the egoist-第83部分

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others。　I　have　made　the　discovery　that　I　cannot　love　without
respecting；　and　as　I　will　not　marry　without　loving；　it　ensues　that
I　am　freeI　am　yours。　At　last？your　lips　move：　tell　me　the
words。　Have　always　loved；　I　said。　You　carry　in　your　bosom　the
magnet　of　constancy；　and　I；　in　spite　of　apparent　deviations；
declare　to　you　that　I　have　never　ceased　to　be　sensible　of　the
attraction。　And　now　there　is　not　an　impediment。　We　two　against
the　world！　we　are　one。　Let　me　confess　to　an　old　foibleperfectly
youthful；　and　you　will　ascribe　it　to　youth：　once　I　desired　to
absorb。　I　mistrusted；　that　was　the　reason：　I　perceive　it。　You
teach　me　the　difference　of　an　alliance　with　a　lady　of　intellect。
The　pride　I　have　in　you；　Laetitia；　definitely　cures　me　of　that
insane　passioncall　it　an　insatiable　hunger。　I　recognize　it　as
a　folly　of　youth。　I　have；　as　it　were；　gone　the　tour；　to　come　home
to　youat　last？and　live　our　manly　life　of　comparative　equals。
At　last；　then！　But　remember　that　in　the　younger　man　you　would　have
had　a　despotperhaps　a　jealous　despot。　Young　men；　I　assure　you；
are　orientally　inclined　in　their　ideas　of　love。　Love　gets　a　bad
name　from　them。　We；　my　Laetitia；　do　not　regard　love　as　a
selfishness。　If　it　is；　it　is　the　essence　of　life。　At　least　it　is
our　selfishness　rendered　beautiful。　I　talk　to　you　like　a　man　who
has　found　a　compatriot　in　a　foreign　land。　It　seems　to　me　that　I
have　not　opened　my　mouth　for　an　age。　I　certainly　have　not　unlocked
my　heart。　Those　who　sing　for　joy　are　not　unintelligible　to　me。　If
I　had　not　something　in　me　worth　saying　I　think　I　should　sing。　In
every　sense　you　reconcile　me　to　men　and　the　world；　Laetitia。　Why
press　you　to　speak？　I　will　be　the　speaker。　As　surely　as　you　know
me；　I　know　you：　and　。。。〃

Laetitia　burst　forth　with：　〃No！〃

〃I　do　not　know　you？〃　said　he；　searchingly　mellifluous。

〃Hardly。〃

〃How　not？〃

〃I　am　changed。〃

〃In　what　way？〃

〃Deeply。〃

〃Sedater？〃

〃Materially。〃

〃Colour　will　come　back：　have　no　fear；　I　promise　it。　If　you　imagine
you　want　renewing；　I　have　the　specific；　I；　my　love；　I！〃

〃Forgive　mewill　you　tell　me；　Sir　Willoughby；　whether　you　have
broken　with　Miss　Middleton？〃

〃Rest　satisfied；　my　dear　Laetitia。　She　is　as　free　as　I　am。　I　can
do　no　more　than　a　man　of　honour　should　do。　She　releases　me。
To…morrow　or　next　day　she　departs。　We；　Laetitia；　you　and　I；　my
love；　are　home　birds。　It　does　not　do　for　the　home　bird　to　couple
with　the　migratory。　The　little　imperceptible　change　you　allude　to；
is　nothing。　Italy　will　restore　you。　I　am　ready　to　stake　my　own
healthnever　yet　shaken　by　a　doctor　of　medicine：I　say
medicine　advisedly；　for　there　are　doctors　of　divinity　who　would
shake　giants：that　an　Italian　trip　will　send　you　backthat　I
shall　bring　you　home　from　Italy　a　blooming　bride。　You　shake　your
headdespondently？　My　love；　I　guarantee　it。　Cannot　I　give　you
colour？　Behold！　Come　to　the　light；　look　in　the　glass。〃

〃I　may　redden；〃　said　Laetitia。　〃I　suppose　that　is　due　to　the
action　of　the　heart。　I　am　changed。　Heart；　for　any　other　purpose；　I
have　not。　I　am　like　you；　Sir　Willoughby；　in　this：　I　could　not
marry　without　loving；　and　I　do　not　know　what　love　is；　except　that
it　is　an　empty　dream。〃

〃Marriage；　my　dearest。。。〃

〃You　are　mistaken。〃

〃I　will　cure　you；　my　Laetitia。　Look　to　me；　I　am　the　tonic。　It　is
not　common　confidence；　but　conviction。　I；　my　love；　I！〃

〃There　is　no　cure　for　what　I　feel；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

〃Spare　me　the　formal　prefix；　I　beg。　You　place　your　hand　in　mine；
relying　on　me。　I　am　pledge　for　the　remainder。　We　end　as　we　began：
my　request　is　for　your　handyour　hand　in　marriage。〃

〃I　cannot　give　it。〃

〃To　be　my　wife！〃

〃It　is　an　honour；　I　must　decline　it。〃

〃Are　you　quite　well；　Laetitia？　I　propose　in　the　plainest　terms　I
can　employ；　to　make　you　Lady　Patternemine。〃

〃I　am　compelled　to　refuse。〃

〃Why？　Refuse？　Your　reason！〃

〃The　reason　has　been　named。〃

He　took　a　stride　to　inspirit　his　wits。

〃There's　a　madness　comes　over　women　at　times；　I　know。　　Answer　me；
Laetitia：by　all　the　evidence　a　man　can　have；　I　could　swear　it：
but　answer　me；　you　loved　me　once？〃

〃I　was　an　exceedingly　foolish；　romantic　girl。〃

〃You　evade　my　question：　I　am　serious。　Oh！〃　he　walked　away　from　her
booming　a　sound　of　utter　repudiation　of　her　present　imbecility；
and　hurrying　to　her　side；　said：　〃But　it　was　manifest　to　the　whole
world！　It　was　a　legend。　To　love　like　Laetitia　Dale；　was　a　current
phrase。　You　were　an　example；　a　light　to　women：　no　one　was　your
match　for　devotion。　You　were　a　precious　cameo；　still　gazing！　And　I
was　the　object。　You　loved　me。　You　loved　me；　you　belonged　to　me；
you　were　mine；　my　possession；　my　jewel；　I　was　prouder　of　your
constancy　than　of　anything　else　that　I　had　on　earth。　It　was　a　part
of　the　order　of　the　universe　to　me。　A　doubt　of　it　would　have
disturbed　my　creed。　Why；　good　heaven！　where　are　we？　Is　nothing
solid　on　earth？　You　loved　me！〃

〃I　was　childish；　indeed。〃

〃You　loved　me　passionately！〃

〃Do　you　insist　on　shaming　me　through　and　through；　Sir　Willoughby？
I　have　been　exposed　enough。〃

〃You　cannot　blot　out　the　past：　it　is　written；　it　is　recorded。　You
loved　me　devotedly；　silence　is　no　escape。　You　loved　me。〃

〃I　did。〃

〃You　never　loved　me；　you　shallow　woman！　'I　did！'　As　if　there　could
be　a　cessation　of　a　love！　What　are　we　to　reckon　on　as　ours？　We
prize　a　woman's　love；　we　guard　it　jealously；　we　trust　to　it；　dream
of　it；　there　is　our　wealth；　there　is　our　talisman！　And　when　we
open　the　casket　it　has　flown！barren　vacuity！we　are　poorer
than　dogs。　As　well　think　of　keeping　a　costly　wine　in　potter's　clay
as　love　in　the　heart　of　a　woman！　There　are　womenwomen！　Oh；
they　are　all　of　a　stamp　coin！　Coin　for　any　hand！　It's　a　fiction；
an　imposturethey　cannot　love。　They　are　the　shadows　of　men。
Compared　with　men；　they　have　as　much　heart　in　them　as　the　shadow
beside　the　body。　Laetitia！〃

〃Sir　Willoughby。〃

〃You　refuse　my　offer？〃

〃I　must。〃

〃You　refuse　to　take　me　for　your　husband？〃

〃I　cannot　be　your　wife。〃

〃You　have　changed？　。。。　you　have　set　your　heart？　。。。　you　could
marry？　。。。　there　is　a　man？　。。。　you　could　marry　one！　I　will　have
an　answer；　I　am　sick　of　evasions。　What　was　in　the　mind　of　Heaven
when　women　were　created；　will　be　the　riddle　to　the　end　of　the
world！　Every　good　man　in　turn　has　made　the　inquiry。　I　have　a　right
to　know　who　robs　meWe　may　try　as　we　like　to　solve　it。Satan
is　painted　laughing！I　say　I　have　a　right　to　know　who　robs　me。
Answer　me。〃

〃I　shall　not　marry。〃

〃That　is　not　an　answer。〃

〃I　love　no　one。〃

〃You　loved　me。You　are　silent？but　you　confessed　it。　Then　you
confess　it　was　a　love　that　could　die！　Are　you　unable　to　perceive
how　that　redounds　to　my　discredit？　You　loved　me；　you　have　ceased
to　love　me。　In　other　words　you　charge　me　with　incapacity　to
sustain　a　woman's　love。　You　accuse　me　of　inspiring　a　miserable
passion　that　cannot　last　a　lifetime！　You　let　the　world　see　that　I
am　a　man　to　be　aimed　at　for　a　temporary　mark！　And　simply　because　I
happen　to　be　in　your　neighbourhood　at　an　age　when　a　young　woman　is
impressionable！　You　make　a　public　example　of　me　as　a　for　whom
women　may　have　a　caprice；　but　that　is　all；　he　cannot　enchain　them；
he　fascinates　passingly；　they　fall　off。　Is　it　just；　for　me　to　be
taken　up　and　cast　down　at　your　will？　Reflect　on　that　scandal！
Shadows？　Why；　a　man's　shadow　is　faithful　to　him　at　least。　What　are
women？　There　is　not　a　comparison　in　nature　that　does　not　tower
above　them！　not　one　that　does　not　hoot　at　them！　I；　throughout　my
life；　guided　by　absolute　deference　to　their　weaknesspaying　them
politeness；　courtesywhatever　I　touch　I　am　happy　in；　except　when
I　touch　women！　How　is　it？　What　is　the　mystery？　Some　monstrous　
explanation　must　exist。　What　can　it　be？　I　am　favoured　by　fortune
from　my　birth　until　I　enter　into　relations　with　women。　But　will
you　be　so　good　as　to　account　for　it　in　your　defence　of　them？　Oh！
were　the　relations　dishonourable；　it　would　be　quite　another
matter。　Then　they　。。。　I　could　recount　。。。　I　disdain　to　chronicle
such　victories。　Quite　another　matter。　But　they　are　flies；　and　I　am
something　more　stable。　They　are　flies。　I　look　beyond　the　day；　I
owe　a　duty　to　my　line。　They　are　flies。　I　foresee　it；　I　shall　be
crossed　in　my　fate　so　long　as　I　fail　to　shun　themflies！　Not
merely　born　for　the　day；　I　maintain　that　they　are　spiritually
ephemeralWell；　my　opinion　of　your　sex　is　directly　traceable　to
you。　You　may　alter　it；　or　fling　another　of　us　men　out　on　the　world
with　the　old　bitter　experience。　Consider　this；　that　it　is　on　your
head　if　my　ideal　of　women　is　wrecked。　It　rests　with　you　to　restore
it。　I　love　you。　I　discover　that　you　are　the　one　woman　I　have
always　loved。　I　come　to　you；　I　sue　you；　and　suddenlyyou　have
changed！　'I　have　changed：　I　am　not　the　same。'　What　can　it　mean？　'I
cannot　marry：　I　love　no　one。'　And　you　say　you　do　not　know　what
love　isavowing　in　the　same　breath　that　you　did　love　me！　Am　I
the　empty　dream？　My　hand；　heart；　fortune；　name；　are　yours；　at　your
feet；　you　kick　them　hence。　I　am　hereyou　reject　me。　But　why；　for
what　mortal　reason　am　I　here　other　than　my　faith　in　your　love？　You
drew　me　to　you；　to　repel　me；　and　have　a　wretched　revenge。〃

〃You　know　it　is　not　that；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

〃Have　you　any　possible　suspicion　that　I　am　still　entangled；　not；
as　I　assure　you　I　am；　perfectly　free　in　fact　and　in　honour？〃

〃It　is　not　that。〃

〃Name　it；　for　you　see　your　power。　Would　you　have　me　kneel　to　you；
madam？〃

〃Oh；　no；　it　would　complete　my　grief。〃

〃You　feel　grief？　Then　you　believe　in　my　affection；　and　you　hurl　it
away。　I　have　no　doubt　that　as　a　poetess　you　would　say；　love　is
eternal。　And　you　have　loved　me。　And　you　tell　me　you　love　me　no
more。　You　are　not　very　logical；　Laetitia　Dale。〃

〃Poetesses　rarely　are：　if　I　am　one；　which　I　little　pretend　to　be
for　writing　silly　verses。　I　have　passed　out　of　that　delusion；　with
the　rest。〃

〃You　shall　not　wrong　those　dear　old　days；　Laetitia。　I　see　them
now；　when　I　rode　by　your　cottage　and　you　were　at　your　window；　pen
in　hand；　your　hair　straying　over　your　forehead。　Romantic；　yes；
not　foolish。　Why　were　you　foolish　in　thinking　of　me？　Some　day　I
will　commission　an　artist　to　paint　me　that　portrait　of　you　from　my
description。　And　I　remember　when　we　fi