the gambler-第7部分

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〃Why　do　YOU　ask　me　these　questions？〃

〃Because　you　promised　to　explain　matters　to　me。　Listen。　I　am
certain　that；　as　soon　as　ever　I　'begin　to　play　for　myself'　（and　I
still　have　120　gulden　left）；　I　shall　win。　You　can　then　take　of
me　what　you　require。〃

She　made　a　contemptuous　grimace。

〃You　must　not　be　angry　with　me；〃　I　continued；　〃for　making　such
a　proposal。　I　am　so　conscious　of　being　only　a　nonentity　in　your
eyes　that　you　need　not　mind　accepting　money　from　me。　A　gift　from
me　could　not　possibly　offend　you。　Moreover；　it　was　I　who　lost
your　gulden。〃

She　glanced　at　me；　but；　seeing　that　I　was　in　an　irritable；
sarcastic　mood；　changed　the　subject。

〃My　affairs　cannot　possibly　interest　you；〃　she　said。　Still；　
if　you　DO　wish　to　know；　I　am　in　debt。　I　borrowed　some
money；　and　must　pay　it　back　again。　I　have　a　curious；　senseless
idea　that　I　am　bound　to　win　at　the　gaming…tables。　Why　I　think　so
I　cannot　tell；　but　I　do　think　so；　and　with　some　assurance。
Perhaps　it　is　because　of　that　assurance　that　I　now　find　myself
without　any　other　resource。〃

〃Or　perhaps　it　is　because　it　is　so　NECESSARY　for　you　to　win。　It
is　like　a　drowning　man　catching　at　a　straw。　You　yourself　will
agree　that；　unless　he　were　drowning　he　would　not　mistake　a　straw
for　the　trunk　of　a　tree。〃

Polina　looked　surprised。

〃What？〃　she　said。　〃Do　not　you　also　hope　something　from　it？
Did　you　not　tell　me　again　and　again；　two　weeks　ago；　that　you
were　certain　of　winning　at　roulette　if　you　played　here？　And　did
you　not　ask　me　not　to　consider　you　a　fool　for　doing　so？　Were　you
joking？　You　cannot　have　been；　for　I　remember　that　you　spoke　with
a　gravity　which　forbade　the　idea　of　your　jesting。〃

〃True；〃　I　replied　gloomily。　〃I　always　felt　certain　that　I
should　win。　Indeed；　what　you　say　makes　me　ask　myselfWhy　have　my
absurd；　senseless　losses　of　today　raised　a　doubt　in　my　mind？
Yet　I　am　still　positive　that；　so　soon　as　ever　I　begin　to　play
for　myself；　I　shall　infallibly　win。〃

〃And　why　are　you　so　certain？〃

〃To　tell　the　truth；　I　do　not　know。　I　only　know　that　I　must
winthat　it　is　the　one　resource　I　have　left。　Yes；　why　do　I　feel
so　assured　on　the　point？〃

〃Perhaps　because　one　cannot　help　winning　if　one　is　fanatically
certain　of　doing　so。〃

〃Yet　I　dare　wager　that　you　do　not　think　me　capable　of　serious
feeling　in　the　matter？〃

〃I　do　not　care　whether　you　are　so　or　not；〃　answered　Polina　with
calm　indifference。　〃Well；　since　you　ask　me；　I　DO　doubt　your
ability　to　take　anything　seriously。　You　are　capable　of　worrying；
but　not　deeply。　You　are　too　ill…regulated　and　unsettled　a　person
for　that。　But　why　do　you　want　money？　Not　a　single　one　of　the　reasons
which　you　have　given　can　be　looked　upon　as　serious。〃

〃By　the　way；〃　I　interrupted；　〃you　say　you　want　to　pay　off　a
debt。　It　must　be　a　large　one。　Is　it　to　the　Frenchman？〃

〃What　do　you　mean　by　asking　all　these　questions？　You　are　very
clever　today。　Surely　you　are　not　drunk？〃

〃You　know　that　you　and　I　stand　on　no　ceremony；　and　that
sometimes　I　put　to　you　very　plain　questions。　I　repeat　that　I　am
your；　slaveand　slaves　cannot　be　shamed　or　offended。〃

〃You　talk　like　a　child。　It　is　always　possible　to　comport
oneself　with　dignity。　If　one　has　a　quarrel　it　ought　to　elevate
rather　than　to　degrade　one。〃

〃A　maxim　straight　from　the　copybook！　Suppose　I　CANNOT　comport
myself　with　dignity。　By　that　I　mean　that；　though　I　am　a　man　of
self…respect；　I　am　unable　to　carry　off　a　situation　properly。　Do
you　know　the　reason？　It　is　because　we　Russians　are　too　richly　and
multifariously　gifted　to　be　able　at　once　to　find　the　proper　mode
of　expression。　It　is　all　a　question　of　mode。　Most　of　us　are　so
bounteously　endowed　with　intellect　as　to　require　also　a　spice　of
genius　to　choose　the　right　form　of　behaviour。　And　genius　is
lacking　in　us　for　the　reason　that　so　little　genius　at　all
exists。　It　belongs　only　to　the　Frenchthough　a　few　other
Europeans　have　elaborated　their　forms　so　well　as　to　be　able　to
figure　with　extreme　dignity；　and　yet　be　wholly　undignified
persons。　That　is　why；　with　us；　the　mode　is　so　all…important。　The
Frenchman　may　receive　an　insult　a　real；　a　venomous　insult：　yet；
he　will　not　so　much　as　frown。　But　a　tweaking　of　the　nose　he
cannot　bear；　for　the　reason　that　such　an　act　is　an　infringement
of　the　accepted；　of　the　time…hallowed　order　of　decorum。　That　is
why　our　good　ladies　are　so　fond　of　Frenchmenthe　Frenchman's
manners；　they　say；　are　perfect！　But　in　my　opinion　there　is　no
such　thing　as　a　Frenchman's　manners。　The　Frenchman　is　only　a
birdthe　coq　gaulois。　At　the　same　time；　as　I　am　not　a　woman；　I
do　not　properly　understand　the　question。　Cocks　may　be　excellent
birds。　　If　I　am　wrong　you　must　stop　me。　You　ought　to　stop　and
correct　me　more　often　when　I　am　speaking　to　you；　for　I　am　too
apt　to　say　everything　that　is　in　my　head。　

〃You　see；　I　have　lost　my　manners。　I　agree　that　I　have　none；　nor　yet
any　dignity。　I　will　tell　you　why。　I　set　no　store　upon　such　things。　
Everything　in　me　has　undergone　a　cheek。　You　know　the　reason。　I　have　not　a
single　human　thought　in　my　head。　For　a　long　while　I　have　been
ignorant　of　what　is　going　on　in　the　worldhere　or　in　Russia。　I
have　been　to　Dresden；　yet　am　completely　in　the　dark　as　to　what
Dresden　is　like。　You　know　the　cause　of　my　obsession。　I　have　no
hope　now；　and　am　a　mere　cipher　in　your　eyes；　wherefore；　I　tell
you　outright　that　wherever　I　go　I　see　only　youall　the　rest　is　a
matter　of　indifference。　

〃Why　or　how　I　have　come　to　love　you　I　do　not　know。　It　may　be　that
you　are　not　altogether　fair　to　look　upon。　Do　you　know；　I　am　ignorant
even　as　to　what　your　face　is　like。　In　all　probability；　too；　your　heart
is　not　comely；　and　it　is　possible　that　your　mind　is　wholly　ignoble。〃

〃And　because　you　do　not　believe　in　my　nobility　of　soul　you
think　to　purchase　me　with　money？〃　she　said。

〃WHEN　have　I　thought　to　do　so？〃　was　my　reply。

〃You　are　losing　the　thread　of　the　argument。　If　you　do　not　wish
to　purchase　me；　at　all　events　you　wish　to　purchase　my　respect。〃

〃Not　at　all。　I　have　told　you　that　I　find　it　difficult　to
explain　myself。　You　are　hard　upon　me。　Do　not　be　angry　at　my
chattering。　You　know　why　you　ought　not　to　be　angry　with　methat
I　am　simply　an　imbecile。　However；　I　do　not　mind　if　you　ARE
angry。　Sitting　in　my　room；　I　need　but　to　think　of　you；　to
imagine　to　myself　the　rustle　of　your　dress；　and　at　once　I　fall
almost　to　biting　my　hands。　Why　should　you　be　angry　with　me？
Because　I　call　myself　your　slave？　Revel；　I　pray　you；　in　my
slaveryrevel　in　it。　Do　you　know　that　sometimes　I　could　kill
you？not　because　I　do　not　love　you；　or　am　jealous　of　you；　but；
because　I　feel　as　though　I　could　simply　devour　you。。。　You　are
laughing！〃

〃No；　I　am　not；〃　she　retorted。　〃But　I　order　you；　nevertheless；
to　be　silent。〃

She　stopped；　well　nigh　breathless　with　anger。　God　knows；　she　may
not　have　been　a　beautiful　woman；　yet　I　loved　to　see　her　come　to
a　halt　like　this；　and　was　therefore；　the　more　fond　of　arousing
her　temper。　Perhaps　she　divined　this；　and　for　that　very　reason
gave　way　to　rage。　I　said　as　much　to　her。

〃What　rubbish！〃　she　cried　with　a　shudder。

〃I　do　not　care；〃　I　continued。　〃Also；　do　you　know　that　it　is
not　safe　for　us　to　take　walks　together？　Often　I　have　a　feeling
that　I　should　like　to　strike　you；　to　disfigure　you；　to　strangle
you。　Are　you　certain　that　it　will　never　come　to　that？　You　are
driving　me　to　frenzy。　Am　I　afraid　of　a　scandal；　or　of　your
anger？　Why　should　I　fear　your　anger？　I　love　without　hope；　and
know　that　hereafter　I　shall　love　you　a　thousand　times　more。　If
ever　I　should　kill　you　I　should　have　to　kill　myself　too。　But　I
shall　put　off　doing　so　as　long　as　possible；　for　I　wish　to
continue　enjoying　the　unbearable　pain　which　your　coldness　gives
me。　Do　you　know　a　very　strange　thing？　It　is　that；　with　every
day；　my　love　for　you　increasesthough　that　would　seem　to　be
almost　an　impossibility。　Why　should　I　not　become　a　fatalist？
Remember　how；　on　the　third　day　that　we　ascended　the
Shlangenberg；　I　was　moved　to　whisper　in　your　ear：　'Say　but　the
word；　and　I　will　leap　into　the　abyss。'　Had　you　said　it；　I　should
have　leapt。　Do　you　not　believe　me？〃

〃What　stupid　rubbish！〃　she　cried。

〃I　care　not　whether　it　be　wise　or　stupid；〃　I　cried　in　return。　
〃I　only　know　that　in　your　presence　I　must　speak；　speak；　speak。
Therefore；　I　am　speaking。　I　lose　all　conceit　when　I　am　with　you；
and　everything　ceases　to　matter。〃

〃Why　should　I　have　wanted　you　to　leap　from　the　Shlangenberg？〃
she　said　drily；　and　（I　think）　with　wilful　offensiveness。　〃THAT
would　have　been　of　no　use　to　me。〃

〃Splendid！〃　I　shouted。　〃I　know　well　that　you　must　have　used
the　words　'of　no　use'　in　order　to　crush　me。　I　can　see　through
you。　'Of　no　use；'　did　you　say？　Why；　to　give　pleasure　is　ALWAYS
of　use；　and；　as　for　barbarous；　unlimited　powereven　if　it　be　only
over　a　flywhy；　it　is　a　kind　of　luxury。　Man　is　a　despot　by
nature；　and　loves　to　torture。　You；　in　particular；　love　to　do　so。〃

I　remember　that　at　this　moment　she　looked　at　me　in　a　peculiar
way。　The　fact　is　that　my　face　must　have　been　expressing　all　the
maze　of　senseless；　gross　sensations　which　were　seething　within
me。　To　this　day　I　can　remember；　word　for　word；　the　conversation
as　I　have　written　it　down。　My　eyes　were　suffused　with　blood；　and
the　foam　had　caked　itself　on　my　lips。　Also；　on　my　honour　I　swear
that；　had　she　bidden　me　cast　myself　from　the　summit　of　the
Shlangenberg；　I　should　have　done　it。　Yes；　had　she　bidden　me　in
jest；　or　only　in　contempt　and　with　a　spit　in　my　face；　I　should
have　cast　myself　down。

〃Oh　no！　Why　so？　I　believe　you；〃　she　said；　but　in　such　a
mannerin　the　manner　of　which；　at　times；　she　was　a　mistressand
with　such　a　note　of　disdain　and　viperish　arrogance　in　her　tone；
that　God　knows　I　could　have　killed　her。

Yes；　at　that　moment　she　stood　in　peril。　I　had　not　lied　to　her
about　that。

〃Surely　you　are　not　a　coward？〃　suddenly　she　asked　me。

〃I　do　not　know；〃　I　replied。　〃Perhaps　I　am；　but　I　do　not　know。
I　have　long　given　up　thinking　about　such　things。〃

〃If　I　said　to　you；　'Kill　that　man；'　would　you　kill　him？〃

〃Whom？〃

〃Whomsoever　I　wish？〃

〃The　Frenchman？〃

〃Do　not　ask　me　questions；　return　me　answers。　I　repeat；
whomsoever　I　wish？　I　desire　to　see　if　you　were　speaking
seriously　just