the egoist-第65部分

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far　I　have　indeed　changed。　I　may　add　that　it　is　unusual　for
country　gentlemen　to　apply　themselves　to　scientific　researches。
These　are；　however；　in　the　spirit　of　the　time。　I　apprehended　that
instinctively　when　at　College。　I　forsook　the　classics　for　science。
And　thereby　escaped　the　vice　of　domineering　self…sufficiency
peculiar　to　classical　men；　of　which　you　had　an　amusing　example　in
the　carriage；　on　the　way　to　Mrs。　Mountstuart's　this　evening。
Science　is　modest；　slow；　if　you　like；　it　deals　with　facts；　and
having　mastered　them；　it　masters　men；　of　necessity；　not　with　a
stupid；　loud…mouthed　arrogance：　words　big　and　oddly　garbed　as　the
Pope's　body…guard。　Of　course；　one　bows　to　the　Infallible；　we　must；
when　his　giant…mercenaries　level　bayonets。〃

Sir　Willoughby　offered　Miss　Dale　half　a　minute　that　she　might　in
gentle　feminine　fashion　acquiesce　in　the　implied　reproof　of　Dr。
Middleton's　behaviour　to　him　during　the　drive　to　Mrs。
Mountstuart's。　She　did　not。

Her　heart　was　accusing　Clara　of　having　done　it　a　wrong　and　a　hurt。
For　while　he　talked　he　seemed　to　her　to　justify　Clara's　feelings
and　her　conduct：　and　her　own　reawakened　sensations　of　injury　came
to　the　surface　a　moment　to　look　at　him；　affirming　that　they
pardoned　him；　and　pitied；　but　hardly　wondered。

The　heat　of　the　centre　in　him　had　administered　the　comfort　he
wanted；　though　the　conclusive　accordant　notes　he　loved　on　woman's
lips；　that　subservient　harmony　of　another　instrument　desired　of
musicians　when　they　have　done　their　solo…playing；　came　not　to　wind
up　the　performance：　not　a　single　bar。　She　did　not　speak。　Probably
his　Laetitia　was　overcome；　as　he　had　long　known　her　to　be　when
they　conversed；　nerve…subdued；　unable　to　deploy　her　mental
resources　or　her　musical。　Yet　ordinarily　she　had　command　of　the
latter。Was　she　too　condoling？　Did　a　reason　exist　for　it？　Had
the　impulsive　and　desperate　girl　spoken　out　to　Laetitia　to　the
fullest？shameless　daughter　of　a　domineering　sire　that　she　was！
Ghastlier　inquiry　（it　struck　the　centre　of　him　with　a　sounding
ring）；　was　Laetitia　pitying　him　overmuch　for　worse　than　the　pain
of　a　little　difference　between　loversfor　treason　on　the　part　of
his　bride？　Did　she　know　of　a　rival？　know　more　than　he？

When　the　centre　of　him　was　violently　struck　he　was　a　genius　in
penetration。　He　guessed　that　she　did　know：　and　by　this　was　he
presently　helped　to　achieve　pathos。

〃So　my　election　was　for　Science；〃　he　continued；　〃and　if　it　makes
me；　as　I　fear；　a　rara　avis　among　country　gentlemen；　it　unites　me；
puts　me　in　the　main；　I　may　say；　in　the　only　current　of　progress
a　word　sufficiently　despicable　in　their　political　jargon。You
enjoyed　your　evening　at　Mrs。　Mountstuart's？〃

〃Very　greatly。〃

〃She　brings　her　Professor　to　dine　here　the　day　after　tomorrow。　
Does　it　astonish　you？　You　started。〃

〃I　did　not　hear　the　invitation。〃

〃It　was　arranged　at　the　table：　you　and　I　were　separatedcruelly；
I　told　her：　she　declared　that　we　see　enough　of　one　another；　and
that　it　was　good　for　me　that　we　should　be　separated；　neither　of
which　is　true。　I　may　not　have　known　what　is　the　best　for　me：　I　do
know　what　is　good。　If　in　my　younger　days　I　egregiously　erred；
that；　taken　of　itself　alone；　is；　assuming　me　to　have　sense　and
feeling；　the　surer　proof　of　present　wisdom。　I　can　testify　in
person　that　wisdom　is　pain。　If　pain　is　to　add　to　wisdom；　let　me
suffer！　Do　you　approve　of　that；　Laetitia？〃

〃It　is　well　said。〃

〃It　is　felt。　Those　who　themselves　have　suffered　should　know　the
benefit　of　the　resolution。〃

〃One　may　have　suffered　so　much　as　to　wish　only　for　peace。〃

〃True：　but　you！　have　you？〃

〃It　would　be　for　peace；　if　I　prayed　for　any　earthly　gift。〃

Sir　Willoughby　dropped　a　smile　on　her。　〃I　mentioned　the　Pope's
parti…coloured　body…guard　just　now。　In　my　youth　their　singular
attire　impressed　me。　People　tell　me　they　have　been　re…uniformed：　I
am　sorry。　They　remain　one　of　my　liveliest　recollections　of　the
Eternal　City。　They　affected　my　sense　of　humour；　always　alert　in
me；　as　you　are　aware。　We　English　have　humour。　It　is　the　first
thing　struck　in　us　when　we　land　on　the　Continent：　our　risible
faculties　are　generally　active　all　through　the　tour。　Humour；　or
the　clash　of　sense　with　novel　examples　of　the　absurd；　is　our
characteristic。　I　do　not　condescend　to　boisterous　displays　of　it。
I　observe；　and　note　the　people's　comicalities　for　my
correspondence。　But　you　have　read　my　lettersmost　of　them；　if
not　all？〃

〃Many　of　them。〃

I　was　with　you　then！I　was　about　to　saythat　Swiss…guard　
reminded　meyou　have　not　been　in　Italy。　I　have　constantly　
regretted　it。　You　are　the　very　woman；　you　have　the　soul　for　Italy。
I　know　no　other　of　whom　I　could　say　it；　with　whom　I　should　not
feel　that　she　was　out　of　place；　discordant　with　me。　Italy　and
Laetitia！　often　have　I　joined　you　together。　We　shall　see。　I　begin
to　have　hopes。　Here　you　have　literally　stagnated。　Why；　a
dinner…party　refreshes　you！　What　would　not　travel　do；　and　that
heavenly　climate！　You　are　a　reader　of　history　and　poetry。　Well；
poetry！　I　never　yet　saw　the　poetry　that　expressed　the　tenth　part
of　what　I　feel　in　the　presence　of　beauty　and　magnificence；　and
when　I　really　meditateprofoundly。　Call　me　a　positive　mind。　I
feel：　only　I　feel　too　intensely　for　poetry。　By　the　nature　of　it；
poetry　cannot　be　sincere。　I　will　have　sincerity。　Whatever　touches
our　emotions　should　be　spontaneous；　not　a　craft。　I　know　you　are　in
favour　of　poetry。　You　would　win　me；　if　any　one　could。　But　history！
there　I　am　with　you。　Walking　over　ruins：　at　night：　the　arches　of
the　solemn　black　amphitheatre　pouring　moonlight　on　usthe
moonlight　of　Italy！〃

〃You　would　not　laugh　there；　Sir　Willoughby？〃　said　Laetitia；
rousing　herself　from　a　stupor　of　apprehensive　amazement；　to　utter
something　and　realize　actual　circumstances。

〃Besides；　you；　I　think；　or　I　am　mistaken　in　you〃he　deviated　
from　his　projected　speech〃you　are　not　a　victim　of　the　sense　of
association　and　the　ludicrous。〃

〃I　can　understand　the　influence　of　it：　I　have　at　least　a　conception
of　the　humourous；　but　ridicule　would　not　strike　me　in　the　Coliseum
of　Rome。　I　could　not　bear　it；　no；　Sir　Willoughby！〃

She　appeared　to　be　taking　him　in　very　strong　earnest；　by　thus
petitioning　him　not　to　laugh　in　the　Coliseum；　and　now　he　said：
〃Besides；　you　are　one　who　could　accommodate　yourself　to　the
society　of　the　ladies；　my　aunts。　Good　women；　Laetitia！　I　cannot
imagine　them　de　trop　in　Italy；　or　in　a　household。　I　have　of　course
reason　to　be　partial　in　my　judgement。〃

〃They　are　excellent　and　most　amiable　ladies；　I　love　them；〃　said
Laetitia；　fervently；　the　more　strongly　excited　to　fervour　by　her
enlightenment　as　to　his　drift。

She　read　it　that　he　designed　to　take　her　to　Italy　with　the　ladies：
after　giving　Miss　Middleton　her　liberty；　that　was　necessarily
implied。　And　that　was　truly　generous。　In　his　boyhood　he　had
been　famous　for　his　bountifulness　in　scattering　silver　and　gold。
Might　he　not　have　caused　himself　to　be　misperused　in　later　life？

Clara　had　spoken　to　her　of　the　visit　and　mission　of　the　ladies　to
the　library：　and　Laetitia　daringly　conceived　herself　to　be　on　the
certain　track　of　his　meaning；　she　being　able　to　enjoy　their
society　as　she　supposed　him　to　consider　that　Miss　Middleton　did
not；　and　would　not　either　abroad　or　at　home。

Sir　Willoughby　asked　her：　〃You　could　travel　with　them？〃

〃Indeed　I　could！〃

〃Honestly？〃

〃As　affirmatively　as　one　may　protest。　Delightedly。〃

〃Agreed。　It　is　an　undertaking。〃　He　put　his　hand　out。

〃Whether　I　be　of　the　party　or　not！　To　Italy；　Laetitia！　It　would
give　me　pleasure　to　be　with　you；　and　it　will；　if　I　must　be
excluded；　to　think　of　you　in　Italy。〃

His　hand　was　out。　She　had　to　feign　inattention　or　yield　her　own。
She　had　not　the　effrontery　to　pretend　not　to　see；　and　she　yielded
it。　He　pressed　it；　and　whenever　it　shrunk　a　quarter　inch　to
withdraw；　he　shook　it　up　and　down；　as　an　instrument　that　had　been
lent　him　for　due　emphasis　to　his　remarks。　And　very　emphatic　an
amorous　orator　can　make　it　upon　a　captive　lady。

〃I　am　unable　to　speak　decisively　on　that　or　any　subject。　I　am；　I
think　you　once　quoted；　'tossed　like　a　weed　on　the　ocean。'　Of
myself　I　can　speak：　I　cannot　speak　for　a　second　person。　I　am
infinitely　harassed。　If　I　could　cry；　'To　Italy　tomorrow！'　Ah！　。。。
Do　not　set　me　down　for　complaining。　I　know　the　lot　of　man。　But；
Laetitia；　deceit！　deceit！　It　is　a　bad　taste　in　the　mouth。　It
sickens　us　of　humanity。　I　compare　it　to　an　earthquake：　we　lose　all
our　reliance　on　the　solidity　of　the　world。　It　is　a　betrayal　not
simply　of　the　person；　it　is　a　betrayal　of　humankind。　My　friend！
Constant　friend！　No；　I　will　not　despair。　Yes；　I　have　faults；　I
will　remember　them。　Only；　forgiveness　is　another　question。　Yes；
the　injury　I　can　forgive；　the　falseness　never。　In　the　interests　of
humanity；　no。　So　young；　and　such　deceit！〃

Laetitia's　bosom　rose：　her　hand　was　detained：　a　lady　who　has
yielded　it　cannot　wrestle　to　have　it　back；　those　outworks　which
protect　her　treacherously　shelter　the　enemy　aiming　at　the　citadel
when　he　has　taken　them。　In　return　for　the　silken　armour　bestowed
on　her　by　our　civilization；　it　is　exacted　that　she　be　soft　and
civil　nigh　up　to　perishing…point。　She　breathed　tremulously　high；
saying　on　her　top…breath：　〃If　itit　may　not　be　so；　it　can
scarcely。　。　。〃　A　deep　sigh　intervened。　It　saddened　her　that　she
knew　so　much。

〃For　when　I　love　I　love；〃　said　Sir　Willoughby；　〃my　friends　and　my
servants　know　that。　There　can　be　no　medium：　not　with　me。　I　give
all；　I　claim　all。　As　I　am　absorbed；　so　must　I　absorb。　We　both
cancel　and　create；　we　extinguish　and　we　illumine　one　another。　The
error　may　be　in　the　choice　of　an　object：　it　is　not　in　the　passion。
Perfect　confidence；　perfect　abandonment。　I　repeat；　I　claim　it
because　I　give　it。　The　selfishness　of　love　may　be　denounced：　it　is
a　part　of　us。　My　answer　would　be；　it　is　an　element　only　of　the
noblest　of　us！　Love；　Laetitia！　I　speak　of　love。　But　one　who　breaks
faith　to　drag　us　through　the　mire；　who　betrays；　betrays　and　hands
us　over　to　the　world；　whose　prey　we　become　identically　because　of
virtues　we　were　educated　to　think　it　a　blessing　to　possess：　tell
me　the　name　for　that！Again；　it　has　ever　been　a　principle　with
me　to　r