　beat　about　in　her　brain；　as　if　it　were　in　the　brain；　for　the
specific　injury　he　had　committed。　Sweeping　from　sensation　to
sensation；　the　young；　whom　sensations　impel　and　distract；　can
rarely　date　their　disturbance　from　a　particular　one；　unless　it　be
some　great　villain　injury　that　has　been　done；　and　Clara　had　not
felt　an　individual　shame　in　his　caress；　the　shame　of　her　sex　was
but　a　passing　protest；　that　left　no　stamp。　So　she　conceived　she
had　been　behaving　cruelly；　and　said；　〃Willoughby〃；　because　she　was
aware　of　the　omission　of　his　name　in　her　previous　remarks。

His　whole　attention　was　given　to　her。

She　had　to　invent　the　sequel。　〃I　was　going　to　beg　you；　Willoughby；
do　not　seek　to　spoil　me。　You　compliment　me。　Compliments　are　not
suited　to　me。　You　think　too　highly　of　me。　It　is　nearly　as　bad　as
to　be　slighted。　I　am　。　。　。　I　am　a　。　。　。〃　But　she　could　not　follow
his　example；　even　as　far　as　she　had　gone；　her　prim　little　sketch
of　herself；　set　beside　her　real；　ugly；　earnest　feelings；　rang　of　a
mincing　simplicity；　and　was　a　step　in　falseness。　How　could　she
display　what　she　was？

〃Do　I　not　know　you？〃　he　said。

The　melodious　bass　notes；　expressive　of　conviction　on　that　point；
signified　as　well　as　the　words　that　no　answer　was　the　right
answer。　She　could　not　dissent　without　turning　his　music　to
discord；　his　complacency　to　amazement。　She　held　her　tongue；
knowing　that　he　did　not　know　her；　and　speculating　on　the　
division　made　bare　by　their　degrees　of　the　knowledge；　a　deep
cleft。

He　alluded　to　friends　in　her　neighbourhood　and　his　own。
The　bridesmaids　were　mentioned。

〃Miss　Dale；　you　will　hear　from　my　aunt　Eleanor；　declines；　on　the
plea　of　indifferent　health。　She　is　rather　a　morbid　person；　with
all　her　really　estimable　qualities。　It　will　do　no　harm　to　have
none　but　young　ladies　of　your　own　age；　a　bouquet　of　young　buds：
though　one　blowing　flower　among　them　。。。　However；　she　has　decided。
My　principal　annoyance　has　been　Vernon's　refusal　to　act　as　my　best
man。〃

〃Mr。　Whitford　refuses？〃

〃He　half　refuses。　I　do　not　take　no　from　him。　His　pretext
is　a　dislike　to　the　ceremony。〃

〃I　share　it　with　him。〃

〃I　sympathize　with　you。　If　we　might　say　the　words　and　pass　from
sight！　There　is　a　way　of　cutting　off　the　world：　I　have　it　at　times
completely：　I　lose　it　again；　as　if　it　were　a　cabalistic　phrase　one
had　to　utter。　But　with　you！　You　give　it　me　for　good。　It　will　he
for　ever；　eternally；　my　Clara。　Nothing　can　harm；　nothing　touch　us；
we　are　one　another's。　Let　the　world　fight　it　out；　we　have　nothing
to　do　with　it。〃

〃If　Mr。　Whitford　should　persist　in　refusing？〃

〃So　entirely　one；　that　there　never　can　be　question　of　external
influences。　I　am；　we　will　say；　riding　home　from　the　hunt：　I　see
you　awaiting　me：　I　read　your　heart　as　though　you　were　beside　me。
And　I　know　that　I　am　coming　to　the　one　who　reads　mine！　You　have
me；　you　have　me　like　an　open　book；　you；　and　only　you！〃

〃I　am　to　be　always　at　home？〃　Clara　said；　unheeded；　and
relieved　by　his　not　hearing。

〃Have　you　realized　it？that　we　are　invulnerable！　The　world
cannot　hurt　us：　it　cannot　touch　us。　Felicity　is　ours；　and　we　are
impervious　in　the　enjoyment　of　it。　Something　divine！　surely
something　divine　on　earth？　Clara！being　to　one　another　that
between　which　the　world　can　never　interpose！　What　I　do　is　right：
what　you　do　is　right。　Perfect　to　one　another！　Each　new　day　we　rise
to　study　and　delight　in　new　secrets。　Away　with　the　crowd！　We　have
not　even　to　say　it；　we　are　in　an　atmosphere　where　the　world　cannot
breathe。〃

〃Oh；　the　world！〃　Clara　partly　carolled　on　a　sigh　that　sunk
deep。

Hearing　him　talk　as　one　exulting　on　the　mountain…top；　when　she
knew　him　to　be　in　the　abyss；　was　very　strange；　provocative　of
scorn。

〃My　letters？〃　he　said；　incitingly。

〃I　read　them。〃

〃Circumstances　have　imposed　a　long　courtship　on　us；　my　Clara；　and
I；　perhaps　lamenting　the　laws　of　decorumI　have　done　so！still
felt　the　benefit　of　the　gradual　initiation。　It　is　not　good　for
women　to　be　surprised　by　a　sudden　revelation　of　man's　character。
We　also　have　things　to　learnthere　is　matter　for　learning
everywhere。　Some　day　you　will　tell　me　the　difference　of　what　you
think　of　me　now；　from　what　you　thought　when　we　first　。　。　。　？〃

An　impulse　of　double…minded　acquiescence　caused　Clara　to
stammer　as　on　a　sob。

〃II　daresay　I　shall。〃

She　added；　〃If　it　is　necessary。〃

Then　she　cried　out：　〃Why　do　you　attack　the　world？　You
always　make　me　pity　it。〃

He　smiled　at　her　youthfulness。　〃I　have　passed　through　that
stage。　It　leads　to　my　sentiment。　Pity　it；　by　all　means。〃

〃No；〃　said　she；　〃but　pity　it；　side　with　it；　not　consider　it　so
bad。　The　world　has　faults；　glaciers　have　crevices；　mountains　have
chasms；　but　is　not　the　effect　of　the　whole　sublime？　Not　to　admire
the　mountain　and　the　glacier　because　they　can　be　cruel；　seems　to
me　。。。　And　the　world　is　beautiful。〃

〃The　world　of　nature；　yes。　The　world　of　men？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃My　love；　I　suspect　you　to　be　thinking　of　the　world　of　ballrooms。

〃I　am　thinking　of　the　world　that　contains　re