the egoist-第59部分

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〃Barclay　speaks　of　a　letter　for　me；〃　Willoughby　said　to　Clara；
〃marked　to　be　delivered　to　me　at　noon！〃

〃In　case　of　my　not　being　back　earlier；　it　was　written　to　avert
anxiety；〃　she　replied。

〃You　are　very　good。〃

〃Oh；　good！　Call　me　anything　but　good。　Here　are　the　ladies。　Dear
ladies！〃　Clara　swam　to　meet　them　as　they　issued　from　a
morning…room　into　the　hall；　and　interjections　reigned　for　a　couple
of　minutes。

Willoughby　relinquished　his　grasp　of　Crossjay；　who　darted
instantaneously　at　an　angle　to　the　laboratory；　whither　he　followed；
and　he　encountered　De　Craye　coming　out；　but　passed　him　in　silence。

Crossjay　was　rangeing　and　peering　all　over　the　room。　　Willoughby
went　to　his　desk　and　the　battery…table　and　the　mantelpiece。　He
found　no　letter。　Barclay　had　undoubtedly　informed　him　that　she　had
left　a　letter　for　him　in　the　laboratory；　by　order　of　her　mistress
after　breakfast。

He　hurried　out　and　ran　upstairs　in　time　to　see　De　Craye　and
Barclay　breaking　a　conference。

He　beckoned　to　her。　The　maid　lengthened　her　upper　lip　and　beat　her
dress　down　smooth：　signs　of　the　apprehension　of　a　crisis　and　of
the　getting　ready　for　action。

〃My　mistress's　bell　has　just　rung；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

〃You　had　a　letter　for　me。〃

〃I　said　。　。　。〃

〃You　said　when　I　met　you　at　the　foot　of　the　stairs　that　you　had
left　a　letter　for　me　in　the　laboratory。〃

〃It　is　lying　on　my　mistress's　toilet…table。〃

〃Get　it。〃

Barclay　swept　round　with　another　of　her　demure　grimaces。　It　was
apparently　necessary　with　her　that　she　should　talk　to　herself　in
this　public　manner。

Willoughby　waited　for　her；　but　there　was　no　reappearance　of　the
maid。

Struck　by　the　ridicule　of　his　posture　of　expectation；　and　of　his
whole　behaviour；　he　went　to　his　bedroom　suite；　shut　himself　in；
and　paced　the　chambers；　amazed　at　the　creature　he　had　become。
Agitated　like　the　commonest　of　wretches；　destitute　of
self…control；　not　able　to　preserve　a　decent　mask；　be；　accustomed
to　inflict　these　emotions　and　tremours　upon　others；　was　at　once
the　puppet　and　dupe　of　an　intriguing　girl。　His　very　stature　seemed
lessened。　The　glass　did　not　say　so；　but　the　shrunken　heart　within
him　did；　and　wailfully　too。　Her　compunction'Call　me　anything
but　good'coming　after　her　return　to　the　Hall　beside　De　Craye；
and　after　the　visible　passage　of　a　secret　between　them　in　his
presence；　was　a　confession：　it　blew　at　him　with　the　fury　of　a
furnace…blast　in　his　face。　Egoist　agony　wrung　the　outcry　from　him
that　dupery　is　a　more　blessed　condition。　He　desired　to　be
deceived。

He　could　desire　such　a　thing　only　in　a　temporary　transport；　for
above　all　he　desired　that　no　one　should　know　of　his　being
deceived；　and　were　he　a　dupe　the　deceiver　would　know　it；　and　her
accomplice　would　know　it；　and　the　world　would　soon　know　of　it：
that　world　against　whose　tongue　he　stood　defenceless。　Within　the
shadow　of　his　presence　he　compressed　opinion；　as　a　strong　frost
binds　the　springs　of　earth；　but　beyond　it　his　shivering
sensitiveness　ran　about　in　dread　of　a　stripping　in　a　wintry
atmosphere。　This　was　the　ground　of　his　hatred　of　the　world：　it　was
an　appalling　fear　on　behalf　of　his　naked　eidolon；　the　tender
infant　Self　swaddled　in　his　name　before　the　world；　for　which　he
felt　as　the　most　highly　civilized　of　men　alone　can　feel；　and　which
it　was　impossible　for　him　to　stretch　out　hands　to　protect。　There
the　poor　little　loveable　creature　ran　for　any　mouth　to　blow　on；
and　frostnipped　and　bruised；　it　cried　to　him；　and　he　was　of　no
avail！　Must　we　not　detest　a　world　that　so　treats　us？　We　loathe　it
the　more；　by　the　measure　of　our　contempt　for　them；　when　we　have
made　the　people　within　the　shadow…circle　of　our　person　slavish。

And　he　had　been　once　a　young　prince　in　popularity：　the　world　had
been　his　possession。　Clara's　treatment　of　him　was　a　robbery　of
land　and　subjects。　His　grander　dream　had　been　a　marriage　with　a
lady　of　so　glowing　a　fame　for　beauty　and　attachment　to　her　lord
that　the　world　perforce　must　take　her　for　witness　to　merits　which
would　silence　detraction　and　almost；　not　quite　（it　was
undesireable）；　extinguish　envy。　But　for　the　nature　of　women　his
dream　would　have　been　realized。　He　could　not　bring　himself　to
denounce　Fortune。　It　had　cost　him　a　grievous　pang　to　tell　Horace
De　Craye　he　was　lucky；　he　had　been　educated　in　the　belief　that
Fortune　specially　prized　and　cherished　little　Willoughby：　hence　of
necessity　his　maledictions　fell　upon　women；　or　he　would　have
forfeited　the　last　blanket　of　a　dream　warm　as　poets　revel　in。

But　if　Clara　deceived　him；　he　inspired　her　with　timidity。　There
was　matter　in　that　to　make　him　wish　to　be　deceived。　She　had　not
looked　him　much　in　the　face：　she　had　not　crossed　his　eyes：　she　had
looked　deliberately　downward；　keeping　her　head　up；　to　preserve　an
exterior　pride。　The　attitude　had　its　bewitchingness：　the　girl's
physical　pride　of　stature　scorning　to　bend　under　a　load　of
conscious　guilt；　had　a　certain　black…angel　beauty　for　which　he
felt　a　hugging　hatred：　and　according　to　his　policy　when　these　fits
of　amorous　meditation　seized　him；　he　burst　from　the　present　one
in　the　mood　of　his　more　favourable　conception　of　Clara；　and　sought
her　out。

The　quality　of　the　mood　of　hugging　hatred　is；　that　if　you　are
disallowed　the　hug；　you　do　not　hate　the　fiercer。

Contrariwise　the　prescription　of　a　decorous　distance　of　two　feet
ten　inches；　which　is　by　measurement　the　delimitation　exacted　of　a
rightly　respectful　deportment；　has　this　miraculous　effect　on　the
great　creature　man；　or　often　it　has：　that　his　peculiar　hatred
returns　to　the　reluctant　admiration　begetting　it；　and　his　passion
for　the　hug　falls　prostrate　as　one　of　the　Faithful　before　the
shrine；　he　is　reduced　to　worship　by　fasting。

（For　these　mysteries；　consult　the　sublime　chapter　in　the　GREAT
BOOK；　tile　Seventy…first　on　LOVE；　wherein　nothing　is　written；　but
the　Reader　receives　a　Lanthorn；　a　Powder…cask　and　a　Pick…axe；　and
therewith　pursues　his　yellow…dusking　path　across　the　rubble　of
preceding　excavators　in　the　solitary　quarry：　a　yet　more
instructive　passage　than　the　overscrawled　Seventieth；　or　French
Section；　whence　the　chapter　opens；　and　where　hitherto　the　polite
world　has　halted。）

The　hurry　of　the　hero　is　on　us；　we　have　no　time　to　spare　for
mining　works：　he　hurried　to　catch　her　alone；　to　wreak　his　tortures
on　her　in　a　bitter　semblance　of　bodily　worship；　and　satiated；　then
comfortably　to　spurn。　He　found　her　protected　by　Barclay　on　the
stairs。

〃That　letter　for　me？〃　he　said。

〃I　think　I　told　you；　Willoughby；　there　was　a　letter　I　left　with
Barclay　to　reassure　you　in　case　of　my　not　returning　early；〃　said
Clara。　〃It　was　unnecessary　for　her　to　deliver　it。〃

〃Indeed？　But　any　letter；　any　writing　of　yours；　and　from　you　to　me！
You　have　it　still？〃

No；　I　have　destroyed　it。〃

〃That　was　wrong。〃

〃It　could　not　have　given　you　pleasure。〃

〃My　dear　Clara；　one　line　from　you！〃

〃There　were　but　three。〃

Barclay　stood　sucking　her　lips。　A　maid　in　the　secrets　of　her
mistress　is　a　purchaseable　maid；　for　if　she　will　take　a　bribe　with
her　right　hand　she　will　with　her　left；　all　that　has　to　be
calculated　is　the　nature　and　amount　of　the　bribe：　such　was　the
speculation　indulged　by　Sir　Willoughby；　and　he　shrank　from　the
thought　and　declined　to　know　more　than　that　he　was　on　a　volcanic
hillside　where　a　thin　crust　quaked　over　lava。　This　was　a　new
condition　with　him；　representing　Clara's　gain　in　their　combat。
Clara　did　not　fear　his　questioning　so　much　as　he　feared　her
candour。

Mutually　timid；　they　were　of　course　formally　polite；　and　no　plain
speaking　could　have　told　one　another　more　distinctly　that　each　was
defensive。　Clara　stood　pledged　to　the　fib；　packed；　scaled　and
posted；　and　he　had　only　to　ask　to　have　it；　supposing　that　he　asked
with　a　voice　not　exactly　peremptory。

She　said　in　her　heart；　〃It　is　your　fault：　you　are　relentless　and
you　would　ruin　Crossjay　to　punish　him　for　devoting　himself　to　me；
like　the　poor　thoughtless　boy　he　is！　and　so　I　am　bound　in　honour
to　do　my　utmost　for　him。〃

The　reciprocal　devotedness；　moreover；　served　two　purposes：　it
preserved　her　from　brooding　on　the　humiliation　of　her　lame　flight；
and　flutter　back；　and　it　quieted　her　mind　in　regard　to　the
precipitate　intimacy　of　her　relations　with　Colonel　De　Craye。
Willoughby's　boast　of　his　implacable　character　was　to　blame。　She
was　at　war　with　him；　and　she　was　compelled　to　put　the　case　in　that
light。　Crossjay　must　be　shielded　from　one　who　could　not　spare　an
offender；　so　Colonel　De　Craye　quite　naturally　was　called　on　for
his　help；　and　the　colonel's　dexterous　aid　appeared　to　her　more
admirable　than　alarming。

Nevertheless；　she　would　not　have　answered　a　direct　question
falsely。　She　was　for　the　fib；　but　not　the　lie；　at　a　word　she　could
be　disdainful　of　subterfuges。　Her　look　said　that。　Willoughby
perceived　it。　She　had　written　him　a　letter　of　three　lines：　〃There
were　but　three〃：　and　she　had　destroyed　the　letter。　Something
perchance　was　repented　by　her？　Then　she　had　done　him　an　injury！
Between　his　wrath　at　the　suspicion　of　an　injury；　and　the　prudence
enjoined　by　his　abject　coveting　of　her；　he　consented　to　be　fooled
for　the　sake　of　vengeance；　and　something　besides。

〃Well！　here　you　are；　safe；　I　have　you！〃　said　he；　with　courtly
exultation：　〃and　that　is　better　than　your　handwriting。　I　have　been
all　over　the　country　after　you。〃

〃Why　did　you？　We　are　not　in　a　barbarous　land；〃　said　Clara。

〃Crossjay　talks　of　your　visiting　a　sick　child；　my　love：you　have
changed　your　dress？〃

〃You　see。〃

〃The　boy　declared　you　were　going　to　that　farm　of　Hoppner's；　and
some　cottage。　I　met　at　my　gates　a　tramping　vagabond　who　swore　to
seeing　you　and　the　boy　in　a　totally　contrary　direction。〃

〃Did　you　give　him　money？〃

〃I　fancy　so。〃

〃Then　he　was　paid　for　having　seen　me。〃

Willoughby　tossed　his　head：　it　might　be　as　she　suggested；　beggars
are　liars。

〃But　who　sheltered　you；　my　dear　Clara？　You　had　not　been　heard　of
at　Hoppner's。〃

〃The　people　have　been　indemnified　for　their　pains。　To　pay　them
more　would　be　to　spoil　them。　You　disperse　money　too　liberally。
There　was　no　fever　in　the　place。　Who　could　have　anticipated　such　a
downpour！　I　want　to　consult　Miss　Dale　on　the　important　theme