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unpleasant　effects；　either　to　the　paste　with　which　the　posters　were

affixed　to　the　van：　which　may　have　contained　some　small　portion　of

arsenic；　or；　to　the　printer's　ink；　which　may　have　contained　some

equally　deleterious　ingredient。　　Of　this；　I　cannot　be　sure。　　I　am

only　sure　that　I　was　not　affected；　either　by　the　smoke；　or　the　rum…

and…water。　　I　was　assisted　out　of　the　vehicle；　in　a　state　of　mind

which　I　have　only　experienced　in　two　other　places　…　I　allude　to　the

Pier　at　Dover；　and　to　the　corresponding　portion　of　the　town　of

Calais　…　and　sat　upon　a　door…step　until　I　recovered。　　The

procession　had　then　disappeared。　　I　have　since　looked　anxiously　for

the　King　in　several　other　cars；　but　I　have　not　yet　had　the

happiness　of　seeing　His　Majesty。







'BIRTHS。　　MRS。　MEEK；　OF　A　SON







MY　name　is　Meek。　　I　am；　in　fact；　Mr。　Meek。　　That　son　is　mine　and

Mrs。　Meek's。　　When　I　saw　the　announcement　in　the　Times；　I　dropped

the　paper。　　I　had　put　it　in；　myself；　and　paid　for　it；　but　it　looked

so　noble　that　it　overpowered　me。



As　soon　as　I　could　compose　my　feelings；　I　took　the　paper　up　to　Mrs。

Meek's　bedside。　　'Maria　Jane；'　said　I　（I　allude　to　Mrs。　Meek）；　'you

are　now　a　public　character。'　　We　read　the　review　of　our　child；

several　times；　with　feelings　of　the　strongest　emotion；　and　I　sent

the　boy　who　cleans　the　boots　and　shoes；　to　the　office　for　fifteen

copies。　　No　reduction　was　made　on　taking　that　quantity。



It　is　scarcely　necessary　for　me　to　say；　that　our　child　had　been

expected。　　In　fact；　it　had　been　expected；　with　comparative

confidence；　for　some　months。　　Mrs。　Meek's　mother；　who　resides　with

us　…　of　the　name　of　Bigby　…　had　made　every　preparation　for　its

admission　to　our　circle。



I　hope　and　believe　I　am　a　quiet　man。　　I　will　go　farther。　　I　KNOW　I

am　a　quiet　man。　　My　constitution　is　tremulous；　my　voice　was　never

loud；　and；　in　point　of　stature；　I　have　been　from　infancy；　small。　　I

have　the　greatest　respect　for　Maria　Jane's　Mama。　　She　is　a　most

remarkable　woman。　　I　honour　Maria　Jane's　Mama。　　In　my　opinion　she

would　storm　a　town；　single…handed；　with　a　hearth…broom；　and　carry

it。　　I　have　never　known　her　to　yield　any　point　whatever；　to　mortal

man。　　She　is　calculated　to　terrify　the　stoutest　heart。



Still　…　but　I　will　not　anticipate。



The　first　intimation　I　had；　of　any　preparations　being　in　progress；

on　the　part　of　Maria　Jane's　Mama；　was　one　afternoon；　several　months

ago。　　I　came　home　earlier　than　usual　from　the　office；　and；

proceeding　into　the　dining…room；　found　an　obstruction　behind　the

door；　which　prevented　it　from　opening　freely。　　It　was　an

obstruction　of　a　soft　nature。　　On　looking　in；　I　found　it　to　be　a

female。



The　female　in　question　stood　in　the　corner　behind　the　door；

consuming　Sherry　Wine。　　From　the　nutty　smell　of　that　beverage

pervading　the　apartment；　I　have　no　doubt　she　was　consuming　a　second

glassful。　　She　wore　a　black　bonnet　of　large　dimensions；　and　was

copious　in　figure。　　The　expression　of　her　countenance　was　severe

and　discontented。　　The　words　to　which　she　gave　utterance　on　seeing

me；　were　these；　'Oh；　git　along　with　you；　Sir；　if　YOU　please；　me　and

Mrs。　Bigby　don't　want　no　male　parties　here！'



That　female　was　Mrs。　Prodgit。



I　immediately　withdrew；　of　course。　　I　was　rather　hurt；　but　I　made

no　remark。　　Whether　it　was　that　I　showed　a　lowness　of　spirits　after

dinner；　in　consequence　of　feeling　that　I　seemed　to　intrude；　I

cannot　say。　　But；　Maria　Jane's　Mama　said　to　me　on　her　retiring　for

the　night：　in　a　low　distinct　voice；　and　with　a　look　of　reproach

that　completely　subdued　me：　'George　Meek；　Mrs。　Prodgit　is　your

wife's　nurse！'



I　bear　no　ill…will　towards　Mrs。　Prodgit。　　Is　it　likely　that　I；

writing　this　with　tears　in　my　eyes；　should　be　capable　of　deliberate

animosity　towards　a　female；　so　essential　to　the　welfare　of　Maria

Jane？　　I　am　willing　to　admit　that　Fate　may　have　been　to　blame；　and

not　Mrs。　Prodgit；　but；　it　is　undeniably　true；　that　the　latter

female　brought　desolation　and　devastation　into　my　lowly　dwelling。



We　were　happy　after　her　first　appearance；　we　were　sometimes

exceedingly　so。　　But；　whenever　the　parlour　door　was　opened；　and

'Mrs。　Prodgit！'　announced　（and　she　was　very　often　announced）；

misery　ensued。　　I　could　not　bear　Mrs。　Prodgit's　look。　　I　felt　that

I　was　far　from　wanted；　and　had　no　business　to　exist　in　Mrs。

Prodgit's　presence。　　Between　Maria　Jane's　Mama；　and　Mrs。　Prodgit；

there　was　a　dreadful；　secret；　understanding　…　a　dark　mystery　and

conspiracy；　pointing　me　out　as　a　being　to　be　shunned。　　I　appeared

to　have　done　something　that　was　evil。　　Whenever　Mrs。　Prodgit

called；　after　dinner；　I　retired　to　my　dressing…room　…　where　the

temperature　is　very　low　indeed；　in　the　wintry　time　of　the　year　…

and　sat　looking　at　my　frosty　breath　as　it　rose　before　me；　and　at　my

rack　of　boots；　a　serviceable　article　of　furniture；　but　never；　in　my

opinion；　an　exhilarating　object。　　The　length　of　the　councils　that

were　held　with　Mrs。　Prodgit；　under　these　circumstances；　I　will　not

attempt　to　describe。　　I　will　merely　remark；　that　Mrs。　Prodgit

always　consumed　Sherry　Wine　while　the　deliberations　were　in

progress；　that　they　always　ended　in　Maria　Jane's　being　in　wretched

spirits　on　the　sofa；　and　that　Maria　Jane's　Mama　always　received　me；

when　I　was　recalled；　with　a　look　of　desolate　triumph　that　too

plainly　said；　'NOW；　George　Meek！　　You　see　my　child；　Maria　Jane；　a

ruin；　and　I　hope　you　are　satisfied！'



I　pass；　generally；　over　the　period　that　intervened　between　the　day

when　Mrs。　Prodgit　entered　her　protest　against　male　parties；　and　the

ever…memorable　midnight　when　I　brought　her　to　my　unobtrusive　home

in　a　cab；　with　an　extremely　large　box　on　the　roof；　and　a　bundle；　a

bandbox；　and　a　basket；　between　the　driver's　legs。　　I　have　no

objection　to　Mrs。　Prodgit　（aided　and　abetted　by　Mrs。　Bigby；　who　I

never　can　forget　is　the　parent　of　Maria　Jane）　taking　entire

possession　of　my　unassuming　establishment。　　In　the　recesses　of　my

own　breast；　the　thought　may　linger　that　a　man　in　possession　cannot

be　so　dreadful　as　a　woman；　and　that　woman　Mrs。　Prodgit；　but；　I

ought　to　bear　a　good　deal；　and　I　hope　I　can；　and　do。　　Huffing　and

snubbing；　prey　upon　my　feelings；　but；　I　can　bear　them　without

complaint。　　They　may　tell　in　the　long　run；　I　may　be　hustled　about；

from　post　to　pillar；　beyond　my　strength；　nevertheless；　I　wish　to

avoid　giving　rise　to　words　in　the　family。



The　voice　of　Nature；　however；　cries　aloud　in　behalf　of　Augustus

George；　my　infant　son。　　It　is　for　him　that　I　wish　to　utter　a　few

plaintive　household　words。　　I　am　not　at　all　angry；　I　am　mild　…　but

miserable。



I　wish　to　know　why；　when　my　child；　Augustus　George；　was　expected　in

our　circle；　a　provision　of　pins　was　made；　as　if　the　little　stranger

were　a　criminal　who　was　to　be　put　to　the　torture　immediately；　on

his　arrival；　instead　of　a　holy　babe？　　I　wish　to　know　why　haste　was

made　to　stick　those　pins　all　over　his　innocent　form；　in　every

direction？　　I　wish　to　be　informed　why　light　and　air　are　excluded

from　Augustus　George；　like　poisons？　　Why；　I　ask；　is　my　unoffending

infant　so　hedged　into　a　basket…bedstead；　with　dimity　and　calico；

with　miniature　sheets　and　blankets；　that　I　can　only　hear　him

snuffle　（and　no　wonder！）　deep　down　under　the　pink　hood　of　a　little

bathing…machine；　and　can　never　peruse　even　so　much　of　his

lineaments　as　his　nose？



Was　I　expected　to　be　the　father　of　a　French　Roll；　that　the　brushes

of　All　Nations　were　laid　in；　to　rasp　Augustus　George？　　Am　I　to　be

told　that　his　sensitive　skin　was　ever　intended　by　Nature　to　have

rashes　brought　out　upon　it；　by　the　premature　and　incessant　use　of

those　formidable　little　instruments？



Is　my　son　a　Nutmeg；　that　he　is　to　be　grated　on　the　stiff　edges　of

sharp　frills？　　Am　I　the　parent　of　a　Muslin　boy；　that　his　yielding

surface　is　to　be　crimped　and　small　plaited？　　Or　is　my　child

composed　of　Paper　or　of　Linen；　that　impressions　of　the　finer

getting…up　art；　practised　by　the　laundress；　are　to　be　printed　off；

all　over　his　soft　arms　and　legs；　as　I　constantly　observe　them？　　The

starch　enters　his　soul；　who　can　wonder　that　he　cries？



Was　Augustus　George　intended　to　have　limbs；　or　to　be　born　a　Torso？

I　presume　that　limbs　were　the　intention；　as　they　are　the　usual

practice。　　Then；　why　are　my　poor　child's　limbs　fettered　and　tied

up？　　Am　I　to　be　told　that　there　is　any　analogy　between　Augustus

George　Meek　and　Jack　Sheppard？



Analyse　Castor　Oil　at　any　Institution　of　Chemistry　that　may　be

agreed　upon；　and　inform　me　what　resemblance；　in　taste；　it　bears　to

that　natural　provision　which　it　is　at　once　the　pride　and　duty　of

Maria　Jane　to　administer　to　Augustus　George！　　Yet；　I　charge　Mrs。

Prodgit　（aided　and　abetted　by　Mrs。　Bigby）　with　systematically

forcing　Castor　Oil　on　my　innocent　son；　from　the　first　hour　of　his

birth。　　When　that　medicine；　in　its　efficient　action；　causes

internal　disturbance　to　Augustus　George；　I　charge　Mrs。　Prodgit

（aided　and　abetted　by　Mrs。　Bigby）　with　insanely　and　inconsistently

administering　opium　to　allay　the　storm　she　has　raised！　　What　is　the

meaning　of　this？



If　the　days　of　Egyptian　Mummies　are　past；　how　dare　Mrs。　Prodgit

require；　for　the　use　of　my　son；　an　amount　of　flannel　and　linen　that

would　carpet　my　humble　roof？　　Do　I　wonder　that　she　requires　it？

No！　　This　morning；　within　an　hour；　I　beheld　this　agonising　sight。

I　beheld　my　son　…　Augustus　George　…　in　Mrs。　Prodgit's　hands；　and　on

Mrs。　Prodgit's　knee；　being　dressed。　　He　was　at　the　moment；

comparatively　speaking；　in　a　state　of　nature；　having　nothing　on；

but　an　extremely　short　shirt；　remarkably　disproportionate　to　the

length　of　his　usual　outer　garments。　　Trailing　from　Mrs。　Prodgit's

lap；　on　the　floor；　was　a　long　narrow　roller　or　bandage　…　I　should

say　of　several　yards　in　extent。　　In　this；　I　SAW　Mrs。　Prodgit

tightly　roll　the　body　of　my　unoffending　infant；　turning　him　over

and　over；　now　presenting　his　unconscious　face　upwards；　now　t