the egoist-第84部分

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description。　And　I　remember　when　we　first　whispered　。。。　I　remember
your　trembling。　You　have　forgottenI　remember。　I　remember　our
meeting　in　the　park　on　the　path　to　church。　I　remember　the　heavenly
morning　of　my　return　from　my　travels；　and　the　same　Laetitia
meeting　me；　stedfast　and　unchangeable。　Could　I　ever　forget？　Those
are　ineradicable　scenes；　pictures　of　my　youth；　interwound　with　me。
I　may　say；　that　as　I　recede　from　them；　I　dwell　on　them　the　more。
Tell　me；　Laetitia；　was　there　not　a　certain　prophecy　of　your
father's　concerning　us　two？　I　fancy　I　heard　of　one。　There　was
one。〃

〃He　was　an　invalid。　Elderly　people　nurse　illusions。〃

〃Ask　yourself　Laetitia；　who　is　the　obstacle　to　the　fulfilment　of
his　prediction？truth；　if　ever　a　truth　was　foreseen　on　earth。
You　have　not　changed　so　far　that　you　would　feel　no　pleasure　in
gratifying　him？　I　go　to　him　to…morrow　morning　with　the　first
light。〃

〃You　will　compel　me　to　follow；　and　undeceive　him。〃

〃Do　so；　and　I　denounce　an　unworthy　affection　you　are　ashamed　to
avow。〃

〃That　would　be　idle；　though　it　would　be　base。〃

〃Proof　of　love；　then！　For　no　one　but　you　should　it　be　done；　and
no　one　but　you　dare　accuse　me　of　a　baseness。〃

〃Sir　Willoughby；　you　will　let　my　father　die　in　peace。〃

〃He　and　I　together　will　contrive　to　persuade　you。〃

〃You　tempt　me　to　imagine　that　you　want　a　wife　at　any　cost。〃

〃You；　Laetitia；　you。〃

〃I　am　tired；〃　she　said。　〃It　is　late；　I　would　rather　not　hear　more。
I　am　sorry　if　I　have　caused　you　pain。　I　suppose　you　to　have　spoken
with　candour。　I　defend　neither　my　sex　nor　myself。　I　can　only　say　I
am　a　woman　as　good　as　dead：　happy　to　be　made　happy　in　my　way；　but
so　little　alive　that　I　cannot　realize　any　other　way。　As　for　love；
I　am　thankful　to　have　broken　a　spell。　You　have　a　younger　woman　in
your　mind；　I　am　an　old　one：　I　have　no　ambition　and　no　warmth。　My
utmost　prayer　is　to　float　on　the　streama　purely　physical　desire
of　life：　I　have　no　strength　to　swim。　Such　a　woman　is　not　the　wife
for　you；　Sir　Willoughby。　Good　night。〃

〃One　final　word。　Weigh　it。　Express　no　conventional　regrets。
Resolutely　you　refuse？〃

〃Resolutely　I　do。〃

〃You　refuse？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃I　have　sacrificed　my　pride　for　nothing！　You　refuse？〃

〃Yes。〃

〃Humbled　myself！　And　this　is　the　answer！　You　do　refuse？〃

〃I　do。〃

〃Good　night；　Laetitia　Dale。〃

He　gave　her　passage。

〃Good　night；　Sir　Willoughby。〃

〃I　am　in　your　power；〃　he　said；　in　a　voice　between　supplication　and
menace　that　laid　a　claw　on　her；　and　she　turned　and　replied：

〃You　will　not　be　betrayed。〃

〃I　can　trust　you　。。。　？〃

〃I　go　home　to…morrow　before　breakfast。〃

〃Permit　me　to　escort　you　upstairs。〃

〃If　you　please：　but　I　see　no　one　here　either　to…night　or
tomorrow。〃

〃It　is　for　the　privilege　of　seeing　the　last　of　you。〃

They　withdrew。

Young　Crossjay　listened　to　the　drumming　of　his　head。　　Somewhere　in
or　over　the　cavity　a　drummer　rattled　tremendously。

Sir　Willoughby's　laboratory　door　shut　with　a　slam。

Crossjay　tumbled　himself　off　the　ottoman。　He　stole　up　to　the
unclosed　drawing…room　door；　and　peeped。　Never　was　a　boy　more
thoroughly　awakened。　His　object　was　to　get　out　of　the　house　and　go
through　the　night　avoiding　everything　human；　for　he　was　big　with
information　of　a　character　that　he　knew　to　be　of　the　nature　of
gunpowder；　and　he　feared　to　explode。　He　crossed　the　hall。　In　the
passage　to　the　scullery　he　ran　against　Colonel　De　Craye。

〃So　there　you　are；〃　said　the　colonel；　〃I've　been　hunting　you。〃

Crossjay　related　that　his　bedroom　door　was　locked　and　the　key
gone；　and　Sir　Willoughby　sitting　up　in　the　laboratory。　

Colonel　De　Craye　took　the　boy　to　his　own　room；　where　Crossjay　lay
on　a　sofa；　comfortably　covered　over　and　snug　in　a　swelling
pillow；　but　he　was　restless；　he　wanted　to　speak；　to　bellow；　to
cry；　and　he　bounced　round　to　his　left　side；　and　bounced　to　his
right；　not　knowing　what　to　think；　except　that　there　was　treason　to
his　adored　Miss　Middleton。

〃Why；　my　lad；　you're　not　half　a　campaigner；〃　the　colonel　called
out　to　him；　attributing　his　uneasiness　to　the　material　discomfort
of　the　sofa：　and　Crossjay　had　to　swallow　the　taunt；　bitter　though
it　was。　A　dim　sentiment　of　impropriety　in　unburdening　his
overcharged　mind　on　the　subject　of　Miss　Middleton　to　Colonel　De
Craye　restrained　him　from　defending　himself；　and　so　he　heaved　and
tossed　about　till　daybreak。　At　an　early　hour；　while　his
hospitable　friend；　who　looked　very　handsome　in　profile　half　breast
and　head　above　the　sheets；　continued　to　slumber；　Crossjay　was　on
his　legs　and　away。　〃He　says　I'm　not　half　a　campaigner；　and　a
couple　of　hours　of　bed　are　enough　for　me；〃　the　boy　thought
proudly；　and　snuffed　the　springing　air　of　the　young　sun　on　the
fields。　A　glance　back　at　Patterne　Hall　dismayed　him；　for　he　knew
not　how　to　act；　and　he　was　immoderately　combustible；　too　full　of
knowledge　for　self…containment；　much　too　zealously　excited　on
behalf　of　his　dear　Miss　Middleton　to　keep　silent　for　many　hours　of
the　day。


CHAPTER　XLI

The　Rev。　Dr。　Middleton；　Clara；　and　Sir　Willoughby

When　Master　Crossjay　tumbled　down　the　stairs；　Laetitia　was　in
Clara's　room；　speculating　on　the　various　mishaps　which　might　have
befallen　that　battered　youngster；　and　Clara　listened　anxiously
after　Laetitia　had　run　out；　until　she　heard　Sir　Willoughby's
voice；　which　in　some　way　satisfied　her　that　the　boy　was　not　in　the
house。

She　waited；　expecting　Miss　Dale　to　return；　then　undressed；　went　to
bed；　tried　to　sleep。　She　was　tired　of　strife。　Strange　thoughts　for
a　young　head　shot　through　her：　as；　that　it　is　possible　for　the
sense　of　duty　to　counteract　distaste；　and　that　one　may　live　a　life
apart　from　one's　admirations　and　dislikes：　she　owned　the　singular
strength　of　Sir　Willoughby　in　outwearying：　she　asked　herself　how
much　she　had　gained　by　struggling：every　effort　seemed　to
expend　her　spirit's　force；　and　rendered　her　less　able　to　get　the
clear　vision　of　her　prospects；　as　though　it　had　sunk　her　deeper：
the　contrary　of　her　intention　to　make　each　further　step　confirm
her　liberty。　Looking　back；　she　marvelled　at　the　things　she　had
done。　Looking　round；　how　ineffectual　they　appeared！　She　had　still
the　great　scene　of　positive　rebellion　to　go　through　with　her
father。

The　anticipation　of　that　was　the　cause　of　her　extreme
discouragement。　He　had　not　spoken　to　her　since　he　became　aware　of
her　attempted　flight：　but　the　scene　was　coming；　and　besides　the
wish　not　to　inflict　it　on　him；　as　well　as　to　escape　it　herself；
the　girl's　peculiar　unhappiness　lay　in　her　knowledge　that　they
were　alienated　and　stood　opposed；　owing　to　one　among　the　more
perplexing　masculine　weaknesses；　which　she　could　not　hint　at；
dared　barely　think　of；　and　would　not　name　in　her　meditations。
Diverting　to　other　subjects；　she　allowed　herself　to　exclaim；
〃Wine；　wine！〃　in　renewed　wonder　of　what　there　could　be　in　wine　to
entrap　venerable　men　and　obscure　their　judgements。　She　was　too
young　to　consider　that　her　being　very　much　in　the　wrong　gave　all
the　importance　to　the　cordial　glass　in　a　venerable　gentleman's
appreciation　of　his　dues。　Why　should　he　fly　from　a　priceless　wine
to　gratify　the　caprices　of　a　fantastical　child　guilty　of　seeking
to　commit　a　breach　of　faith？　He　harped　on　those　words。　Her　fault
was　grave。　No　doubt　the　wine　coloured　it　to　him；　as　a　drop　or　two
will　do　in　any　cup：　still　her　fault　was　grave。

She　was　too　young　for　such　considerations。　She　was　ready　to
expatiate　on　the　gravity　of　her　fault；　so　long　as　the　humiliation
assisted　to　her　disentanglement：　her　snared　nature　in　the　toils
would　not　permit　her　to　reflect　on　it　further。　She　had　never
accurately　perceived　it：　for　the　reason　perhaps　that　Willoughby
had　not　been　moving　in　his　appeals：　but；　admitting　the　charge　of
waywardness；　she　had　come　to　terms　with　conscience；　upon　the
understanding　that　she　was　to　perceive　it　and　regret　it　and　do
penance　for　it　by…and…by：by　renouncing　marriage　altogether？　How
light　a　penance！

In　the　morning；　she　went　to　Laetitia's　room；　knocked；　and　had　no
answer。

She　was　informed　at　the　breakfast…table　of　Miss　Dale's　departure。　
The　ladies　Eleanor　and　Isabel　feared　it　to　be　a　case　of　urgency　at
the　cottage。　No　one　had　seen　Vernon；　and　Clara　requested　Colonel
De　Craye　to　walk　over　to　the　cottage　for　news　of　Crossjay。　He
accepted　the　commission；　simply　to　obey　and　be　in　her　service：
assuring　her；　however；　that　there　was　no　need　to　be　disturbed
about　the　boy。　He　would　have　told　her　more。　had　not　Dr。　Middleton
led　her　out。

Sir　Willoughby　marked　a　lapse　of　ten　minutes　by　his　watch。　His
excellent　aunts　had　ventured　a　comment　on　his　appearance　that
frightened　him　lest　he　himself　should　be　the　person　to　betray　his
astounding　discomfiture。　He　regarded　his　conduct　as　an　act　of
madness；　and　Laetitia's　as　no　less　that　of　a　madwomanhappily
mad！　Very　happily　mad　indeed！　Her　rejection　of　his　ridiculously
generous　proposal　seemed　to　show　an　intervening　hand　in　his
favour；　that　sent　her　distraught　at　the　right　moment。　He　entirely
trusted　her　to　be　discreet；　but　she　was　a　miserable　creature；　who
had　lost　the　one　last　chance　offered　her　by　Providence；　and
furnished　him　with　a　signal　instance　of　the　mediocrity　of　woman's
love。

Time　was　flying。　In　a　little　while　Mrs。　Mountstuart　would　arrive。
He　could　not　fence　her　without　a　design　in　his　head；　he　was
destitute　of　an　armoury　if　he　had　no　scheme：　he　racked　the　brain
only　to　succeed　in　rousing　phantasmal　vapours。　Her　infernal　
〃Twice！〃　would　cease　now　to　apply　to　Laetitia；　it　would　be　an　echo
of　Lady　Busshe。　Nay；　were　all　in　the　secret；　Thrice　jilted！　might
become　the　universal　roar。　And　this；　he　reflected　bitterly；　of　a
man　whom　nothing　but　duty　to　his　line　had　arrested　from　being　the
most　mischievous　of　his　class　with　women！　Such　is　our　reward　for
uprightness！

At　the　expiration　of　fifteen　minutes　by　his　watch；　he　struck　a
knuckle　on　the　library　door。　Dr。　Middleton　held　it　open　to　him。

〃You　are　disengaged；　sir？〃

〃The　sermon　is　upon　the　paragraph　which　is　toned　to　awaken　the
clerk；〃　replied　the　Rev。　Doctor。

Clara　was　weeping。

Sir　Willoughby　drew　near　her　solicitously。

Dr　Middleton's　mane　of　silvery　hair　was　in　a　state　bearing　witness
to　the　vehemence　of　the　s