the egoist-第41部分

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century　old。　They　are　anti…climax；　recoil；　cross…current；　morally；
they　are　repentance；　penance；　imagerially；　the　frozen　North　on　the
young　brown　buds　bursting　to　green。　What　know　they　of　a　critic　in
the　palate；　and　a　frame　all　revelry！　And　mark　you；　revelry　in
sobriety；　containment　in　exultation；　classic　revelry。　Can　they；
dear　though　they　be　to　us；　light　up　candelabras　in　the　brain；　to
illuminate　all　history　and　solve　the　secret　of　the　destiny　of　man？
They　cannot；　they　cannot　sympathize　with　them　that　can。　So
therefore　this　division　is　between　us；　yet　are　we　not　turbaned
Orientals；　nor　are　they　inmates　of　the　harem。　We　are　not　Moslem。
Be　assured　of　it　in　the　contemplation　of　the　table's　decanter。

Dr　Middleton　said：　〃Then　I　go　straight　to　bed。〃

〃I　will　conduct　you　to　your　door；　sir；〃　said　his　host。

The　piano　was　heard。　Dr。　Middleton　laid　his　hand　on　the　banisters；
and　remarked：　〃The　ladies　must　have　gone　to　bed？〃

Vernon　came　out　of　the　library　and　was　hailed；　〃Fellow…student！〃

He　waved　a　good…night　to　the　Doctor；　and　said　to　Willoughby：　〃The
ladies　are　in　the　drawing…room。〃

〃I　am　on　my　way　upstairs；〃　was　the　reply。

〃Solitude　and　sleep；　after　such　a　wine　as　that；　and　forefend　us
human　society！〃　the　Doctor　shouted。　〃But；　Willoughby！〃

〃Sir。〃

〃One　to…morrow。〃

〃You　dispose　of　the　cellar；　sir。〃

〃I　am　fitter　to　drive　the　horses　of　the　sun。　I　would　rigidly
counsel；　one；　and　no　more。　We　have　made　a　breach　in　the　fiftieth
dozen。　Daily　one　will　preserve　us　from　having　to　name　the　fortieth
quite　so　unseasonably。　The　couple　of　bottles　per　diem
prognosticates　disintegration；　with　its　accompanying　recklessness。
Constitutionally；　let　me　add；　I　bear　three。　I　speak　for
posterity。〃

During　Dr。　Middleton's　allocution　the　ladies　issued　from　the
drawing…room；　Clara　foremost；　for　she　had　heard　her　father's
voice；　and　desired　to　ask　him　this　in　reference　to　their
departure：　〃Papa；　will　you　tell　me　the　hour　to…morrow？〃

She　ran　up　the　stairs　to　kiss　him；　saying　again：　〃When　will　you　be
ready　to…morrow　morning？〃

Dr　Middleton　announced　a　stoutly　deliberative　mind　in　the
bugle…notes　of　a　repeated　ahem。　He　bethought　him　of　replying　in
his　doctorial　tongue。　Clara's　eager　face　admonished　him　to
brevity：　it　began　to　look　starved。　Intruding　on　his　vision　of　the
houris　couched　in　the　inner　cellar　to　be　the　reward　of　valiant
men；　it　annoyed　him。　His　brows　joined。　He　said：　〃I　shall　not　be
ready　to…morrow　morning。〃

〃In　the　afternoon？〃

〃Nor　in　the　afternoon。〃

〃When？〃

〃My　dear；　I　am　ready　for　bed　at　this　moment；　and　know　of　no　other
readiness。　Ladies；〃　he　bowed　to　the　group　in　the　hall　below　him；
〃may　fair　dreams　pay　court　to　you　this　night！〃

Sir　Willoughby　had　hastily　descended　and　shaken　the　hands　of　the
ladies；　directed　Horace　De　Craye　to　the　laboratory　for　a
smoking…room；　and　returned　to　Dr。　Middleton。　Vexed　by　the　scene；
uncertain　of　his　temper　if　he　stayed　with　Clara；　for　whom　he　had
arranged　that　her　disappointment　should　take　place　on　the　morrow；
in　his　absence；　he　said：　〃Good…night；　good…night；〃　to　her；　with
due　fervour；　bending　over　her　flaccid　finger…tips；　then　offered
his　arm　to　the　Rev。　Doctor。

〃Ay；　son　Willoughby；　in　friendliness；　if　you　will；　though　I　am　a
man　to　bear　my　load；〃　the　father　of　the　stupefied　girl　addressed
him。　〃Candles；　I　believe；　are　on　the　first　landing。　Good…night；
my　love。　Clara！〃

〃Papa！〃

〃Good…night。〃

〃Oh！〃　she　lifted　her　breast　with　the　interjection；　standing　in
shame　of　the　curtained　conspiracy　and　herself；　〃good　night〃。

Her　father　wound　up　the　stairs。　She　stepped　down。

〃There　was　an　understanding　that　papa　and　I　should　go　to　London
to…morrow　early；〃　she　said；　unconcernedly；　to　the　ladies；　and　her
voice　was　clear；　but　her　face　too　legible。　De　Craye　was　heartily
unhappy　at　the　sight。



CHAPTER　XXI

Clara's　Meditations

Two　were　sleepless　that　night：　Miss　Middleton　and　Colonel　De
Craye。

She　was　in　a　fever；　lying　like　stone；　with　her　brain　burning。
Quick　natures　run　out　to　calamity　in　any　little　shadow　of　it　flung
before。　Terrors　of　apprehension　drive　them。　They　stop　not　short　of
the　uttermost　when　they　are　on　the　wings　of　dread。　A　frown　means
tempest；　a　wind　wreck；　to　see　fire　is　to　be　seized　by　it。　When　it
is　the　approach　of　their　loathing　that　they　fear；　they　are　in　the
tragedy　of　the　embrace　at　a　breath；　and　then　is　the　wrestle
between　themselves　and　horror；　between　themselves　and　evil；　which
promises　aid；　themselves　and　weakness；　which　calls　on　evil；
themselves　and　the　better　part　of　them；　which　whispers　no
beguilement。

The　false　course　she　had　taken　through　sophistical　cowardice
appalled　the　girl；　she　was　lost。　The　advantage　taken　of　it　by
Willoughby　put　on　the　form　of　strength；　and　made　her　feel　abject；
reptilious；　she　was　lost；　carried　away　on　the　flood　of　the
cataract。　He　had　won　her　father　for　an　ally。　Strangely；　she　knew
not　how；　he　had　succeeded　in　swaying　her　father；　who　had
previously　not　more　than　tolerated　him。　〃Son　Willoughby〃　on　her
father's　lips　meant　something　that　scenes　and　scenes　would　have　to
struggle　with；　to　the　out…wearying　of　her　father　and　herself。　She
revolved　the　〃Son　Willoughby〃　through　moods　of　stupefaction；
contempt；　revolt；　subjection。　It　meant　that　she　was　vanquished。
It　meant　that　her　father's　esteem　for　her　was　forfeited。　She　saw
him　a　gigantic　image　of　discomposure。

Her　recognition　of　her　cowardly　feebleness　brought　the　brood　of
fatalism。　What　was　the　right　of　so　miserable　a　creature　as　she　to
excite　disturbance；　let　her　fortunes　be　good　or　ill？　It　would　be
quieter　to　float；　kinder　to　everybody。　Thank　heaven　for　the
chances　of　a　short　life！　Once　in　a　net；　desperation　is　graceless。
We　may　be　brutes　in　our　earthly　destinies：　in　our　endurance　of
them　we　need　not　be　brutish。

She　was　now　in　the　luxury　of　passivity；　when　we　throw　our　burden
on　the　Powers　above；　and　do　not　love　them。　The　need　to　love　them
drew　her　out　of　it；　that　she　might　strive　with　the　unbearable；　and
by　sheer　striving；　even　though　she　were　graceless；　come　to　love
them　humbly。　It　is　here　that　the　seed　of　good　teaching　supports　a
soul；　for　the　condition　might　be　mapped；　and　where　kismet　whispers
us　to　shut　eyes；　and　instruction　bids　us　look　up；　is　at　a
well…marked　cross…road　of　the　contest。

Quick　of　sensation；　but　not　courageously　resolved；　she　perceived　
how　blunderingly　she　had　acted。　For　a　punishment；　it　seemed　to　her
that　she　who　had　not　known　her　mind　must　learn　to　conquer　her
nature；　and　submit。　She　had　accepted　Willoughby；　therefore　she
accepted　him。　The　fact　became　a　matter　of　the　past；　past　debating。

In　the　abstract　this　contemplation　of　circumstances　went　well。　A
plain　duty　lay　in　her　way。　And　then　a　disembodied　thought　flew
round　her；　comparing　her　with　Vernon　to　her　discredit。　He　had　for
years　borne　much　that　was　distasteful　to　him；　for　the　purpose　of
studying；　and　with　his　poor　income　helping　the　poorer　than
himself。　She　dwelt　on　him　in　pity　and　envy；　he　had　lived　in　this
place；　and　so　must　she；　and　he　had　not　been　dishonoured　by　his
modesty：　he　had　not　failed　of　self…control；　because　he　had　a　life
within。　She　was　almost　imagining　she　might　imitate　him　when　the
clash　of　a　sharp　physical　thought；　〃The　difference！　the
difference！〃　told　her　she　was　woman　and　never　could　submit。　Can　a
woman　have　an　inner　life　apart　from　him　she　is　yoked　to？　She　tried
to　nestle　deep　away　in　herself：　in　some　corner　where　the　abstract
view　had　comforted　her；　to　flee　from　thinking　as　her　feminine
blood　directed。　It　was　a　vain　effort。　The　difference；　the　cruel
fate；　the　defencelessness　of　women；　pursued　her；　strung　her　to
wild　horses〃　backs；　tossed　her　on　savage　wastes。　In　her　case　duty
was　shame：　hence；　it　could　not　be　broadly　duty。　That　intolerable
difference　proscribed　the　word。

But　the　fire　of　a　brain　burning　high　and　kindling　everything
lighted　up　herself　against　herself。Was　one　so　volatile　as　she　a
person　with　a　will？Were　they　not　a　multitude　of　flitting　wishes
that　she　took　for　a　will？　Was　she；　feather…headed　that　she　was；　a
person　to　make　a　stand　on　physical　pride？If　she　could　yield　her
hand　without　reflection　（as　she　conceived　she　had　done；　from
incapacity　to　conceive　herself　doing　it　reflectively）　was　she　much
better　than　purchaseable　stuff　that　has　nothing　to　say　to　the
bargain？

Furthermore；　said　her　incandescent　reason；　she　had　not　suspected　
such　art　of　cunning　in　Willoughby。　Then　might　she　not　be　deceived
altogethermight　she　not　have　misread　him？　Stronger　than　she
had　fancied；　might　he　not　be　likewise　more　estimable？　The　world
was　favourable　to　him；　he　was　prized　by　his　friends。

She　reviewed　him。　It　was　all　in　one　flash。　It　was　not　much　less
intentionally　favourable　than　the　world's　review　and　that　of　his
friends；　but；　beginning　with　the　idea　of　them；　she　recollected
heard　Willoughby's　voice　pronouncing　his　opinion　of　his　friends
and　the　world；　of　Vernon　Whitford　and　Colonel　De　Craye　for
example；　and　of　men　and　women。　An　undefined　agreement　to　have　the
same　regard　for　him　as　his　friends　and　the　world　had；　provided
that　he　kept　at　the　same　distance　from　her；　was　the　termination　of
this　phase；　occupying　about　a　minute　in　time；　and　reached　through
a　series　of　intensely　vivid　pictures：his　face；　at　her　petition
to　be　released；　lowering　behind　them　for　a　background　and　a
comment。

〃I　cannot！　I　cannot！〃　she　cried；　aloud；　and　it　struck　her　that　her
repulsion　was　a　holy　warning。　Better　be　graceless　than　a　loathing
wife：　better　appear　inconsistent。　Why　should　she　not　appear　such
as　she　was？

Why？　We　answer　that　question　usually　in　angry　reliance　on　certain
superb　qualities；　injured　fine　qualities　of　ours　undiscovered　by
the　world；　not　much　more　than　suspected　by　ourselves；　which　are
still　our　fortress；　where　pride　sits　at　home；　solitary　and
impervious　as　an　octogenarian　conservative。　But　it　is　not　possible
to　answer　it　so　when　the　brain　is　rageing　like　a　pine…torch　and
the　devouring　illumination　leaves　not　a　spot　of　our　nature　covert。
The　aspect　of　her　weakness　was　unrelieved；　and　frightened　her　back
to　her　loathing。　From　her　loathing；　as　soon　as　her　sensations　had
quickened　to　realize　it；　she　was　hurled　on　h