the egoist-第21部分

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man　spotted　with　decaying　youth。

〃Beware　of　marrying　an　Egoist。〃

Would　he　help　her　to　escape？　The　idea　of　the　scene　ensuing　upon
her　petition　for　release；　and　the　being　dragged　round　the　walls　of
his　egoism；　and　having　her　head　knocked　against　the　corners；
alarmed　her　with　sensations　of　sickness。

There　was　the　example　of　Constantia。　But　that　desperate　young　lady
had　been　assisted　by　a　gallant；　loving　gentleman；　she　had　met　a
Captain　Oxford。

Clara　brooded　on　those　two　until　they　seemed　heroic。　She
questioned　herself。　Could　she　。　。　。？　were　one　to　come？　She　shut
her　eyes　in　languor；　leaning　the　wrong　way　of　her　wishes；　yet
unable　to　say　No。

Sir　Willoughby　had　positively　said　beware！　Marrying　him　would　be　a
deed　committed　in　spite　of　his　express　warning。　She　went　so　far
as　to　conceive　him　subsequently　saying：　〃I　warned　you。〃　She
conceived　the　state　of　marriage　with　him　as　that　of　a　woman　tied
not　to　a　man　of　heart；　but　to　an　obelisk　lettered　all　over　with
hieroglyphics；　and　everlastingly　hearing　him　expound　them；
relishing　renewing　his　lectures　on　them。

Full　surely　this　immovable　stone…man　would　not　release　her。　This
petrifaction　of　egoism　would　from　amazedly　to　austerely　refuse　the
petition。　His　pride　would　debar　him　from　understanding　her　desire
to　be　released。　And　if　she　resolved　on　it；　without　doing　it
straightway　in　Constantia's　manner；　the　miserable　bewilderment　of
her　father；　for　whom　such　a　complication　would　be　a　tragic
dilemma；　had　to　be　thought　of。　Her　father；　with　all　his　tenderness
for　his　child；　would　make　a　stand　on　the　point　of　honour；　though
certain　to　yield　to　her；　he　would　be　distressed　in　a　tempest　of
worry；　and　Dr。　Middleton　thus　afflicted　threw　up　his　arms；　he
shunned　books；　shunned　speech；　and　resembled　a　castaway　on　the
ocean；　with　nothing　between　himself　and　his　calamity。　As　for　the
world；　it　would　be　barking　at　her　heels。　She　might　call　the　man
she　wrenched　her　hand　from；　Egoist；　jilt；　the　world　would　call
her。　She　dwelt　bitterly　on　her　agreement　with　Sir　Willoughby
regarding　the　world；　laying　it　to　his　charge　that　her　garden　had
become　a　place　of　nettles；　her　horizon　an　unlighted　fourth　side　of
a　square。

Clara　passed　from　person　to　person　visiting　the　Hall。　There　was
universal；　and　as　she　was　compelled　to　see；　honest　admiration　of
the　host。　Not　a　soul　had　a　suspicion　of　his　cloaked　nature。　Her
agony　of　hypocrisy　in　accepting　their　compliments　as　the　bride　of
Sir　Willoughby　Patterne　was　poorly　moderated　by　contempt　of　them
for　their　infatuation。　She　tried　to　cheat　herself　with　the　thought
that　they　were　right　and　that　she　was　the　foolish　and　wicked
inconstant。　In　her　anxiety　to　strangle　the　rebelliousness　which
had　been　communicated　from　her　mind　to　her　blood；　and　was　present
with　her　whether　her　mind　was　in　action　or　not；　she　encouraged　the
ladies　Eleanor　and　Isabel　to　magnify　the　fictitious　man　of　their
idolatry；　hoping　that　she　might　enter　into　them　imaginatively；　
that　she　might　to　some　degree　subdue　herself　to　the　necessity　of
her　position。　If　she　partly　succeeded　in　stupefying　her
antagonism；　five　minutes　of　him　undid　the　work。

He　requested　her　to　wear　the　Patterne　pearls　for　a　dinner…party　of
grand　ladies；　telling　her　that　he　would　commission　Miss　Isabel　to
take　them　to　her。　Clara　begged　leave　to　decline　them；　on　the　plea
of　having　no　right　to　wear　them。　He　laughed　at　her　modish　modesty。
〃But　really　it　might　almost　be　classed　with　affectation；〃　said　he。
〃I　give　you　the　right。　Virtually　you　are　my　wife。〃

〃No。〃

〃Before　heaven？〃

〃No。　We　are　not　married。〃

〃As　my　betrothed；　will　you　wear　them；　to　please　me？〃

〃I　would　rather　not。　I　cannot　wear　borrowed　jewels。　These　I　cannot
wear。　Forgive　me；　I　cannot。　And；　Willoughby；〃　she　said；　scorning
herself　for　want　of　fortitude　in　not　keeping　to　the　simply　blunt
provocative　refusal；　〃does　one　not　look　like　a　victim　decked　for
the　sacrifice？the　garlanded　heifer　you　see　on　Greek　vases；　in
that　array　of　jewellery？〃

〃My　dear　Clara！〃　exclaimed　the　astonished　lover；　〃how　can　you　term
them　borrowed；　when　they　are　the　Patterne　jewels；　our　family
heirloom　pearls；　unmatched；　I　venture　to　affirm；　decidedly　in　my
county　and　many　others；　and　passing　to　the　use　of　the　mistress　of
the　house　in　the　natural　course　of　things？〃

〃They　are　yours；　they　are　not　mine。〃

〃Prospectively　they　are　yours。〃

〃It　would　be　to　anticipate　the　fact　to　wear　them。〃

〃With　my　consent；　my　approval？　at　my　request？〃

〃I　am　not　yet　。　。　。　I　never　may　be　。　。　。〃

〃My　wife？〃　He　laughed　triumphantly；　and　silenced　her　by　manly
smothering。

Her　scruple　was　perhaps　an　honourable　one；　he　said。　Perhaps　the
jewels　were　safer　in　their　iron　box。　He　had　merely　intended　a
surprise　and　gratification　to　her。

Courage　was　coming　to　enable　her　to　speak　more　plainly；　when　his
discontinuing　to　insist　on　her　wearing　the　jewels；　under　an
appearance　of　deference　of　her　wishes；　disarmed　her　by　touching
her　sympathies。

She　said；　however；　〃I　fear　we　do　not　often　agree；　Willoughby。〃

〃When　you　are　a　little　older！〃　was　the　irritating　answer。

〃It　would　then　be　too　late　to　make　the　discovery。〃

〃The　discovery；　I　apprehend；　is　not　imperative；　my　love。〃

〃It　seems　to　me　that　our　minds　are　opposed。〃

〃I　should；〃　said　he；　〃have　been　awake　to　it　at　a　single
indication；　be　sure。〃

〃But　I　know；〃　she　pursued；　〃I　have　learned　that　the　ideal　of
conduct　for　women　is　to　subject　their　minds　to　the　part　of　an
accompaniment。〃

〃For　women；　my　love？　my　wife　will　be　in　natural　harmony　with　me。〃

〃Ah！〃　She　compressed　her　lips。　The　yawn　would　come。　〃I　am　sleepier
here　than　anywhere。〃

〃Ours；　my　Clara；　is　the　finest　air　of　the　kingdom。　It　has　the
effect　of　sea…air。〃

〃But　if　I　am　always　asleep　here？〃

〃We　shall　have　to　make　a　public　exhibition　of　the　Beauty。〃

This　dash　of　his　liveliness　defeated　her。

She　left　him；　feeling　the　contempt　of　the　brain　feverishly
quickened　and　fine…pointed；　for　the　brain　chewing　the　cud　in　the
happy　pastures　of　unawakedness。　So　violent　was　the　fever；　so　keen
her　introspection；　that　she　spared　few；　and　Vernon　was　not　among
them。　Young　Crossjay；　whom　she　considered　the　least　able　of　all　to
act　as　an　ally；　was　the　only　one　she　courted　with　a　real　desire　to
please　him；　he　was　the　one　she　affectionately　envied；　he　was　the
youngest；　the　freest；　he　had　the　world　before　him；　and　he　did　not
know　how　horrible　the　world　was；　or　could　be　made　to　look。　She
loved　the　boy　from　expecting　nothing　of　him。　Others；　Vernon
Whitford；　for　instance；　could　help；　and　moved　no　hand。　He　read　her
case。　A　scrutiny　so　penetrating　under　its　air　of　abstract
thoughtfulness；　though　his　eyes　did　but　rest　on　her　a　second　or
two；　signified　that　he　read　her　line　by　line；　and　to　the　end
excepting　what　she　thought　of　him　for　probing　her　with　that　sharp
steel　of　insight　without　a　purpose。

She　knew　her　mind's　injustice。　It　was　her　case；　her　lamentable
casethe　impatient　panic…stricken　nerves　of　a　captured　wild
creature　which　cried　for　help。　She　exaggerated　her　sufferings　to
get　strength　to　throw　them　off；　and　lost　it　in　the　recognition
that　they　were　exaggerated：　and　out　of　the　conflict　issued
recklessness；　with　a　cry　as　wild　as　any　coming　of　madness；　for　she
did　not　blush　in　saying　to　herself。　〃If　some　one　loved　me！〃　Before
hearing　of　Constantia；　she　had　mused　upon　liberty　as　a　virgin
Goddessmen　were　out　of　her　thoughts；　even　the　figure　of　a
rescuer；　if　one　dawned　in　her　mind；　was　more　angel　than　hero。　That
fair　childish　maidenliness　had　ceased。　With　her　body　straining　in
her　dragon's　grasp；　with　the　savour　of　loathing；　unable　to
contend；　unable　to　speak　aloud；　she　began　to　speak　to　herself；　and
all　the　health　of　her　nature　made　her　outcry　womanly：　〃If　I　were
loved！〃not　for　the　sake　of　love；　but　for　free　breathing；　and
her　utterance　of　it　was　to　insure　life　and　enduringness　to　the
wish；　as　the　yearning　of　a　mother　on　a　drowning　ship　is　to　get　her
infant　to　shore。　〃If　some　noble　gentleman　could　see　me　as　I　am　and
not　disdain　to　aid　me！　Oh！　to　be　caught　up　out　of　this　prison　of
thorns　and　brambles。　I　cannot　tear　my　own　way　out。　I　am　a　coward。
My　cry　for　help　confesses　that。　A　beckoning　of　a　finger　would
change　me；　I　believe。　I　could　fly　bleeding　and　through　hootings　to
a　comrade。　Oh！　a　comrade！　I　do　not　want　a　lover。　I　should　find
another　Egoist；　not　so　bad；　but　enough　to　make　me　take　a　breath
like　death。　I　could　follow　a　soldier；　like　poor　Sally　or　Molly。　He
stakes　his　life　for　his　country；　and　a　woman　may　be　proud　of　the
worst　of　men　who　do　that。　Constantia　met　a　soldier。　Perhaps　she
prayed　and　her　prayer　was　answered。　She　did　ill。　But；　oh；　how　I
love　her　for　it！　His　name　was　Harry　Oxford。　Papa　would　call　him
her　Perseus。　She　must　have　felt　that　there　was　no　explaining　what
she　suffered。　She　had　only　to　act；　to　plunge。　First　she　fixed　her
mind　on　Harry　Oxford。　To　be　able　to　speak　his　name　and　see　him
awaiting　her；　must　have　been　relief；　a　reprieve。　She　did　not
waver；　she　cut　the　links；　she　signed　herself　over。　Oh；　brave　girl！
what　do　you　think　of　me？　But　I　have　no　Harry　Whitford；　I　am　alone。
Let　anything　be　said　against　women；　we　must　be　very　bad　to　have
such　bad　things　written　of　us：　only；　say　this；　that　to　ask　them　to
sign　themselves　over　by　oath　and　ceremony；　because　of　an　ignorant
promise；　to　the　man　they　have　been　mistaken　in；　is　。　。　。　it　is〃
the　sudden　consciousness　that　she　had　put　another　name　for　Oxford；
struck　her　a　buffet；　drowning　her　in　crimson。


CHAPTER　XI

The　Double…Blossom　Wild　Cherry…Tree

Sir　Willoughby　chose　a　moment　when　Clara　was　with　him　and　he　had　a
good　retreat　through　folding…windows　to　the　lawn；　in　case　of
cogency　on　the　enemy's　part；　to　attack　his　cousin　regarding　the
preposterous　plot　to　upset　the　family　by　a　scamper　to　London：　〃By
the　way；　Vernon；　what　is　this　you've　been　mumbling　to　everybody
save　me；　about　leaving　us　to　pitch　yourself　into　the　stew…pot　and
be　made　broth　of？　London　is　no　better；　and　you　are　fit　for
considerably　better。　Don't；　I　beg　you；　continue　to　annoy　me。　Take
a　run　abroad；　if　you　are　restless。　Take　two　or　three　months；　and
join　us　as　we　are　travelling　home；　and　then　think　of　settling；
pray。　Follow　my　e