the egoist-第33部分

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


A　very　little　flatters　us！　Now；　do　you　not　admire　that　view？　It　is
my　favourite。〃

Clara　gazed　over　rolling　richness　of　foliage；　wood　and　water；　and
a　church…spire；　a　town　and　horizon　hills。　There　sung　a　sky…lark。

〃Not　even　the　bird　that　does　not　fly　away！〃　she　said；　meaning；　she
had　no　heart　for　the　bird　satisfied　to　rise　and　descend　in　this
place。

Laetitia　travelled　to　some　notion；　dim　and　immense；　of　Miss
Middleton's　fever　of　distaste。　She　shrunk　from　it　in　a　kind　of
dread　lest　it　might　be　contagious　and　rob　her　of　her　one　ever…fresh
possession　of　the　homely　picturesque；　but　Clara　melted　her　by
saying；　〃For　your　sake　I　could　love　it　。。。　in　time；　or　some　dear
old　English　scene。　Since　。。。　since　this　。。。　this　change　in　me；　I
find　I　cannot　separate　landscape　from　associations。　Now　I　learn
how　youth　goes。　I　have　grown　years　older　in　a　week。Miss　Dale；
if　he　were　to　give　me　my　freedom？　if　he　were　to　cast　me　off？　if　he
stood　alone？〃

〃I　should　pity　him。〃

〃Himnot　me！　Oh！　right！　I　hoped　you　would；　I　knew　you　would。〃

Laetitia's　attempt　to　shift　with　Miss　Middleton's　shiftiness　was
vain；　for　now　she　seemed　really　listening　to　the　language
of　Jealousy：jealous　of　the　ancient　Letty　Daleand　immediately　
before　the　tone　was　quite　void　of　it。

〃Yes；〃　she　said；　〃but　you　make　me　feel　myself　in　the　dark；　and
when　I　do　I　have　the　habit　of　throwing　myself　for　guidance　upon
such　light　as　I　have　within。　You　shall　know　me；　if　you　will；　as
well　as　I　know　myself。　And　do　not　think　me　far　from　the　point　when
I　say　I　have　a　feeble　health。　I　am　what　the　doctors　call　anaemic；
a　rather　bloodless　creature。　The　blood　is　life；　so　I　have　not　much
life。　Ten　years　backeleven；　if　I　must　be　precise；　I　thought　of
conquering　the　world　with　a　pen！　The　result　is　that　I　am　glad　of　a
fireside；　and　not　sure　of　always　having　one：　and　that　is　my
achievement。　My　days　are　monotonous；　but　if　I　have　a　dread；　it　is
that　there　will　be　an　alteration　in　them。　My　father　has　very
little　money。　We　subsist　on　what　private　income　he　has；　and　his
pension：　he　was　an　army　doctor。　I　may　by…and…by　have　to　live　in
a　town　for　pupils。　I　could　be　grateful　to　any　one　who　would　save
me　from　that。　I　should　be　astonished　at　his　choosing　to　have　me
burden　his　household　as　well。Have　I　now　explained　the　nature　of
my　pity？　It　would　be　the　pity　of　common　sympathy；　pure　lymph　of
pity；　as　nearly　disembodied　as　can　be。　Last　year's　sheddings　from
the　tree　do　not　form　an　attractive　garland。　Their　merit　is；　that
they　have　not　the　ambition。　I　am　like　them。　Now；　Miss　Middleton；　I
cannot　make　myself　more　bare　to　you。　I　hope　you　see　my　sincerity。〃

〃I　do　see　it；〃　Clara　said。

With　the　second　heaving　of　her　heart；　she　cried：　〃See　it；　and　envy
you　that　humility！　proud　if　I　could　ape　it！　Oh；　how　proud　if　I
could　speak　so　truthfully　true！You　would　not　have　spoken　so　to
me　without　some　good　feeling　out　of　which　friends　are　made。　That　I
am　sure　of。　To　be　very　truthful　to　a　person；　one　must　have　a
liking。　So　I　judge　by　myself。　Do　I　presume　too　much？〃

Kindness　was　on　Laetitia's　face。

〃But　now；〃　said　Clara；　swimming　on　the　wave　in　her　bosom；　〃I　tax
you　with　the　silliest　suspicion　ever　entertained　by　one　of　your
rank。　Lady；　you　have　deemed　me　capable　of　the　meanest　of　our
vices！Hold　this　hand；　Laetitia；　my　friend；　will　you？　Something
is　going　on　in　me。〃

Laetitia　took　her　hand；　and　saw　and　felt　that　something　was　going
on。

Clara　said；　〃You　are　a　woman。〃

It　was　her　effort　to　account　for　the　something。

She　swam　for　a　brilliant　instant　on　tears；　and　yielded　to　the
overflow。

When　they　had　fallen；　she　remarked　upon　her　first　long　breath
quite　coolly：　〃An　encouraging　picture　of　a　rebel；　is　it　not？〃

Her　companion　murmured　to　soothe　her。

〃It's　little；　it's　nothing；〃　said　Clara；　pained　to　keep　her　lips
in　line。

They　walked　forward；　holding　hands；　deep…hearted　to　one　another。

〃I　like　this　country　better　now；〃　the　shaken　girl　resumed。　〃I
could　lie　down　in　it　and　ask　only　for　sleep。　I　should　like　to
think　of　you　here。　How　nobly　self…respecting　you　must　be；　to　speak
as　you　did！　Our　dreams　of　heroes　and　heroines　are　cold　glitter
beside　the　reality。　I　have　been　lately　thinking　of　myself　as　an
outcast　of　my　sex；　and　to　have　a　good　woman　liking　me　a　little　。。。
loving？　Oh；　Laetitia；　my　friend；　I　should　have　kissed　you；　and　not
made　this　exhibition　of　myselfand　if　you　call　it　hysterics；　woe
to　you！　for　I　bit　my　tongue　to　keep　it　off　when　I　had　hardly
strength　to　bring　my　teeth　togetherif　that　idea　of　jealousy　had
not　been　in　your　head。　You　had　it　from　him。〃

〃I　have　not　alluded　to　it　in　any　word　that　I　can　recollect。〃

〃He　can　imagine　no　other　cause　for　my　wish　to　be　released。　I　have
noticed；　it　is　his　instinct　to　reckon　on　women　as　constant　by
their　nature。　They　are　the　needles；　and　he　the　magnet。　Jealousy
of　you；　Miss　Dale！　Laetitia；　may　I　speak？〃

〃Say　everything　you　please。〃

〃I　could　wish：Do　you　know　my　baptismal　name？〃

〃Clara。〃

〃At　last！　I　could　wish　。。。　that　is；　if　it　were　your　wish。　Yes；　I
could　wish　that。　Next　to　independence；　my　wish　would　be　that。　I
risk　offending　you。　Do　not　let　your　delicacy　take　arms　against
me。　I　wish　him　happy　in　the　only　way　that　he　can　be　made　happy。
There　is　my　jealousy。〃

〃Was　it　what　you　were　going　to　say　just　now？〃

〃No。〃

〃I　thought　not。〃

〃I　was　going　to　sayand　I　believe　the　rack　would　not　make　me
truthful　like　you；　Laetitiawell；　has　it　ever　struck　you：
remember；　I　do　see　his　merits；　I　speak　to　his　faithfullest　friend；
and　I　acknowledge　he　is　attractive；　he　has　manly　tastes　and
habits；　but　has　it　never　struck　you　。。。　I　have　no　right　to　ask；　I
know　that　men　must　have　faults；　I　do　not　expect　them　to　be　saints；
I　am　not　one；　I　wish　I　were。〃

〃Has　it　never　struck　me　。。。　？〃　Laetitia　prompted　her。

〃That　very　few　women　are　able　to　be　straightforwardly　sincere　in
their　speech；　however　much　they　may　desire　to　be？〃

〃They　are　differently　educated。　Great　misfortune　brings　it　to
them。〃

〃I　am　sure　your　answer　is　correct。　Have　you　ever　known　a　woman　who
was　entirely　an　Egoist？〃

〃Personally　known　one？　We　are　not　better　than　men。〃

〃I　do　not　pretend　that　we　are。　I　have　latterly　become　an　Egoist；
thinking　of　no　one　but　myself；　scheming　to　make　use　of　every　soul
I　meet。　But　then；　women　are　in　the　position　of　inferiors。　They　are
hardly　out　of　the　nursery　when　a　lasso　is　round　their　necks；　and
if　they　have　beauty；　no　wonder　they　turn　it　to　a　weapon　and　make
as　many　captives　as　they　can。　I　do　not　wonder！　My　sense　of　shame
at　my　natural　weakness　and　the　arrogance　of　men　would　urge　me　to
make　hundreds　captive；　if　that　is　being　a　coquette。　I　should　not
have　compassion　for　those　lofty　birds；　the　hawks。　To　see　them　with
their　wings　clipped　would　amuse　me。　Is　there　any　other　way　of
punishing　them？〃

〃Consider　what　you　lose　in　punishing　them。〃

〃I　consider　what　they　gain　if　we　do　not。〃

Laetitia　supposed　she　was　listening　to　discursive　observations　
upon　the　inequality　in　the　relations　of　the　sexes。　A　suspicion　of
a　drift　to　a　closer　meaning　had　been　lulled；　and　the　colour
flooded　her　swiftly　when　Clara　said：　〃Here　is　the　difference　I
see；　I　see　it；　I　am　certain　of　it：　women　who　are　called　coquettes
make　their　conquests　not　of　the　best　of　men；　but　men　who　are
Egoists　have　good　women　for　their　victims；　women　on　whose　devoted
constancy　they　feed；　they　drink　it　like　blood。　I　am　sure　I　am　not
taking　the　merely　feminine　view。　They　punish　themselves　too　by
passing　over　the　one　suitable　to　them；　who　could　really　give　them
what　they　crave　to　have；　and　they　go　where　they　。　。　。〃　Clara
stopped。　〃I　have　not　your　power　to　express　ideas；〃　she　said。

〃Miss　Middleton；　you　have　a　dreadful　power；〃　said　Laetitia。

Clara　smiled　affectionately。　〃I　am　not　aware　of　any。　Whose　cottage
is　this？〃

〃My　father's。　Will　you　not　come　in？　into　the　garden？〃

Clara　took　note　of　ivied　windows　and　roses　in　the　porch。　She
thanked　Laetitia　and　said：　〃I　will　call　for　you　in　an　hour。〃

〃Are　you　walking　on　the　road　alone？〃　said　Laetitia；　incredulously；
with　an　eye　to　Sir　Willoughby's　dismay。

〃I　put　my　trust　in　the　high…road；〃　Clara　replied；　and　turned
away；　but　turned　back　to　Laetitia　and　offered　her　face　to　be
kissed。

The　〃dreadful　power〃　of　this　young　lady　had　fervently　impressed　
Laetitia；　and　in　kissing　her　she　marvelled　at　her　gentleness　and
girlishness。

Clara　walked　on；　unconscious　of　her　possession　of　power　of　any
kind。


CHAPTER　XVII

The　Porcelain　Vase

During　the　term　of　Clara's　walk　with　Laetitia；　Sir　Willoughby's　
shrunken　self…esteem；　like　a　garment　hung　to　the　fire　after
exposure　to　tempestuous　weather；　recovered　some　of　the　sleekness
of　its　velvet　pile　in　the　society　of　Mrs。　Mountstuart　Jenkinson；
who　represented　to　him　the　world　he　feared　and　tried　to　keep　sunny
for　himself　by　all　the　arts　he　could　exercise。　She　expected　him
to　be　the　gay　Sir　Willoughby；　and　her　look　being　as　good　as　an
incantation　summons；　he　produced　the　accustomed　sprite；　giving　her
sally　for　sally。　Queens　govern　the　polite。　Popularity　with　men；
serviceable　as　it　is　for　winning　favouritism　with　women；　is　of
poor　value　to　a　sensitive　gentleman；　anxious　even　to　prognostic
apprehension　on　behalf　of　his　pride；　his　comfort　and　his
prevalence。　And　men　are　grossly　purchasable；　good　wines　have　them；
good　cigars；　a　goodfellow　air：　they　are　never　quite　worth　their
salt　even　then；　you　can　make　head　against　their　ill　looks。　But　the
looks　of　women　will　at　one　blow　work　on　you　the　downright
difference　which　is　between　the　cock　of　lordly　plume　and　the
moulting。　Happily　they　may　be　gained：　a　clever　tongue　will　gain
them；　a　leg。　They　are　with　you　to　a　certainty　if　Nature　is　with
you；　if　you　are　elegant　and　discreet：　if　the　sun　is　on　you；　and
they　see　you　shining　in　it；　or　if　they　have　seen　you　well…stationed
and　handsome　in　the　sun。　And　once　gained　they　are　your　mirrors
for　life；　and　far　more　constant　than　the　glass。　That　tale　of
their　caprice　is　absurd。　Hit　their　imaginations　once；　they　are
your　slaves；　only　demanding　common　courtier　service　of　you。　They
will　deny　that　you　are　ageing；　they　will　cover　you　from　scandal；
they　will　refuse　to　see　you　ridiculous。　Sir　Willou