the egoist-第31部分

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Clara；　plighted　faith；　the　affiancing　of　two　lovers；　is　a　piece　of
religion。　I　rank　it　as　holy　as　marriage；　nay；　to　me　it　is　holier；
I　really　cannot　tell　you　how；　I　can　only　appeal　to　you　in　your
bosom　to　understand　me。　We　read　of　divorces　with　comparative
indifference。　They　occur　between　couples　who　have　rubbed　off　all
romance。〃

She　could　have　asked　him　in　her　fit　of　ironic　iciness；　on　hearing
him　thus　blindly　challenge　her　to　speak　out；　whether　the　romance
might　be　his　piece　of　religion。

He　propitiated　the　more　unwarlike　sentiments　in　her　by
ejaculating；　〃Poor　souls！　let　them　go　their　several　ways。　Married　
people　no　longer　lovers　are　in　the　category　of　the　unnameable。　But
the　hint　of　the　breaking　of　an　engagementour　engagement！
between　us？　Oh！〃

〃Oh！〃　Clara　came　out　with　a　swan's　note　swelling　over　mechanical
imitation　of　him　to　dolorousness　illimitable。　〃Oh！〃　she　breathed
short；　〃let　it　be　now。　Do　not　speak　till　you　have　heard　me。　My
head　may　not　be　clear　by…and…by。　And　two　scenestwice　will　be
beyond　my　endurance。　I　am　penitent　for　the　wrong　I　have　done　you。
I　grieve　for　you。　All　the　blame　is　mine。　Willoughby；　you　must
release　me。　Do　not　let　me　hear　a　word　of　that　word；　jealousy　is
unknown　to　me　。。。　Happy　if　I　could　call　you　friend　and　see　you
with　a　worthier　than　I；　who　might　by…and…by　call　me　friend！　You
have　my　plighted　troth　。。。　given　in　ignorance　of　my　feelings。
Reprobate　a　weak　and　foolish　girl's　ignorance。　I　have　thought　of
it；　and　I　cannot　see　wickedness；　though　the　blame　is　great；
shameful。　You　have　none。　You　are　without　any　blame。　You　will　not
suffer　as　I　do。　You　will　be　generous　to　me？　I　have　no　respect
for　myself　when　I　beg　you　to　be　generous　and　release　me。〃

〃But　was　this　the　。　。　。〃　Willoughby　preserved　his　calmness；
〃this；　then；　the　subject　of　your　interview　with　Vernon？〃

〃I　have　spoken　to　him。　I　did　my　commission；　and　I　spoke　to　him。〃

〃Of　me？〃

〃Of　myself。　I　see　how　I　hurt　you；　I　could　not　avoid　it。　Yes；　of
you；　as　far　as　we　are　related。　I　said　I　believed　you　would　release
me。　　I　said　I　could　he　true　to　my　plighted　word；　but　that　you
would　not　insist。　Could　a　gentleman　insist？　But　not　a　step　beyond；
not　love；　I　have　none。　And；　Willoughby；　treat　me　as　one　perfectly
worthless；　I　am。　I　should　have　known　it　a　year　back。　I　was
deceived　in　myself。　There　should　be　love。〃

〃Should　be！〃　Willoughby's　tone　was　a　pungent　comment　on　her。

〃Love；　then；　I　find　I　have　not。　I　think　I　am　antagonistic　to　it。
What　people　say　of　it　I　have　not　experienced。　I　find　I　was
mistaken。　It　is　lightly　said；　but　very　painful。　You　understand　me；
that　my　prayer　is　for　liberty；　that　I　may　not　be　tied。　If　you　can
release　and　pardon　me；　or　promise　ultimately　to　pardon　me；　or　say
some　kind　word；　I　shall　know　it　is　because　I　am　beneath　you
utterly　that　I　have　been　unable　to　give　you　the　love　you　should
have　with　a　wife。　Only　say　to　me；　go！　It　is　you　who　break　the
match；　discovering　my　want　of　a　heart。　What　people　think　of　me
matters　little。　My　anxiety　will　be　to　save　you　annoyance。〃

She　waited　for　him；　he　seemed　on　the　verge　of　speaking。

He　perceived　her　expectation；　he　had　nothing　but　clownish　tumult
within；　and　his　dignity　counselled　him　to　disappoint　her。

Swaying　his　head；　like　the　oriental　palm　whose　shade　is　a　blessing
to　the　perfervid　wanderer　below；　smiling　gravely；　he　was
indirectly　asking　his　dignity　what　he　could　say　to　maintain　it　and
deal　this　mad　young　woman　a　bitterly　compassionate　rebuke。　What　to
think；　hung　remoter。　The　thing　to　do　struck　him　first。

He　squeezed　both　her　hands；　threw　the　door　wide　open；　and　said；
with　countless　blinkings：　〃In　the　laboratory　we　are　uninterrupted。
I　was　at　a　loss　to　guess　where　that　most　unpleasant　effect　on　the
senses　came　from。　They　are　always　'guessing'　through　the　nose。　I
mean；　the　remainder　of　breakfast　here。　Perhaps　I　satirized　them
too　smartlyif　you　know　the　letters。　When　they　are　not
'calculating'。　More　offensive　than　debris　of　a　midnight　banquet！
An　American　tour　is　instructive；　though　not　so　romantic。　Not　so
romantic　as　Italy；　I　mean。　Let　us　escape。〃

She　held　back　from　his　arm。　She　had　scattered　his　brains；　it　was
pitiable：　but　she　was　in　the　torrent　and　could　not　suffer　a　pause
or　a　change　of　place。

〃It　must　be　here；　one　minute　moreI　cannot　go　elsewhere　to　begin
again。　Speak　to　me　here；　answer　my　request。　Once；　one　word。　If　you
forgive　me；　it　will　be　superhuman。　But；　release　me。〃

〃Seriously；〃　he　rejoined；　〃tea…cups　and　coffee…cups；　breadcrumbs。　
egg…shells；　caviare；　butter；　beef；　bacon！　Can　we？　The　room　reeks。〃

〃Then　I　will　go　for　my　walk　with　Miss　Dale。　And　you　will　speak　to
me　when　I　return？〃

〃At　all　seasons。　You　shall　go　with　Miss　Dale。　But；　my　dear！　my
love！　Seriously；　where　are　we？　One　hears　of　lover's　quarrels。　Now
I　never　quarrel。　It　is　a　characteristic　of　mine。　　And　you　speak　of
me　to　my　cousin　Vernon！　Seriously；　plighted　faith　signifies
plighted　faith；　as　much　as　an　iron…cable　is　iron　to　hold　by。　Some
little　twist　of　the　mind？　To　Vernon；　of　all　men！　Tush！　　she　has
been　dreaming　of　a　hero　of　perfection；　and　the　comparison　is
unfavourable　to　her　Willoughby。　But；　my　Clara；　when　I　say　to　you；
that　bride　is　bride；　and　you　are　mine；　mine！〃

〃Willoughby；　you　mentioned　them；those　separations　of　two
married。　You　said；　if　they　do　not　love　。　。　。　Oh！　say；　is　it　not
betterinstead　of　later？〃

He　took　advantage　of　her　modesty　in　speaking　to　exclaim。　〃Where
are　we　now？　Bride　is　bride；　and　wife　is　wife；　and　affianced　is；　in
honour；　wedded。　You　cannot　be　released。　We　are　united。　Recognize
it；　united。　There　is　no　possibility　of　releasing　a　wife！〃

〃Not　if　she　ran　。。。　？〃

This　was　too　direct　to　be　histrionically　misunderstood。　He　had
driven　her　to　the　extremity　of　more　distinctly　imagining　the
circumstance　she　had　cited；　and　with　that　cleared　view　the
desperate　creature　gloried　in　launching　such　a　bolt　at　the　man's
real　or　assumed　insensibility　as　must；　by　shivering　it；　waken　him。

But　in　a　moment　she　stood　in　burning　rose；　with　dimmed　eyesight。
She　saw　his　horror；　and；　seeing；　shared　it；　shared　just　then　only
by　seeing　it；　which　led　her　to　rejoice　with　the　deepest　of　sighs
that　some　shame　was　left　in　her。

〃Ran？　ran？　ran？〃　he　said　as　rapidly　as　he　blinked。　〃How？　where？
what　idea　。。。　？〃

Close　was　he　upon　an　explosion　that　would　have　sullied　his
conception　of　the　purity　of　the　younger　members　of　the　sex
hauntingly。

That　she；　a　young　lady；　maiden；　of　strictest　education；　should；
and　without　his　teaching；　know　that　wives　ran！know　that　by
running　they　compelled　their　husbands　to　abandon　pursuit；　surrender
possession！and　that　she　should　suggest　it　of　herself　as　a　wife！
that　she　should　speak　of　running！

His　ideal；　the　common　male　Egoist　ideal　of　a　waxwork　sex；　would
have　been　shocked　to　fragments　had　she　spoken　further　to　fill　in
the　outlines　of　these　awful　interjections。

She　was　tempted：　for　during　the　last　few　minutes　the　fire　of　her
situation　had　enlightened　her　understanding　upon　a　subject　far
from　her　as　the　ice…fields　of　the　North　a　short　while　before；　and
the　prospect　offered　to　her　courage　if　she　would　only　outstare
shame　and　seem　at　home　in　the　doings　of　wickedness；　was　his
loathing　and　dreading　so　vile　a　young　woman。　She　restrained
herself；　chiefly；　after　the　first　bridling　of　maidenly　timidity；
because　she　could　not　bear　to　lower　the　idea　of　her　sex　even　in
his　esteem。

The　door　was　open。　She　had　thoughts　of　flying　out　to　breathe　in　an
interval　of　truce。

She　reflected　on　her　situation　hurriedly　askance：

〃If　one　must　go　through　this；　to　be　disentangled　from　an
engagement；　what　must　it　be　to　poor　women　seeking　to　be　free　of　a
marriage？〃

Had　she　spoken　it；　Sir　Willoughby　might　have　learned　that　she　was
not　so　iniquitously　wise　of　the　things　of　this　world　as　her　mere
sex's　instinct；　roused　to　the　intemperateness　of　a　creature
struggling　with　fetters；　had　made　her　appear　in　her　dash　to　seize
a　weapon；　indicated　moreover　by　him。

Clara　took　up　the　old　broken　vow　of　women　to　vow　it　afresh：　〃Never
to　any　man　will　I　give　my　hand。〃

She　replied　to　Sir　Willoughby；　〃I　have　said　all。　I　cannot　explain
what　I　have　said。〃

She　had　heard　a　step　in　the　passage。　Vernon　entered。

Perceiving　them；　he　stated　his　mission　in　apology：　〃Doctor
Middleton　left　a　book　in　this　room。　I　see　it；　it's　a　Heinsius。〃

〃Ha！　by　the　way；　a　book；　books　would　not　be　left　here　if　they
were　not　brought　here；　with　my　compliments　to　Doctor　Middleton；
who　may　do　as　he　pleases；　though；　seriously；　order　is　order；〃　said
Sir　Willoughby。　〃Come　away　to　the　laboratory；　Clara。　It's　a
comment　on　human　beings　that　wherever　they　have　been　there's　a
mess；　and　you　admirers　of　them；〃　he　divided　a　sickly　nod　between
Vernon　and　the　stale　breakfast…table；　〃must　make　what　you　can　of
it。　Come；　Clara。〃

Clara　protested　that　she　was　engaged　to　walk　with　Miss　Dale。

〃Miss　Dale　is　waiting　in　the　hall；〃　said　Vernon。

〃Miss　Dale　is　waiting？〃　said　Clara。

〃Walk　with　Miss　Dale；　walk　with　Miss　Dale；〃　Sir　Willoughby　
remarked；　pressingly。　〃I　will　beg　her　to　wait　another　two　minutes。
You　shall　find　her　in　the　hall　when　you　come　down。〃

He　rang　the　bell　and　went　out。

〃Take　Miss　Dale　into　your　confidence；　she　is　quite　trustworthy；〃　
Vernon　said　to　Clara。

〃I　have　not　advanced　one　step；〃　she　replied。

〃Recollect　that　you　are　in　a　position　of　your　own　choosing；　and
if；　after　thinking　over　it；　you　mean　to　escape；　you　must　make　up
your　mind　to　pitched　battles；　and　not　be　dejected　if　you　are
beaten　in　all　of　them；　there　is　your　only　chance。〃

〃Not　my　choosing；　do　not　say　choosing；　Mr。　Whitford。　I　did　not
choose。　I　was　incapable　of　really　choosing。　I　consented。〃

〃It's　the　same　in　fact。　But　be　sure　of　what　you　wish。〃

〃Yes；〃　she　assented；　taking　it　for　her　just　punishment　that　she
should　be　supposed　not　quite　to　know　her　wishes。　〃Your　advice　has
helped　me　to…day。〃

〃Did　I　advise？〃

〃Do　you　regret　advising？〃

〃I　should　certainly　regret　a　word　that　intruded　between　you　and
him。〃

〃But　you　will　not　leave　the　Hall　yet？　You　will　not　leave　me
without　a　friend？　If　papa　and　I　were　to　leave　to…morrow；　I　foresee
endless　correspondence。　I　have　to　stay　at　lea