eugene pickering-第3部分

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Besides；　my　father　had　a　great　many　theories；　he　prided　himself　on

his　conservative　opinions；　he　thought　the　usual　American　laisser…

aller　in　education　was　a　very　vulgar　practice；　and　that　children　were

not　to　grow　up　like　dusty　thorns　by　the　wayside。　　〃So　you　see；〃

Pickering　went　on；　smiling　and　blushing；　and　yet　with　something　of

the　irony　of　vain　regret；　〃I　am　a　regular　garden　plant。　　I　have　been

watched　and　watered　and　pruned；　and　if　there　is　any　virtue　in　tending

I　ought　to　take　the　prize　at　a　flower　show。　　Some　three　years　ago　my

father's　health　broke　down；　and　he　was　kept　very　much　within　doors。

So；　although　I　was　a　man　grown；　I　lived　altogether　at　home。　　If　I　was

out　of　his　sight　for　a　quarter　of　an　hour　he　sent　some　one　after　me。

He　had　severe　attacks　of　neuralgia；　and　he　used　to　sit　at　his　window；

basking　in　the　sun。　　He　kept　an　opera…glass　at　hand；　and　when　I　was

out　in　the　garden　he　used　to　watch　me　with　it。　　A　few　days　before　his

death　I　was　twenty…seven　years　old；　and　the　most　innocent　youth；　I

suppose；　on　the　continent。　　After　he　died　I　missed　him　greatly；〃

Pickering　continued；　evidently　with　no　intention　of　making　an

epigram。　　〃I　stayed　at　home；　in　a　sort　of　dull　stupor。　　It　seemed　as

if　life　offered　itself　to　me　for　the　first　time；　and　yet　as　if　I

didn't　know　how　to　take　hold　of　it。〃



He　uttered　all　this　with　a　frank　eagerness　which　increased　as　he

talked；　and　there　was　a　singular　contrast　between　the　meagre

experience　he　described　and　a　certain　radiant　intelligence　which　I

seemed　to　perceive　in　his　glance　and　tone。　　Evidently　he　was　a　clever

fellow；　and　his　natural　faculties　were　excellent。　　I　imagined　he　had

read　a　great　deal；　and　recovered；　in　some　degree；　in　restless

intellectual　conjecture；　the　freedom　he　was　condemned　to　ignore　in

practice。　　Opportunity　was　now　offering　a　meaning　to　the　empty　forms

with　which　his　imagination　was　stored；　but　it　appeared　to　him　dimly；

through　the　veil　of　his　personal　diffidence。



〃I　have　not　sailed　round　the　world；　as　you　suppose；〃　I　said；　〃but　I

confess　I　envy　you　the　novelties　you　are　going　to　behold。　　Coming　to

Homburg　you　have　plunged　in　medias　res。〃



He　glanced　at　me　to　see　if　my　remark　contained　an　allusion；　and

hesitated　a　moment。　　〃Yes；　I　know　it。　　I　came　to　Bremen　in　the

steamer　with　a　very　friendly　German；　who　undertook　to　initiate　me

into　the　glories　and　mysteries　of　the　Fatherland。　　At　this　season；　he

said；　I　must　begin　with　Homburg。　　I　landed　but　a　fortnight　ago；　and

here　I　am。〃　　Again　he　hesitated；　as　if　he　were　going　to　add　something

about　the　scene　at　the　Kursaal　but　suddenly；　nervously；　he　took　up

the　letter　which　was　lying　beside　him；　looked　hard　at　the　seal　with　a

troubled　frown；　and　then　flung　it　back　on　the　grass　with　a　sigh。



〃How　long　do　you　expect　to　be　in　Europe？〃　I　asked。



〃Six　months　I　supposed　when　I　came。　　But　not　so　longnow！〃　　And　he

let　his　eyes　wander　to　the　letter　again。



〃And　where　shall　you　gowhat　shall　you　do？〃



〃Everywhere；　everything；　I　should　have　said　yesterday。　　But　now　it　is

different。〃



I　glanced　at　the　letterinterrogatively；　and　he　gravely　picked　it　up

and　put　it　into　his　pocket。　　We　talked　for　a　while　longer；　but　I　saw

that　he　had　suddenly　become　preoccupied；　that　he　was　apparently

weighing　an　impulse　to　break　some　last　barrier　of　reserve。　　At　last

he　suddenly　laid　his　hand　on　my　arm；　looked　at　me　a　moment

appealingly；　and　cried；　〃Upon　my　word；　I　should　like　to　tell　you

everything！〃



〃Tell　me　everything；　by　all　means；〃　I　answered；　smiling。　〃I　desire

nothing　better　than　to　lie　here　in　the　shade　and　hear　everything。〃



〃Ah；　but　the　question　is；　will　you　understand　it？　　No　matter；　you

think　me　a　queer　fellow　already。　　It's　not　easy；　either；　to　tell　you

what　I　feelnot　easy　for　so　queer　a　fellow　as　I　to　tell　you　in　how

many　ways　he　is　queer！〃　　He　got　up　and　walked　away　a　moment；　passing

his　hand　over　his　eyes；　then　came　back　rapidly　and　flung　himself　on

the　grass　again。　　〃I　said　just　now　I　always　supposed　I　was　happy；

it's　true；　but　now　that　my　eyes　are　open；　I　see　I　was　only

stultified。　　I　was　like　a　poodle…dog　that　is　led　about　by　a　blue

ribbon；　and　scoured　and　combed　and　fed　on　slops。　　It　was　not　life；

life　is　learning　to　know　one's　self；　and　in　that　sense　I　have　lived

more　in　the　past　six　weeks　than　in　all　the　years　that　preceded　them。

I　am　filled　with　this　feverish　sense　of　liberation；　it　keeps　rising

to　my　head　like　the　fumes　of　strong　wine。　　I　find　I　am　an　active；

sentient；　intelligent　creature；　with　desires；　with　passions；　with

possible　convictionseven　with　what　I　never　dreamed　of；　a　possible

will　of　my　own！　　I　find　there　is　a　world　to　know；　a　life　to　lead；　men

and　women　to　form　a　thousand　relations　with。　　It　all　lies　there　like

a　great　surging　sea；　where　we　must　plunge　and　dive　and　feel　the

breeze　and　breast　the　waves。　　I　stand　shivering　here　on　the　brink；

staring；　longing；　wondering；　charmed　by　the　smell　of　the　brine　and

yet　afraid　of　the　water。　　The　world　beckons　and　smiles　and　calls；　but

a　nameless　influence　from　the　past；　that　I　can　neither　wholly　obey

nor　wholly　resist；　seems　to　hold　me　back。　　I　am　full　of　impulses；

but；　somehow；　I　am　not　full　of　strength。　　Life　seems　inspiring　at

certain　moments；　but　it　seems　terrible　and　unsafe；　and　I　ask　myself

why　I　should　wantonly　measure　myself　with　merciless　forces；　when　I

have　learned　so　well　how　to　stand　aside　and　let　them　pass。　　Why

shouldn't　I　turn　my　back　upon　it　all　and　go　home　towhat　awaits　me？…

…to　that　sightless；　soundless　country　life；　and　long　days　spent　among

old　books？　　But　if　a　man　IS　weak；　he　doesn't　want　to　assent

beforehand　to　his　weakness；　he　wants　to　taste　whatever　sweetness

there　may　be　in　paying　for　the　knowledge。　　So　it　is　that　it　comes

backthis　irresistible　impulse　to　take　my　plungeto　let　myself

swing；　to　go　where　liberty　leads　me。〃　　He　paused　a　moment；　fixing　me

with　his　excited　eyes；　and　perhaps　perceived　in　my　own　an

irrepressible　smile　at　his　perplexity。　　〃'Swing　ahead；　in　Heaven's

name；'　you　want　to　say；　'and　much　good　may　it　do　you。'　　I　don't　know

whether　you　are　laughing　at　my　scruples　or　at　what　possibly　strikes

you　as　my　depravity。　　I　doubt；〃　he　went　on　gravely；　〃whether　I　have

an　inclination　toward　wrong…doing；　if　I　have；　I　am　sure　I　shall　not

prosper　in　it。　　I　honestly　believe　I　may　safely　take　out　a　license　to

amuse　myself。　　But　it　isn't　that　I　think　of；　any　more　than　I　dream

of；　playing　with　suffering。　　Pleasure　and　pain　are　empty　words　to　me；

what　I　long　for　is　knowledgesome　other　knowledge　than　comes　to　us

in　formal；　colourless；　impersonal　precept。　　You　would　understand　all

this　better　if　you　could　breathe　for　an　hour　the　musty　in…door

atmosphere　in　which　I　have　always　lived。　　To　break　a　window　and　let

in　light　and　airI　feel　as　if　at　last　I　must　ACT！〃



〃Act；　by　all　means；　now　and　always；　when　you　have　a　chance；〃　I

answered。　　〃But　don't　take　things　too　hard；　now　or　ever。　　Your　long

confinement　makes　you　think　the　world　better　worth　knowing　than　you

are　likely　to　find　it。　　A　man　with　as　good　a　head　and　heart　as　yours

has　a　very　ample　world　within　himself；　and　I　am　no　believer　in　art

for　art；　nor　in　what's　called　'life'　for　life's　sake。　　Nevertheless；

take　your　plunge；　and　come　and　tell　me　whether　you　have　found　the

pearl　of　wisdom。〃　　He　frowned　a　little；　as　if　he　thought　my　sympathy

a　trifle　meagre。　　I　shook　him　by　the　hand　and　laughed。　　〃The　pearl　of

wisdom；〃　I　cried；　〃is　love；　honest　love　in　the　most　convenient

concentration　of　experience！　　I　advise　you　to　fall　in　love。〃　　He　gave

me　no　smile　in　response；　but　drew　from　his　pocket　the　letter　of　which

I　have　spoken；　held　it　up；　and　shook　it　solemnly。　　〃What　is　it？〃　I

asked。



〃It　is　my　sentence！〃



〃Not　of　death；　I　hope！〃



〃Of　marriage。〃



〃With　whom？〃



〃With　a　person　I　don't　love。〃



This　was　serious。　　I　stopped　smiling；　and　begged　him　to　explain。



〃It　is　the　singular　part　of　my　story；〃　he　said　at　last。　　〃It　will

remind　you　of　an　old…fashioned　romance。　　Such　as　I　sit　here；　talking

in　this　wild　way；　and　tossing　off　provocations　to　destiny；　my　destiny

is　settled　and　sealed。　　I　am　engaged；　I　am　given　in　marriage。　　It's　a

bequest　of　the　pastthe　past　I　had　no　hand　in！　　The　marriage　was

arranged　by　my　father；　years　ago；　when　I　was　a　boy。　　The　young　girl's

father　was　his　particular　friend；　he　was　also　a　widower；　and　was

bringing　up　his　daughter；　on　his　side；　in　the　same　severe　seclusion

in　which　I　was　spending　my　days。　　To　this　day　I　am　unacquainted　with

the　origin　of　the　bond　of　union　between　our　respective　progenitors。

Mr。　Vernor　was　largely　engaged　in　business；　and　I　imagine　that　once

upon　a　time　he　found　himself　in　a　financial　strait　and　was　helped

through　it　by　my　father's　coming　forward　with　a　heavy　loan；　on　which；

in　his　situation；　he　could　offer　no　security　but　his　word。　　Of　this

my　father　was　quite　capable。　　He　was　a　man　of　dogmas；　and　he　was　sure

to　have　a　rule　of　lifeas　clear　as　if　it　had　been　written　out　in　his

beautiful　copper…plate　handadapted　to　the　conduct　of　a　gentleman

toward　a　friend　in　pecuniary　embarrassment。　　What　is　more；　he　was

sure　to　adhere　to　it。　　Mr。　Vernor；　I　believe；　got　on　his　feet；　paid

his　debt；　and　vowed　my　father　an　eternal　gratitude。　　His　little

daughter　was　the　apple　of　his　eye；　and　he　pledged　himself　to　bring

her　up　to　be　the　wife　of　his　benefactor's　son。　　So　our　fate　was

fixed；　parentally；　and　we　have　been　educated　for　each　other。　　I　have

not　seen　my　betrothed　since　she　was　a　very　plain…faced　little　girl　in

a　sticky　pinafore；　hugging　a　one…armed　dollof　the　male　sex；　I

believeas　big　as　herself。　　Mr。　Vernor　is　in　what　is　called　the

Eastern　trade；　and　has　been　living　these　many　years　at　Smyrna。

Isabel　has　grown　up　there　in　a　white…walled　garden；　in　an　orange

grove；　between　her　father　and　her　governess。　　She　is　a　good　deal　my

junior；　six　months　ago　she　was　seventeen；　when　she　is