the egoist-第66部分

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me　the　name　for　that！Again；　it　has　ever　been　a　principle　with
me　to　respect　the　sex。　But　if　we　see　women　false；　treacherous　。。。
Why　indulge　in　these　abstract　views；　you　would　ask！　The　world
presses　them　on　us；　full　as　it　is　of　the　vilest　specimens。　They
seek　to　pluck　up　every　rooted　principle：　they　sneer　at　our
worship：　they　rob　us　of　our　religion。　This　bitter　experience　of
the　world　drives　us　back　to　the　antidote　of　what　we　knew　before　we
plunged　into　it：　of　one　。。。　of　something　we　esteemed　and　still
esteem。　Is　that　antidote　strong　enough　to　expel　the　poison？　I　hope
so！　I　believe　so！　To　lose　faith　in　womankind　is　terrible。〃

He　studied　her。　She　looked　distressed：　she　was　not　moved。

She　was　thinking　that；　with　the　exception　of　a　strain　of
haughtiness；　he　talked　excellently　to　men；　at　least　in　the　tone　of
the　things　he　meant　to　say；　but　that　his　manner　of　talking　to
women　went　to　an　excess　in　the　artificial　tonguethe　tutored
tongue　of　sentimental　deference　of　the　towering　male：　he　fluted
exceedingly；　and　she　wondered　whether　it　was　this　which　had
wrecked　him　with　Miss　Middleton。

His　intuitive　sagacity　counselled　him　to　strive　for　pathos　to
move　her。　It　was　a　task；　for　while　he　perceived　her　to　be　not
ignorant　of　his　plight；　he　doubted　her　knowing　the　extent　of　it；
and　as　his　desire　was　merely　to　move　her　without　an　exposure　of
himself；　he　had　to　compass　being　pathetic　as　it　were　under　the
impediments　of　a　mailed　and　gauntletted　knight；　who　cannot　easily
heave　the　bosom；　or　show　it　heaving。

Moreover；　pathos　is　a　tide：　often　it　carries　the　awakener　of　it
off　his　feet；　and　whirls　him　over　and　over　armour　and　all　in
ignominious　attitudes　of　helpless　prostration；　whereof　he　may　well
be　ashamed　in　the　retrospect。　We　cannot　quite　preserve　our　dignity
when　we　stoop　to　the　work　of　calling　forth　tears。　Moses　had
probably　to　take　a　nimble　jump　away　from　the　rock　after　that
venerable　Law…giver　had　knocked　the　water　out　of　it。

However；　it　was　imperative　in　his　mind　that　he　should　be　sure　he
had　the　power　to　move　her。

He　began；　clumsily　at　first；　as　yonder　gauntletted　knight　attempting
the　briny　handkerchief。

〃What　are　we！　We　last　but　a　very　short　time。　Why　not　live　to
gratify　our　appetites？　I　might　really　ask　myself　why。　All　the
means　of　satiating　them　are　at　my　disposal。　But　no：　I　must　aim　at
the　highest：at　that　which　in　my　blindness　I　took　for　the
highest。　You　know　the　sportsman's　instinct；　Laetitia；　he　is　not
tempted　by　the　stationary　object。　Such　are　we　in　youth；　toying
with　happiness；　leaving　it；　to　aim　at　the　dazzling　and
attractive。〃

〃We　gain　knowledge；〃　said　Laetitia。

〃At　what　a　cost！〃

The　exclamation　summoned　self…pity　to　his　aid；　and　pathos　was
handy。

〃By　paying　half　our　lives　for　it　and　all　our　hopes！　Yes；　we　gain
knowledge；　we　are　the　wiser；　very　probably　my　value　surpasses　now
what　it　was　when　I　was　happier。　But　the　loss！　That　youthful　bloom
of　the　soul　is　like　health　to　the　body；　once　gone；　it　leaves
cripples　behind。　Nay；　my　friend　and　precious　friend；　these　four
fingers　I　must　retain。　They　seem　to　me　the　residue　of　a　wreck：　you
shall　be　released　shortly：　absolutely；　Laetitia；　I　have　nothing
else　remainingWe　have　spoken　of　deception；　what　of　being
undeceived？when　one　whom　we　adored　is　laid　bare；　and　the
wretched　consolation　of　a　worthy　object　is　denied　to　us。　No
misfortune　can　be　like　that。　Were　it　death；　we　could　worship
still。　Death　would　be　preferable。　But　may　you　be　spared　to　know　a
situation　in　which　the　comparison　with　your　inferior　is　forced　on
you　to　your　disadvantage　and　your　loss　because　of　your　generously
giving　up　your　whole　heart　to　the　custody　of　some　shallow；
light…minded；　self！　。。。　We　will　not　deal　in　epithets。　If　I　were
to　find　as　many　bad　names　for　the　serpent　as　there　are　spots　on
his　body；　it　would　be　serpent　still；　neither　better　nor　worse。　The
loneliness！　And　the　darkness！　Our　luminary　is　extinguished。
Self…respect　refuses　to　continue　worshipping；　but　the　affection
will　not　be　turned　aside。　We　are　literally　in　the　dust；　we　grovel；
we　would　fling　away　self…respect　if　we　could；　we　would　adopt　for　a
model　the　creature　preferred　to　us；　we　would　humiliate；　degrade
ourselves；　we　cry　for　justice　as　if　it　were　for　pardon　。　。　。〃

〃For　pardon！　when　we　are　straining　to　grant　it！〃　Laetitia
murmured；　and　it　was　as　much　as　she　could　do。　She　remembered　how
in　her　old　misery　her　efforts　after　charity　had　twisted　her　round
to　feel　herself　the　sinner；　and　beg　forgiveness　in　prayer：　a　noble
sentiment；　that　filled　her　with　pity　of　the　bosom　in　which　it　had
sprung。　There　was　no　similarity　between　his　idea　and　hers；　but　her
idea　had　certainly　been　roused　by　his　word　〃pardon〃；　and　he　had
the　benefit　of　it　in　the　moisture　of　her　eyes。　Her　lips　trembled；
tears　fell。

He　had　heard　something；　he　had　not　caught　the　words；　but　they　were
manifestly　favourable；　her　sign　of　emotion　assured　him　of　it　and
of　the　success　he　had　sought。　There　was　one　woman　who　bowed　to　him
to　all　eternity！　He　had　inspired　one　woman　with　the　mysterious；
man…desired　passion　of　self…abandonment；　self…immolation！　The
evidence　was　before　him。　At　any　instant　he　could；　if　he　pleased；
fly　to　her　and　command　her　enthusiasm。

He　had；　in　fact；　perhaps　by　sympathetic　action；　succeeded　in
striking　the　same　springs　of　pathos　in　her　which　animated　his
lively　endeavour　to　produce　it　in　himself

He　kissed　her　hand；　then　released　it；　quitting　his　chair　to　bend
above　her　soothingly。

〃Do　not　weep；　Laetitia；　you　see　that　I　do　not；　I　can　smile。　Help
me　to　bear　it；　you　must　not　unman　me。〃

She　tried　to　stop　her　crying；　but　self…pity　threatened　to　rain　all
her　long　years　of　grief　on　her　head；　and　she　said：　〃I　must　go　。。。
I　am　unfit　。。。　good…night；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

Fearing　seriously　that　he　had　sunk　his　pride　too　low　in　her
consideration；　and　had　been　carried　farther　than　he　intended　on
the　tide　of　pathos；　he　remarked：　〃We　will　speak　about　Crossjay
to…morrow。　His　deceitfulness　has　been　gross。　As　I　said；　I　am
grievously　offended　by　deception。　But　you　are　tired。　Good…night；
my　dear　friend。〃

〃Good…night；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

She　was　allowed　to　go　forth。

Colonel　De　Craye　coming　up　from　the　smoking…room；　met　her　and
noticed　the　state　of　her　eyelids；　as　he　wished　her　goodnight。　He
saw　Willoughby　in　the　room　she　had　quitted；　but　considerately
passed　without　speaking；　and　without　reflecting　why　he　was
considerate。

Our　hero's　review　of　the　scene　made　him；　on　the　whole；　satisfied
with　his　part　in　it。　Of　his　power　upon　one　woman　he　was　now
perfectly　sure：Clara　had　agonized　him　with　a　doubt　of　his
personal　mastery　of　any。　One　was　a　poor　feast；　but　the　pangs　of
his　flesh　during　the　last　few　days　and　the　latest　hours　caused　him
to　snatch　at　it；　hungrily　if　contemptuously。　A　poor　feast；　she　was
yet　a　fortress；　a　point　of　succour；　both　shield　and　lance；　a　cover
and　an　impetus。　He　could　now　encounter　Clara　boldly。　Should　she
resist　and　defy　him；　he　would　not　be　naked　and　alone；　he　foresaw
that　he　might　win　honour　in　the　world's　eye　from　his　positiona
matter　to　be　thought　of　only　in　most　urgent　need。　The　effect　on
him　of　his　recent　exercise　in　pathos　was　to　compose　him　to
slumber。　He　was　for　the　period　well　satisfied。

His　attendant　imps　were　well　satisfied　likewise；　and　danced　around
about　his　bed　after　the　vigilant　gentleman　had　ceased　to　debate　on
the　question　of　his　unveiling　of　himself　past　forgiveness　of　her
to　Laetitia；　and　had　surrendered　to　sleep　the　present　direction　of
his　affairs。



CHAPTER　XXXII

Laetitia　Dale　Discovers　a　Spiritual　Change　and　Dr　Middleton　a
Physical

Clara　tripped　over　the　lawn　in　the　early　morning　to　Laetitia　to
greet　her。　She　broke　away　from　a　colloquy　with　Colonel　De　Craye
under　Sir　Willoughby's　windows。　The　colonel　had　been　one　of　the
bathers；　and　he　stood　like　a　circus…driver　flicking　a　wet　towel　at
Crossjay　capering。

〃My　dear；　I　am　very　unhappy！〃　said　Clara。

〃My　dear；　I　bring　you　news；〃　Laetitia　replied。

〃Tell　me。　But　the　poor　boy　is　to　be　expelled！　He　burst　into
Crossjay's　bedroom　last　night　and　dragged　the　sleeping　boy　out　of
bed　to　question　him；　and　he　had　the　truth。　That　is　one　comfort：
only　Crossjay　is　to　be　driven　from　the　Hall；　because　he　was
untruthful　previouslyfor　me；　to　serve　me；　really；　I　feel　it　was
at　my　command。　Crossjay　will　be　out　of　the　way　to…day；　and　has
promised　to　come　back　at　night　to　try　to　be　forgiven。　You　must
help　me；　Laetitia。〃

〃You　are　free；　Clara！　If　you　desire　it；　you　have　but　to　ask　for
your　freedom。〃

〃You　mean　。　。　。〃

〃He　will　release　you。〃

〃You　are　sure？〃

〃We　had　a　long　conversation　last　night。〃

〃I　owe　it　to　you？〃

〃Nothing　is　owing　to　me。　He　volunteered　it。〃

Clara　made　as　if　to　lift　her　eyes　in　apostrophe。　〃Professor
Crooklyn！　Professor　Crooklyn！　I　see。　I　did　not　guess　that。〃

〃Give　credit　for　some　generosity；　Clara；　you　are　unjust！

〃By　and　by：　I　will　be　more　than　just　by　and　by。　I　will　practise　on
the　trumpet：　I　will　lecture　on　the　greatness　of　the　souls　of　men
when　we　know　them　thoroughly。　At　present　we　do　but　half　know　them；
and　we　are　unjust。　You　are　not　deceived；　Laetitia？　There　is　to　be
no　speaking　to　papa？　no　delusions？　You　have　agitated　me。　I　feel
myself　a　very　small　person　indeed。　I　feel　I　can　understand　those
who　admire　him。　He　gives　me　back　my　word　simply？　clearly？　without
Oh；　that　long　wrangle　in　scenes　and　letters？　And　it　will　be
arranged　for　papa　and　me　to　go　not　later　than　to…morrow？　Never
shall　I　be　able　to　explain　to　any　one　how　I　fell　into　this！　I　am
frightened　at　myself　when　I　think　of　it。　I　take　the　whole　blame：　I
have　been　scandalous。　And；　dear　Laetitia！　you　came　out　so　early　in
order　to　tell　me？〃

〃I　wished　you　to　hear　it。〃

〃Take　my　heart。〃

〃Present　me　with　a　partbut　for　good。〃

〃Fie！　But　you　have　a　right　to　say　it。〃

〃I　mean　no　unkindness；　but　is　not　the　heart　you　allude　to　an
alarmingly　searching　one？〃

〃Selfish　it　is；　for　I　have　been　forgetting　Crossjay。　If　we　are
going　to　be　generous；　is　not　Crossjay　to　be　forgiven？　If　it　were
only　that　the　boy's　father　is　away　fighting　for　his　country；
endangering　his　life　day　by　day；　and　for　a　stipend　not　enough　to
support　his　family；　w