the egoist-第80部分

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taken　a　ticket　to　London；　and　would　not　want　the　fly。〃

〃It　is　true。　I　was　foolish。〃

〃You　have　had　a　pleasant　walk　with　Vernonturning　me　in　and
out？〃

〃We　did　not　speak　of　you。　You　allude　to　what　he　would　never
consent　to。〃

〃He's　an　honest　fellow；　in　his　old…fashioned　way。　He's　a　secret
old　fellow。　Does　he　ever　talk　about　his　wife　to　you？〃

Clara　dropped　her　purse；　and　stooped　and　picked　it　up。

〃I　know　nothing　of　Mr。　Whitford's　affairs；〃　she　said；　and　she
opened　the　purse　and　tore　to　pieces　the　railway　ticket。

〃The　story's　a　proof　that　romantic　spirits　do　not　furnish　the
most　romantic　history。　You　have　the　word　'chivalry'　frequently　on
your　lips。　He　chivalrously　married　the　daughter　of　the
lodging…house　where　he　resided　before　I　took　him。　We　obtained
information　of　the　auspicious　union　in　a　newspaper　report　of　Mrs。
Whitford's　drunkenness　and　rioting　at　a　London　railway　terminus
probably　the　one　whither　your　ticket　would　have　taken　you
yesterday；　for　I　heard　the　lady　was　on　her　way　to　us　for　supplies；
the　connubial　larder　being　empty。〃

〃I　am　sorry；　I　am　ignorant；　I　have　heard　nothing；　I　know　nothing；〃
said　Clara。

〃You　are　disgusted。　But　half　the　students　and　authors　you　hear　of
marry　in　that　way。　And　very　few　have　Vernon's　luck。〃

〃She　had　good　qualities？〃　asked　Clara。

Her　under　lip　hung。

It　looked　like　disgust；　he　begged　her　not　indulge　the　feeling。

〃Literary　men；　it　is　notorious；　even　with　the　entry　to　society；
have　no　taste　in　women。　The　housewife　is　their　object。　Ladies
frighten　and　would；　no　doubt；　be　an　annoyance　and　hindrance　to
them　at　home。〃

〃You　said　he　was　fortunate。〃

〃You　have　a　kindness　for　him。〃

〃I　respect　him。〃

〃He　is　a　friendly　old　fellow　in　his　awkward　fashion；　honourable；
and　so　forth。　But　a　disreputable　alliance　of　that　sort　sticks　to　a
man。　The　world　will　talk。　Yes；　he　was　fortunate　so　far；　he　fell
into　the　mire　and　got　out　of　it。　Were　he　to　marry　again　。　。

〃She　。。。〃

〃Died。　Do　not　be　startled；　it　was　a　natural　death。　She　responded　
to　the　sole　wishes　left　to　his　family。　He　buried　the　woman；　and　I
received　him。　I　took　him　on　my　tour。　A　second　marriage　might　cover
the　first：　there　would　be　a　buzz　about　the　old　business：　the
woman's　relatives　write　to　him　still；　try　to　bleed　him；　I　dare
say。　However；　now　you　understand　his　gloominess。　I　don't　imagine
he　regrets　his　loss。　He　probably　sentimentalizes；　like　most　men
when　they　are　well　rid　of　a　burden。　You　must　not　think　the　worse
of　him。〃

〃I　do　not；〃　said　Clara。

〃I　defend　him　whenever　the　matter's　discussed。〃

〃I　hope　you　do。〃

〃Without　approving　his　folly。　I　can't　wash　him　clean。〃

They　were　at　the　Hall…doors。　She　waited　for　any　personal
communications　he　might　be　pleased　to　make；　and　as　there　was　none；
she　ran　upstairs　to　her　room。

He　had　tossed　her　to　Vernon　in　his　mind；　not　only　painlessly；　but
with　a　keen　acid　of　satisfaction。　The　heart　is　the　wizard。

Next　he　bent　his　deliberate　steps　to　Laetitia。

The　mind　was　guilty　of　some　hesitation；　the　feet　went　forward。

She　was　working　at　an　embroidery　by　an　open　window。　　Colonel　De
Craye　leaned　outside；　and　Willoughby　pardoned　her　air　of　demure
amusement；　on　hearing　him　say：　〃No；　I　have　had　one　of　the
pleasantest　half…hours　of　my　life；　and　would　rather　idle　here；　if
idle　you　will　have　it；　than　employ　my　faculties　on　horse…back；〃

〃Time　is　not　lost　in　conversing　with　Miss　Dale；〃　said
Willoughby。

The　light　was　tender　to　her　complexion　where　she　sat　in　partial
shadow。

De　Craye　asked　whether　Crossjay　had　been　caught。

Laetitia　murmured　a　kind　word　for　the　boy。　Willoughby　examined　her
embroidery。

The　ladies　Eleanor　and　Isabel　appeared。

They　invited　her　to　take　carriage　exercise　with　them。

Laetitia　did　not　immediately　answer；　and　Willoughby　remarked：
〃Miss　Dale　has　been　reproving　Horace　for　idleness　and　I　recommend
you　to　enlist　him　to　do　duty；　while　I　relieve　him　here。〃

The　ladies　had　but　to　look　at　the　colonel。　He　was　at　their
disposal；　if　they　would　have　him。　He　was　marched　to　the　carriage。

Laetitia　plied　her　threads。

〃Colonel　De　Craye　spoke　of　Crossjay；〃　she　said。　〃May　I　hope　you
have　forgiven　the　poor　boy；　Sir　Willoughby？〃

He　replied：　〃Plead　for　him。〃

〃I　wish　I　had　eloquence。〃

〃In　my　opinion　you　have　it。〃

〃If　he　offends；　it　is　never　from　meanness。　At　school；　among
comrades；　he　would　shine。　He　is　in　too　strong　a　light；　his
feelings　and　his　moral　nature　are　over…excited。〃

〃That　was　not　the　case　when　he　was　at　home　with　you。

〃I　am　severe；　I　am　stern。〃

〃A　Spartan　mother！〃

〃My　system　of　managing　a　boy　would　be　after　that　model：　except　in
this：　he　should　always　feet　that　he　could　obtain　forgiveness。〃

〃Not　at　the　expense　of　justice？〃

〃Ah！　young　creatures　are　not　to　be　arraigned　before　the　higher
Courts。　It　seems　to　me　perilous　to　terrify　their　imaginations。
If　we　do　so；　are　we　not　likely　to　produce　the　very　evil　we　are
combating？　The　alternations　for　the　young　should　be　school　and
home：　and　it　should　be　in　their　hearts　to　have　confidence　that
forgiveness　alternates　with　discipline。　They　are　of　too　tender　an
age　for　the　rigours　of　the　world；　we　are　in　danger　of　hardening
them。　I　prove　to　you　that　I　am　not　possessed　of　eloquence。　You
encouraged　me　to　speak；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

〃You　speak　wisely；　Laetitia。〃

〃I　think　it　true。　Will　not　you　reflect　on　it？　You　have　only　to　do
so　to　forgive　him。　I　am　growing　bold　indeed；　and　shall　have　to　beg
forgiveness　for　myself。〃

〃You　still　write？　you　continue　to　work　with　your　pen？〃　said
Willoughby。

〃A　little；　a　very　little。〃

〃I　do　not　like　you　to　squander　yourself；　waste　yourself；　on　the
public。　You　are　too　precious　to　feed　the　beast。　Giving　out
incessantly　must　end　by　attenuating。　Reserve　yourself　for　your
friends。　Why　should　they　be　robbed　of　so　much　of　you？　Is　it　not
reasonable　to　assume　that　by　lying　fallow　you　would　be　more
enriched　for　domestic　life？　Candidly；　had　I　authority　I　would
confiscate　your　pen：　I　would　'away　with　that　bauble'。　You　will　not
often　find　me　quoting　Cromwell；　but　his　words　apply　in　this
instance。　I　would　say　rather；　that　lancet。　Perhaps　it　is　the　more
correct　term。　It　bleeds　you；　it　wastes　you。　For　what？　For　a　breath
of　fame！〃

〃I　write　for　money。〃

〃And　thereI　would　say　of　anotheryou　subject　yourself　to　the
risk　of　mental　degradation。　Who　knows？moral！　Trafficking　the
brains　for　money　must　bring　them　to　the　level　of　the　purchasers　in
time。　I　confiscate　your　pen；　Laetitia。〃

〃It　will　be　to　confiscate　your　own　gift；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

〃Then　that　proveswill　you　tell　me　the　date？〃

〃You　sent　me　a　gold　pen…holder　on　my　sixteenth　birthday。〃

〃It　proves　my　utter　thoughtlessness　then；　and　later。　And　later！〃

He　rested　an　elbow　on　his　knee；　and　covered　his　eyes；　murmuring　in
that　profound　hollow　which　is　haunted　by　the　voice　of　a　contrite
past：　〃And　later！〃

The　deed　could　be　done。　He　had　come　to　the　conclusion　that　it
could　be　done；　though　the　effort　to　harmonize　the　figure　sitting
near　him；　with　the　artistic　figure　of　his　purest　pigments；　had
cost　him　labour　and　a　blinking　of　the　eyelids。　That　also　could　be
done。　Her　pleasant　tone；　sensible　talk；　and　the　light　favouring
her　complexion；　helped　him　in　his　effort。　She　was　a　sober　cup；
sober　and　wholesome。　Deliriousness　is　for　adolescence。　The　men　who
seek　intoxicating　cups　are　men　who　invite　their　fates。

Curiously；　yet　as　positively　as　things　can　be　affirmed；　the
husband　of　this　woman　would　be　able　to　boast　of　her　virtues　and
treasures　abroad；　as　he　could　notimpossible　to　say　why　not
boast　of　a　beautiful　wife　or　a　blue…stocking　wife。　One　of　her
merits　as　a　wife　would　be　this　extraordinary　neutral　merit　of　a
character　that　demanded　colour　from　the　marital　hand；　and　would
take　it。

Laetitia　had　not　to　learn　that　he　had　much　to　distress　him。　Her
wonder　at　his　exposure　of　his　grief　counteracted　a　fluttering　of
vague　alarm。　She　was　nervous；　she　sat　in　expectation　of　some　burst
of　regrets　or　of　passion。

〃I　may　hope　that　you　have　pardoned　Crossjay？〃　she　said。

〃My　friend；〃　said　he；　uncovering　his　face；　〃I　am　governed　by
principles。　Convince　me　of　an　error；　I　shall　not　obstinately
pursue　a　premeditated　course。　But　you　know　me。　Men　who　have　not
principles　to　rule　their　conduct　arewell；　they　are　unworthy　of
a　half　hour　of　companionship　with　you。　I　will　speak　to　you
to…night。　I　have　letters　to　dispatch。　To…night：　at　twelve：　in　the
room　where　we　spoke　last。　Or　await　me　in　the　drawing…room。　I　have
to　attend　to　my　guests　till　late。〃

He　bowed；　he　was　in　a　hurry　to　go。

The　deed　could　he　done。　It　must　be　done；　it　was　his　destiny。



CHAPTER　XXXIX

In　the　Heart　of　the　Egoist

But　already　he　had　begun　to　regard　the　deed　as　his　executioner。　He
dreaded　meeting　Clara。　The　folly　of　having　retained　her　stood
before　him。　How　now　to　look　on　her　and　keep　a　sane　resolution
unwavering？　She　tempted　to　the　insane。　Had　she　been　away；　he　could
have　walked　through　the　performance　composed　by　the　sense　of　doing
a　duty　to　himself；　perhaps　faintly　hating　the　poor　wretch　he　made
happy　at　last；　kind　to　her　in　a　manner；　polite。　Clara's　presence
in　the　house　previous　to　the　deed；　and；　oh；　heaven！　after　it；
threatened　his　wits。　Pride？　He　had　none；　he　cast　it　down　for　her
to　trample　it；　he　caught　it　back　ere　it　was　trodden　on。　Yes；　he
had　pride：　he　had　it　as　a　dagger　in　his　breast：　his　pride　was　his
misery。　But　he　was　too　proud　to　submit　to　misery。　〃What　I　do　is
right。〃　He　said　the　words；　and　rectitude　smoothed　his　path；　till
the　question　clamoured　for　answer：　Would　the　world　countenance　and
endorse　his　pride　in　Laetitia？　At　one　time；　yes。　And　now？　Clara's
beauty　ascended；　laid　a　beam　on　him。　We　are　on　board　the　labouring
vessel　of　humanity　in　a　storm；　when　cries　and　countercries　ring
out；　disorderliness　mixes　the　crew；　and　the　fury　of
self…preservation　divides：　this　one　is　for　the　ship；　that　one　for
his　life。　Clara　was　the　former　to　him；　Laetitia　the　latter。　　But
what　if　there　might　not　be　greater　safety　in　holding　tenaciously
to　Clara　than　in　casting　her　off　for　Laetitia？　No；　she　had　done
things　to　set　his　pride　throbbing　in　the　quick。　She　had　gone
bleeding　about　first　to　one；　then　to　a