the egoist-第61部分

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unhappy；　triumphed　over；　as　it　is　queerly　called；　Clara　was　not。
Her　individuality　as　a　woman　was　a　thing　he　had　to　bow　to。　It　was
impossible　to　roll　her　up　in　the　sex　and　bestow　a　kick　on　the
travelling　bundle。　Hence　he　loved　her；　though　she　hurt　him。　Hence
his　wretchedness；　and　but　for　the　hearty　sincerity　of　his　faith　in
the　Self　he　loved　likewise　and　more；　he　would　have　been　hangdog
abject。

As　for　De　Craye；　Willoughby　recollected　his　own　exploits　too
proudly　to　put　his　trust　in　a　man。　That　fatal　conjunction　of
temper　and　policy　had　utterly　thrown　him　off　his　guard；　or　he
would　not　have　trusted　the　fellow　even　in　the　first　hour　of　his
acquaintance　with　Clara。　But　he　had　wished　her　to　be　amused　while
he　wove　his　plans　to　retain　her　at　the　Hall：partly　imagining
that　she　would　weary　of　his　neglect：　vile　delusion！　In　truth　he
should　have　given　festivities；　he　should　have　been　the　sun　of　a
circle；　and　have　revealed　himself　to　her　in　his　more　dazzling
form。　He　went　near　to　calling　himself　foolish　after　the　tremendous
reverberation　of　〃Fooled！〃　had　ceased　to　shake　him。

How　behave？　It　slapped　the　poor　gentleman's　pride　in　the　face　to
ask。　A　private　talk　with　her　would　rouse　her　to　renew　her
supplications。　He　saw　them　flickering　behind　the　girl's
transparent　calmness。　That　calmness　really　drew　its　dead　ivory　hue
from　the　suppression　of　them：　something　as　much　he　guessed；　and　he
was　not　sure　either　of　his　temper　or　his　policy　if　he　should　hear
her　repeat　her　profane　request。

An　impulse　to　address　himself　to　Vernon　and　discourse　with　him
jocularly　on　the　childish　whim　of　a　young　lady；　moved　perhaps　by
some　whiff　of　jealousy；　to　shun　the　yoke；　was　checked。　He　had
always　taken　so　superior　a　pose　with　Vernon　that　he　could　not
abandon　it　for　a　moment：　on　such　a　subject　too！　Besides；　Vernon
was　one　of　your　men　who　entertain　the　ideas　about　women　of　fellows
that　have　never　conquered　one：　or　only　one；　we　will　say　in　his
case；　knowing　his　secret　history；　and　that　one　no　flag　to　boast
of。　Densely　ignorant　of　the　sex；　his　nincompoopish　idealizations；
at　other　times　preposterous；　would　now　be　annoying。　He　would
probably　presume　on　Clara's　inconceivable　lapse　of　dignity　to　read
his　master　a　lecture：　he　was　quite　equal　to　a　philippic　upon
woman's　rights。　This　man　had　not　been　afraid　to　say　that　he　talked
common　sense　to　women。　He　was　an　example　of　the　consequence！

Another　result　was　that　Vernon　did　not　talk　sense　to　men。
Willoughby's　wrath　at　Clara's　exposure　of　him　to　his　cousin
dismissed　the　proposal　of　a　colloquy　so　likely　to　sting　his
temper；　and　so　certain　to　diminish　his　loftiness。　Unwilling　to
speak　to　anybody；　he　was　isolated；　yet　consciously　begirt　by　the
mysterious　action　going　on　all　over　the　house。　from　Clara　and　De
Craye　to　Laetitia　and　young　Crossjay；　down　to　Barclay　the　maid。
His　blind　sensitiveness　felt　as　we　may　suppose　a　spider　to　feel
when　plucked　from　his　own　web　and　set　in　the　centre　of　another's。
Laetitia　looked　her　share　in　the　mystery。　A　burden　was　on　her
eyelashes。　How　she　could　have　come　to　any　suspicion　of　the
circumstances；　he　was　unable　to　imagine。　Her　intense　personal
sympathy；　it　might　be；　he　thought　so　with　some　gentle　pity　for　her
of　the　paternal　pat…back　order　of　pity。　She　adored　him；　by
decree　of　Venus；　and　the　Goddess　had　not　decreed　that　he　should
find　consolation　in　adoring　her。　Nor　could　the　temptings　of
prudent　counsel　in　his　head　induce　him　to　run　the　risk　of　such　a
total　turnover　as　the　incurring　of　Laetitia's　pity　of　himself　by
confiding　in　her。　He　checked　that　impulse　also；　and　more
sovereignly。　For　him　to　be　pitied　by　Laetitia　seemed　an　upsetting
of　the　scheme　of　Providence。　Providence；　otherwise　the
discriminating　dispensation　of　the　good　things　of　life；　had　made
him　the　beacon；　her　the　bird：　she　was　really　the　last　person　to
whom　he　could　unbosom。　The　idea　of　his　being　in　a　position　that
suggested　his　doing　so；　thrilled　him　with　fits　of　rage；　and　it
appalled　him。　There　appeared　to　be　another　Power。　The　same　which
had　humiliated　him　once　was　menacing　him　anew。　For　it　could　not　be
Providence；　whose　favourite　he　had　ever　been。　We　must　have　a
couple　of　Powers　to　account　for　discomfort　when　Egoism　is　the
kernel　of　our　religion。　Benevolence　had　singled　him　for　uncommon
benefits：　malignancy　was　at　work　to　rob　him　of　them。　And　you　think
well　of　the　world；　do　you！

Of　necessity　he　associated　Clara　with　the　darker　Power　pointing
the　knife　at　the　quick　of　his　pride。　Still；　he　would　have　raised
her　weeping：　he　would　have　stanched　her　wounds　bleeding：　he　had　an
infinite　thirst　for　her　misery；　that　he　might　ease　his　heart　of
its　charitable　love。　Or　let　her　commit　herself；　and　be　cast　off
Only　she　must　commit　herself　glaringly；　and　be　cast　off　by　the
world　as　well。　Contemplating　her　in　the　form　of　a　discarded　weed。
he　had　a　catch　of　the　breath：　she　was　fair。　He　implored　his　Power
that　Horace　De　Craye　might　not　be　the　man！　Why　any　man？　An
illness；　fever；　fire；　runaway　horses；　personal　disfigurement；　a
laming；　were　sufficient。　And　then　a　formal　and　noble　offer　on　his
part　to　keep　to　the　engagement　with　the　unhappy　wreck：　yes；　and　to
lead　the　limping　thing　to　the　altar；　if　she　insisted。　His
imagination　conceived　it；　and　the　world's　applause　besides。

Nausea；　together　with　a　sense　of　duty　to　his　line；　extinguished　
that　loathsome　prospect　of　a　mate；　though　without　obscuring　his
chivalrous　devotion　to　his　gentleman's　word　of　honour；　which
remained　in　his　mind　to　compliment　him　permanently。

On　the　whole；　he　could　reasonably　hope　to　subdue　her　to
admiration。　He　drank　a　glass　of　champagne　at　his　dressing；　an
unaccustomed　act；　but；　as　he　remarked　casually　to　his　man
Pollington；　for　whom　the　rest　of　the　bottle　was　left；　he　had　taken
no　horse…exercise　that　day。

Having　to　speak　to　Vernon　on　business；　he　went　to　the　schoolroom；
where　he　discovered　Clara；　beautiful　in　full　evening　attire；　with
her　arm　on　young　Crossjay's　shoulder；　and　heard　that　the　hard
task…master　had　abjured　Mrs。　Mountstuart's　party；　and　had　already
excused　himself；　intending　to　keep　Crossjay　to　the　grindstone。
Willoughby　was　for　the　boy；　as　usual；　and　more　sparklingly　than
usual。　Clara　looked　at　him　in　some　surprise。　He　rallied　Vernon
with　great　zest；　quite　silencing　him　when　he　said：　〃I　bear　witness
that　the　fellow　was　here　at　his　regular　hour　for　lessons；　and　were
you？〃　He　laid　his　hand　on　Crossjay；　touching　Clara's。

〃You　will　remember　what　I　told　you；　Crossjay；〃　said　she；　rising
from　the　seat　gracefully　to　escape　the　touch。　〃It　is　my　command。〃

Crossjay　frowned　and　puffed。

〃But　only　if　I'm　questioned；〃　he　said。

〃Certainly；〃　she　replied。

〃Then　I　question　the　rascal；〃　said　Willoughby；　causing　a　start。
〃What；　sir；　is　your　opinion　of　Miss　Middleton　in　her　robe　of　state
this　evening？〃

〃Now；　the　truth；　Crossjay！〃　Clara　held　up　a　finger；　and　the　boy
could　see　she　was　playing　at　archness；　but　for　Willoughby　it　was
earnest。　〃The　truth　is　not　likely　to　offend　you　or　me　either；〃　he
murmured　to　her。

〃I　wish　him　never；　never；　on　any　excuse；　to　speak　anything　else。〃

〃I　always　did　think　her　a　Beauty；〃　Crossjay　growled。　He　hated　the
having　to　say　it。

〃There！〃　exclaimed　Sir　Willoughby；　and　bent；　extending　an　arm　to
her。　〃You　have　not　suffered　from　the　truth；　my　Clara！〃

Her　answer　was：　〃I　was　thinking　how　he　might　suffer　if　he　were
taught　to　tell　the　reverse。〃

〃Oh！　for　a　fair　lady！〃

〃That　is　the　worst　of　teaching；　Willoughby。〃

〃We'll　leave　it　to　the　fellow's　instinct；　he　has　our　blood　in　him。
I　could　convince　you；　though；　if　I　might　cite　circumstances。　Yes！
But　yes！　And　yes　again！　The　entire　truth　cannot　invariably　be
told。　I　venture　to　say　it　should　not。〃

〃You　would　pardon　it　for　the　'fair　lady'？〃

〃Applaud；　my　love。〃

He　squeezed　the　hand　within　his　arm；　contemplating　her。

She　was　arrayed　in　a　voluminous　robe　of　pale　blue　silk　vapourous
with　trimmings　of　light　gauze　of　the　same　hue；　gaze　de　Chambery；
matching　her　fair　hair　and　dear　skin　for　the　complete　overthrow　of
less　inflammable　men　than　Willoughby。

〃Clara！〃　sighed　be。

〃If　so；　it　would　really　be　generous；〃　she　said；　〃though　the
teaching　h　bad。〃

〃I　fancy　I　can　be　generous。〃

〃Do　we　ever　know？〃

He　turned　his　head　to　Vernon；　issuing　brief　succinct　instructions　
for　letters　to　be　written；　and　drew　her　into　the　hall；　saying：
〃Know？　There　are　people　who　do　not　know　themselves　and　as　they　are
the　majority　they　manufacture　the　axioms。　And　it　is　assumed　that
we　have　to　swallow　them。　I　may　observe　that　I　think　I　know。　I
decline　to　be　engulphed　in　those　majorities。　'Among　them；　but　not
of　them。'　I　know　this；　that　my　aim　in　life　is　to　be　generous。〃

〃Is　it　not　an　impulse　or　disposition　rather　than　an　aim？〃

〃So　much　I　know；〃　pursued　Willoughby；　refusing　to　be　tripped。　But
she　rang　discordantly　in　his　ear。　His　〃fancy　that　he　could　be
generous〃　and　his　〃aim　at　being　generous〃　had　met　with　no
response。　〃I　have　given　proofs；〃　he　said；　briefly；　to　drop　a
subject　upon　which　he　was　not　permitted　to　dilate；　and　he
murmured；　〃People　acquainted　with　me　。。。　！〃　She　was　asked　if　she
expected　him　to　boast　of　generous　deeds。　〃From　childhood！〃　she
heard　him　mutter；　and　she　said　to　herself；　〃Release　me；　and　you
shall　be　everything！〃

The　unhappy　gentleman　ached　as　he　talked：　for　with　men　and　with
hosts　of　women　to　whom　he　was　indifferent；　never　did　he　converse
in　this　shambling；　third…rate；　sheepish　manner；　devoid　of　all
highness　of　tone　and　the　proper　precision　of　an　authority。　He　was
unable　to　fathom　the　cause　of　it；　but　Clara　imposed　it　on　him；　and
only　in　anger　could　he　throw　it　off。　The　temptation　to　an　outburst
that　would　flatter　him　with　the　sound　of　his　authoritative　voice
had　to　be　resisted　on　a　night　when　he　must　be　composed　if　he
intended　to　shine；　so　he　merely　mentioned　Lady　Busshe's　present；
to　gratify　spleen　by　preparing　the　ground　for　dissension；　and
prudently　acquiesced　in　her　anticipated　slipperiness。　She　would
rather　not　look　at　it　now；　she　said。

〃Not　now；　very　well；〃　said　he。

His　immediate　deference　made　her　regretful。　〃There　is　hardly
time；　Willoughby。〃

〃My　dear；　we　shall　have　to　express　our　thanks　to　her。〃