the egoist-第56部分

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wondered　that　it　should　belie　its　reputation　in　not　fortifying　
her；　but　rendering　her　painfully　susceptible　to　his　remarks。

〃Mr。　Whitford；　I　need　not　seek　to　know　what　you　think　of　me。〃

〃What　I　think？　I　don't　think　at　all；　I　wish　to　serve　you　if　I
can。〃

〃Am　I　right　in　supposing　you　a　little　afraid　of　me？　You　should　not
be。　I　have　deceived　no　one。　I　have　opened　my　heart　to　you；　and　am
not　ashamed　of　having　done　so。〃

〃It　is　an　excellent　habit；　they　say。〃

〃It　is　not　a　habit　with　me。〃

He　was　touched；　and　for　that　reason；　in　his　dissatisfaction　with
himself；　not　unwilling　to　hurt。　〃We　take　our　turn；　Miss　Middleton。
I'm　no　hero；　and　a　bad　conspirator；　so　I　am　not　of　much　avail。〃

〃You　have　been　reservedbut　I　am　going；　and　I　leave　my　character
behind。　You　condemned　me　to　the　poison…bowl；　you　have　not　touched
it　yourself〃

〃In　vino　veritas：　if　I　do　I　shall　be　speaking　my　mind。〃

〃Then　do；　for　the　sake　of　mind　and　body。〃

〃It　won't　be　complimentary。〃

〃You　can　be　harsh。　Only　say　everything。〃

〃Have　we　time？〃

They　looked　at　their　watches。

〃Six　minutes；〃　Clara　said。

Vernon's　had　stopped；　penetrated　by　his　total　drenching。

She　reproached　herself。　He　laughed　to　quiet　her。　〃My　dies　solemnes
are　sure　to　give　me　duckings；　I'm　used　to　them。　As　for　the　watch；
it　will　remind　me　that　it　stopped　when　you　went。〃

She　raised　the　glass　to　him。　She　was　happier　and　hoped　for　some
little　harshness　and　kindness　mixed　that　she　might　carry　away　to
travel　with　and　think　over。

He　turned　the　glass　as　she　had　given　it；　turned　it　round　in
putting　it　to　his　lips：　a　scarce　perceptible　manoeuvre；　but　that
she　had　given　it　expressly　on　one　side。

It　may　be　hoped　that　it　was　not　done　by　design。　Done　even
accidentally；　without　a　taint　of　contrivance；　it　was　an　affliction
to　see；　and　coiled　through　her；　causing　her　to　shrink　and　redden。

Fugitives　are　subject　to　strange　incidents；　they　are　not　vessels　
lying　safe　in　harbour。　She　shut　her　lips　tight；　as　if　they　had
stung。　The　realizing　sensitiveness　of　her　quick　nature　accused
them　of　a　loss　of　bloom。　And　the　man　who　made　her　smart　like　this
was　formal　as　a　railway　official　on　a　platform。

〃Now　we　are　both　pledged　in　the　poison…bowl；〃　said　he。　〃And　it
has　the　taste　of　rank　poison；　I　confess。　But　the　doctor　prescribed
it；　and　at　sea　we　must　be　sailors。　Now；　Miss　Middleton；　time
presses：　will　you　return　with　me？〃

〃No！　no！〃

〃Where　do　you　propose　to　go？〃

〃To　London；　to　a　friendMiss　Darleton。〃

〃What　message　is　there　for　your　father？〃

〃Say　I　have　left　a　letter　for　him　in　a　letter　to　be　delivered　to
you。

〃To　me！　And　what　message　for　Willoughby？〃

〃My　maid　Barclay　will　hand　him　a　letter　at　noon。〃

〃You　have　sealed　Crossjay's　fate。〃

〃How？〃

〃He　is　probably　at　this　instant　undergoing　an　interrogation。　You
may　guess　at　his　replies。　The　letter　will　expose　him；　and
Willoughby　does　not　pardon。〃

〃I　regret　it。　I　cannot　avoid　it。　Poor　boy！　My　dear　Crossjay！　I
did　not　think　of　how　Willoughby　might　punish　him。　I　was　very
thoughtless。　Mr。　Whitford；　my　pin…money　shall　go　for　his
education。　Later；　when　I　am　a　little　older；　I　shall　be　able　to
support　him。〃

〃That's　an　encumbrance；　you　should　not　tie　yourself　to　drag　it
about。　You　are　unalterable；　of　course；　but　circumstances　are　not；
and　as　it　happens；　women　are　more　subject　to　them　than　we　are。〃

〃But　I　will　not　be！〃

〃Your　command　of　them　is　shown　at　the　present　moment。〃

〃Because　I　determine　to　be　free？〃

〃No：　because　you　do　the　contrary；　you　don't　determine：　you　run
away　from　the　difficulty；　and　leave　it　to　your　father　and　friends
to　bear。　As　for　Crossjay；　you　see　you　destroy　one　of　his　chances。
I　should　have　carried　him　off　before　this；　if　I　had　not　thought　it
prudent　to　keep　him　on　terms　with　Willoughby。　We'll　let　Crossjay
stand　aside。　He'll　behave　like　a　man　of　honour；　imitating　others
who　have　had　to　do　the　same　for　ladies。〃

〃Have　spoken　falsely　to　shelter　cowards；　you　mean；　Mr。　Whitford。
Oh；　I　know。I　have　but　two　minutes。　The　die　is　cast。　I　cannot　go
back。　I　must　get　ready。　Will　you　see　me　to　the　station？　I　would
rather　you　should　hurry　home。〃

〃I　will　see　the　last　of　you。　I　will　wait　for　you　here。　An　express
runs　ahead　of　your　train；　and　I　have　arranged　with　the　clerk　for　a
signal；　I　have　an　eye　on　the　window。〃

〃You　are　still　my　best　friend；　Mr。　Whitford。〃

〃Though？〃

〃Well；　though　you　do　not　perfectly　understand　what　torments　have
driven　me　to　this。〃

〃Carried　on　tides　and　blown　by　winds？〃

〃Ah！　you　do　not　understand。〃

〃Mysteries？〃

〃Sufferings　are　not　mysteries；　they　are　very　simple　facts。〃

〃Well；　then；　I　don't　understand。　But　decide　at　once。　I　wish　you　to
have　your　free　will。〃

She　left　the　room。

Dry　stockings　and　boots　are　better　for　travelling　in　than　wet
ones；　but　in　spite　of　her　direct　resolve；　she　felt　when　drawing　
them　on　like　one　that　has　been　tripped。　The　goal　was　desirable；　
the　ardour　was　damped。　Vernon's　wish　that　she　should　have　her　free
will　compelled　her　to　sound　it：　and　it　was　of　course　to　go；　to　be
liberated；　to　cast　off　incubus　and　hurt　her　father？　injure
Crossjay？　distress　her　friends？　No；　and　ten　times　no！

She　returned　to　Vernon　in　haste；　to　shun　the　reflex　of　her　mind。

He　was　looking　at　a　closed　carriage　drawn　up　at　the　station　door。

〃Shall　we　run　over　now；　Mr。　Whitford？〃

〃There's　no　signal。　Here　it's　not　so　chilly。〃

I　ventured　to　enclose　my　letter　to　papa　in　yours；　trusting　you
would　attend　to　my　request　to　you　to　break　the　news　to　him　gently
and　plead　for　me。〃

〃We　will　all　do　the　utmost　we　can。〃

〃I　am　doomed　to　vex　those　who　care　for　me。　I　tried　to　follow　your
counsel。〃

〃First　you　spoke　to　me；　and　then　you　spoke　to　Miss　Dale；　and　at
least　you　have　a　clear　conscience。〃

〃No。〃

〃What　burdens　it？〃

〃I　have　done　nothing　to　burden　it。〃

〃Then　it's　a　clear　conscience。〃

〃No。〃

Vernon's　shoulders　jerked。　Our　patience　with　an　innocent　duplicity
in　women　is　measured　by　the　place　it　assigns　to　us　and　another。　If
he　had　liked　he　could　have　thought：　〃You　have　not　done　but
meditated　something　to　trouble　conscience。〃　That　was　evident；　and
her　speaking　of　it　was　proof　too　of　the　willingness　to　be　dear。　He
would　not　help　her。　Man's　blood；　which　is　the　link　with　women　and
responsive　to　them　on　the　instant　for　or　against；　obscured　him。　He
shrugged　anew　when　she　said：　〃My　character　would　have　been
degraded　utterly　by　my　staying　there。　Could　you　advise　it？〃

〃Certainly　not　the　degradation　of　your　character；〃　he　said；　black
on　the　subject　of　De　Craye；　and　not　lightened　by　feelings　which
made　him　sharply　sensible　of　the　beggarly　dependant　that　he　was；
or　poor　adventuring　scribbler　that　he　was　to　become。

〃Why　did　you　pursue　me　and　wish　to　stop　me；　Mr。　Whitford？〃　said
Clara；　on　the　spur　of　a　wound　from　his　tone。

He　replied：　〃I　suppose　I'm　a　busybody；　I　was　never　aware　of　it
till　now。〃

〃You　are　my　friend。　Only　you　speak　in　irony　so　much。　　That　was
irony；　about　my　clear　conscience。　I　spoke　to　you　and　to　Miss　Dale：
and　then　I　rested　and　drifted。　Can　you　not　feel　for　me；　that　to
mention　it　is　like　a　scorching　furnace？　Willoughby　has　entangled
papa。　He　schemes　incessantly　to　keep　me　entangled。　I　fly　from　his
cunning　as　much　as　from　anything。　I　dread　it。　I　have　told　you
that　I　am　more　to　blame　than　he；　but　I　must　accuse　him。　　And
wedding…presents！　and　congratulations！　And　to　be　his　guest！〃

〃All　that　makes　up　a　plea　in　mitigation；〃　said　Vernon。

〃Is　it　not　sufficient　for　you？〃　she　asked　him　timidly。

〃You　have　a　masculine　good　sense　that　tells　you　you　won't　be
respected　if　you　run。　Three　more　days　there　might　cover　a　retreat
with　your　father。〃

〃He　will　not　listen　to　me。　He　confuses　me；　Willoughby　has
bewitched　him。〃

〃Commission　me：　I　will　see　that　he　listens。〃

〃And　go　back？　Oh；　no！　To　London！　Besides；　there　is　the　dining　with
Mrs。　Mountstuart　this　evening；　and　I　like　her　very　well；　but　I
must　avoid　her。　She　has　a　kind　of　idolatry　。。。　And　what　answers
can　I　give？　I　supplicate　her　with　looks。　She　observes　them；　my
efforts　to　divert　them　from　being　painful　produce　a　comic
expression　to　her；　and　I　am　a　charming　'rogue'；　and　I　am
entertained　on　the　topic　she　assumes　to　be　principally　interesting
me。　I　must　avoid　her。　The　thought　of　her　leaves　me　no　choice。　She
is　clever。　She　could　tattoo　me　with　epigrams。〃

〃Stay。。　there　you　can　hold　your　own。〃

〃She　has　told　me　you　give　me　credit　for　a　spice　of　wit。　I　have　not
discovered　my　possession。　We　have　spoken　of　it；　we　call　it　your
delusion。　She　grants　me　some　beauty；　that　must　be　hers。〃

〃There's　no　delusion　in　one　case　or　the　other；　Miss　Middleton。　You
have　beauty　and　wit；　public　opinion　will　say；　wildness：　
indifference　to　your　reputation　will　be　charged　on　you；　and　your
friends　will　have　to　admit　it。　But　you　will　be　out　of　this
difficulty。〃

〃Ahto　weave　a　second？〃

〃Impossible　to　judge　until　we　see　how　you　escape　the　first。　And　I
have　no　more　to　say。　I　love　your　father。　His　humour　of
sententiousness　and　doctorial　stilts　is　a　mask　he　delights　in；　but
you　ought　to　know　him　and　not　be　frightened　by　it。　If　you　sat　with
him　an　hour　at　a　Latin　task；　and　if　you　took　his　hand　and　told
him　you　could　not　leave　him；　and　no　tears！he　would　answer　you
at　once。　It　would　involve　a　day　or　two　further；　disagreeable　to
you；　no　doubt：　preferable　to　the　present　mode　of　escape；　as　I
think。　But　I　have　no　power　whatever　to　persuade。　I　have　not　the
'lady's　tongue'。　My　appeal　is　always　to　reason。〃

〃It　is　a　compliment。　I　loathe　the　'lady's　tongue'。〃

〃It's　a　distinctly　good　gift；　and　I　wish　I　had　it。　I　might　have
succeeded　instead　of　failing；　and　appearing　to　pay　a　compliment。〃

〃Surely　the　express　train　is　very　late；　Mr。　Whitford？〃

〃The　express　has　gone　by。〃

〃Then　we　will　cross　over。〃

〃You　would　rather　not　be　seen　by　Mrs。　Mountstuart。　That　is　her
carriage　drawn　up　at　the　station；　and　she　is　in　it。〃

Clara　looked；　and　with　the　sinking　of　her　heart　said：　〃I　must
brave　her！〃

〃In　that　case　I　will　take　my　leave　of　you　here；　Miss　Middleton。〃

She　gave　him　her　hand。　〃Why　is　Mrs。　Mountstuart　at　the　station
to…day？〃

〃I　suppose　she　has　driven　to　meet　one　of　the　guests　for　her