the egoist-第37部分

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will　give　you　a　kiss。〃　Crossjay　promised。　She　left　him　and　forgot
him。

Seeing　by　her　watch　fifteen　minutes　to　the　ringing　of　the　bell；　a
sudden　resolve　that　she　would　speak　to　her　father　without　another
minute's　delay　had　prompted　her　like　a　superstitious　impulse　to
abandon　her　aimless　course　and　be　direct。　She　knew　what　was　good
for　her；　she　knew　it　now　more　clearly　than　in　the　morning。　To　be
taken　away　instantly！　was　her　cry。　There　could　be　no　further
doubt。　Had　there　been　any　before？　But　she　would　not　in　the　morning
have　suspected　herself　of　a　capacity　for　evil；　and　of　a　pressing
need　to　be　saved　from　herself。　She　was　not　pure　of　nature：　it　may
be　that　we　breed　saintly　souls　which　are：　she　was　pure　of　will：
fire　rather　than　ice。　And　in　beginning　to　see　the　elements　she
was　made　of　she　did　not　shuffle　them　to　a　heap　with　her　sweet
looks　to　front　her。　She　put　to　her　account　some　strength；　much
weakness；　she　almost　dared　to　gaze　unblinking　at　a　perilous　evil
tendency。　The　glimpse　of　it　drove　her　to　her　father。

〃He　must　take　me　away　at　once；　to…morrow！〃

She　wished　to　spare　her　father。　So　unsparing　of　herself　was　she；
that；　in　her　hesitation　to　speak　to　him　of　her　change　of　feeling
for　Sir　Willoughby；　she　would　not　suffer　it　to　be　attributed　in
her　own　mind　to　a　daughter's　anxious　consideration　about　her
father's　loneliness；　an　idea　she　had　indulged　formerly。
Acknowledging　that　it　was　imperative　she　should　speak；　she
understood　that　she　had　refrained；　even　to　the　inflicting　upon
herself　of　such　humiliation　as　to　run　dilating　on　her　woes　to
others。　because　of　the　silliest　of　human　desires　to　preserve　her
reputation　for　consistency。　She　had　heard　women　abused　for
shallowness　and　flightiness：　she　had　heard　her　father　denounce
them　as　veering　weather…vanes；　and　his　oft…repeated　quid　femina
possit：　for　her　sex's　sake；　and　also　to　appear　an　exception　to
her　sex；　this　reasoning　creature　desired　to　be　thought　consistent。

Just　on　the　instant　of　her　addressing　him；　saying：　〃Father；〃　a　note
of　seriousness　in　his　ear。　it　struck　her　that　the　occasion　for
saying　all　had　not　yet　arrived；　and　she　quickly　interposed：
〃Papa〃；　and　helped　him　to　look　lighter。　The　petition　to　be　taken
away　was　uttered。

〃To　London？〃　said　Dr。　Middleton。　〃I　don't　know　who'll　take　us　in。〃

〃To　France；　papa？〃

〃That　means　hotel…life。〃

〃Only　for　two　or　three　weeks。〃

〃Weeks！　I　am　under　an　engagement　to　dine　with　Mrs
Mountstuart　Jenkinson　five　days　hence：　that　is；　on　Thursday。〃

〃Could　we　not　find　an　excuse？〃

〃Break　an　engagement？　No；　my　dear；　not　even　to　escape　drinking　a
widow's　wine。〃

〃Does　a　word　bind　us？〃

〃Why；　what　else　should？〃

〃I　think　I　am　not　very　well。〃

〃We'll　call　in　that　man　we　met　at　dinner　here：　Corney：　a　capital
doctor；　an　old…fashioned　anecdotal　doctor。　How　is　it　you　are　not
well；　my　love？　You　look　well。　I　cannot　conceive　your　not　being
well。〃

〃It　is　only　that　I　want　change　of　air；　papa。〃

〃There　we　area　change！　semper　eadem！　Women　will　be　wanting　a
change　of　air　in　Paradise；　a　change　of　angels　too；　I　might　surmise。
A　change　from　quarters　like　these　to　a　French　hotel　would　be　a
descent！'this　the　seat；　this　mournful　gloom　for　that　celestial
light。？'　I　am　perfectly　at　home　in　the　library　here。　That
excellent　fellow　Whitford　and　I　have　real　days：　and　I　like　him　for
showing　fight　to　his　elder　and　better。〃

〃He　is　going　to　leave。〃

〃I　know　nothing　of　it；　and　I　shall　append　no　credit　to　the　tale
until　I　do　know。　He　is　headstrong；　but　he　answers　to　a　rap。〃

Clara's　bosom　heaved。　The　speechless　insurrection　threatened　her
eyes。

A　South…west　shower　lashed　the　window…panes　and　suggested　to　Dr。
Middleton　shuddering　visions　of　the　Channel　passage　on　board　a
steamer。

〃Corney　shall　see　you：　he　is　a　sparkling　draught　in　person；
probably　illiterate；　if　I　may　judge　from　one　interruption　of　my
discourse　when　he　sat　opposite　me；　but　lettered　enough　to　respect
Learning　and　write　out　his　prescription：　I　do　not　ask　more　of　men
or　of　physicians。〃　Dr。　Middleton　said　this　rising；　glancing　at　the
clock　and　at　the　back　of　his　hands。　〃'Quod　autem　secundum　litteras
difficillimum　esse　artificium？'　But　what　after　letters　is　the　more
difficult　practice？　'Ego　puto　medicum。'　The　medicus　next　to　the
scholar：　though　I　have　not　to　my　recollection　required　him　next
me；　nor　ever　expected　child　of　mine　to　be　crying　for　that　milk。
Daughter　she　isof　the　unexplained　sex：　we　will　send　a　messenger
for　Corney。　Change；　my　dear；　you　will　speedily　have；　to　satisfy
the　most　craving　of　women；　if　Willoughby；　as　I　suppose；　is　in　the
neoteric　fashion　of　spending　a　honeymoon　on　a　railway：　apt　image；
exposition　and　perpetuation　of　the　state　of　mania　conducting　to
the　institution！　In　my　time　we　lay　by　to　brood　on　happiness；　we
had　no　thought　of　chasing　it　over　a　continent；　mistaking
hurly…burly　clothed　in　dust　for　the　divinity　we　sought。　A　smaller
generation　sacrifices　to　excitement。　Dust　and　hurly…burly　must
perforce　be　the　issue。　And　that　is　your　modern　world。　Now；　my
dear；　let　us　go　and　wash　our　hands。　Midday…bells　expect　immediate
attention。　They　know　of　no　anteroom　of　assembly。〃

Clara　stood　gathered　up；　despairing　at　opportunity　lost。　He　had
noticed　her　contracted　shape　and　her　eyes；　and　had　talked
magisterially　to　smother　and　overbear　the　something　disagreeable　
prefigured　in　her　appearance。

〃You　do　not　despise　your　girl；　father？〃

I　do　not；　I　could　not；　I　love　her；　I　love　my　girl。　But　you　need
not　sing　to　me　like　a　gnat　to　propound　that　question；　my　dear。〃

〃Then；　father；　tell　Willoughby　to…day　we　have　to　leave　tomorrow。　
You　shall　return　in　time　for　Mrs。　Mountstuart's　dinner。　Friends
will　take　us　in；　the　Darletons；　the　Erpinghams。　We　can　go　to
Oxford；　where　you　are　sure　of　welcome。　A　little　will　recover　me。
Do　not　mention　doctors。　But　you　see　I　am　nervous。　I　am　quite
ashamed　of　it；　I　am　well　enough　to　laugh　at　it；　only　I　cannot
overcome　it；　and　I　feel　that　a　day　or　two　will　restore　me。　Say　you
will。　Say　it　in　First…Lesson…Book　language；　anything　above　a
primer　splits　my　foolish　head　to…day。〃

Dr　Middleton　shrugged；　spreading　out　his　arms。

〃The　office　of　ambassador　from　you　to　Willoughby；　Clara？　You
decree　me　to　the　part　of　ball　between　two　bats。　The　Play　being
assured；　the　prologue　is　a　bladder　of　wind。　I　seem　to　be
instructed　in　one　of　the　mysteries　of　erotic　esotery；　yet　on　my
word　I　am　no　wiser。　If　Willoughby　is　to　hear　anything　from　you；　he
will　hear　it　from　your　lips。〃

〃Yes；　father；　yes。　We　have　differences。　I　am　not　fit　for　contests
at　present；　my　head　is　giddy。　I　wish　to　avoid　an　illness。　He　and
I　。。。　I　accuse　myself。〃

〃There　is　the　bell！〃　ejaculated　Dr。　Middleton。　〃I'll　debate　on　it
with　Willoughby。〃

〃This　afternoon？〃

〃Somewhen；　before　the　dinner…bell。　I　cannot　tie　myself　to　the
minute…hand　of　the　clock；　my　dear　child。　And　let　me　direct　you；
for　the　next　occasion　when　you　shall　bring　the　vowels　I　and　A；　in
verbally　detached　letters；　into　collision；　that　you　do　not　fill
the　hiatus　with　so　pronounced　a　Y。　It　is　the　vulgarization　of　our
tongue　of　which　I　accuse　you。　I　do　not　like　my　girl　to　be　guilty
of　it。〃

He　smiled　to　moderate　the　severity　of　the　correction；　and　kissed
her　forehead。

She　declared　her　inability　to　sit　and　eat；　she　went　to　her　room；
after　begging　him　very　earnestly　to　send　her　the　assurance　that　he
had　spoken。　She　had　not　shed　a　tear；　and　she　rejoiced　in　her
self…control；　it　whispered　to　her　of　true　courage　when　she　had
given　herself　such　evidence　of　the　reverse。

Shower　and　sunshine　alternated　through　the　half…hours　of　the
afternoon；　like　a　procession　of　dark　and　fair　holding　hands　and
passing。　The　shadow　came；　and　she　was　chill；　the　light　yellow　in
moisture；　and　she　buried　her　face　not　to　be　caught　up　by
cheerfulness。　Believing　that　her　head　ached；　she　afflicted　herself
with　all　the　heavy　symptoms；　and　oppressed　her　mind　so　thoroughly
that　its　occupation　was　to　speculate　on　Laetitia　Dale's　modest
enthusiasm　for　rural　pleasures；　for　this　place　especially；　with
its　rich　foliage　and　peeps　of　scenic　peace。　The　prospect　of　an
escape　from　it　inspired　thoughts　of　a　loveable　round　of　life　where
the　sun　was　not　a　naked　ball　of　fire；　but　a　friend　clothed　in
woodland；　where　park　and　meadow　swept　to　well…known　features　East
and　West；　and　distantly　circling　hills；　and　the　hearts　of　poor
cottagers　toosympathy　with　whom　assured　her　of　goodnesswere
familiar；　homely　to　the　dweller　in　the　place；　morning　and　night。
And　she　had　the　love　of　wild　flowers；　the　watchful　happiness　in
the　seasons；　poets　thrilled　her；　books　absorbed。　She　dwelt
strongly　on　that　sincerity　of　feeling；　it　gave　her　root　in　our
earth；　she　needed　it　as　she　pressed　a　hand　on　her　eyeballs；
conscious　of　acting　the　invalid；　though　the　reasons　she　had　for
languishing　under　headache　were　so　convincing　that　her　brain
refused　to　disbelieve　in　it　and　went　some　way　to　produce　positive
throbs。　Otherwise　she　had　no　excuse　for　shutting　herself　in　her
room。　Vernon　Whitford　would　be　sceptical。　Headache　or　none；
Colonel　De　Craye　must　be　thinking　strangely　of　her；　she　had　not
shown　him　any　sign　of　illness。　His　laughter　and　his　talk　sung
about　her　and　dispersed　the　fiction；　he　was　the　very　sea…wind　for
bracing　unstrung　nerves。　Her　ideas　reverted　to　Sir　Willoughby；　and
at　once　they　had　no　more　cohesion　than　the　foam　on　a
torrent…water。

But　soon　she　was　undergoing　a　variation　of　sentiment。
Her　maid　Barclay　brought　her　this　pencilled　line　from　her　father：

〃Factum　est；　laetus　est；　amantium　irae；　etc。〃

That　it　was　done；　that　Willoughby　had　put　on　an　air　of　glad
acquiescence；　and　that　her　father　assumed　the　existence　of　a
lovers〃　quarrel；　was　wonderful　to　her　at　first　sight；　simple　the
succeeding　minute。　Willoughby　indeed　must　be　tired　of　her；　glad　of
her　going。　He　would　know　that　it　was　not　to　return。　She　was
grateful　to　him　for　perhaps　hinting　at　the　amantium　irae；　though
she　rejected　the　folly　of　the　verse。　And　she　gazed　over　dear
homely　country　through　her　windows　now。　Happy　the　lady　of　the
place；　if　happy　she　can　be　in　her　choice！　Clara　Middleton　envied
her　the　double…blossom　wild　cherry…tree；　nothing　else。　One　sprig
of　it；　if　i