the egoist-第86部分

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of　the　stuff　composing　them。　At　a　particular　age　they　traffic　in
whims：　which　are；　I　presume；　the　spiritual　of　hysterics；　and　are
indubitably　preferable；　so　long　as　they　are　not　pushed　too　far。
Examples　are　not　wanting　to　prove　that　a　flighty　initiative　on　the
part　of　the　male　is　a　handsome　corrective。　In　that　case；　we　should
probably　have　had　the　roof　off　the　house；　and　the　girl　now　at　your
feet。　Ha！〃

〃Despise　me；　father。　I　am　punished　for　ever　thinking　myself　the
superior　of　any　woman；〃　said　Clara。

〃Your　hand　out　to　him；　my　dear；　since　he　is　for　a　formal
reconciliation；　and　I　can't　wonder。〃

〃Father！　I　have　said　I　do　not　。。。　I　have　said　I　cannot　。。。

〃By　the　most　merciful！　what？　what？　the　name　for　it；　words　for　it！〃

〃Do　not　frown　on　me；　father。　I　wish　him　happiness。　I　cannot　marry
him。　I　do　not　love　him。〃

〃You　will　remember　that　you　informed　me　aforetime　that　you　did
love　him。〃

〃I　was　ignorant　。。。　I　did　not　know　myself。　I　wish　him　to　be
happy。〃

〃You　deny　him　the　happiness　you　wish　him！〃

〃It　would　not　be　for　his　happiness　were　I　to　wed　him。〃

〃Oh！〃　burst　from　Willoughby。

〃You　hear　him。　He　rejects　your　prediction；　Clara　Middleton。〃　She
caught　her　clasped　hands　up　to　her　throat。　〃Wretched；　wretched；
both！〃

〃And　you　have　not　a　word　against　him；　miserable　girl。〃

〃Miserable！　I　am。〃

〃It　is　the　cry　of　an　animal！〃

〃Yes；　father。〃

〃You　feel　like　one？　Your　behaviour　is　of　that　shape。　You　have　not
a　word？〃

〃Against　myself；　not　against　him。〃

〃And　I；　when　you　speak　so　generously；　am　to　yield　you？　give　you
up？〃　cried　Willoughby。　〃Ah！　my　love；　my　Clara；　impose　what　you
will　on　me；　not　that。　It　is　too　much　for　man。　It　is；　I　swear　it；
beyond　my　strength。〃

〃Pursue；　continue　the　strain；　'tis　in　the　right　key；〃　said　Dr。
Middleton；　departing。

Willoughby　wheeled　and　waylaid　him　with　a　bound。

〃Plead　for　me；　sir；　you　are　all…powerful。　Let　her　be　mine；　she
shall　be　happy；　or　I　will　perish　for　it。　I　will　call　it　on　my
head。Impossible！　I　cannot　lose　her。　Lose　you；　my　love？　it　would
be　to　strip　myself　of　every　blessing　of　body　and　soul。　It　would
be　to　deny　myself　possession　of　grace；　beauty；　wit；　all　the
incomparable　charms　of　loveliness　of　mind　and　person　in　woman；　and
plant　myself　in　a　desert。　You　are　my　mate；　the　sum　of　everything　I
call　mine。　Clara；　I　should　be　less　than　man　to　submit　to　such　a
loss。　Consent　to　it？　But　I　love　you！　I　worship　you！　How　can　I
consent　to　lose　you　。。。　？〃

He　saw　the　eyes　of　the　desperately　wily　young　woman　slink
sideways。　Dr。　Middleton　was　pacing　at　ever　shorter　lengths　closer
by　the　door。

〃You　hate　me？〃　Willoughby　sunk　his　voice。

〃If　it　should　turn　to　hate！〃　she　murmured。

〃Hatred　of　your　husband？〃

〃I　could　not　promise；〃　she　murmured；　more　softly　in　her　wiliness。

〃Hatred？〃　he　cried　aloud；　and　Dr。　Middleton　stopped　in　his　walk　and
flung　up　his　head：　〃Hatred　of　your　husband？　of　the　man　you　have
vowed　to　love　and　honour？　Oh；　no！　Once　mine；　it　is　not　to　he
feared。　I　trust　to　my　knowledge　of　your　nature；　I　trust　in　your
blood；　I　trust　in　your　education。　Had　I　nothing　else　to　inspire
confidence；　I　could　trust　in　your　eyes。　And；　Clara；　take　the
confession：　I　would　rather　be　hated　than　lose　you。　For　if　I　lose
you；　you　are　in　another　world；　out　of　this　one　holding　me　in　its
death…like　cold；　but　if　you　hate　me　we　are　together；　we　are　still
together。　Any　alliance；　any；　in　preference　to　separation！〃

Clara　listened　with　critical　ear。　His　language　and　tone　were　new；
and　comprehending　that　they　were　in　part　addressed　to　her　father；
whose　phrase：　〃A　breach　of　faith〃：　he　had　so　cunningly　used；
disdain　of　the　actor　prompted　the　extreme　blunder　of　her　saying
frigidly　though　she　said　it：

〃You　have　not　talked　to　me　in　this　way　before。〃

〃Finally；〃　remarked　her　father；　summing　up　the　situation　to　settle
it　from　that　little　speech；　〃he　talks　to　you　in　this　way　now；　and
you　are　under　my　injunction　to　stretch　your　hand　out　to　him　for　a
symbol　of　union；　or　to　state　your　objection　to　that　course。　He；　by
your　admission；　is　at　the　terminus；　and　there；　failing　the　why
not；　must　you　join　him。〃

Her　head　whirled。　She　had　been　severely　flagellated　and　weakened
previous　to　Willoughby's　entrance。　Language　to　express　her
peculiar　repulsion　eluded　her。　She　formed　the　words；　and　perceived
that　they　would　not　stand　to　bear　a　breath　from　her　father。　She
perceived　too　that　Willoughby　was　as　ready　with　his　agony　of
supplication　as　she　with　hers。　If　she　had　tears　for　a　resource；　he
had　gestures　quite　as　eloquent；　and　a　cry　of　her　loathing　of　the
union　would　fetch　a　countervailing　torrent　of　the　man's　love。
What　could　she　say？　he　is　an　Egoist？　The　epithet　has　no　meaning　in
such　a　scene。　Invent！　shrieked　the　hundred…voiced　instinct　of
dislike　within　her；　and　alone　with　her　father；　alone　with
Willoughby；　she　could　have　invented　some　equivalent；　to　do　her
heart　justice　for　the　injury　it　sustained　in　her　being　unable　to
name　the　true　and　immense　objection：　but　the　pair　in　presence
paralyzed　her。　She　dramatized　them　each　springing　forward　by
turns；　with　crushing　rejoinders。　The　activity　of　her　mind　revelled
in　giving　them　a　tongue；　but　would　not　do　it　for　herself。　Then
ensued　the　inevitable　consequence　of　an　incapacity　to　speak　at　the
heart's　urgent　dictate：　heart　and　mind　became　divided。　One
throbbed　hotly；　the　other　hung　aloof；　and　mentally；　while　the　sick
inarticulate　heart　kept　clamouring；　she　answered　it　with　all　that
she　imagined　for　those　two　men　to　say。　And　she　dropped　poison　on
it　to　still　its　reproaches：　bidding　herself　remember　her　fatal
postponements　in　order　to　preserve　the　seeming　of　consistency
before　her　father；　calling　it　hypocrite；　asking　herself；　what　was
she！　who　loved　her！　And　thus　beating　down　her　heart；　she　completed
the　mischief　with　a　piercing　view　of　the　foundation　of　her
father's　advocacy　of　Willoughby；　and　more　lamentably　asked　herself
what　her　value　was；　if　she　stood　bereft　of　respect　for　her　father。

Reason；　on　the　other　hand；　was　animated　by　her　better　nature　to
plead　his　case　against　her：　she　clung　to　her　respect　for　him；　and
felt　herself　drowning　with　it：　and　she　echoed　Willoughby　
consciously；　doubling　her　horror　with　the　consciousness；　in　crying
out　on　a　world　where　the　most　sacred　feelings　are　subject　to　such
lapses。　It　doubled　her　horror；　that　she　should　echo　the　man：　but
it　proved　that　she　was　no　better　than　be：　only　some　years　younger。
Those　years　would　soon　be　outlived：　after　which；　he　and　she　would
be　of　a　pattern。　She　was　unloved：　she　did　no　harm　to　any　one　by
keeping　her　word　to　this　man；　she　had　pledged　it；　and　it　would　be
a　breach　of　faith　not　to　keep　it。　No　one　loved　her。　Behold　the
quality　of　her　father's　love！　To　give　him　happiness　was　now　the
principal　aim　for　her；　her　own　happiness　being　decently　buried；
and　here　he　was　happy：　why　should　she　be　the　cause　of　his　going
and　losing　the　poor　pleasure　he　so　much　enjoyed？

The　idea　of　her　devotedness　flattered　her　feebleness。　She　betrayed
signs　of　hesitation；　and　in　hesitating；　she　looked　away　from　a
look　at　Willoughby；　thinking　（so　much　against　her　nature　was　it　to
resign　herself　to　him）　that　it　would　not　have　been　so　difficult
with　an　ill…favoured　man。　With　one　horribly　ugly；　it　would　have
been　a　horrible　exultation　to　cast　off　her　youth　and　take　the
fiendish　leap。

Unfortunately　for　Sir　Willoughby；　he　had　his　reasons　for　pressing
impatience；　and　seeing　her　deliberate；　seeing　her　hasty　look　at
his　fine　figure；　his　opinion　of　himself　combined　with　his
recollection　of　a　particular　maxim　of　the　Great　Book　to　assure　him
that　her　resistance　was　over：　chiefly　owing；　as　he　supposed；　to
his　physical　perfections。

Frequently　indeed；　in　the　contest　between　gentlemen　and　ladies；
have　the　maxims　of　the　Book　stimulated　the　assailant　to　victory。
They　are　rosy　with　blood　of　victims。　To　bear　them　is　to　hear　a
horn　that　blows　the　mort：　has　blown　it　a　thousand　times。　It　is
good　to　remember　how　often　they　have　succeeded；　when；　for　the
benefit　of　some　future　Lady　Vauban；　who　may　bestir　her　wits　to
gather　maxims　for　the　inspiriting　of　the　Defence；　the　circumstance
of　a　failure　has　to　be　recorded。　

Willoughby　could　not　wait　for　the　melting　of　the　snows。　He　saw
full　surely　the　dissolving　process；　and　sincerely　admiring　and
coveting　her　as　he　did；　rashly　this　ill…fated　gentleman　attempted
to　precipitate　it；　and　so　doing　arrested。

Whence　might　we　draw　a　note　upon　yonder　maxim；　in　words　akin　to
these：　Make　certain　ere　a　breath　come　from　thee　that　thou　be　not　a
frost。

〃Mine！　She　is　mine！〃　he　cried：　〃mine　once　more！　mine　utterly！　mine
eternally！〃　and　he　followed　up　his　devouring　exclamations　in
person　as　she；　less　decidedly；　retreated。　She　retreated　as　young
ladies　should　ever　do；　two　or　three　steps；　and　he　would　not　notice
that　she　had　become　an　angry　Dian；　all　arrows：　her　maidenliness　in
surrendering　pleased　him。　Grasping　one　fair　hand；　he　just　allowed
her　to　edge　on　the　outer　circle　of　his　embrace；　crying：　〃Not　a
syllable　of　what　I　have　gone　through！　You　shall　not　have　to
explain　it；　my　Clara。　I　will　study　you　more　diligently；　to　be
guided　by　you；　my　darling。　If　I　offend　again；　my　wife　will　not
find　it　hard　to　speak　what　my　bride　withheldI　do　not　ask　why：
perhaps　not　able　to　weigh　the　effect　of　her　reticence：　not　at　that
time；　when　she　was　younger　and　less　experienced；　estimating　the
sacredness　of　a　plighted　engagement。　It　is　past；　we　are　one；　my
dear　sir　and　father。　You　may　leave　us　now。〃

〃I　profoundly　rejoice　to　hear　that　I　may；〃　said　Dr。　Middleton。
Clara　writhed　her　captured　hand。

〃No；　papa；　stay。　It　is　an　error；　an　error。　You　must　not　leave　me。
Do　not　think　me　utterly；　eternally；　belonging　to　any　one　but　you。
No　one　shall　say　I　am　his　but　you。〃

〃Are　you　quicksands；　Clara　Middleton；　that　nothing　can　be　built　on
you？　Whither　is　a　flighty　head　and　a　shifty　will　carrying　the
girl？〃

〃Clara　and　I；　sir；〃　said　Willoughby。

〃And　so　you　shall；〃　said　the　Doctor；　turning　about。

〃Not　yet；　papa：〃　Clara　sprang　to　him。

〃Why；　you；　you；　you；　it　was　you　who　craved　to　be　alone　with
Willoughby！〃　her　father　shouted；　〃and　here　we　are　rounded　to　our
starting…point；　with　the　solitary　d