the beast in the jungle-第5部分

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　I　AM　afraid。　　For　then；〃　he　said；　〃we　shouldn't；　should　we？　quite　know　what　to　do。〃

She　had　for　the　time　no　answer　to　this　question。　　〃There　have　been　days　when　I　thought　you　were。　　Only；　of　course；〃　she　added；　〃there　have　been　days　when　we　have　thought　almost　anything。〃

〃Everything。　　Oh！〃　Marcher　softly　groaned；　as　with　a　gasp；　half　spent；　at　the　face；　more　uncovered　just　then　than　it　had　been　for　a　long　while；　of　the　imagination　always　with　them。　　It　had　always　had　it's　incalculable　moments　of　glaring　out；　quite　as　with　the　very　eyes　of　the　very　Beast；　and；　used　as　he　was　to　them；　they　could　still　draw　from　him　the　tribute　of　a　sigh　that　rose　from　the　depths　of　his　being。　　All　they　had　thought；　first　and　last；　rolled　over　him；　the　past　seemed　to　have　been　reduced　to　mere　barren　speculation。　　This　in　fact　was　what　the　place　had　just　struck　him　as　so　full　ofthe　simplification　of　everything　but　the　state　of　suspense。　　That　remained　only　by　seeming　to　hang　in　the　void　surrounding　it。　　Even　his　original　fear；　if　fear　it　as　had　been；　had　lost　itself　in　the　desert。　　〃I　judge；　however；〃　he　continued；　〃that　you　see　I'm　not　afraid　now。〃

〃What　I　see；　as　I　make　it　out；　is　that　you've　achieved　something　almost　unprecedented　in　the　way　of　getting　used　to　danger。　　Living　with　it　so　long　and　so　closely　you've　lost　your　sense　of　it；　you　know　it's　there；　but　you're　indifferent；　and　you　cease　even；　as　of　old；　to　have　to　whistle　in　the　dark。　　Considering　what　the　danger　is；〃　May　Bartram　wound　up；　〃I'm　bound　to　say　I　don't　think　your　attitude　could　well　be　surpassed。〃

John　Marcher　faintly　smiled。　　〃It's　heroic？〃

〃Certainlycall　it　that。〃

It　was　what　he　would　have　liked　indeed　to　call　it。　　〃I　AM　then　a　man　of　courage？〃

〃That's　what　you　were　to　show　me。〃

He　still；　however；　wondered。　　〃But　doesn't　the　man　of　courage　know　what　he's　afraid　ofor　not　afraid　of？　　I　don't　know　THAT；　you　see。　I　don't　focus　it。　　I　can't　name　it。　　I　only　know　I'm　exposed。〃

〃Yes；　but　exposedhow　shall　I　say？so　directly。　　So　intimately。　That's　surely　enough。〃

〃Enough　to　make　you　feel　thenas　what　we　may　call　the　end　and　the　upshot　of　our　watchthat　I'm　not　afraid？〃

〃You're　not　afraid。　　But　it　isn't；〃　she　said；　〃the　end　of　our　watch。　　That　is　it　isn't　the　end　of　yours。　　You've　everything　still　to　see。〃

〃Then　why　haven't　you？〃　he　asked。　　He　had　had；　all　along；　to…day；　the　sense　of　her　keeping　something　back；　and　he　still　had　it。　　As　this　was　his　first　impression　of　that　it　quite　made　a　date。　　The　case　was　the　more　marked　as　she　didn't　at　first　answer；　which　in　turn　made　him　go　on。　　〃You　know　something　I　don't。〃　　Then　his　voice；　for　that　of　a　man　of　courage；　trembled　a　little。　　〃You　know　what's　to　happen。〃　　Her　silence；　with　the　face　she　showed；　was　almost　a　confessionit　made　him　sure。　　〃You　know；　and　you're　afraid　to　tell　me。　　It's　so　bad　that　you're　afraid　I'll　find　out。〃

All　this　might　be　true；　for　she　did　look　as　if；　unexpectedly　to　her；　he　had　crossed　some　mystic　line　that　she　had　secretly　drawn　round　her。　　Yet　she　might；　after　all；　not　have　worried；　and　the　real　climax　was　that　he　himself；　at　all　events；　needn't。　　〃You'll　never　find　out。〃



CHAPTER　III



It　was　all　to　have　made；　none　the　less；　as　I　have　said；　a　date；　which　came　out　in　the　fact　that　again　and　again；　even　after　long　intervals；　other　things　that　passed　between　them　were　in　relation　to　this　hour　but　the　character　of　recalls　and　results。　　Its　immediate　effect　had　been　indeed　rather　to　lighten　insistence　almost　to　provoke　a　reaction；　as　if　their　topic　had　dropped　by　its　own　weight　and　as　if　moreover；　for　that　matter；　Marcher　had　been　visited　by　one　of　his　occasional　warnings　against　egotism。　　He　had　kept　up；　he　felt；　and　very　decently　on　the　whole；　his　consciousness　of　the　importance　of　not　being　selfish；　and　it　was　true　that　he　had　never　sinned　in　that　direction　without　promptly　enough　trying　to　press　the　scales　the　other　way。　　He　often　repaired　his　fault；　the　season　permitting；　by　inviting　his　friend　to　accompany　him　to　the　opera；　and　it　not　infrequently　thus　happened　that；　to　show　he　didn't　wish　her　to　have　but　one　sort　of　food　for　her　mind；　he　was　the　cause　of　her　appearing　there　with　him　a　dozen　nights　in　the　month。　　It　even　happened　that；　seeing　her　home　at　such　times；　he　occasionally　went　in　with　her　to　finish；　as　he　called　it；　the　evening；　and；　the　better　to　make　his　point；　sat　down　to　the　frugal　but　always　careful　little　supper　that　awaited　his　pleasure。　　His　point　was　made；　he　thought；　by　his　not　eternally　insisting　with　her　on　himself；　made　for　instance；　at　such　hours；　when　it　befell　that；　her　piano　at　hand　and　each　of　them　familiar　with　it；　they　went　over　passages　of　the　opera　together。　　It　chanced　to　be　on　one　of　these　occasions；　however；　that　he　reminded　her　of　her　not　having　answered　a　certain　question　he　had　put　to　her　during　the　talk　that　had　taken　place　between　them　on　her　last　birthday。　　〃What　is　it　that　saves　YOU？〃saved　her；　he　meant；　from　that　appearance　of　variation　from　the　usual　human　type。　　If　he　had　practically　escaped　remark；　as　she　pretended；　by　doing；　in　the　most　important　particular；　what　most　men　dofind　the　answer　to　life　in　patching　up　an　alliance　of　a　sort　with　a　woman　no　better　than　himselfhow　had　she　escaped　it；　and　how　could　the　alliance；　such　as　it　was；　since　they　must　suppose　it　had　been　more　or　less　noticed；　have　failed　to　make　her　rather　positively　talked　about？

〃I　never　said；〃　May　Bartram　replied；　〃that　it　hadn't　made　me　a　good　deal　talked　about。〃

〃Ah　well　then　you're　not　'saved。'〃

〃It　hasn't　been　a　question　for　me。　　If　you've　had　your　woman　I've　had；〃　she　said；　〃my　man。〃

〃And　you　mean　that　makes　you　all　right？〃

Oh　it　was　always　as　if　there　were　so　much　to　say！

〃I　don't　know　why　it　shouldn't　make　mehumanly；　which　is　what　we're　speaking　ofas　right　as　it　makes　you。〃

〃I　see；〃　Marcher　returned。　　〃'Humanly；'　no　doubt；　as　showing　that　you're　living　for　something。　　Not；　that　is；　just　for　me　and　my　secret。〃

May　Bartram　smiled。　　〃I　don't　pretend　it　exactly　shows　that　I'm　not　living　for　you。　　It's　my　intimacy　with　you　that's　in　question。〃

He　laughed　as　he　saw　what　she　meant。　　〃Yes；　but　since；　as　you　say；　I'm　only；　so　far　as　people　make　out；　ordinary；　you'rearen't　you？　no　more　than　ordinary　either。　　You　help　me　to　pass　for　a　man　like　another。　　So　if　I　AM；　as　I　understand　you；　you're　not　compromised。　Is　that　it？〃

She　had　another　of　her　waits；　but　she　spoke　clearly　enough。　〃That's　it。　　It's　all　that　concerns　meto　help　you　to　pass　for　a　man　like　another。〃

He　was　careful　to　acknowledge　the　remark　handsomely。　　〃How　kind；　how　beautiful；　you　are　to　me！　　How　shall　I　ever　repay　you？〃

She　had　her　last　grave　pause；　as　if　there　might　be　a　choice　of　ways。　　But　she　chose。　　〃By　going　on　as　you　are。〃

It　was　into　this　going　on　as　he　was　that　they　relapsed；　and　really　for　so　long　a　time　that　the　day　inevitably　came　for　a　further　sounding　of　their　depths。　　These　depths；　constantly　bridged　over　by　a　structure　firm　enough　in　spite　of　its　lightness　and　of　its　occasional　oscillation　in　the　somewhat　vertiginous　air；　invited　on　occasion；　in　the　interest　of　their　nerves；　a　dropping　of　the　plummet　and　a　measurement　of　the　abyss。　　A　difference　had　been　made　moreover；　once　for　all；　by　the　fact　that　she　had　all　the　while　not　appeared　to　feel　the　need　of　rebutting　his　charge　of　an　idea　within　her　that　she　didn't　dare　to　expressa　charge　uttered　just　before　one　of　the　fullest　of　their　later　discussions　ended。　　It　had　come　up　for　him　then　that　she　〃knew〃　something　and　that　what　she　knew　was　badtoo　bad　to　tell　him。　　When　he　had　spoken　of　it　as　visibly　so　bad　that　she　was　afraid　he　might　find　it　out；　her　reply　had　left　the　matter　too　equivocal　to　be　let　alone　and　yet；　for　Marcher's　special　sensibility；　almost　too　formidable　again　to　touch。　　He　circled　about　it　at　a　distance　that　alternately　narrowed　and　widened　and　that　still　wasn't　much　affected　by　the　consciousness　in　him　that　there　was　nothing　she　could　〃know；〃　after　all；　any　better　than　he　did。　　She　had　no　source　of　knowledge　he　hadn't　equally　except　of　course　that　she　might　have　finer　nerves。　　That　was　what　women　had　where　they　were　interested；　they　made　out　things；　where　people　were　concerned；　that　the　people　often　couldn't　have　made　out　for　themselves。　　Their　nerves；　their　sensibility；　their　imagination；　were　conductors　and　revealers；　and　the　beauty　of　May　Bartram　was　in　particular　that　she　had　given　herself　so　to　his　case。　　He　felt　in　these　days　what；　oddly　enough；　he　had　never　felt　before；　the　growth　of　a　dread　of　losing　her　by　some　catastrophe　some　catastrophe　that　yet　wouldn't　at　all　be　the　catastrophe：　partly　because　she　had　almost　of　a　sudden　begun　to　strike　him　as　more　useful　to　him　than　ever　yet；　and　partly　by　reason　of　an　appearance　of　uncertainty　in　her　health；　co…incident　and　equally　new。　　It　was　characteristic　of　the　inner　detachment　he　had　hitherto　so　successfully　cultivated　and　to　which　our　whole　account　of　him　is　a　reference；　it　was　characteristic　that　his　complications；　such　as　they　were；　had　never　yet　seemed　so　as　at　this　crisis　to　thicken　about　him；　even　to　the　point　of　making　him　ask　himself　if　he　were；　by　any　chance；　of　a　truth；　within　sight　or　sound；　within　touch　or　reach；　within　the　immediate　jurisdiction；　of　the　thing　that　waited。

When　the　day　came；　as　come　it　had　to；　that　his　friend　confessed　to　him　her　fear　of　a　deep　disorder　in　her　blood；　he　felt　somehow　the　shadow　of　a　change　and　the　chill　of　a　shock。　　He　immediately　began　to　imagine　aggravations　and　disasters；　and　above　all　to　think　of　her　peril　as　the　direct　menace　for　himself　of　personal　privation。　This　indeed　gave　him　one　of　those　partial　recoveries　of　equanimity　that　were　agreeable　to　himit　showed　him　that　what　was　still　first　in　his　mind　was　the　loss　she　herself　might　suffer。　　〃What　if　she　should　have　to　die　before　knowing；　before　seeing？〃　　It　would　have　been　brutal；　in　the　early　stages　of　her　trouble；　to　put　that　question　to　her；　but　it　had　immediately　sounded　for　him　to　his　own　concern；　and　the　possibility　was　what　most　made　him　sorry　for　her。　If　she　did　〃know；〃　moreover；　in　the　sense　of　her　having　had　some　what　should　he　think？mystical　irresistible　light；　this　would　make　the　matter　not　better；　but　worse；